Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Dreams or Should I Say Nightmares

I have mentioned before I have sleeping issues. They have been tremendously better since I began medication but last night was horrible for a different reason. I have been sleeping in the guest room and seriously dreading moving back upstairs b/c this bed is so much better than mine. I have begged my DH to move it up there or him come down but it is only a double and we need a king b/c the man is 6'5" and refuses to sleep with his legs resting on the floor. Can't say I blame him. The initial reason I moved down there was b/c I was sick, still am hacking lovely chunks and he refuses to listen to it all night. At first, I was more than a little upset that I had to move since there is no TV down here. Now I couldn't care less but I will move on to my story.

I woke repeatedly and would go back to sleep into the same dream. Had that happen? No matter how hard you try to tell yourself you are in a dream, even wake up and go back to sleep only to pick up where you left off? Not fun. If I were winning the lottery or shopping with out a limit that might be OK.

A bit of background for those of you that didn't read this from the beginning ( I forgive you). My DH and I have known each other for many years before we began dating. If you call having sex one night, moving in together the next, and getting married a few months after that dating. What can I say, we knew it was right or maybe it was just really good. Not sure but it seems to be working after 13 years. (Sorry if that was too much information for some of you.) Needless to say we each dated people the other knew. To be more clear, we both dated nearly every friend the other had at some point. The guy I dated right before my DH was his best friend's brother, D, and his best friend was married to my best friend. Did you follow that? I dated D for a couple of years but he had some serious issues surrounding his childhood sexual abuse and his mother's suicide. I was more of his therapist (yes, w/o a license and he got what he paid for). I knew he cared deeply for me even though he couldn't say it and that it would never be a marriage. We remained good friends for several months and I suddenly began "dating" my DH. I must also mention that D worked for my DH at the time and he didn't know how to address it and did a terrible job to say the least. He down played our relationship saying we were just "having fun" and "it isn't serious". This came back to bite him in the booty. Shortly after we moved in together I became pregnant. The very night I found out I was pregnant D called. He poured his heart out to me telling me for the first time he loved me and needed me in his life. I was "the one". I had saved him and helped him realize things weren't his fault and he couldn't live without me. I had to tell him I was pregnant and I loved my now DH. It was too late. After that he quite working for my DH and disappeared. He has had sporadic contact with his family but none with us. He has recently reappeared and he is quite the hot mess. He has serious a drug and alcohol addiction, he has never again dated, has tried to commit suicide numerous times, has been hospitalized for both his addiction and emotional issues, and he looks like the walking dead. I understand this is not my fault, I feel terribly for him but I know it has nothing to do with me.

That said, I dreamt over and over he rejected me at some sort of a dinner party. It was a big shindig and I was celebrating some big event for myself. All my friends and family were there. Several of you here were dressed beautifully and were amazingly thin, think movie starish. (Lisa, Mongoose, Jen, Corey, Lorie.) We were a couple and he sort of announced he was in love with my sister, Kiki. She didn't seem to notice but all I remember was how huge her boobs had become and they were overflowing in her gown. Her hair was thick and very long, she had to brush it out of her face several times. I kept feeling like she was a better person for him but she didn't seem to know they were now a couple. I tried not to beg him to wait until after so we could talk but he just started telling anyone that would listen that he was dumping me. I was crushed. I would wake up and go right back to that party. My DH was there and all I remember was how handsome and funny he was. He has a laugh that draws you to him and b/c he towers over people you can always hear him. He was trying to get me to get drunk (that seemed familiar, maybe that was how he managed to get me to "date" him many years ago). I was only interested is D and how hurt I was.

I woke up this morning still feeling hurt. My DH was glad he wasn't the villain in this dream b/c he usually pays for it IRL when he pisses me off in my dreams. Not fair? Too bad.

Monday, September 29, 2008

MIssing for about 30 Minutes

Patches is on the track team at school. She stays after on Mondays and wears her special uniform to let everyone know she is on the team. I went to the school early to pick up Michael and Ella b/c both insisted they couldn't be dropped off here b/c I locked them out. I did not. The poor driver took these innocent abandoned children back to the school and that is why I went there early hoping to check her out in action. One problem, she wasn't there. They had no idea where she was or why she wasn't at practice. After some frantic behavior on my part it was determined she went on to the program today instead of staying behind for practice.

