Murder or Not to Murder

My son has had a hard time today, his sister tried to choke him to death while I peed (feels like this word is a bad word, hehehehe). Ella, Ema, Ruthie, Michael, and Ava were in the front yard rolling down the hill and I stepped away for a moment to excuse myself. They were all being quite loud and having a ton of fun. I guess Michael started yelling too loud and she grabbed him by his throat, squeezed as hard as she could (there are marks), and refused to let go. Poor kid, if he hadn't done it to her for the first year I would feel real bad for him. She denied it even though there were witnesses and is doing his chore to make up for it. She is becoming quite a pistol lately, very "energetic" since she has come out with her allegations. She is doing OK and seems to be working extra hard not to be a victim.

Michael decided to play on the computer and later ran into the LR to tell me he killed a chicken. I had to stop and think, where would he have found a chicken? Then it dawned on me he meant on the computer. Silly Mom, kids don't kill chickens IRL. Got my heart rate up a bit.

Appetizers Only

Usually on Friday nights we rent a movie and eat appetizer type foods on a blanket in the living room. We extended it all weekend this weekend. LOL The kids love it and it makes my life so much easier to make a dip or heat up some terribly unhealthy fried crap they love. Anyone have some ideas? I'll share their favorite 2 dips.

Uncle Mark's Dip
5 blocks of cream cheese
5 cans of Hormel Chili with beans
24 oz of Mexican cheese

Layer in that order in a large pan bake at 400 degrees until bubbly. Serve with tortilla chips.

Mean Cheese Dip
2 big boxes of Velveeta (the cheese for champions) diced
big can of petite diced tomatoes
2 cans (or more) chopped green chiles
2 lbs of cooked ground beef

Add to crock pot. Stir occasionally. Once melted, serve with flour tortillas.

The Pain

I have had an issue with my hips since I can remember. I can pop them in and out, they ache terribly if I am too active or lay on them wrong, they pop slightly out when I lay flat on my back on the floor making it difficult to roll over or get up, I can't sit for long periods or the slightly pop out, and the added weight I seem to have mistakingly borrowed from my DH has made my life become extremely painful. I have a mild (only to the doctor b/c it seems a bit severe to me) hip dysplasia. In my early 20s I was told I would eventually need both hips replaced and what makes this a mild case is that I am well into adulthood and more severe cases can't make it to adulthood before it is necessary. It sounds like a bunch of crapola to me. It was so bad last night my DH had to help me climb the stairs to bed, I was sobbing. This was the first time it has come to that. I take Aleve and Ibuprophen constantly to help get through the day. It is not cutting it. Since we do not have health insurance (DH is self employed) I am beginning to think I may look into working in the school cafeteria next year for the benefits. I can't keep living like this. It hurts to be fat and it hurts to walk or move around, what other choices do I have? I want to run and jump and play with the kids but it is getting harder and harder. This is not good.

Anyone else dealing with chronic pain? Any suggestions? I am not depressed by it but starting to get really concerned about my future quality of life.

When....

are you coming to pack this crap up? I am running out of excuses and blogs to read, hurry up already.

Aunt Michelle called and she and Uncle Floyd will be interviewed by the detective on Monday. She is happy to help the kids in any way she can. This is also her excuse not to help me pack.

Talk about Crazy

Their parents called again last night and I am avoiding them. What if that tips them off that something is off? Probably not smart enough for that. They think we didn't really adopt them b/c DFCS has an open case on them, it didn't dawn on them that it could be a new one. The teen mother and her son moved out immediately when they were contacted about their safety but nothing clicked for the parents. I guess I will send some pictures to them to hold things off for a bit. I just got a negative feeling about sending them pictures after learning what they have done. Maybe I am being greedy or selfish.

My sister and her new DH had an incident on the road yesterday. Now keep in mind he is the Asst. Chief of Police in the city they live in. They (Kiki, BIL, Abbie, and Brooklyn) pulled out onto a main road and a truck coming extremely fast swerved around them and got in front of them flipping BIL off and then slowed to a snails pace. BIL (being the gun toting, classy, cool, calm, collected man we all know and love) flipped him back off. The Crazy Guy motioned for BIL to pull over and refused to sped up or get out of the way. BIL did while Kiki reminded him to calm down and just call this guy in. BIL and Crazy Guy get out of cars and Crazy Guy starts freaking out, trying to remain calm BIL gets in Crazy Guy's face then walks away, never giving Crazy Guy a clue who he was. Crazy Guy screams he is calling 911 b/c BIL was harassing him and BIL tells Kiki he is driving around the corner to call Crazy Guy in b/c he is obviously on drugs. Both do it and 2 police cars show up in a minute so BIL drives back around to Crazy Guy and cops. Crazy Guy is going off and telling his side then the officers turn to BIL and ask his very different side of things, again never revealing his identity. When all is said they turn to Crazy Guy and say, "OK Sir, you are going to jail." Crazy Guy freaks out screaming how he is the one that called the cops and he didn't do anything wrong. They looked at him and smiled, "You have 2 warrants and we are going to charge you for possession of the marijuana sitting on plain viwe on the front seat of your truck, not to mention you are harassing our Asst. Chief of Police." and pointed to BIL. Crazy Guy's mouth fell open, he went to jail. This had to be the only person within 100 miles that didn't know who my BIL was, he was all over the newspapers when he was first promoted. They get stopped constantly by well wishing strangers, Brooklyn (3) thinks they are all famous now b/c everyone knows their names. I guess Crazy Guy should have read the paper.

The First of Many to Come

Ruthie had her first meltdown in quite awhile. I saw her brewing and she took off to her room, after a bit she began stomping so I went to see if she was jumping off the top bunk again. She refused to answer and since she was in a squatted position exactly where she would have landed I insisted she join me downstairs. She immediately went off. I picked her 48 # rear end and carried her. That infuriated her. I laid her on the floor in the office and let her scream. The kids started to peek in and I let them join us. I explained she obviously was in need of some attention and they were free to support her. She calmed and I asked her to stand in front of me, she began screaming at me. I know how strange this will sound but she was so great. She is so different than she was. She told me her feelings, she actually realized what was upsetting her and yelled it at me. I did have to push her a bit emotionally but she did all the work herself. She told me she is scared about moving, she has moved too many times and this is not fair, she likes her school, and she is afraid. I feel like the worst mother in the world but at least I have the best kids to make up for it.

We had a family meeting and talked about the move. We talked about being scared and angry. What it came down to is the unknown. We looked online at he new school and it is 1/3 of the size they attend now. That helped.

P.S. I just overheard Emma calling her other Mother Mama. Not that it bothers me, we have discussed it at length at Emma's request and I have encouraged her to since that is who she is to her. It is just weird and I turned around to see what she wanted. LOL

Cyr and Ava had their interviews yesterday. Cyr did very well in describing her feelings toward me and the interview on the way there. This is extremely difficult for her b/c she doesn't actually feel much. She has a very flat affect, there is no high or low, ever. No other child would be praised for telling their Mom that they hate listening to them talk, they think their Mom is stupid, or they feel like they are going to throw up if they have to describe the way their body is reacting to their feelings. She didn't raise her voice and I felt she was being honest so I praised the heck out of her only irritating her more. When we got there she was extremely cold towards me (typical) and I maintained a tight grip on her control of the situation in the playroom. I asked her to make eye contact with the interviewer when she came in to introduce herself, I was reprimanded later by the interviewer for being too strict. That was the only thing that irritated me about these folks and it really wasn't their fault, they do not understand the attachment part, sadly most don't and I look like a witch to the teachers, extended family, and general public. It stings every time and I think she enjoys making me look that way. I forced my hug and kiss as she went off to the interview, again looking weird when any normal child would have reciprocated and made it a normal exchange but her strange reaction to my love makes me look weird or unloving in some way. How does that happen? I got off there on a tangent, sorry. She did well, she looks believable and "so sweet". Again, it must be me that is the freak in this situation.

Ava continued to talk miles around the male interviewer. He gave up after 30 minutes and admitted she might have nothing to say.

I came home to a lovely home, dinner, and half the kids bathed thanks to my MIL. She is a resource we will greatly miss when we move across the state. (At least , you won't have to be awoken to hear me freaking out about missing socks anymore, Nanny.)

