Wearing Down

I am exhausted, all the darn cleaning so people can come over and trash the place in minutes. So much for being outside, it is going to rain and only during the scheduled party. How's that for timing?

Cyr agreed in therapy today that she is indeed monopolizing her Dad's time again but promised to take into consideration the other kids feelings. Who is this child? Patches went right in to therapy without a complaint. All the kids were well behaved and managed to leave without incident.

Ava has been a pain since. She is so lazy and so smart that she is able t find a million reasons not to help us prepare. Unless she has some major breakthrough by morning I am going to have to have her sit it out. It breaks my heart but I am not sure what else to do. She openly admits she shouldn't get to participate b/c she hasn't helped AT ALL. She watches, plays, hides, keeps others company, and tells others what to do but never actually does anything herself. The girl wears me down.

Spoke to the darn Detective after like 3 weeks. She is investigating the cousin that the parents recently violated and DFCS is involved. She is trying to get the mother to take the child in for a forensic interview but she is avoiding it. The Mother admits there was a kiss but I think she is afraid b/c she didn't report it she will lose the kids. If she doesn't step up now, she is going to be in real trouble.

The aunt that was adopted and violated by their father avoided her until they had to put her house under surveillance. She admitted on the phone that there were 2 incidents but now is denying everything. The Det. is trying to get the old police file on the kids' grandfather's case which would have all the statements about the incidents in it. Of course, it is missing. She is also trying to get DFCS file on it but b/c she was adopted, her case is sealed. They are trying to get a Supreme Court Order to open it b/c a regular search warrant or order won't do it. She feels it will happen but they may have lost it, too. Either way they will eventually be arrested. She has a "friend" that is a U.S. Marshal that have agreed to do the arresting and for whatever reason, she was very excited about this opportunity. She will be there b/c she said she wouldn't miss it for the world. I am frustrated it is taking so long but I know she is too. She has spies (family members) that are calling to update her on their whereabouts regularly so she is not concerned they will leave.

I am an idiot, I think it is this darn heat wave that has fried my brain. I keep a black book with all my appointments in it, I know most folks that run large households do something similar. I pride myself on always being on time to these professional appointments, I get too flustered if I am late so am known to arrive sometimes 30 minutes early. Last night I didn't sleep well, I was tossing and turning and just got up when Ruthie had to get ready for school at 6AM. Thrilled that my DH was staying in this morning I ran to Walmart to buy a new carpet cleaner (can't let folks see this nasty carpet on Saturday). As I am pulling in the parking lot chatting away with my sister the other line rings in. I immediately knew the huge mistake I had made, it was my MIL, she was calling to see about Emma and Michael's adventure we had planned at her home. She was meeting me at the AT's office, "OMG! I forgot to go to therapy!" I hung up on my sister and called the AT to rearrange the appointment. He didn't answer b/c he was late. I ran home and snatched up the kids and was only 30 minutes late. Wheeww! He just got the biggest kick out of it b/c he is 10 to 30 minutes late every week b/c he has to deal with horrible traffic after he gets his son on the bus.

Back to the carpet cleaner, LOVE it! well, except for the fact I didn't understand the handle had to be down or when you pour it out it will splash all over your FACE! That is a mistake I will only make once.

The AT noticed things have settled back down here, except Ruthie threatened to kill me yesterday and we are going to figure out why this child FREAKS out if another child gets in trouble. PTSD is about all I can think of at this point, it is so sad that she gets to the point of threatening my life b/c Ava broke another child's toy intentionally. Ava took her consequence gracefully and couldn't figure out why Ruthie was so much more upset than her. It didn't last all night like it has in the past. She just loses all control and attacks me or herself physically.

The AT is impressed with the way I have things each child is working on and our plans to help them with each thing. He laughed at me today after he asked what we would be doing in therapy and I rattled off each child's current issue and status. I always ask for input but he just shakes his head and tells me to keep up what I am doing. Don't get me wrong, he is helping us, he is like a sounding board and gives suggestions if my ways aren't working, it's just I know my kids and I try something until it is time to try something else. He helps me figure out WHY something is happening. He says I have fantastic instincts about what will work and why. He loves that I know what we should be working on with each child and what the next step should be. He gives me confidence in my ability to parent my crazy kids on days I am not so sure we will ever climb out of this hole.

I am not sure I posted about Ella pooping herself the other night. Ok, that may just be the understatement of the year. The child crapped her pants, her sleeping bag, smeared it all over herself, the counter, the toilet, the floor, and the wall in the process of taking off the underwear. Makes me sad that after 2 yrs she still can't ask for help when she needs it but will terrorize me over a boo boo no one can find on her finger. This goes for the entire sibling group. I worry they view Emma as getting too much attention b/c she does ask for it when she is scared or sick. They don't. I did explain to Ella that if she could learn to come to me at night that she could sleep in her sleeping bag by my side of the bed until Dad leaves and then she can climb right up. Maybe it will help if she knows she will get something she wants.