This child is going to give me heart failure.

UPDATED: She will be returning here tonight and play it day by day. I feel it would be too hard for her to be in a locked ward w/o me. The only person on the team that agreed with me was the doctor. He feels I have a great handle on things and we have a plan in place if I need assistance. He wants to know if I will teach his other parents to get a grip, LOL. He is upping her dose of Risperdal and she will take it all in the late afternoon to see if it will help her stay awake. She was chipper and talkative in family therapy. She admitted she is very scared but she feels I will protect her against anything bad. AAWWW!! Makes it all worth it.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Help if You Can

I received several emails since last night, one was particularly moving. They all suggested I add a link for people to donate funds through PayPal for me to purchase the curriculum and class to teach Love and Logic. (It is quite obvious on the top left side of the page.) I hate to ask for anything. It about kills me to ask for help, I always think I can do it on my own, somehow. This isn't something I can do and I have exhausted all the resources I can think of so I am taking their advice and coming to you all. Please do not feel obligated, I know money is tight for every one.

This is important for our future, I must find a way to earn money but I can't take a regular job with all my kids needs. This I can do a couple of evenings a week and on Saturdays. I have already lined up several organizations willing to let me use their facilities and promote my class. This is something I have done in the past but not with the Love and Logic Curriculum. It is something I am good at and enjoy. I have always taught the classes for free. Using Love and Logic will allow me to charge people and help them parent in a more effective way. The only thing standing in my way is the money.

I have seen other bloggers ask for help and have no idea if it worked for them or not. I am hoping at least someone finds it in their heart and pocketbook to help me in the slightest way. I am also offering my first born to the highest donator. (I can't have children so it's not really an option, don't worry I am not selling or giving away a child.) I promise I will not use it to purchase drugs or a yacht.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Long Overdue

A lot has happened and most I won't be able to blog about but I will update some things.

I am still sick! I am so tired of being sick I want to scream, in fact, I have tried but since my voice is so soft, no one cared. I know I should take care of myself and all that but I have too much going on to slow down. It is getting better but it is taking forever.

Patches is having a really hard time. Now that we know and have asked her to tell us when she hears it, she is in full panic mode. We remain calm and comforting but she thinks people are trying to take her. I am not sure if I blogged about having to call the police a few weeks ago b/c some guy was in our woods watching the kids but she told the AT today, she doesn't think he was really there. She is admitting to more and more instances that she questions were real or not. She is having a very hard time determining what is real. So far the voice is a child's voice. It's not in her head, it sounds like they are next to her. She is also hearing people outside her window rustling around trying to get to her. When we show her no one is there she still can't believe it. She becomes extremely agitated.

After speaking to her birth family about other family members hearing or seeing things they fessed up they have several people that hear and see ghosts. Now, I am open to that idea but in this case I believe their family members were full blown loons and not sensitive. They spoke to themselves and were never able to keep a job, they also refused to seek medical attention claiming God was talking to them.

We had a great session today with the AT and we helped Patches feel a little more in control. I am to contact her P doctor Monday and insist he reconsider her meds. Risperdal should be helping with the voices but it isn't. We were instructed to take her to the ER if she heard anything negative or became upset enough that we can't calm her. She was so afraid the AT wouldn't believe her and her demeanor changed completely when it was discussed. The AT is very worried. She feels it is stress induced due tot the recent trial.

Ruthie has been sitting in a pile of dirty clothes in my laundry room for several hours. I am so glad she isn't attacking me that I decided to pretend she is outside having a great time.

Cyr has been very nurturing towards Patches and become protective. I told her last night about how great it is to see her smile and laugh. She tooted so loud last night right next to her Dad that he had to leave the area. She laughed until there were tears. Most parents would be disgusted, I am filled with joy.

We are all enjoying the break from Ava and miss her sometimes.