Ruthie has been doing the laundry. She seems to enjoy it and even though she is not good at it, I don't have to fight her. She is required to fold and separate the clothes for everyone and place the stacks on the steps, that's it. I personally washed all the socks yesterday so I knew they were clean but couldn't find a single pair of socks or Michael's pants this morning. I panicked and called my MIL after an hour and a half, hoping their disappearance was a misunderstanding and they were sitting somewhere. She, of course, had no idea what the heck I was talking about but suggested I look under the sofa Ruthie had been folding on. She was right and saved the day, I had less than 5 minutes to get each of the remaining 5 children socked and shoed before the bus came. Ruthie had stuffed ALL of our socks under there so she didn't have to match them. I am grateful she and Patches had already left for school wearing my DH's size 15 socks, it no probably saved her life. I imagine their teachers are wondering why they are wearing them.

I have to pack today. I don't want to. Maybe we could just move into a fully furnished house instead. With all the packing and cleaning I am doing in my dreams, I am surprised to find it still here every morning staring back at me, taunting me. I am getting very little sleep again, and if I do dose I am having crazy, wild dreams. The other night I had married into the mafia and they had sent someone to kill my DH b/c his new BIL was an FBI agent. They were right outside my window and later out front of our house. Every time I would go back to sleep they were there trying to kill us. I have also moved and unpacked several times, once into a mansion without the kids.

The Interviews

The kids were so nervous about today and they did wonderful. We asked them to be brave and honest, they were. Everyone but Cyr was interviewed today and she will be joining Ava tomorrow for her second interview. We didn't ask alot of details, to spare ourselves, but they confirmed everything we said and so much more. The detectives spoke to the Asst D. A. and they feel confident they will be charging them with 6 counts of Aggravated Child Molestation. They have a lot of investigating to do over the next few weeks, they need files from all the therapists, DFCS, our agency, and we have to schedule medical exams. They will be contacting the aunt, uncle, and Gparents, all are completely supportive of this process. Then they will bring in the mother alone, I will not be surprised if she confesses. He will deny it without a doubt. We talked a bit about facing them in court and what kind of witnesses they will be. The kids could go either way but they feel the tapes from today will say everything they need. They were detailed, in their own words, and they matched up on many levels, in other words too many witnesses saying the same things. Each charge can bring 25 to life, they feel any decent attorney will plead it down but there will be a lot of jail time. The kids have no idea of the legal happenings so they don't worry for the next year or longer about court. We did tell them everyone needs consequences for their behavior, they all agree and told the interviewers they never wanted to see their parents again even if they did love and miss them.

I refuse to post anymore today

The news I have been holding on to for the last few weeks that has been eating away at me is........we are having to move. This has been such a huge disappointment for us as their parents, they have moved so much, they are in the middle of the school year, and they have friends now.

When we originally moved here the Belinda decided she couldn't afford this huge house and she couldn't sell it or she would have to pay her husband half her profit from the house. We agreed to a 2 year Lease Purchase. She suddenly became addicted to crack after she was introduced to it by her new boyfriend and has since disappeared. Over Christmas we were bombarded with calls from lawyers, car rental places, then the knocks on the door in the middle of the night repo guys looking for her. We thought we had things worked out awhile back when we were able to locate her, she immediately changed her number and is gone. During our brief discussion we were able to get the mortgage company info and have been sending the payments through Western Union. They are no longer accepting the money and have begun to foreclose on the house. We will be given 3 days notice at some point but have decided to take the loss and move before they knock. We are unable to get our money back for the months they won't accept b/c it was sent in her name.

The good news. The kids are thrilled with the thought of a move and not for the reason we assumed. We were naive in thinking they would be upset and then figured they were just comfortable with moving and it was familular. No, they are happy b/c their family won't know where they are. They are so afraid their beloved aunt and uncle might tell their parents or their parents might follow them that the thought of moving is comforting. Emma is upset about losing her best friend but once we promised to have her visit, she was fine.

Now let me tell you about the house. I promise pictures when we head back out there for the walk through next week. We will be renting in the area that we will be building our dream home. The house is simple, 4 bedrooms upstairs and 2 down with a total of 3 baths. The kitchen is so small I am not sure how we will manage but everything else we need is there and I think we will be turning the dining room into additional cabinet space since we don't use a traditional table but a picnic table in the kitchen. So the house is ok but the property is perfect! With almost 4 acres they have a basketball cement pad thingy, lots of hardwood trees (that is particularly difficult to find in GA b/c pine trees are EVERYWHERE) that have the underbrush cleared out, a barn with stalls (the kids want a pig, we are thinking of horses maybe later), a gigantic area for a garden, almost an acre of grass for playing, and more berry bushes than we can eat in a summer. We are so excited about the garden, the kids remember having one at their Nanny's and I had one years ago with my teen girls. (Any advice on gardening would be helpful, I am just gonna wing it).

This area is in the country and the best part is that the home school services all the kids special education needs. They will all be going to the same school! I called the County's Transportation to find out what school it would be and the Supervisor went on and on about the school. I called the County's Special Ed Dept and she went on and on about the teachers there. I looked it up online and they are a decent school with a nice mix of children, low ration of students to teachers, low free lunches, and good test scores.

One other really good thing, the rent is less than half of what we are currently paying. We will have the resources to pay off the property we find and build on it. My DH has always dreamed of doing this himself and since we don't have the time right now to get it together we will at least move to the spot where we can do it in our own time.

I dread the move, I haven't packed a thing waiting to find out what we were doing and where we were going. Our scheduled move in date will be March 8th. Any volunteers to pack? I have decided since we are moving to a house that is so much smaller than our current one, we will be donating a lot to someone. I am leaving all their broken toys and they can take 4 or 5 toys each plus all the group toys like XBOX, board games, and outside toys. We are downsizing big time.

I am so nervous about tomorrow and another thing I have to wait to blog about for pure fear it may fall through if I speak about it. My stomach is in knots waiting for the phone to ring or the email to come through. No, it is not more kids.

I just got home from the 2 elementary schools. Ruthie and Ella were given a tour of the office and told about their safety precautions. We discussed the special treatment they receive w/o even knowing. They told them that I put on file before school started that any contact from their first family should warrant a call to the police. The kids were surprised to know the entire school is locked except for the office and the teachers are all aware of who their parents are. We have reinstated the rule that my children will not be allowed to roam w/o a teacher in the hall. Both girls feel much safer.

I am heading to 2 elementary schools this morning to show Ruthie and Ella there is a safety plan in place so they can relax about being kidnapped. They are worried their parents can just come in and check them out.

Ruthie asked me this morning if my super powers can be removed. She cracks me up sometimes. I told her only when I sleep on my head hanging from the closet, she seemed satisfied and got on the bus. I wonder what she tells that bus driver, she surely thinks I am a nut case.

Does Anyone Know Where the Fast Forward Button Is?

Last night we went to my sister's housewarming party of sorts. Had a blast. Kids were great. Came home b/c it was too cold to camp out in the lovely tent my DH put up. Woke exactly 2 hours after I fell into a beautiful slumber to race to the bathroom, missing by 10+ feet and puking all over the wall and carpet. It would be simple if I had just done it once but that wasn't the case, I couldn't move for rear of having a very large area to clean. Why doesn't someone else clean up after the sick mom? Do they everywhere else but here? My first thought when I got sick was my dear sister had poisoned all of her 100 guests, those who know her wouldn't be surprised in the least if she had. It seems it is a bug instead, I have 3 more kids on the sofa.

Emma had a blast at her Mother's house. She is starting to understand what adoption really means. Those folks not involved tend to think she will forget her family and just be happy with the one she has now. This is not the case, she loves both families deeply and to stop visits would destroy her. She needs them as much as she needs us. She is wondering about the why, now. Why didn't she keep her? Why did she keep 2 of the 4 girls? She had a good cry after her return home and then was comforted by some sugared up cereal for dinner. She is so smart and compassionate, she is one of the sweetest people I know. She worries about her Mother's loss right along with her one. How many 6 year olds get that?

Today all hell broke loose with Michael, Ava, Ruthie, and Ella. Who knows if it was me in bed or the abuse. They are eating out of the neighbors trash b/c they saw cereal (not the first time they ate like this). They were only out there to play on the front yard but Dad must not check as often as I do knowing the crazy that is within them. Two kids were rolling around on the floor and since that is a HUGE issue my DH lost it and began screaming. We had a fist fight, mini food fight, someone put a fully used pull up on the kitchen counter next to the coffee pot (what better way to say piss off Mom than that?), and since a recent discussion of bottoms tingling I am being told EVERY time they have one. This is not something a mother wants to know. In our case, I need to know while things calm back down but come on, who tingles this much? Can't someone fast forward to Spring so they can be working hard in the garden instead of letting me know they have to go relieve themselves in an intimate way? If is was for attention I could handle it but it is not, they are just trying to be honest and safe.

