Friday, September 30, 2011


And that's all I'm going to say about that today.

I met our new Behavior Specialist that will be working with Ruthie and Patches. She was interesting and funny. I really liked her. The only issue I see is she has no experience or knowledge of RAD. None. She was willing to research a little over the weekend for us so that is a plus. I had been hopeful the team would have at least heard of it. Maybe next lifetime.

We had a great afternoon w Patches. Woo hoo!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I was expecting the worst but was pleasantly surprised when I was able to help Patches pull it together today. She really turned it around. I'm sure all of you are sitting on the edge of your seats wanting to know how this incredible feat was accomplished. I entered a conversation with Kiki about Patches recent behaviors. Since the only 2 things she cares about since her mad crush on her friend, Noah, this Summer, is her dog and Kiki. She was moved immediately when she heard her say she was mean and it hurt her feelings. She began to sob when she heard she was afraid of her when she yells at her Mommy. When she finally stopped crying, Kiki was long gone.

We talked frankly about our different opinions on why she is losing her crap daily. She was polite and open. She wouldn't accept any affection from me until much later. She never apologized but has made it clear the next 4.5 hours until bedtime that she was making up for the last 2 weeks. She didn't make one grunt about chores. She wrote sentences for screaming at me last night. It was the first time we tried that consequence. she has too many chores built up and she loves to write. I had hoped it would feel like a consequence but be manageable. I had her write "My Mom is great!". It worked well for both of us. She bathed and gave me the first sincere hug than she has given me in months. We should be good now for a couple months. LOL.

Cyr wrote about her appointment today. She has an MRI Monday and will have a round of steroids for 9 days. We go back in 2 weeks to retest her hearing and if nothing has changed, she will be fitted that day for the hearing aids. I was so relieved he was willing to double check for us. He didn't sound optimistic but said their could be a slight chance. Cyr wanted it to be over today. She'll be much happier if they were wrong the first visit in the long run. If he was right, she'll barely remember the inconvenience in a few years. At least I would hope so. LOL

Run and vote today!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I'm currently ignoring death threats being shouted from behind a closed bedroom door. I know she is trying to get taken to the hospital so she doesn't have to apologize to me for being very nasty right after school. She is running out of options other than to just apologize so she is pushing things. Because I know this, I don't want to waste the kids, hospital staff, police, or my time. I'm sure she will use this as another reason I am horrible. She will twist it into I didn't protect her when she was out of control.

Everything that comes out of that child's mouth is just twisted versions of the truth. Its old. That and the police know her number, she already admitted all of my other kids like living with this family and most love me dearly. The other 2 want to but are struggling due to RAD. She has also confessed to wanting to lie and say she is being abused by me so I'll go to jail. Not a smart move if you really have that intention, if you ask me. Well, what do I know? I'm just a stupid lady doing every thing she can to help a girl that she loves find some genuine happiness

Don't forget to vote!!!!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Help Me Find My People!

When I closed this blog last Fall, I didn't think I'd be reopening it. Apparently, no one else did either. I have lost nearly all of my readers. I figured in time it would pick back up and, to some extent, it has. I went from a readership of more than 1200 a day to 200. I'm not sure how to reach back out to them other than to ask you all that do blog, would you mention I'm back here? Got an idea that might help me find my people? I'm open to suggestions, too.

P.S. I almost forgot, please hit the pink button on the left and vote! I'm #7 and just a few votes behind #6 and #5. With your help, I could move up!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Cyr Has Something To Say

Run and see what it is over at

Dream Crusher

Kiki and I took Emma to the therapist's office today. She has always been a very anxious child and was dx'd with an anxiety disorder based on information given by both us and her teachers several years ago. It had begun to really interfere with her school and life. After a few years on meds, she asked if she could stop taking them. We believe it is her body and we need to listen to any of our children's concerns about that. She had some good points and we agreed.