Ella took a nap with me today and made sure to turn over each time she had to cough so I could feel it on my face. She is so lucky she is cute.

The AT's had offered to pay for my stuff to teach Love and Logic, now they are back peddling a bit and want to wait. They are closing on a new building at the end of the month and things are really hectic for them. It sucks for me b/c money is extremely tight and I need to bring in income. I hate it when people snivel about being broke b/c aren't we all? Our issue is that my DH works really hard but only gets paid occasionally b/c he is self employed. I have worked really hard to find numerous facilities that want me to teach it, I just have to have the curriculum to get started.

I signed up for Wish Upon a Hero hoping someone would help but so far they suggested grants that I do not qualify for and some scam. How much do you think I could get for a beautiful blonde 9 yr old that only attacks her Mom and herself? I am thinking $730 is a bargain. Any takers? LOL We have already sold all my DH's extra tools and anything we can to survive the last few months but now I am thinking of putting him on a street corner somewhere to see if he can earn a bit of cash there. He has lost about 70# and is looking hot.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Patches is hearing voices. I dismissed it many times as her joking or playing, even trying to scare the other kids. She was not. She has also seen things that were not really there. I am not sure what to do with this new information other than be strong or her. I was filling out a form today to admit her into this program and when I asked her some of the silly questions like the ones above she became very matter of fact and then irritated when I joked it off. She stood up and insisted she had told me many times. I thought for a moment, she was right. OMG, what does this mean for her? When I told my DH he paused and admitted she had told him the same things. I took a minute later on to look up all the symptoms and she has them. Usually it doesn't come on though until their early twenties. Please let this all be a big mistake......

We had our first Family Therapy session today with at the Center. They asked me what to do with the kids. They feel I am more qualified to do their jobs than many of their staff. I left without confidence in my children receiving anything more than a few new movies under their belt and some free time for me.

I have been falling down on my job here but I am still very sick and only enough energy to make sure no one kills anyone. I promise to get back to blogging as soon as I can.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

A Misunderstanding

Ruthie has been excused form the outpatient program. I am not entirely surprised but I did warn them. She is not emotionally or physically close to her age and does not fit in at all. They want to put her in the 6 yr old group and I agree with that decision. Since Ava is already in there they have to let Ruthie off for the next 6-8 weeks. Patches will be attending instead.

Ruthie had AT today and actually spoke about her feelings before we could even get started. This group she had been attending asked her what makes her sad. She cried but refused to share. Poor child thought she wasn't supposed to tell them anything b/c I had told her not to share with her teachers or friends. The called themselves her friends so she refused to tell them. I am so proud that she finally chose to have boundaries. This is a first. I am sad she didn't understand she was in therapy and it was OK but she will next time.

Ruthie is trying to work on defusing before she disassociates. The AT asked her to come up with a que that I can give her to remind her to calm down. She asked me to do a dance I am famous for. OK, maybe not famous outside our home but around here they love it. She told the AT it made her laugh so she knows it will work. She insisted I do it in front of him. He had a difficult time holding himself together. He agreed it should help.

A Bit More

Rosa is in her twenties and we will not be raising her children. LOL Nothing will actually change from the way it is now other than we will be able to legally claim her. That means so much to us. She lived her childhood out in foster care and she feels like she is our family but legally she is not. This has been a very sore spot for her and her soon to be ex has always down played our part as her family. I think at times made her question her own sense of belonging to us.

She has no contact with her birth parents and sees them for who they are. She has tried to warn her siblings about them b/c they were so little. She is very much like Cyr. She even gets chills recognizing it herself when she sees Cyr and my DH together. They both have a very flat affect and find very little joy in life. She is a fighter like no other. I think her influence on Cyr may be just what helps Cyr. This is not her role but I think it will be something that comes out of her being back in our lives. She is a thoughtful and helpful person, she will do all she can to wake up the person in Cyr.

Yes, I am a Nana. I have been for 6 yrs. Her children are (hope you don't mind my sharing their names, Rosa) Alyssa is 6, Eddie is 5, and Gia 2.