A fun Weekend

We are off to a camp out at my sister, Kiki's, new house. It has not a stitch of furniture and just had the toilet put in. I am sure my kids will be charming and well mannered but crazed from the over stimulation of burned marshmellows and no bed time. They are sleeping in a tent with the older cousins and with proper placement, I feel they will do well. We will have several tents out there so the ones that tend to act out will separated. My DH an I are expected to sleep on a blow up bed inside and I am thrilled he has lost so much weight, now we won't exceed the weight limit and end up on the floor.

We are having an entire pig, the kids wanted to know if it was a baby one or a senior citizen. I about fell out and assured them it died of old age. I know they will just choose the hot dogs she has provided unaware it is the same things. LOL

I slpet well last night, only waking 5 or 6 times. These nightmares are becoming more clear and I am afraid this mess with them has just stirred my own memories of abuse. This is something I can deal with. After many years of therapy I am in complete control over it and am sure it is just the fact I am relating theirs to mine. It should get better from here.

I am off to Walmart before the world wakes and the kids starve to death. We have another lovely scheduled AT appointment for Cyr and Patches today. I hope they are able to be as strong as the others.

I am a Super Hero

Ruthie was powerful in her session. She was scared and shaking but told the therapist everything. He videotaped it and we are slowly building a case. She makes a good witness much to my surprise she refused to back down. I am so proud of her. She also told the therapist I have special powers, I can keep her safe and make sure no one kidnaps her.

I am going down for a much needed nap with my sweet little Brooklyn (my niece).

I Slept, Mostly

I was restless from 1:53 on but I got several hours in. Woo Hoo!

My son has decided he won't take a shower, we are on the 3rd day. He also wets every night so there is bit of a bonus to his stench. I hug him every day and tell him I love smelly boys but it is too bad his "girlfriend" Sophia probably won't. Dad will put his foot down over the weekend and I am sure he will cave in. This is surely coming from all the stress in the house and he has coped many times this way. He protects himself from sexual abuse and emotional closeness by smelling like a toilet.

Ruthie woke in a very good mood and she is aware we are going to therapy to talk about the scary things. I think the thought of missing school makes it all worth it. LOL

I talked to their Gparents, aunt, and uncle that we will be holding off on future visits. The kids are frightened they will tell their parents were they are. They were very understanding and promised to keep their mouths shut. I feel sorry for them all, they are in such pain over the kids and the loss of their daughter. They refuse to speak to her again.

I have had my 2 nieces all week and Abs, 8, asked me if my kids were always going to be crazy or will they be normal one day. Kinda sad at 8 she sees it. I assured her they were just temporarily crazy like me and that made her laugh. She adores them, quirks and all. She just worries. She is a sweet child that is suffering from a severe undiagnosed learning disability, the same one I suffered through elementary school with. It makes her feel stupid b/c she just can't read or comprehend anywhere near grade level. I remember those feelings. She and I were talking about it yesterday and I asked her if she thought I was smart, she laughed and agreed I was. I told her we had the same LD and I know she is just as smart as me we just hide it until the teachers learn to teach us the right way. Then all of the sudden we get it and are the smartest people in the world. She is excited to be smarter than her older sister (she actually has an IQ over 130 so that may be a stretch). She is in the process of having an evaluation with a private psychologist b/c the school refused to test her, she passes all her homework (it is not graded just given a 100 if completed) but fails her tests with 50 or below still giving her a barely passing grade. Stupid, huh?

I hope this makes sense

Day 4 with only moments of drifting to sleep. I feel like things are a blur and someone has slipped me drugs.

We went to AT this AM and video taped Ella telling me alone her version of the abuse. The AT said I did an excellent job of interviewing her without putting words into her mouth. She cried and cried. I am so proud of her. She was has no idea they scheduled the forensic interview for 5 of the 6 next Tuesday. They are opting to do one of them separately due to her history of sexually abusing 2 of the children. When the AT told Ella her parents deserved to be in jail for what they did, she agreed. She wants to put them there and made him promise she would never go back to them.

Ruthie is going in for the video taping tomorrow and I do not think she will talk so openly, even if the AT steps put again. She is still reserved and quite freaked out. She thinks I am going to leave her and they will find out where we live.

I am so sad for my babies, I am sure alot of this has to do with the exhaustion but I feel on the verge of tears constantly. I am certain, without any evidence just my own instinct, that the oldest was a very important part of what happened to my kids. I think he forced her to do the same things to the kids. She has no emotions, empathy, or conscience and I feel this has a great deal to do with why. I am so afraid for her future. I am so afraid what is going to come out. I don't want to have to choose for her to move to a RTC but the AT feels that very well may be the best choice for her future. I see effort, it is there but something is holding her back and I feel this is it.

Michael is acting out and claims he can't stop thinking about what his sister did to him.

No sleep and not much of an update

As most of you know, when a child starts to reveal their abuse they become quite clingy and fears surface. Mine are, for lack of a better term, a hot mess. I have not slept in 3 days, literally, up all night. I am pacing the floors and waiting to sooth the next crying child. They are scared to death that their parents are coming for them. They wake for every noise and door alarm that goes off.

Ruthie has dark circles under her eyes and is crying spontaneously. Michael is freaking out and mouthing off to my DH, that is unheard of around here. He actually screamed at my DH. He is in his room making him a card to apologize for saying he is no longer my DH's buddy. Poor thing. Ella wants to tell me more and more details and I am having to kindly put her off to the therapist b/c I can't take any more.

The Detective that called last year about all this is now hot on their parents' trail. She is determined to get to the bottom of this. I got a call from the aunt today that DFCS and the Sheriff's Dept have called them looking for the parents to see who is living with them. We had heard they have a baby and his teen mother in the house. I was surprised at how quickly they have moved on this, within a hour of talking to me. The Detective will call me in the AM with a day to interview the kids, they are going to clear out 2 of the locations so all can happen at the same time and not put us out with several drives up there. She remembers the family history and very experienced in this area. I like her attitude.

No, I haven't died, our computer on/off button has broken. The one thing you need, not good. I will update later, maybe tomorrow during the day when most of the little ones are busy at school.

I have Kiki's (my favorite sister, no, person in the world) kids this week. It doesn't seem fair that their county is out the entire week while mine are forced to attend classes knowing their cousins are home with me.

Just a teaser...........we are moving and it will be immediately. Details to come.

I have realized in the last few days just how much I love these kids. There have been ups and downs (OK really up when they are up and really down when they are down) but we are a family. They are my entire life as unhealthy as that might be for some it is exactly what my kids needed. Even my brief time spent without them is still about them, like the RAD support dinner, the books I read, and the romantic getaway (really was a marriage support seminar given to us by our agency). They are everything. I am so glad we found them and made them a part of us, Emma was right, it was boring before they came. I am enjoying the extra snuggles this week and our little Ella is whispering things to me throughout the evening. It is the cutest thing.

I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to fit in all their conferences. All are wonderful reports. They are all very different from last year, all are developing friends and gaining confidence. Just in case y'all didn't know, MY KIDS ROCK! I can't wait to see them in 10 years.

The Flood Gates Have Opened

Ella asked to speak to me last night and with her sweet little smile I foolishly thought she was gonna talk about her Valentines. She eyed the open bathroom door where Emma and Ruthie were showering and asked if she could close the door. My heart dropped, I knew more was coming. She sat on my bed and told me of another time the abuse happened. Any flicker of a doubt I had that perhaps she could be repeating things she heard were gone. The things she described brought me to tears. She had been holding this in, no wonder this child still wets at night, no wonder she continues to be a victim. I have heard alot about sexual abuse, having been abused myself and I worked with predators , I don't break down easily from the stories. There is no way she could have over heard anything like this, she used her own words and descriptions, I was completely caught off guard. I will be speaking with the AT today and this will be reported, we will be discussing how it will all play out and if we should allow her to testify against them. She is very convincing and wants them to go to jail. She told me for the first time, she never wants to live with them again, they scare her.

When one of our kids tell us something horrific about their parents, we do a little family group and we talk a little about what was said, not details but a general chat. I ask them how they can support the child through this memory. We have learned alot this way, once they know someone else has revealed something someone else usually breaks down and adds a bit more from their side. It will trigger some of them. This time we didn't say who it was but that some thing was said, that's it. Ruthie went into the fetal position, started rocking, and sobbing. After a bit, she kinda freaked out. Everyone else left the room and she confessed. She has another story, sounds like Ella's but different. There is something that jumps out at you, the father only orchestrates, he never touches. The kids could not have made that up, they couldn't all have gotten that part the same. He is a very disturbed man and other children besides mine are involved.

Ells revealed very disturbing memories about her parents in Attachment Therapy this morning. I had to take a minute in the restroom to gather myself. At first, I thought she was just repeating things she has heard but then I noticed her hands were really sweaty and she changed her tone of voice, the words were her own. It makes me sad, more angry that sad and very worried about what else may come out.