*Ella just wrote me a card that said, "Mom I love you I am pretty becoz you" She explained that I am helping her be a prettier person and she wasn't talking about her face. We are working really hard on helping her stand up for herself and saying what she thinks or feels. She usually gets all shy looking or gets this deer in the headlight look if you require a response about ANYTHING. We just spent the last 20 minutes practicing how to tell me that I was incorrect about something. Huge step for my little constant victim.

Open Invitation

So many of you wish you could come to the party or for me to throw yours. LOL I about fell out at that one. If you are close to GA, please email me I would love to have anyone that reads here join us.

Bad Mommy

We took the kids swimming yesterday and had a ball. I have 4 that are instantly tan and 3 that burn within minutes. How is that possible? I put sunscreen on Ava and Michael about every hour and so thick it was still white so they had to wait about 10 minutes for it to soak in before getting wet again. Fried! Ava is much worse than my son and I feel terrible. I used a great product and even splurged and got the spray stuff that I love. Poor things were miserable all night and today.

I periodically check my oldest's email b/c I don't trust her. She was aware this was my rule when I opened it for her. I noticed she changed her password a couple of weeks ago and kept forgetting to ask for it. I asked her last night and her eyes got so wide I thought they would pop out of her pretty little head. I waited patiently to check it b/c I wanted to see her squirm and that she did. LOL

I peeked in it this morning and looked at all her sent messages. She had no idea she could erase them and I am thinking I will keep this little tidbit to myself. I saw only one girl using poor language and she seemed a bit angry, calling another girl and f n b while making fun of her. I noticed my dd was talking about a party we were considering letting her go to after her birthday party on Saturday. The Mother is super nice and asked if she could go with her son to her dd's pool party. She promised to keep a close eye on them and we shared the same concerns about their friendship. They are 11 and 12 and WAY too young to be "going together" and they had broken up a few weeks ago but seemed to remain friends. I was a little more comfortable than my DH and the AT since the Mother and I talked. Now that I have read her email we canceled the pool party, she was planning to KISS him. I don't think it would have played out but she PLANNED it.

I know this is normal stuff and kids do start experimenting but it just means I still can't trust her out of my sight. I really want her to have a social life. I would love for her to have friends and sleepovers (girls, of course) but I can't. I think this is harder on me than it is her. I don't want to tell her friend's parents, "Hey, watch my kid extra close with your dd/son b/c she has a habit of putting the moves on kids and can't be trusted out of your sight."

On the bright side, at least this kid is not a relative and age appropriate even though he is the size of a Kindergartner. That is progress, right?

Our party is in full planning mode. No one is coming but we are gonna have a ball anyway. I think only 5 kids R.S.V.P.'d out of 120 invitations. I am not kidding. I let them give them out to every kid in their class, every teacher they knew, everyone on the bus, and now I am sending more out to Ruthie's summer school class. I hope we are pleasantly surprised on Saturday.

I rented a huge Moonwalk and Slide, we get to keep them all weekend. We will have hamburgers and hot dogs, chips, pickles, and tons of soda. We are having a tug of war, sack race, and a couple of other games they loved from Field Day. I spent over a $100 on their goody bags and only bought stuff I liked so I wouldn't be upset if we had lots of it left. You know like, disappearing ink, paddle games, bottle caps, pop rocks, noise putty, bloody gumball eyes (they have a cherry goo in the middle), and bouncing balls to name a few.

I have to clean our carpet, find the dog a home, get an estimate for repainting the house, go shopping, and catch up on laundry in the next few days. No problem. LOL

Ava Really Wanted Money

She has had a loose tooth for about a week. I have tried to feel it myself and couldn't so it must not have been very loose. She came down a few minutes ago and with it in her hand. Patches wiggled it and then tied a string around it. Ava made sure I called the Tooth Fairy and left it by the coffee maker.

While typing this, I heard hollering from upstairs. I ran to see what was going on and I see Michael, Ella, and Emma sitting on the bathroom counter with Patches standing in front of Michael. She has a little business going, she is trying to pull their teeth out for a percentage of what they will get from the Tooth Fairy. Sometimes they are so smart about stupid things. These kids don't even have loose teeth!

Money

My kids seem focused on earning money in the last 2 days. Cyr has gotten up and gone to work with Dad. Emma, Ruthie, and Ella have volunteered to clean entire rooms only asking for $.50 each for the gumball machines at Kroger. I am really getting my money's worth out of them.