She has done very well until this Summer. She slipped into a heavy depression and took her to see the pediatrician only to realize she wasn't ill, she was depressed. Once school started back, she asked to try them again. She is having a hard time coping with her anxiety. She becomes very stressed about tests, keeping up with her peers, letting her teachers down, her appearance, but the biggest thing is what her peers are doing. She becomes extremely agitated if she feels someone isn't doing things the right way, is breaking a rule, or the teacher is unaware of something. She drives herself insane with all of it.

We set her all up with the pdoc and a new therapist. She is excited and hopeful. She really needs to deal with the loss of her siblings from last Fall and now her mom has some chaos going on that doesn't feel stable to her. I'm sure this is just what she needed and she will begin to feel better soon.

Patches is home and really struggling. She has no idea how difficult it is to live with her when she is like this. The kids want to smack her and I can't blame them. She is mean to them and goes out of her way to make sure they know she doesn't like them. They are still polite and generous with her. I hope she pulls it back together before they turn on her. We keep talking about how her life is like a roller coaster and even though things are low now, they will be better again. I'm not sure anyone is buying what I'm selling though.

Michael is coming home. I think all the indecision is killing us. I insisted the RTC just move forward and make a plan. They agreed they can't do anymore for him and as long as we are willing to take him home, they will send him. Of course they made it clear, he is not healed or even doing better than he was before he came. We feel the sexual stuff is under control and every one is talking openly about feelings and concerns. That is vital to our success. We have the cameras in place and alarms still on so everyone feels safe and is safe.

I so rarely talk about the twins. They are so fantastic, I can't even begin to make you understand how lucky I am to be their Mom. They are both quite passive aggressive so we never see any anger or outward negative emotions unless they are pushed. Ella cracks me up. You can only tell how mad she is by how fast her ponytail swings as she is walking away. CP caused issues with her legs and she walks on her tippy toes. It's kinda hard for her to stomp but she gives it her best effort. When stomping off her ponytail swings ridiculously hard. I laugh out loud. Fortunately, my cackling usually makes her laugh, too.

Cyr is depressed. She is blah. She is weepy. She doesn't want to go to school and see her friends. She asked if she could stay home today but I told her she only gets 1 mental health day off school and she thought that was funny and dropped it. She is really upset about the hearing aids. I have a feeling, she will fight wearing them. We go Thursday to get her fitted. I told her kids are gonna be jealous. It's like braces and glasses, kids want them unless they have them. Maybe that only applies to elementary school kids but I'm holding onto that.

Kiki told me I was cancelling her dreams last night. I had no idea what she was talking about so I asked. She insisted I was cancelling her dreams. Still confused I just kinda looked at her. She said, "You are cancelling all my dreams of going to dance school!". There you have it folks, I am a dream killer. I have no idea what prompted this or how I did it but I crushed her lifelong dream.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I'm moving up!

Keep voting for me at Circle of Moms! The little link is on the left side of the blog.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Do It! Do It!

Have you been voting for me on the Circle of Moms Contest? Just click on the cute pink button on the left side of my blog every day for 11 more days. Puleeze!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Have you voted today? No? Please run over there now!

She Needs What???

I have had a very busy week. It began with what I thought would be a routine doctor visit with the ENT for Cyr. She had mentioned her ears were bothering her but not in an earache way. When it came up twice in a month, I set an appointment. Five of my children from that group rarely complain of illness or aches and pains. It varies between them but can be as extreme as my son has never admitted to being sick. No headaches or stomach aches. He has vomited but like his sisters, he covers it up with his pillow or hides it in the laundry. The RTC called last week to tell me he had strep. When I asked for details, they told me they had only tested him because so many in the unit had it. When they checked him out, he had a fever and a very nasty throat. They were amazed he hadn't mentioned it.