My son has now begun to call me Mama. It is in a baby voice and I am trying to ignore it b/c it is annoying. They all call me Mom or Mommy, not Mama. Weird that it makes a difference but it does.

Cyr is rocking on her chore lately and she decided to wear clean clothes today! I hate to praise her for it b/c she will stop but I can tell y'all. Yeah!!!!

Ava broke toothpicks in half and put them outside my door. She admitted in AT today that it was to hurt me. How sad is that? They did hurt me, one stabbed me in the foot as I went to my room last night. At least she is succeeding in something.

The AT was asking about a relationship I have with someone, not a relative or friend but more of a professional relationship, he wanted to understand her part in our life and her boundaries with the kids. I explained she was very passionate about the kids and I thought he would fall off the chair. He admitted he loves to hear my descriptions of people and that is whey he has asked about several people lately. He chooses ones I seem a bit negative about b/c he loves to see me spin a positive response when he knows the opposite is true. He swears that is why I am so good for these kids, I take an overbearing, nosey person and call them passionate.

SO Emma's friend, Lauren, spent the night and Sunday morning we made Banana Chocolate Chip Pancakes. Within 30 minutes of eating the child was covered in hives. Her entire back, face, ears, and neck. I called her parents and they immediately picked her up. She has Strep and Fifth's Disease. Lovely.

A few random things:
I have so much to do today that I am avoiding life by catching up on blogs. I have several teacher conferences this week and next, Goody. Em missed the bus for the first time b/c she couldn't find her shoes so now she is paying me to drive her. Van is still not running, I hope this week is the week. Someone is stealing food out of the pantry at night, of course it's not the fruit, it's the sweet stuff. I read Frankee's blog and the sister she is staying with is using Meth so she is miserable. Frankee also wrote she is getting her daughter this weekend but I am not sure it is true.

So what does a crazy Mother do if she finds someone to take 4 of her kids for the night? She takes someone elses. Patches, Michael, Ruthie, and Ava are at their Nanny's for the night. Emma spent last night with her best friend, Lauren, and apparently 1 night just isn't enough for them b/c she called asking if she could bring her home. I felt naked with only a couple all day so I said to bring her on. They will be sleeping in the living room on sleeping bags and I will be sharing our king sized bed with Cyr to be sure she stays where she should. DH is out for the evening with friends and he won't drive after even 1 beer so he plans to crash on their sofa. I appreciate it b/c I hate to wake up to beer breath and I prefer him alive.

Last night I went to our RAD support dinner. He watched the kids and I was out until almost midnight. I love those parents, we have a blast. I was in tears from laughter 20 times, their stories are so funny and we have so much in common. We have missed a few months due to the holiday and that is probably when we need it the most.

The 2 oldest had AT today. Both made huge statements that will impact them for some time. One admitted for the first time that something has happened to her (sexually). She would only respond with nods and ended up in a very scary disassociative state with shaking all over, rapid eye movements, and a weird breathing pattern. The AT was very concerned and told me we would do this in VERY small steps for her safety. The other child scares the heck out of the AT, she is concerned for my future safety. This child has admitted she wishes I would just go away, she would be just fine with my Dh and the kids. She doesn't have a plan and claims she doesn't want to hurt me, for me to just not exist would be great. Same child expressed the fear of becoming her parents and WANTS to do better. This is a very small step towards empathy, something she has never had before. The AT will be sending out 2 more therapists to assist in teaching the kids social skills and they will help monitor my safety. I am thrilled. I really do not fear her hurting me right now but I see it as a potential problem down the road. She does seem to really want help and that is a good sign.

BB, I will be fine, please don't worry so much. I know this all sounds so scary from your position but I really have a lot of support from the therapists and this is what I am meant to do. I had such wonderful examples like you and Rosie. You loved me even when I was unloveable, you forgave me regardless of the crime, and you showed me what a real marriage should look like. I love you both so much and I think of Rosie every day. You have no idea the impact you and Fred had on my life, you are more family than many of my blood relatives. In case I forgot to tell you before, thank you.

I hate it when a kid MAKES themselves cry (over not getting to a toy first) until they hyperventilate and when they cough for over an hour to irritate me. My responses today to both kids were, "I'll check on you when I hear you pass out." and "If you throw up, Sweetie, make sure you clean it up." A huge step up from stabbing herself with pencils and attacking me.

More

The DP of the aunt returned my call and was shitty with me, not snotty, shitty. She told me this was all my fault, I refused to go to the courthouse and sign the paperwork. This is true, I couldn't go at the specific time she required b/c my DH was at work and I had several kids home with fevers. I never refused to sign anything. She left me a message AFTER she was at the courthouse and I called her back ASAP. She had already left the building and paid for a Sheriff to deliver the paperwork. I thought they would deliver quickly, like the D.A. delivered Frankee's restraining order. I was wrong. How is this MY fault? I am so angry right now I could spit. Michael is taking tomorrow morning off to go sign. These people need to go away!!!!!!

What a Stinking Mess

Shyanne has been gone since Friday and I still haven't been served the discharge paperwork. I talked to the aunt on Tuesday and she promised in a snotty tone to look into it. I called her again today and explained I can not be legally responsible for a child that is not in my care. She, again, was snotty and said she would look into it. I called their county probate courts to see if they had filed and they had. The requested a copy of my paperwork and said they would not grant it until I had discharged it. She mentioned I needed to check with our county office to see if the mother can even sign it or are her rights temporarily terminated. Our county agreed with their county. Great, I have a kid that I have no idea where she is, I am responsible for her, she is not in school, and the family refuses to help. I asked her what I should do. She said, "You are to treat her as if she is your own child. What would you do if someone promised to return your child and didn't?" Call the police, right? I do not want this to drag out but I can not wait forever. They were not to remove her until I discharged. In the middle of all this her therapist called and asked to see her. I had to tell her the situation and now she is reporting this to DFCS. Lovely. She said this child's best interest was not being considered by her mother and she thinks she should stay put until the year is out. I hate to give up on a child but I want this craziness out of my life. If the court says they are alright, I do not want to fight this. Just get it done already.

Oh My!

Thank you so much for commenting and letting me know a little about yourselves. I am gonna get right on those blogs the minute the kids can survive without me for a minute or two.

I recognize several of you from the adoption sites I try to keep up with. You guys are the best! Atlasien, we really need to get together for coffee or a playground when your little one comes home.
Jen, you are such an amazing woman, I adore you.
Andy, Liam is one lucky little dude.
DebiP, get your butt back to blogging.


Kerry, do you always do what Yondalla says? LOL

Brooklyn, thank you.

Always. Faith, I am happy to agree to disagree.

Marthavmuffin, I am glad I sound patient, sure doesn't feel that way sometimes. I can't wait to hear from you again.

Soontobemom, we are in the same boat and I promise to help feed your addiction. Thank you for your kind words.

Mongoose, who could forget you? We are even, I don't think I have read yours from the beginning either. LOL

Wendy, I wish you all the luck in the world. How serious was the head injury? My DH has had 2 traumatic head injuries and while he would love to convince everyone he is fine, we can all see he still struggles every day to remember everything.

Emily, I think it is too funny you are reading this at work, that is a job I would love.

Monica, I love teen girls, that is where my journey began.

Carmel, I can't wait to hear about your new kiddos.

AnnMarie, I hope you are enjoying it.

Anna, I noticed someone up there, welcome.

Liveurlife, I love your name.

Maggie, thank you. Are you connected to adoption in any way and what do you want to be when you grow up?

Angie, there is not much difference after 3 kids so just add a couple more. I just love Lorie!

Torina, bring on the teens. I love your description of our kids, you are right on the money.

Suzanne, I am completely addicted to Sharon's blog.

Shadowcat, these children can make our lives very lonely. My Dh wold not let me live if I didn't comment on how he is Scottish and is a descendent of King Robert of Bruce. LOL

I hope I didn't miss anyone.

Who are you?

Y'all really are reading the whole thing! I have been checking the sitemeter to see who is from where since no one new is really commenting and so many folks have hit me 40-80 times in the last day or so I can tell you are getting into it.

I had a record high of 1558 hits in one day on Saturday. Anyone want to de lurk? How about the new folks in NE or GA? I know BB reads from NE but who is the other person? There are several people from GA, Atlanta and Alpharetta, talk to me people. I had mass reading from NH and who is from Taiwan, you sure are a faithful reader. Tell me what you think, let me have it if I make you mad, just let me know you are here.

Thank you all so much for stopping by even if you choose not to come out and play.