Just now I saw Michael laying on the living room floor with Ava pounding on his back, she called it a massage. I asked her why she was doing this and she practically squealed she was getting money for it. I asked how and Michael turned over to find out b/c he was surprised by her response. She kinda stumbled not having thought this plan through. Michael told her he didn't have any money and she replied, "You can just give me the money when you lose a tooth." He seemed ok with that and rolled back over for her to continue. I guess a deal has been struck and she is now taking his intact teeth as collateral. They are so funny sometimes.

CRCT Results

This is from my niece's birthday scavenger hunt. They had to have a picture of them with their tongues out. lol








Ella's Graduation
















Ava's Graduation.









I wanted to brag a bit, Emma only missed a few questions on the ENTIRE test. You read that right, only a few. She got the highest score in her grade. She is so darn smart and this just proves it. I am so proud of her!

Cyr did so much better this year, her barely passing Math last year has moved right on up to a comfortable average. Ruthie is rally struggling in Math but everything else was barely below passing. I am wondering what the heck she is doing in MID classes. Still not sure if she will pass the 3rd grade b/c she is in summer school to retake the test. Michael didn't pass anything and I am really hoping that by staying put next year he will finally get it.

Great News

After speaking to an incredible trainer that Skirbo recommended, I am confident I was correct in trying to rehome him with someone experienced in this breed. She explained I am able to legally release myself from liability by making a written agreement stating that they understand the issue and that this is the last resort before euthanasia. I have many folks working hard to help from here and locally.

I appreciate all your support and understanding, y'all are the greatest! I was so shocked that this got so much feedback, of all the things I have posted, this was the hottest topic. Go figure.

Kids are fine. Ruthie is starting summer school and is both nervous and excited to be doing something completely on her own. We have AT today and more party planning. Summer is going splendidly so far.

We got the long awaited paternity results back on the kids and are thrilled to announce they are all full siblings. I am extremely relieved to that I won't be having some horrible conversation that a couple of them were fathered by nameless men or their uncle as their Mother had suggested.

I am more than willing to accept help finding him a home. We have been trying ourselves for weeks. I have called EVERY rescue program here and they all tell me that they can't accept a dog that has bitten so many times. I explained that I feel it is a situational thing and they tell me to put him down. We have contacted the breeder and the 2 national Dogo Rescues and were chewed out for considering giving him to someone b/c he has bitten so many times. Every professional we have spoken to has chewed us out for not putting him down sooner. We have been told if he leaves our care and bites someone, we can be sued for endangering them. He is about 100# at 10 months, he will be over 120# full grown and can currently drag a women across the yard at a moments notice. He is fully capable of killing someone. I do not believe it is in his nature but it is possible.

Anonymous Commenter

Sorry you couldn't put your name to the nasty comment. We have "stepped up and gotten him training". We have spent over $1000 on professional training and it is helping. We work with him and separate him from the kids to feed him or the kids. The reason I put some blame on the kids is they refused to follow our instructions to not allow the dog to lay on them and do many other dominant behaviors with him. They taught him he was in charge of them, they encouraged him to be dominant over them, and they refused to listen when we gave them instructions. I am not blaming them for him having to be put down, they did actively participate in causing this problem. He is being put down b/c we have a law here that says we need to, we have tried to work with him to the point that we could be charged with child endangerment. I have been trying to find a home for him but b/c he has bitten so many times, NO ONE WILL TAKE HIM! I am convinced he would do fine, I want to save his life. How dare you call ME lazy? You have no idea what we have been through to help him work through this.

Lisa, I will do that ASAP. Thanks.

Bad Blogger

With the kids out of school I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Ruthie starts summer school on Thursday, my son's 8th birthday is today, we are planning a HUGE party, and we are having to put our dog down. He has a pretty severe case of Food Aggression. Our other Dogos were gentle, laid back, easy going, easy to train, lazy, and sweet. This dogo is anything but those things, he has bitten the kids on several occasions, never seriously but bad. He only becomes this psycho dog when there is people food involved. One time he found the pantry door open and in it was the trash, Patches walked in the room and he lunged at her and bit her leg. SHe bled but we knew it was b/c of the food and he is very confused about the pack order. Another time he bit both Ava and Michael when they tried to remove food from him, he could attack them and maul them but it isn't like that, he just bites and goes back to eating. It's like you see on TV, he is letting them know he gets the food and they are under him. This is not good and I fear they have been the ones to enforce his poor behavior and he would do fine in a home without children, he LOVES children, just not around people food. Does this make sense? I hate to kill a dog that is beautifully trained and just needs to be in a home without kids, he is fine any other time with kids. He NEVER even nips if an older person is there, it is a pack order issue. Our other Dogos were wonderful about pack order and just knew their place. My DH and the kids are devastated. I have been trying to find someone to take him but if we don't he needs to be put down.