I think I have covered all your questions, any more?
I have an evil streak and enjoyed watching you squirm. Sorry. I have explained before that we fostered teens on and off for many years and you have seen first hand that they tend to come and go. A few have really been special and took our hearts with them when they stepped in and out of our lives. They have always been our children just w/o the legal paperwork. Our intention was to adopt Rosa when she turned 18. That wish has had to be postponed a couple of times until now. We will be moving forward with her adoption and we couldn't be happier. What's even more exciting is the 3 little ones she brings with her. All we are doing is what legalizing what we already feel.

The kids are excited. Cyr recently asked my DH for an older sister and now she will have one. Their only reaction to it was to ask if she will get Dad's truck. That was their reaction when we explained their adoption, they get our stuff when we die and my van was not wanted like Dad's big truck.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

A Hint?

It's not a fur baby b/c I can't stand another animal in the house.

It's not a son, I am beginning to think we will never have another boy.

Cyr will no longer be the oldest.

We have been working on this for a very long time but things kept interrupting it.

This one will be very different than our other adoptions.

Any one that knows us IRL will know immediately and will be thrilled.

Now I am going back to bed until the kids come home. I will update by morning.......

Monday, September 15, 2008

Number 8

I can't believe I am typing this, I am sick AGAIN. Last one was a stomach virus and this is all in my chest and throat. I am not having fun.

I have started a post about the admission on Friday and our company on Sunday but can't finish. I thought I would also get your juices flowing for a day or so about our 8th child. We have identified and will soon finalize on another adoption.

I am off to bed......

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Down to 5

Two nights of being near death with a fever and I think I am done. Let's hope so at least. It makes me sad that I know of 2 of my kids that had this and they barely made a sound about it. We all know it is b/c they were really sick but I didn't know. Same kind of thing happened today at the psychiatrist's office. He asked if Ruthie had bad dreams and she looked at me and said she did. He asked if she told her mom and dad about it and she said she didn't. I know they had to have bad dreams but they NEVER mention it.

I missed Ava's conference today. I feel so terrible abut it. I have been told by several people that it is no big deal b/c I have so many kids. That is the farthest thing from the reality. Yes, I agree that I have a lot of kids but that means I must do better than the average parent. Poor Ava gets the short end of quite a lot lately. She is always on my last nerve, every one's for that matter. I struggle to find nice things to say to her b/c I really want to wrap my hands around her mouth to shut her up for 3 seconds. Anyway, I am scum. I did call and beg her teacher to forgive me and allow me to make it up to her. I am showing up in the AM with something yummy to win her over.

Huge news!!!!!! Ruthie and Ava will be admitted tomorrow to that outpatient program for 8 weeks. I am not sure if I misunderstood or he misspoke but it only lasts 6-8 weeks not 6-24 months. I told him that I am concerned that they will appear perfect there and he promised they were experienced in this issue. I consulted my ATs and they have heard mixed things about the program and told me to consider it Respite. I loved that idea and decided to jump right in. They begin tomorrow!!!!!!!! I will only see them on the weekends and for about 15 minutes on each week night. They will pick them up from school and bring them home at bed time. They have a very structured time during those hours and do therapeutic activities between homework and dinner. I am so gonna love the time off. Michael, Patches, and Cyr will be next.

Update on Rosa. She is doing great! I am sure she doesn't always feel confident but she definitely sounds like a confident parent when she repeats my words to the strangers trying to help. LOL She has scheduled her son to have an evaluation in the middle of the week. It is hard being a single parent to a traumatized child but she is learning quick what not to do. I have high hopes for her and her kids. I am still keeping my fingers crossed that she chooses to move near us so I can help her more in person. One funny thing that I think she finally realized today is that she can not take her son in public. He kicks and screams and refuses to get in his seat causing a scene that embarrasses her beyond belief. I remember those times too well. At least her kid is still dressed when she leaves a store.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Why is it my kids insist on only sharing their illnesses with me? You guessed it, I am sick as a dog. Thought it was weird I wasn't hungry yesterday but about 8 PM it went down hill fast. Ran a fever all night and even did that groaning thing that wakes you up every hour. Now I am heading back to bed for another nap before they come home.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