Being Served

Everyone here is getting sick, they either are at the end, in the throws of a serious fevers, or starting to drip from every hole in their head. I am surrounded by needy, sick people! I keep thinking I am going to get it any minute but have somehow managed to keep it at bay. I have had my moments of misery but never went down.

Cyr is having a hard time keeping friends and my first instinct is it is her but what if it is the other girl? She is flipping through "boyfriends", too.

Frankee never called back and her sister's DP called yesterday to tell me they are having the Sheriff serve us papers to sign and file for their guardianship. We decided this is her child and no matter how screwed up she is she has a right to make the decision to lose her. As long as she doesn't end up back with her, anything is an improvement on what her life was. Shyanne deserves family.

Frankee on the other hand has posted some lovely crap about me on her MySpace page. She is in another "relationship" with a guy she met there. We have figured out she has had unprotected sex with 6 people in 2 months. That is a death wish. I am very angry with her and have thought of composing an email but am afraid I will be hateful and prove her right. She needs someone to blame for her disregard to our rules and safety so for now it is me. I am sure we won't hear from her for a very long time, if ever. She has no connection to ANYONE and is able to completely shut them off without looking back. It is so sad we have been through this with several of our former foster children, they use us up and never look back. The few that do are always forgiven and welcomed back with an apology. She is a very sick person and I hope she is able to find a safe place to land b/c I do not think she will ever heal.

The house feels weird without Shyanne and Frankee. She may hate us but we will miss them.

A Confession, More Sick Kids, and a Fight

I did something horrible, I am not ashamed, and you can't make me be. Frankee had installed the MySpace IM thing on my computer and it is always on so these creeps pop up. They do not just say things like, "Are you there?" or "What's up?", they say "Hey, Sexy!" and "I need to see you, I'm horney!". I don't want my kids to see that crap so as they popped up I told them to leave me alone and blocked them. This means she loses contact with these losers w/o even knowing it. Well, that's not the part I am talking about, last night that felon popped up. His words made it obvious she hadn't really told him to go away and he began begging her to come over for sex. I finally responded in a nasty way, "You are a criminal! Go away, get a clue, I am not your friend!" and then I blocked him. MUHAHAHA! See no guilt here.

I've got multiple kids going down. Ava and Shyanne on Thursday and Friday. Ava felt better yesterday but is back down for the count and took Patches and I with her. My DH has been in bed for 4 days with this stuff. Little Michael, Ruthie, and Emma are about to hit the floor any minute, they are coughing and complaining of a headache. I think Cyr may be the only survivor in all this and it is due to her constant distance to us, she pointed this out as a good reason to stay away. Yeah, right!

My DH is the best man I know. Who else would have agreed to parent our little crazies? He hasn't been feeling well and he has been a weiney about EVERYTHING. I went to give him medicine the other day and he yelled at me b/c I had to turn on the light in the hall. Kind of a jerk to say the least. ANyway, he has been kinda picking on Michael, he thinks it is in good fun but it getting to be too much. He calls him a girl, his daughter, a Mama's boy, etc. Michael is a bit feminine and while I have no idea his sexual orientation it is possible we will learn one day he is gay. He likes many things that are more feminine and even like to paint his toe nails red, not pink b/c in his mind that would be girlie. This could all be b/c he is the only boy or not, who knows? I just think we need to be careful about teasing him about that, just in case. My DH is an idiot and thinks otherwise. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't care if he is, he just thinks I am going to open the door and make it happen by not making him tough enough. Stupid man. So we argued about it and even though he doesn't agree with me, he does agree he doesn't want to hurt his feelings so he apologized to him. It was so sweet, he told him he loved him, he doesn't really think he is a girl, and he told him he sometimes makes mistakes as a Dad b/c he didn't have a good example as a kid and he needs Mom to tell him how to be better just like Michael. He promised me he will try to watch his words and teach him about being a boy and not teasing his feminine side. My DH has good intentions, he is just a man. LOL

Then they went to the store and got more medicine for us and some chocolate for them. I guess he showed me.

Never Mind

We had made the offer to Frankee and she claimed she wanted the weekend to think about it. An hour later her sister called and said she was coming over with all the paperwork and a notary. I tried to call Frankee repeatedly but she refused to answer the phone, I know she had her sister's cell and asked her to call it for me. That was several hours ago and she has still not returned my call and all she knows is it is about Shyanne. I think she is drining or doing drugs so she won't answer. I went to her MySpace page and she talks about betrayal and how happy she is to be out of here and with her partying sister. I am so sad for Shyanne but we are done and she is already gone.

My kids have learned so much about us through this. They have seen and commented on the length we will go to help one of our "kids". They see what kind of parent walks away and they related this to their parents way of parenting. It is sweet to see them trying to comfort me b/c I am worried about Frankee and Shyanne's future. I think this helped us as a family. We will miss Shyanne and hope that her family steps up and does what is right by her.

What to do about Shyanne?

I think Frankee is making a huge mistake by sending her daughter to live with her sister. Her sister is of the belief system that she will forget her mother if she doesn't talk to her. She refused to let her have ANY contact the last time she was there and won't even let her know where she lives or the phone number to the house. They are trying to send her to private school and that will make her 6th school this year. She started Kindergarten with her Mother, DFCS sent her to her Gpa's, then her aunt within 2 weeks, her aunt moved, then to us, and now back to aunt. All that since September. She is so delayed in school that it is not even funny. I am not sure if I am hurt and reacting to my feelings of rejection or if it is really in her best interest that she should stay here. I can't figure this out and she does want to go there but she says it is b/c she misses the horses and dog. She is the only child there but she was also told her Mother would live very close by. I am confused and very concerned about this child's future. This aunt threw out her pregnant 16 yr old to live with her 26 yr old boyfriend and has only been living with her partner for a few months herself. I think her partner is a lovely woman but the aunt has not always been a good parent, she herself had lost custody of her children several years ago to her ex husband and has no contact with her son at all. Her daughter only lived with her briefly until she became pregnant. I just don't know what to do. I think I could fight but should I? Shyanne, Frankee, and her sisters all say she should stay with family, I agree in most cases but Frankee was so desperate to get her away from her in the first place. I am so sad for this little girl, she is about to lose her Mother.

Edited to add: I discussed this with my wonderful husband and we felt it was completely unfair to Shaynne, we have made the offer to Frankee that she move back in until school is out. She must stay off the computer and focus all her attention on her child. She is taking the weekend to think about it.

Sick Kids, Lying Adults, and a Quick Finger

Ava and Shyanne are home from school with a fever, nasty cough, and sniffles. Their little faces are so red.

Frankee's sister called me last night to tell me that she was filing for Legal Custody not Legal Guardianship. I had asked a few days before what the difference was and the way she explained I thought she was just calling it something else to make herself sound more knowledgeable. (she does that a lot) Turns out what it REALLY means is she is terminating Frankee's parental rights but not adopting Shyanne. She is going to trick her into this b/c she doesn't want her moved again. Not very nice and I spilled the beans. She also doesn't want her to visit her child in the future and this would assure that. I agree that she is not responsible to take the child out but to refuse contact is not in the child's best interest. I am very disappointed in her sister and do not think I can move forward with this. I am not sure how much I can fight this or if I have a leg to stand on but I feel very strongly that this child needs her Mother in her life even if it has to be supervised. I am hoping they are able to work things out and do guardianship so I won't have to step up. Frankee is very depressed again and it is entirely possible she will just sign the paperwork.

On a stupid note, I still check the child listings occasionally and even keep a list of kids I might be interested in to see when they find a family. Most of you know the big listing of waiting children in foster care around the country that I am talking about. I accidently sent off an inquiry on the big group of 6 that are new on there. I could kick myself, that poor SW is probably thinking, "WOW that was fast. Someone interested in such a large group is hard to find, we are so lucky." Tthen I have to tell her when she responds that I clicked the wrong button. We can't even consider another group for at least 6 months post adoption and I am not sure if we will be ready yet or not. The kids are doing so good right now but with Cyr's recently discovered issues I just think waiting is good. I am in love with this group on the listing though they are all under 10 and are Hispanic. Of course they have some issues and one they think may be autistic. I love a challenge and since we don't have one with that yet I would get to do more research. Not ready though, well, not today at least, maybe tomorrow. LOL

Too bad for Ava that she is the cutest when she is mad at me. It is so hard for me to be mad back. When I smile she will stick out her tongue hoping for a negative reaction from me but it always makes me laugh. I gotta work on my pout face.

Cyr

Cyr loves to sit back and quietly push buttons. This is her thing. She is loved by everyone that meets her, she likes everything they do and she doesn't get mad. What they can't see is she is stealing their things, manipulating them, back stabbing them, and getting back at them in her sly little ways.