Tonight we are making and enjoying ice cream cookies for Michael's treat. He picked salad for dinner and then those. MMMMMM

I know I have let you down Lorie, be patient, I will do it!

A Trip to the ER

Just before the kids went to bed my cell rings. I am one of those people that do not answer the phone if I don't know the number. It rang 3 different times and I thought to myself if it rings again, I'll get it. Never did. My DH's phone rings a minute later and I didn't think a thing about it. Cyr comes running up to tell me to get to the living room, a man is on the phone with Daddy and it is bad. Turns out my BIL, the Asst. Chief of Police in a town about an hour and half from here, was on the phone. My sister, Kiki, was rushed to the ER and they were doing a CAT Scan to look for and aneurysm. I was in the van before he finished telling me the story. He tried to convince me to stay put, please, before she was back in bed from the scan I was in the ER. She has run to me more times than I can count. I wouldn't think of waiting for the results to go.

The entire way there I kept thinking about a girl I knew that went to the ER about 8 months ago with a headache and tingling in her hands. They found a brain tumor and she died within 2 months. I love my sister with all my heart and would die a miserable person without her. She keeps me laughing, I really would be lost.

Turns out the girl has a pretty severe sinus infection! Poor girl, I had her dying. I also managed to ruin Brooklyn's life while I was there. I asked her to come spend the night with me and then realized I couldn't bring her home tomorrow b/c I won't have room in the van. She was devastated. She kept saying, "I want to go live with Tudu!" and crying. I was heartbroken and promised the world to her trying to help. It didn't. So not only is my poor sister in terrible pain from the throbbing infection, I gave her back a screaming kid. Next time I should probably just stay home.

What a Mess

It all started with a big bang and it has managed to drag itself out since. On Friday afternoon Patches and I heard a huge bang outside during a pretty bad storm, the cable went out with it. Without cable we do not have internet or phone service, this is not good with 7 children that are unable to play outside due to the weather. I believe that was the beginning of the end with my son, he has been unable to control his arms and legs to the point I was injured pretty badly on Saturday. We survived that but have seen him escalate many times over nothing and he freaks poor Ruthie out every time. I must admit he is starting to really piss me off. Sorry to sound harsh but it is true, 2,000 raging tantrums later, I am a tad irritated I am being targeted when he is frustrated with someone, anyone else. Why do I have to be kicked and have my hair pulled when he agreed to an Anger Plan. He is the one that agreed to try running a few laps instead of assaulting me, he thought it would help him regain control and then he refuses to try it. I know it is the end of school and he is upset with being retained but this is his own doing, try doing SOME homework once in a while.

Patches is a little better. Cyr is working hard and will be promoted to 6th grade next year. Emma is fine. Ella and Ava had their graduation ceremonies today and yesterday. Ruthie failed her CRCT and will be attending summer school, only Ruthie would be excited to do this. She is a hoot, ready to learn every chance she gets. Her MID teacher feels she will eventually catch up and be on target.

I have 6 places to be at the same time on Friday and some kids are going to be upset b/c that is not possible.

We have been playing kickball in our field, a few kids are really passionate about it. Three are wimps, they cry every time they get an out or miss a ball. I have turned out to be one of those mothers that scream to their kids what to do to the point I am hoarse. The kids weren't used to me screaming like that and were scared at first b/c they thought they were in trouble, once I explained why I was acting a fool and apologized they have gotten into it. We are too funny out there. The neighbor boys have joined us and the youngest is worse than my sweet little wimps combined. The older one told me he understood why I wasn't counting the runs and only the outs, we are that bad, folks. Maybe I will try to video us and post it so you all can laugh at us, too.

We are busy planning a huge party to celebrate all their birthdays at once. We figure it is so much cheaper to do it this way and every one gets to invite their entire class.

Kinda Crazy Day

I called him, it was really nice talking to him. I related to alot of how he feels about life and family. The rest I will keep to myself.

On a different note, we have this book called "Sex" on our bookshelf. It is a medical book of sorts from the 60s. All drawings of the inner body, nothing sexual about it. They all knew it was there, I remember looking at it as a child and reading through it learning things I was embarrassed to ask. Cyr had her sex education at school Wednesday and got out the book. I instantly was surrounded but kids wanting to listen and look without being the center of attention. I was so proud when a few asked some pretty interesting questions about their own bodies. It was also a moment of sadness when I realized one was trying to tell me she has had intercourse. She was concerned her body was messed up now, even with all the talks we have had about this she is still worried. The incident she was telling me about I was aware of but did not know they had actually succeeded in the act, we had thought it was uncompleted. Poor babies, she was clear she has never done it again and won't b/c now she knows it is not OK.