New Psychiatrist

We met our new psychiatrist today when I took Patches and Michael in. I think I like him, I know I like him better than the last one. He asked lots of questions and listened very well. He was very supportive and agreed with my ideas for their meds. He suggested something that really threw me for a loop. An out patient treatment program. He is involved with a really good one right in our area that he thinks will be fantastic for the kids. It is every day after school and usually lasts 6-24 months. He feels we should begin with Cyr, Ava, and Ruthie since they are the squeekiest wheels. I am not sure what we will do but I agreed to have the assessment done on each of them and see what happens. I also left a message for our ATs to check into this for me.

I have to go back and see this guy for Ava and Ruthie on Thursday.

Sunday, September 07, 2008


What restraints do you find the you use the most?

I was trained years ago and I am sure there are more effective and safer methods of holding my children. I really only regularly have to hold Michael and Ruthie. I only hold them when they are attacking me, another person, themselves, or are destroying (expensive) property. The issue I am having is that I am getting hurt lately. If I hold them flat on the floor with me at their shoulders and their arms at their side, they kick me in the back and pinch me to the point of bleeding on the hands or side. I occasionally do a basket hold but they are able to squirm out of my arms by almost dislocating their shoulders. I have come up with one on my own that is me on my knees over their rear end with their hands in a position you see officers do. I am not putting any pressure on their rear ends and it works fabulously until my legs fall asleep after about 20 minutes or someone sees me and thinks I am crushing my child. It seems the best for both of us except my poor legs.

I got hurt again today. My neck this time and I can't turn it to the left. Thank you Ruthie. Cyr did enjoy video taping it today and we will be sharing it with Ruthie tonight. She will be quite surprised and ashamed at how awful she treats me. I would be happy to put it online here but her camera is awful and you can't make anything out due to the dark. I can tell you all you are missing is a bunch of "I hate you." "You are the meanest mom" I want to go live with my real parents" You are so fat" "You are not popular" "I'm telling so and so that you hurt me" "I will kill you" and "You are hurting me" over and over.

I have tried to look online for training but can't seem to find any. I can't live with these children without holding them, we would be making many trips to the hospital each week. I can't wait to try Risperdal with Ruthie, I think it will help her tremendously.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Some funny things

Cyr took about an hour and 20 minutes to skip 3 steps in therapy during a game of Simon Says.

Emma's class was talking about a book they had just read with a child in it that behaved very badly. One child said, "He had issues." That prompted Emma to announce, "I know all about issues, my brother has them every day."

Emma's teacher told me that Emma reminds her of a fairy. She kinda dances when she goes around the room and she is so good with her "more difficult" children that she has her at a table with them. She loves to help and run errands, too. It has become obvious she is a teacher's pet.

Ruthie was looking forward to sitting in the Principal's office during recess and the girl is now her best friend.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Her Consequence

I may not get to the computer tomorrow and I wanted to post a bit before I climbed in bed before dark b/c I only got 3 hours of sleep last night.

The AT was very surprised at Ruthie's determination to hold a grudge against her friend. He is very concerned about her recent choices. Aren't we all? He thought it was a good idea to report it to the Principal after therapy.

I was so shocked at the response I got from the Principal that I know my mouth sat open for a long minute. He got it. I mean really understood my concerns and chewed her butt. She has lost 3 days of recess and will sit in his office to write an apology and sentences about lying. She was so scared that I almost laughed out loud. The child is defensive, manipulative, angry, and sometimes sad but scared of an adult giving her a consequence is new. I wish I could have taken a picture.

After she left he held me back to ask some further questions. They were concerned, in a nice way, that I needed them to be harder on my kids. I explained things for the millionth time and he agreed with me. They will not be harder on my children but will no longer give them ANY second chances. I hope they are able to communicate that to all the teachers and work it out b/c it is all I have asked for all along.