So when I heard something about Cyr's ears a second time, I took her in. They said he rears were clear and there was nothing visible that could be causing her any discomfort. They asked a few questions about dizziness and she admitted she felt it after she heard ringing sometimes. They did a hearing test and came back in the room with a brief comment about "significant loss in both ears". Having no idea what that meant, her and I bantered back and forth a bit about hearing aids and surgery to drain the ears.

After almost 30 minutes the doctor and nurse came back in to go over the results. He seemed a little nervous and the nurse wasn't making eye contact, at first. He mentioned "significant hearing loss in both ears". I asked what we needed to do, fully expecting him to suggest meds for fluid or further testing. The nurse walked behind him and got a brochure for me. He looked at me and said, "We need to see her in a week to have her fitted for hearing aids." Cyr and I both looked at each other and laughed. We had not expected that.

The next part of the brief conversation was me pressing for a number. I needed to hear the percentage of loss. I'm thinking 10-20% but he told me her good ear had lost 50% or more and the other ear was worse. I know our mouths were open. How did we miss this? She said she had been feeling an urge to look at people's lips when they spoke to her but it didn't occur to her that she couldn't hear them. She is fine at home but my hubby has severe hearing loss so the TV is loud and we are loud to help him avoid the same kind doctor appointment. She is a soft spoken child and so no one else noticed.

It has been quite a shock to her. She is strong and will be fine but she has been unusually emotional since. We have been talking about it and she is coping much better than I expected. The biggest let down is she won't be able to join the service. She had been banking on that to get away from her siblings. She is much less concerned with the aids themselves. In this process, my hubby has agreed to have his hearing tested and look into aids. It is a miracle, folks. A real life miracle. All it took was his little girl crying over a brochure and his need to fix kicked in. Before he new what he said, he offered to join her in this journey. We are going to make him honor that promise.

I mentioned Cyr was a little emotional. It popped up again on Friday night. Patches had been struggling for about 48 hours over an IEP meeting. She had been caught in a few not so true statements and she had made herself believe them. Our meeting shattered her reality and she focused on me. The police were called out Thursday night because she was making threats against me. She verbally attacked the wonderful officer but made no real threats she he couldn't do anything. She was awful at school on Friday and came home crappy. We catered to her a bit by separating the kids from her when she tattled.

At bed time she wanted to sleep in the little girls' room and was told no. That led to threats of killing herself. After some discussion trying to calm her, she began to hit me repeatedly. I had to hold her hands down. Once she began to kick me, Cyr grabbed her legs. Patches is becoming too strong for me when she is psychotic and her hands slipped out. She got a few swings in and Cyr lost it. She jumped up and into Patches face. I heard her scream like she has never done before. She told her to stop hurting her Mom. Quickly realizing she was out of control, she refused to hold her legs and yelled at me she was having her arrested. Cyr entered the area in the LR that the kids were sitting watching cartoons and terrified them by simply having emotions that strong.

The police showed up and my hubby and I had finally restrained her safely. He handcuffed her so I could get up. She admitted to attacking me. I had obvious scratches and bruises so he insisted on filing charges against her for battery. He took her in the back of his car to the hospital. I calmed the kids before I joined them there. Of course, I'm skipping so much of the details but you get the jest of it. She was 1013'd again. She will be home in a few days and we have started the process of admitting her to the same hospital my son is in.

Life, for my children, is exhausting. She is a fantastic kid. Most of the time, she really wants to fit in and feel a part of our family. Then these moments she fears she may be rejected or in trouble, she lashes out at us first. At 13, she is now involved with the juvenile system here. Therapy, medicine, and will alone haven't helped. Our last hope is that a big scary judge will help her take a moment to use the coping skills she knows so well but refuses to use when she needs them. Violent, aggressive, paranoid, and delusional. I fear for her future. She deserves to be happy and feel love. I will never give up trying to prove that to her.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Please Vote for Me!

