Sunday, January 13, 2008

Too Many Good Days

I knew coming into this that I would never be appreciated, treated with the respect they automatically have for their first family, and I knew of the possibility of never being loved. I am screamed at every day, if not every hour, by one of my traumatized children. I can take, "Your not my Mother", "I hate you", and my favorite is "Your a F&^%$# B$%&*" most days, today is not one of those days. I went off of Patches a few minutes ago and I do not regret it, yet. What is it I have done to her that make her so angry at me? Nothing I could have done deserves this level of nasty treatment. I am not sure what is sending me over the edge today but I am there. I am tired of being held hostage by my kids and I am not sure what or how but I am going to dazzle the socks off of them in hopes to shake things up in a new way around here. You just hide and watch.


skirbo said...

I'd mail you some chocolate if I wasn't hoarding it all for myself.

You'll get through this. You always do, and you are an amazing parent! Just remember, they feel safe enough with you to act like this, work their rage out and know that you'll love them anyway-you are safe. As much as I know you'd probably like to curse them to all the nine levels of hell right now, you know that you are winning, and they are healing.

Of course, you sadistically reprogram by locking them in a room with 14 hours of Barney, non-stop.

I'm kidding. I wouldn't even put B's birthparents through that. A quick, painless death is more humane.

Still kidding. But sometimes I scare myself. lol


Mammy said...

Sorry you're having such a tough time. I'm not real quick with any useful advice, but Ben & Jerry's springs to mind. So does Kaluha, but that's a whole nother story. Lol

Mongoose said...

Well, I would have to say, it's not about what you "deserve" or don't deserve. The nasty treatment, that is. You're just a convenient target for how they need / want / decide to behave.

All this behaviour is a lot like Him. I remember him standing in the living room screaming at me "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" Just over and over for who knows how long, and I'd open the front door and say "then get out" and usually that's where he'd stop and start sucking up to me. Of course you can't do that with kids because, well, obviously not. But rest assured that He did and does love me, in the weird way that he understands "love", and by analogy I suspect that all your kids DO love you; it's just that this is the way they've been conditioned to behave when they love someone. In my opinion.

Cold comfort, I know.

Mongoose said...

I don't know if you read Sharon's blog but I thought this post would be interesting to you. It really spoke to me.