Love & Logic Parent Instructor

I have been thinking of flying to Denver and taking the course on becoming a L & L Parent Instructor. I mentioned it to one of our ATs and she said she would love to sponsor it and even let me give classes in their office. She also offered to encourage their clients to participate. Exciting? Both the ATs agreed they felt I would be very good at this. I could really use the income and I would love to do it. I think it might be a really great fit for our lives.

Anybody near Denver want to meet for lunch in a couple of months?

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

The Dear in the Headlight Look

Ruthie admitted the girl wasn't playing with her anymore so she tried to get her in trouble. Pretty scary since she has threatened to do this to me many times. (Remind me not to make her angry anymore.) She will be going to AT in the morning so we will go with his suggestions but I plan on having a chat with the Principal tomorrow. Please keep your fingers crossed that they get it. He did mention several times that there may be miscommunication (her playing stupid) due to her intellectual disability.

At least she did tell the truth when I confronted her. It took 15 minutes for her to wipe off the pitiful look and get real. She is really good at acting like she has no idea what is going on.

Wanna Run Away?

Let's all move to Thailand. Crime is low, medical attention is cheap, food is great, and the cost of living is amazingly affordable. This villa is about $588 a month and it includes utilities!


False Allegations

Have I mentioned Ruthie has been picked on at school lately? She comes home every day for about 2 weeks and complains that a little girl, N, is picking on her. It has gotten worse and worse and no matter what we suggest it continues. Last Friday, she came home terrified this child had told her she knew where she lived and was going to come here and beat her up. I comforted her all weekend, reassured her the child couldn't get here and that we would protect her.

I wrote a note asking the teacher to look into it. I knew better than to attack the other child and to leave room for the idea that my child had taken part in the drama. I get a call from the Principal and was informed the true story. Unfortunately, it makes sense and my child has manipulated and lied. She told the man that she had never been threatened and she wasn't scared. Here's what I was told by the Principal and (Ruthie).

Ruthie and N were friends last year and have continued to play on the playground together this year. (N was mean to her last year, too.) Many of the kids play Tag and chase each other around trying to tag another child, making them It. (N chases her and calls her names on the playground.) Ruthie was tagged by N some time ago and N laughed that she was It. (N calls her names and makes fun of her.) This made Ruthie mad and she refused to play claiming N was rude to her. (She frequently complains about her siblings, they aren't being fair or they are mean to her and quits when it is her turn to reciprocate.) This happened every time Ruthie was tagged and N started getting upset with her b/c she wasn't playing fair. (Ruthie wanted to get N in trouble so she lied about her. The story got bigger and bigger every day waiting for N to get in trouble.)

At least I knew better than to jump to her defense and make a huge fool of myself. It does make me terribly sad that I have more faith in any other child's story. I hope the school remembers this when she makes allegations about me.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

My Road Runners

Patches, Ruthie, and Emma have joined the Road Runners at their school. They have no idea how much work they will have to do. They have to practice twice a week and run 4 races this year. Right now they are distracted with the thought of being a part of something after school. Ruthie is a running machine, the girl can go on forever. I think she may be the only one that enjoys it. Emma doesn't like to sweat so I am not sure how she will like running for an hour a couple times a week. Patches doesn't get off her rear end, ever. She is going to show her rear to the Coach the first week. I am gonna send her meds to school to take an hour before school is out to help her cope.

I am so proud they are trying to expand their little worlds. I can't wait to cheer them on at the races.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Labor Day

He didn't even have his first Cub Scouts Meeting and he wants to quit. Too bad, it's called commitment, Little Dude.

We had a nice day after I yelled about the filth that follows them around. Everyone pitched in and got it done. All I have to do for the next couple of days is scrub floors and organize our spare bedroom. I am hoping to get to painting several rooms this month.

Ava was seriously bitten on the face. She insists on picking up Jace and she is so wild that he freaks out. We have warned her at least a hundred times. She won't listen so he taught her the lesson. Honestly, I would bite her, too, if she tried to hold me. She is way too rough and he is a sturdy dog.

I will post pictures of the "leash" my DH made for us. So far so good.