I got to thinking the other day it has been a long time since I have had a pile of her clothes. I checked her private bathroom and found it FULL of them. She was asked to clean them up, my bad for not being specific so yesterday I found them jam packed under her sink. I think it has to be everything the child owns b/c now that I think back I am not sure she has had any clothes cleaned since she moved down there. Gross! I also discovered she has been listening to Frankees conversations on the other extension. Rude? She stole a very nice razor from Frankee's bathroom and hid it in her's. EEWW! I check her email account sometimes to see if she is being appropriate and discovered she is "dating" the brother of her neighborhood friend and she had been emailing Frankee weird things. ("I like you more than I like my Mom." "You are so cool and funny, my Mom sucks." and other lovely sentiments) No wonder he was at the bus stop this morning for the first time ever, she snuck out yesterday when MIL was babysitting, and she is hiding with the phone. She has stopped doing her homework and has D s in 4 or 5 areas. Those are just the things I caught yesterday. She quietly manipulates my DH and tries to make him feel sorry for her until I step in and he sees the whole picture. (Don't get me wrong he knows she is trying to do something but he just can't figure out what until I tell him.) She also bullied Ella into trading back packs with her so she could have a cute one and Ella could have her old one.

I can't wait to see her non reaction when I address these issues with her. She will not respond and will take any consequence quietly making sure I never know if it angered her. She will even laugh about it at some point like it was so funny.

A Night Off

Last night my DH and I ran some errands and had my MIL watch the kids for us b/c Frankee was supposed to be picked up before the kids got home from school. She did not and ended up fussing with my MIL all evening. My MIL is deaf and wears a hearing aide to help but still misses most of what you say, she THINKS she gets it all and will even respond as though she is following you. It helps her deal with the kids, she misses most of the arguing and running around b/c she can't hear it. She does keep them close for safety but she just can't hear them. Frankee was shocked and upset that they got so loud and were running around the house, she told them so many times. MIL didn't think anything was wrong and got mad at Frankee. MIL fed the kids ice cream, huge bowls with cookies in it. We don't do that and Frankee was upset that she gave crazy acting kids a treat. MIL is easily snowed by the kids and Frankee hears their lies and reacts like they are lies. I will be talking to the kids about their screaming and running but the rest I think I will chalk up to Grandma Time. Yes, they manipulate her but she lets them. She is free and she likes to do it, I figure don't look a gift horse in the mouth, right? I came home to a clean house, laundry almost caught up, kids that were bathed and fed, and they were all alive. What more can I ask for? LOL

Frankee has rescheduled her departure for today. I think she is going to switch Shyanne's guardianship to her sister and that is fine by me. The sad thing is she will not see her and will never get her back. She is aware this is the case and knows I will do whatever it takes for he to have a relationship with her child but there is a chance she would get her back with me. She needs to destroy that chance. I am sad for both of them but it is her choice. I am grateful she will be leaving on good terms with us, she is laughing and smiling instead of ignoring me so that is a step in the right direction.

A picture may be worth a thousand words but this one may be worth $10,000. My DH has bred genetically altered reptiles for years and this is his latest hook up. These are altered redtail boas. It works much like dog breeding, you breed the ones together with the qualities you like to get more of what you like. You would never find either one of these in the wild, they are man made colors. He breeds wild colors of Leopard Geckos and several kinds of Boas. He has his own little set up in the basement, his own dishwasher, sink, cabinets, and freezer (for the bags of frozen rats). He loves his hobby and struggles to keep it just that, a hobby. If he won the lottery this would be his daytime job, after of course the new transmission and tires.

Very Bad News

Before I get into the VERY BAD NEWS, I wanted to tell Mongoose that she is one of the kindest and most supportive folks, I really appreciate the offer but I have to decline. You are putting my family before your own needs and I will always remember this, if I can ever do anything for you please let me know. I am here.

On to the freaking me out, making me cry bad stuff. I have complained before about Frankee's poor choices with men and her MySpace account. She has met 50+ weird people on there and Friday I saw she had pictures of MY kids on there so I asked her to remove them. Not that bad you say to yourself, that is not the bad part. Friday night she comes home from work with some car following her and announces she is going out for the night with Chris. I think Chris is someone from work and remind her she needs to be home by 9AM to watch a few kids so I can attend AT. She surprised me and was home at 7:30AM but hung over, AGAIN. This has become an EVERY weekend event and she is so focused on her getting drunk and going out every weekend that her search for playmates for it begin on Monday. Anyway, she needed a ride to work Saturday and Sunday night and this Chris volunteers to drive over an hour each way to take her and then come back to bring her home. I am thinking weird guy, something is wrong with him. Then I find out he doesn't work with her he met her on the Internet and is only doing this b/c he likes her. Oh No! She then tell me yesterday he is kinda freaking her out but lets him drive to pick her up anyway. She calls from work and says he mentioned "prison" a few times and is making her feel uncomfortable so look him up online. OMG! Turns out he is not only an ex convict still on parole due to his VERY recent discharge after 8 yrs in prison but his crimes are very violent. He has 2 counts of aggravated assault (attempted murder here), discharge of a fire arm (how he tried to kill 2 people), and 2 felony counts of possession of a controlled substance (cocaine). Then after he was released on a property bond he went somewhere and was convicted of 1st degree Arson (they had to prove he planned the act before doing it and intended serious if not fatal injury to someone) and possession of explosives. I hope it was not an ex girlfriend. My new BIL is the Asst. CHief of Police over there and offered to pull up the reports for me.

Needless to say, we have had to ask her to move out immediately. This worries me greatly b/c she is bipolar and can be quite vindictive, her daughter can not go with her, and who knows what she will tell this guy about why she has to move. I talked to Frankee's sister last night and she wants Shyanne back immediately. We can't legally do that either. It really doesn't look like Frankee is going to get her crap together so we need to think long term family for this child. I am more than willing to have her stay here but she does have family that wants her so if Frankee wants that I will do what I can to help. I know we can't just transfer guardianship, it doesn't work that way. How sad for that little girl?


On a better note, my husband's very expensive snakes have hooked up so this year we are going to Disney World! (if they actually have live babies and not slugs that is)

Too Much on My Plate Today

My van is taking a crap on me. Well, just the transmission. If any of you that were not angered into sending me hate email privately after the last post have a love for fixing transmissions for free please come on over and have at it. I am very discouraged b/c it is not something I can afford right now or in the near future and it means the kids will miss their therapies indefinitely until we lose our providers. That is, of course, unless we are granted a miracle windfall of a couple of thousand dollars in the lottery I always forget to play. Oh as long as I am wishing for things, how about tires b/c the back ones are slick enough to question if there ever was tread.

On a therapy note, Cyr refused to participate in AT. She was stone faced the entire time the therapist talked about the horrible things she has done to her siblings until recently. We were very direct but made sure she didn't feel like a bad person b/c of it. After 30 minutes of nothing from her, we left and she acted like nothing happened. I am really worried about her. Her consequence for not participating is we get to discuss it alone at my convenience and since I can't "schedule" it she will have to forgo all her plans this weekend to be ready when I can sit down with her.

I am so tired today I am sure I will doze w/o meaning to (kids can't be trusted so it is out of the question). Shyanne does not sleep past about 5:30AM and DH was up coughing all night. With my sleep issues coming up again for the last week I feel dead on my feet.

A Little Venting Does a Body Good

I have noticed twice in the last week people posting on Adoptions.com about foster parents being called Mom and Dad. It really pisses me off that they do this and let me explain why. THEY ARE FOSTER PARENTS! Temporary until adoption becomes the plan. Young children do not understand this and by letting (b/c I know it just comes out of their little mouths) them do this confuses them when they either go home or end up in an adoptive home. My kids lingered in foster care for 6.5 years, they were all extremely young when they entered and called ALL of their foster parents Mom and Dad. I know the FP meant well, I adore the couple that kept them the most and know they really loved the kids. This is part of the reason my kids can't grasp that I am different, they have had 12-15 Moms so what makes me so special? I have tried to explain they have a Mother, they have had Foster Mothers, and I am Mom. SO what lady, I called them all Mom and they said they loved me, they all left. I believe Foster Parents are a very special person in a child's life, they can be the one that saved them, helped them through their pain, been the first person to really care about them or show them attention, they are heroes but they are not their Mother until the plan goes to adoption. They have the role of Mother and they do all kinds of crap work to help the child but is being called Mom the reason they do it? No, they do it to make a difference in a child's life. Being called Mom doesn't make the job easier or more fulfilling so please consider that when a child calls you Mom. Please don't feel I attacked it's just me opinion and it is something we are having a hard time with.