See the little button on the left of the screen? The one that asks for you to vote for me. Just do it. You know you wanna. Then come back every day for the next 16 and do the same. I was nominated and I do not want to end up the only person with less than 5 votes. If you really want to help, you can post a link on your Facebook, too.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

If You Thought That Was Bad....

The last post caused some stirring in my family. They are upset I spoke about them "on a public forum". Honestly, I was being nice in that post. I'm sorry if they were so upset. I'm sure they will be really pissed when the book comes out since I'm not changing the names since they aren't innocent.

If they were so horrified, why did they tell all their friends to come look? I don't mind, every time they come here, I make $ off them.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Rocker and The Old Lady

My sister, Kiki, and I traveled down to see my Mom this weekend. She moved away a few months ago to St. Pete and we have been dying to see her new life. I swear it wasn't that I needed a break from real life and would go anywhere there weren't kids. OK, you caught me, it was both. Anyway, we planned it a couple of weeks ago and it fell through and ran off together for a very long drive down there this past weekend. The ride was uneventful other than to say, I do not like Monster green. That crap tastes like an extra sweet, almost thick, sour patch kid candy. The sour part kicks you in the teeth after you swallow. Please, just take my word for it.

I noticed something between my Mom and I right away. The Old Lady is recovering from breast implants. While some people may think it is ridiculous to fix those saggy bags at her age, she wanted to spice up her new life and that is exactly what she did! She looks amazing! This picture is my sister, Kiki, and Mom with their new boobs. I think they have both gone from an A to a D. I think they have been jealous of my G for years.

Exhausted, Kiki and I went to bed. It became very clear that Kiki had no intention of sharing the pillows. We giggled until 4:30 AM. What is it about old people? They need the house to be 80 degrees. We managed not to melt away but I was worried my alleged snoring might wake her. I brought her ear plugs. The next morning she assured me the snoring wasn't a problem but me sitting straight up screaming at her that I was snoring was. Yes, I sat up in my sleep and yelled that I was snoring. I'll try to work on that.

While my mother lives in a nice part of town, I was a little concerned when we found this homeless man on her porch enjoying himself like he lived there. LOL Actually, that is her man. I know he looks vicious but he is not. After spending time with him this weekend, both my sister and I were amazed at how fast he grows on you. He is deeply sensitive, funny, warm, welcoming, and is obviously VERY in love with my Mom. Let me be completely honest, anyone willing to take her, can have her.

They drove us all around their little town and he made sure we got to the sweet spot so we could witness this. He took us to the top of a restaurant and we waited. He promised we would love it. We did.

I want to take a minute and share their story with you. Not because it has anything to do with me or my life but because the story needs to be told. Many years ago, a young greaser kid stumbled upon a teenage girls' pajama party. Being a young strapping stud, he knocked on the door and met by a dozen giggling girls in lace baby doll nighties. He offered beer, they let him in. One of those girls was my mother.

They began to date and eventually ran away to be together. They hitchhiked across the country to meet his family. They had signed him up for the Army on his 17th birthday and he wasn't welcome to stay there. The teenagers decided to run off and get married. They did. They found a boarding house and jobs. They were happy. Soon they discovered they were pregnant with my sister, Julie. He couldn't have been more in love than he was with the two girls in his life.

The first few years were great. They were deeply in love. They were broke. My Mom was terribly homesick. He wanted her to see her family and saved for a ticket to send them there for the holidays. Once there, her family began to convince her that he wasn't stable and she would be happier if she stayed. Torn, she eventually agreed to stay with her sister. She begged him to move there and get a job. He got rid of everything they had and bought an old truck. He never imagined what was about to happen. Now that she was a mother, her need for stability would outweigh her love for him.