The other thing is our damn bus driver. I have told him, the school has told him, and the county office has told him to move Cyr to the front near him to protect other children and he won't. He is the same idiot that said he couldn't report a violent child b/c her Dad was yelling at him at the bus stop. He decided to allow my children to be assaulted instead.

Done, I feel better now so thanks for listening.

I forgot to add...who is from Cumming, GA? We are neighbors so please speak up!

A Tick?

Patches has been doing this weird thing with her eyes and a jerking movement with her head, it took me awhile to figure out she is winking at me. LOL I thought she had developed a tick! She is so funny, she is doing this 10 to 12 times a day for the last week or so. My kids are so uncoordinated. I will try to get this on video b/c I swear you will laugh out loud, she looks like something is wrong with her.

Michael has been doing extremely well for the last few weeks and I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. Even Patches has calmed quite a bit. Ava has decided it isn't worth it to be the last person for EVERYTHING since I began having her do jumping jacks to speed her up. Cyr's response to things is so blah it makes me want to force her to react. Won't do it but want to.

My DH is sick and wants me to play nurse maid. Sorry don't have time for it.

Our male AT is so funny, we are starting to get to know each other and he is becoming comfortable with teasing me. Not inappropriately, just putting me in a spot in front of the kids. Yesterday he decided it would be funny to have me tell the kids a story but instead of giving me a warning he just said, "Hey Mom why don't you tell Ava about the duck that lived with the geese." Of course this is with a huge smile on his face. OK, I need a little more than that to make up a story, what is the goal here? He did give me a bit more info when asked but turned around and did it again with Ella. This time it was an injured bird so I knew what he was getting to. At least he is being entertained by watching me squirm.

Thank goodness that is over, the kids are all back in school today and I can clean up the house. They were all very well behaved but the constant presence confirmed I can not home school them. It is something we have tossed around due to the school's disbelief in RAD.

Frankee started her new job and was irritated it took her 30 minutes to get 10 miles. SHe has to pass the biggest mall in our state and it happens at traffic time, DUH. I begged her to look closer and this side of the mall but she insisted no one was hiring. I found several places within a mile that were hiring but I guess she didn't like them.

The lady that owns our house has disappeared again and before we could get her to sign the paperwork. I am so disappointed and angry. We are going to worry for the next few months and if she doesn't show up we have decided to walk away and cut our losses.

We got so much more snow yesterday. What is up with the weather here? I swear last year we only had a few flurries one time and they didn't even make it to the ground before melting. The kids played all day in the snow or should I say slush in the yard. It did manage to freeze up really well last night and make some of the road nasty with black ice.

The best thing is Michael went on his first play date. Yes, he was very well behaved and can't wait to go back. They took him sledding in the park and fed him homemade cookies, now he wants to live with them. He was so excited b/c their family has 3 little boys and NO GIRLS, heaven for him. LOL

Tomorrow we have 7 dentist appointments at 8AM and I am not sure what I was thinking when I made the appointments but we will go anyway.

A Cup of Pee and an Attempt on My Life

After a lovely IEP meeting with Ruthie's teachers I received a call from Frankee that I needed to hurry home. She had to be left with the kids for about 20 minutes so I could attend the meeting and she was furious about something. Turns out she found a plastic cup full of pee in the bathroom. Yes, someone actually thought it would be cool to get a cup from the kitchen, pee in it, and leave it for someone else to find. I knew right away who it was but of course had to be sure so I set everyone down in the living room and asked. No one jumped up and begged forgiveness but Patches raised her hand, the culprit had confessed to her. I am sure you had already guessed it was Ava. I asked her if it was true and she nodded.

I remained very calm and we did some snuggle time. We had a long hard talk about why other kids do these kinds of things. She admitted she is mad at me for hollaring at her, sending her to her room sometimes, and for making her do her chore. She also admitted she is mad at her Mother for not taking care of her and making her come here. She is such a sad little girl. I told her how awesome she is, how much I love her even if she wanted surround herself with cups of pee, explained my job as her Mother was to teach her lessons that she might not want to learn, and told her I will never give up on her. Her AT had decided to step her up a bit and I completely agree, she is very disturbed.

I cut Ella's hair last night and she is possibly the cutest kid ever. Ruthie needed her bangs trimmed and she, too, is a cutie.

We had quite scare yesterday, Frankee had run out of gas in my van and had to get a can of gas and walk back and fill it up. She set the can in the van and grabbed me a grilled chicken sandwich and put the bag next to the can. I guess it soaked up the gas into my sandwich b/c when I was eating it it tasted weird and I kept smelling gas. I assumed Frankee was what smelled and the soggy sandwich had just been sitting too long. I was wrong. Of course, I finished the sandwich and my throat started burning so I called Poison Control. SHe had indeed tried to kill me but wasn't successful this attempt. I have been teasing her since, she feels terrible. She swears she will think it through before she tries again.

The Sky is Falling

We were at OT all afternoon and my DH called to say it was snowing where he was. We got updates his entire ride home and eventually saw it coming down where we were. The kids were thrilled to say the least. I posted pictures of them before dinner playing in it. Here in the South we must enjoy it quickly b/c it will probably not stick and will be gone before you get up. It was. Kids had to goto school b/c it never got below freezing. They were not happy.





You can see the grass showing through the tiny bit of snow but hey Patches got all the kids on a borrowed snowboard and down the yard they went.


















We had several kids try to make snow angels. It was too funny.









Cyr, Shayanne, Michael, Ruthie, Emma, Ella, and Ava. Patches was on the phone with her "boyfriend" talking about nothing but he snow instead of enjoying it. Ruthie had to hide her pants b/c she peed and was afraid I would make her go in.

Two Days in One Post

A lot has happened today and not much to do with the kids. I got up this morning and got the kids off to school with only an issue from Shyanne. She is really begining to show her booty and her Mother claims it has to do with MY kids, I do not think so. She is angry at her Mother and rightfully so. Frankee refuses to consider her child has issues b/c her life has been better than hers. Frankee was beaten, starved, and locked in small places for entertainment by her step mother and father so anything is better than that, right? This is hard to explain to Frankee since it means she would have to admit she hasn't been a good parent. Frankee gets so angry at the child for having a bit of a fit and engages in the power struggle giving the child too many choices. She lost it this morning over what to wear, Shyanne wants to wear jeans but didn't have any clean. Frankee felt bad b/c she doesn't have many pairs of jeans. After 10 minutes of screaming at each other Frankee spanked her. We do not spank here and we are having a sit down tonight about it.

This morning I decided to visit a local support group for parents with children under stress. It is a great organization and the first meeting I have attended. I got a strange call from the founder of the organization at 8:30AM and thought something was up. I asked her if it was a small meeting trying to get a feel for the reason she really called. She was polite and asked for me to call her after to tell her how I liked it. I told Frankee and my DH that I would be in charge of this group within a month or two. Only one person showed up and she was a freak show. After an hour and 40 minutes of being held hostage this woman, I knew I was right. She has 3 kids and NONE of them have any kind of disability. I think came face to face with someone with Munchausen by Proxy. She admitted the school and doctors kept telling her her children were fine but she kept telling these stories about how they had to have a protein shake to gain weight. I asked how old and how much he weighed and started laughing, yes out loud. Her son is 8 and weighs 58#, my son is 7.5 and weighs 43#. Who needs the protein shake now? That is only one of the weird things she said and probably the mildest. She tried to give me advice and when I corrected her she tried to talk in circles around me.

I called the office when I got home and asked how I could help increase participation in this group. She asked a few questions and I answered honestly, she told me she was afraid of that and asked me to consider taking the group over. Turns out she had already asked our OT about me and had the idea in her head this morning when we talked. I am excited b/c it only meets once a month and would put us on the top of the list for all the fun stuff they do and provide for families like us.

All of the above was from Tuesday but I couldn't get it to post so I just saved it.

This morning we went to AT with Ella and Michael. Ella has this issue answering adults, she won't she just stands there silently staring at you refusing to speak. We can't quite figure out the issue, does she think she is in trouble, is about control, does she understand the question, does her brain not process quick enough to respond? The AT is convinced it is control, he was able to see it first hand today and said there is no doubt. Great, another game I have to win. We started neurofeedback today and for those of you that understand it (not me, yet) she is 7 to 1. I guess it is not good b/c she and Michael will begin to do this at home with me very soon. He noticed Ella's head is flat in the back and commented on how kids head's become flat. I already knew, she spent most of her time in a crib and considering she had Cerebral Palsy she was left there alot longer than her twin. I knew about the flat spot but it made me so sad all over again for her.

I am not telling anyone in real life but I can share with you that I have exercised and eaten right for 3 days. I even stopped and fed my son fast food (we do it every Wed after AT b/c he checks in after lunch) and didn't eat a bite. I later had a salad and diet drink. Woo Hoo, Me! The holidays and some kind of after adoption let down thing has added 10 more pounds. I knew something was up when my stretchy jeans started to fit and my granny panties became thongs. I am over 200# and am only 5'5". I don't mind being fluffy but this is getting pathetic. I have made excuses about not wanting sagging skin but come on, I will happily tuck my stomach into my jeans to be a size 12. So here it goes I want to drop from a size 18 to a 12.

Too Many Good Days

I knew coming into this that I would never be appreciated, treated with the respect they automatically have for their first family, and I knew of the possibility of never being loved. I am screamed at every day, if not every hour, by one of my traumatized children. I can take, "Your not my Mother", "I hate you", and my favorite is "Your a F&^%$# B$%&*" most days, today is not one of those days. I went off of Patches a few minutes ago and I do not regret it, yet. What is it I have done to her that make her so angry at me? Nothing I could have done deserves this level of nasty treatment. I am not sure what is sending me over the edge today but I am there. I am tired of being held hostage by my kids and I am not sure what or how but I am going to dazzle the socks off of them in hopes to shake things up in a new way around here. You just hide and watch.

Emma and Her New Look

Emma has been complaining about having a difficult time seeing the board at school. I have blown her off for the last YEAR b/c she is so dramatic and is desperate for glasses like her sisters. On Wednesday I was in there getting Patches and Cyr's new glasses ordered and Emma wouldn't hush so I asked the lady if there was a way to determine if it was wishful or hopeful. She did a preliminary test and then agreed with Em so we scheduled an appointment for her this morning with the doctor. She did very well and does, in fact, need glasses. She was so excited she bounced around the store for an hour trying on EVERY pair in stock before choosing these. They have a Hannah Montana sticker on one eye and another on the arm of the other side but you get the idea. Patches is getting the same ones but in pink. These girls are so darn cute but I will have to post pictures with their's when the real ones come in.

Afterward we headed for some lunch where she freaked out about the sun and told everyone that she was getting glasses. (Like they couldn't tell from her dark temp glasses to protect her eyes and the large sticker on her shirt)

Cyr has been buddying up to Frankee and even Frankee has noticed it is weird. This morning Cyr got up 2 hours early and refused to feed the dog. She always feeds him and it is her chore so I was surprised she just didn't do it. When I asked her about it I told her it was mean and how would she like it if I just decided not to feed her until dinner? She doesn't have empathy for others so I frequently try to help her see the other side. She also doesn't have any significant emotions so she barely responded. Most kids would argue their point or become irritated in some way about it but she is just quiet and stares at you. Evidently, I did get her upset on some level b/c I caught her leaning over my coffee and spitting into it. Nice, huh? I won't leave that unattended again. I should have thanked her for reminding me not to trust her.

The House

We found our home last Spring and had to have it. We have done so much work to it and spent so much money on it and looking back it was a mistake. We agreed to do a 2 yr lease and purchase the home after the owners divorce was final so she would not have to share any profit with her drug addicted soon to be ex husband. Since that time we have been visited by multiple repo guys in the middle of the night looking for her, Enterprise Rental Cars at 7 am, and harassed by lawyers looking to file criminal charges against her. We began receiving certified mail for her several months ago but had no idea what they were for until the lawyer reached us and filled us in. She has lost all of her homes (3 other ones besides the one we are in), stopped paying her car payments on 2 cars and they are looking to arrest her for theft, and rented a car and never returned it. She began using crack shortly after we moved in and told my DH she was trying to get rid of the new boyfriend and quit using. She has disappeared.

When we moved in we had a ton of work to do here b/c the house had mysteriously flooded right after we signed the agreement. I thought it was suspicious but had no proof. She told us her insurance company would pay for all the repairs and even offered to give the work to my DH so we could earn some money and get it done correctly. She hummed and hawed about the check and told us to take it off the first 2 months rent and she would get her check and just pay the mortgage company. We have heard through the grape vine she never paid the mortgage. Last October and November we had such a hard time reaching her that we asked to pay the mortgage company directly and she agreed. It was after that we were informed she had so many other issues and it is possible we could be thrown out w/o notice by the mortgage company if they decide to foreclose.

We are scared to death and can't live with that possibility looming over us. We are looking for another house and fast. We are sure we will have to leave this school district and it breaks my heart for the kids. We are in a neighborhood now and feel it is best to be in a more country setting for the kids to have room to move around. OK, scream w/o worrying about the neighbors thinking we are beating them is more accurate. (LOL) We were in the same house for 7 yrs and now we have moved twice in 2 yrs, this is not fun.

I will post more about the houses that we have come across later.

I am so proud of Patches, she has finally said she is mad at her parents. We all knew she was mad and she has screamed numerous times about her parents but she has never said they were wrong about anything. This whole theft thing has thrown her for a loop. Have I mentioned I love her AT? She is aggressive and pushes this child to places she is terrified to go. I am very proud of the hard work she has been doing in AT and at home.

Cyr's grades have dropped dramatically. I think she hid the report cards and their envelopes b/c I can't find them anywhere.

Emma, Ava, Michael, and Cyr have been bullyed on the bus by some bratty kid. I spoke to the bus driver and he is scared of the Dad so he doesn't report her. Not good.

We have recently had the pleasure of having to pee outside at my sisters and then at a house we were looking at. It was difficult to convince the kids to squat out of sight and go, not to mention the whole be careful not to go on yourself thing. That was this weekend and I guess they assumed it would be ok to try this anywhere now that they had the skills. So there is your background for what happened yesterday. We were leaving for OT and SPeech in a hurry as usual and my DH pulled up so I hopped out to explain dinner directions for maybe 2 or 3 minutes. In this time a couple of my kids ran out of the van to use the restroom and when I turned around I asked them to get back in so and go at OT. They revealed their plan to me......they were all getting out to pee in the yard! Somehow I forgot to explain over the weekend that we only do this in the woods. WHEW!!!! I am so glad I caught them before they dropped their britches in my front yard.

The Visit with Nanny and Poppa

I was warned by both the kids' aunt and their Poppa that he lived like Sanford and Son. They were exagerating a bit but it was like a treasure hunt for the kids. They started out beautifully dressed and well behaved and ended covered in black dirt (something we do not see much of here in red clay country so I thought it was poop!). The kids were obnoxious and difficult to keep up with. At one point I didn't hear them so I went out back and they had climbed in some random car. Their Nanny refused to tell them "No" about anything and I found myself being irritated.

While we were there it was discovered that the kids' parents had broken into their Great Poppa's house on the back of the property (again) and stolen his entire social security check. Their Poppa was more than a bit angry b/c he had suspected them but everyone knew it when the aunt admitted she had spoken to them earlier and they had told her they won the lottery and it was, you guessed it, the same amount they were missing. The last time money went missing it was the night before they went on their first vacation ever to the beach. It amazes me how stupid they are being. Anyway, their Poppa asked ME for advice. I just told him I would have called the police the last few times and I would definitely do it this time. If anyone else had broken in he would call the police, it is worse behavior b/c they are family and he is a very old man with nothing to begin with. I got a call last night from their aunt and he really did call the police. I am so proud he is standing up for himself. I am concerned about something their Mother said, she claims her mother did it b/c she is the only one with a key to his locked box. I wouldn't be surprised if they both did it. How sad is that?

After we left, the kids were awesome, filthy but awesome. We headed to my sister's new house WAY out in the country. They had a bonfire and fed us sandwiches. We took a flashlight and went in 2 abandoned houses on either side of her property. It looks like people just up and moved out, everything in it's place for 15 or so years. It was more than creepy. In the back of her property she has a very small coffin. When they bought the house they found it and called the police. It had a bag of rotten flesh in it but all the cops took was the bag. It looked like someone bagged a baby and just threw it out there. Weird to say the least.

Patches had a very good session in AT this week. Michael is driving me insane with his throwing things and crying (remember crying is progress for him). Ava is attached to me at all times (ok, except when she sneaks off and I have to go find her). Emma has a friend spend the night. Cyr is spending too much time with her Dad and told the AT I am never any fun. Ruthie is acting like a baby today. Ella is off pull ups again and hoping this will be the last time she needs them.

Today is Ella and Ava's 6th birthday. They have requested doughnuts for breakfast and one wants steak for dinner while the other wants cake for dinner. I think I can handle those requests.

We have an issue with our house that I will post about later. Keep your fingers crossed things go well.