Things weren't as he had hoped once he arrived. My Mother had changed. Many of the women in my family have the knack of shutting someone out completely. My Mother, my sisters, and even me. It is a coping skill we use when things hurt. We shut off our emotions and cut the people off. My Mother was doing this to him because she thought it was the right thing to do for her child. He wasn't dangerous, he just wasn't welcome in her family and she felt she needed their support to raise her daughter. It was a decision she regretted all her life and still has tremendous guilt over. Eventually, she filed for divorce. Devastated, he left town. He never stopped loving them. He never stopped calling her his wife. He intentionally never remarried or had any other children. He had that already.

My Mother remarried and my sister was adopted by her new husband. Times were different. He wasn't encouraged to keep contact and was even run off by my Mother's family. Everyone worked hard to convince him that he wasn't good enough and she was better off without him. He respected her enough to think she must have known what she was doing.

When I hear this story, I see a boy that would have felt rejected from his first family, his wife, the world because he doesn't fit into their idea of what he should be, and now as he is reaching the end of his life and is reaching out hoping to fill in the hole he has carried for years, he is rejected by his only child. She wants nothing to do with him. Nothing. She is angry. She is using the coping skill handed down to the women in our family. She is missing out. The worst part is that they are so much alike. They could learn so much from each other. Even writing this, I'm crying for their loss. They missed so many years and now he has cancer. She is punishing him now for leaving her behind. The details about what happened don't matter to her.

My sister isn't someone that comes across as caring or supportive. She comes across as stubborn with a need to be right. She will argue with a wall to prove her point. She can't look past your faults and find something charming about you. She will search your soul until she finds what she knew was there all along. She isn't going to get in and get dirty, she is going to spend her time proving she was right. We are complete opposites. She may seem unemotional but she is really just protecting herself. I'm not saying she is awful, she is not. We are just very different and we struggle to see each others point of view. I think she is so scared of loss, she refuses to feel. I feel way too much. Neither is good. We do not have a relationship. She is my sister, I love her, but really she is just a woman I have known all my life. It is sad to me that my children do not know her or know that her daughter is their cousin. They can't remember her name or face. It breaks my heart. Now she is shutting out another person in her life. I wish it was just her loss but it's his, too. She has complete control over it and maybe that's what this is all about, control. I know she feels abandoned. She won't allow him in or give an inch. She will fight tooth and nail to prove he wasn't worthy any way.

Her daughter doesn't have a relationship with her father either. She was given an ultimatum, it may have not been a direct conversation but she has made her feel like it was him or her mom. Her daughter has chosen not to find him out of respect for her. It is very similar to how adult adoptees feel in closed adoptions. It's sad. On the other side of that is me. I parent children and force whatever healthy relationships with their first families that I can. I open our home and hearts to anyone willing to love my children. Some of the people in our lives are addicted to drugs or alcohol, they have mental illnesses, and some have spent time in prison. As long as they are safe, they are welcome. Call me crazy, but I look past those things and find reasons to like them. We may not agree on many things, but we find common ground. This is not a skill or an interest she has. Perhaps she views this as a weakness, who knows?

I am choosing to get to know him. I want my children to see how he treats my Mom. I need to see her happy for the first time in my life. I completely support their life together. He waits on her hand and foot. It is amazing to watch. In his love for her, he loves us. My sister doesn't get this. She can't fathom how he could love her daughters much less his own daughter because he doesn't know her as adult. She couldn't be more wrong. I'm not sure how to explain it to her. It is real, I could feel it. Maybe I get it because I love my childrens first mothers. I don't have to know all about them, I love them, no strings attached. To me love is a choice. I know this will be one the hardest things my sister ever does, I hope she chooses to look past his rough exterior and see the gentle man inside.

We learned things about my Mom this weekend. Some good and some we'd love to forget. We felt her connection to her first love that hasn't faded with time. We watched her go from our strong mother to a teenage girl when he walked in the room. We saw her sit back and be taken care of. It is nothing short of amazing that these 2 people could have fallen in love almost 50 years ago and reconnected after all these years, but that is exactly what has happened. I couldn't be happier for them. They deserve happiness during whatever time they have left.