My son is sneaking and wearing his sister's panties. I adore him and am trying to be supportive in this area since it is seeming more and more likely it is not going away but as he feels more safe he is expressing it more. I don't care who he marries as long as they are nice to him. My DH is struggling a bit with his words but is trying. If we let him, I have no doubt he would be in a dress with heels, makeup, nails done, and panties every day. Not sure where to go with this but to tell him he is loved no matter how he dresses. I am sure for some this is just a phase but not so sure it is for him. I just want to be the kind of mother he looks to for support and feels it.

I had Ella's IEP this afternoon to discuss that her regular ed teacher, my DH, and myself had discussed holding her back for several reasons like her lack of social skills, her inability to remember the entire alphabet, she only knows 19 of the 100 sight words needed to be on grade level, her twin being a bully to her, complete lack of self esteem due to not being on target, and many other things. We sit down and her Special Ed teacher and the Educational Advisor both start off telling me they want to move her into 1st grade with he understanding we don't agree. They were kind this time but showed me proof Ella is beginning to read. She is not consistent with ANYTHING, progress or lack of but they insist she will be in 1st grade next year and won't budge. Seeing some of her work, I see what they are talking about but really all they are doing is postponing the inevitable. She is delayed, the teacher she had for most of the year feels she should be retained, her new teacher feels she needs to be retained, we feel this but one Special Ed teacher says no and Ella gets moved forward. I really am not sure how upset I am over this. I want to say she is learning so much, she is just faking it here for attention, that is entirely possible since we witnessed this with her brother and sister. She is thrilled and I hope we can make some headway this summer so she will be OK there next year. Only time will tell.

We cleaned up the house and are off to the park for some exercise. DH decided to have meatloaf, Parmesan Noodles, and nasty peas (from a darn can no less). We will have ice cream cake for dessert.

It's Another Birthday

I have too much to do today, it is my DH's 41st birthday. I am a bit annoyed with his idea that if he is suffering I must know about it even if I am sound asleep. He had trouble sleeping last night and woke me at least 15 times to tell me about it. The first few I acted like I cared but it became more and more difficult when he began to blame me. He woke me one time to ask me if I knew I was snoring. WTF? Of course not, I WAS SLEEPING! He eventually went downstairs to sleep on the sofa, that didn't work so he returned to wake me and give me a step by step playback of his time away from me. He became angry when I could no longer contain my patience and hollered, "Happy Birthday to me!" I laughed and he wasn't amused one bit.

Kids all made it to school today but I imagine a couple already have plans to try and come home. I have an IEP for Ella and they want to see me again about Michael's retention. The principal called yesterday to tell me Ruthie didn't pass her CRCT, hello people she is working on a Kindergarten level in 3rd grade, of course she will not pass the CRCT. They want her to attend summer school, I'm on the fence. It won't hurt but do I want to be tied down for a month. If they could all attend then I would be for it but only one that will never catch up or be on grade level, I don't know.

My Dh just called to talk about not sleeping again. He is such a pain in the ass sometimes. LOL I asked him what he wants for his birthday dinner and he said, "Something like steak over steak with mushrooms and onions." Not. I offered for him to think about it hard and call me back with a reasonable suggestion. Again he acts like a child and whines. LOL Good thing I love him and have a a knack for forgiveness or he would be having macaroni and cheese for his dinner.

Even More Family

I had a wonderful conversation with another family member of my children. The circumstances in which we were forced to discuss was the only difficult part. She is another one of their aunts. Since their are two I should probably name them but both would be Aunt M, how about Aunt 1 and 2? I think you can figure out my logic there, I'm not feeling real creative right now. She is married to another of the maternal uncles, to the oldest son. He has little to do with the family and their story is quite interesting. I really liked her. I think she will be a real inspiration to my children and I look forward to getting to know her. She has been in their shoes and the system failed her. She is determined to help the kids and her own daughter find justice. We agreed on almost every point and she, too, is parenting a daughter with the same issues most of mine are. Whatever IT is must be genetic, even the children that have not been in the environment have the same issues. Unfortunately, she is even less educated about this after 14 years of raising her daughter than we are after 2.

I was thinking tonight that I really want to put a name to it, find out what it is. Not sure why but it is a desire. I hear others feeling the same way and seem to find peace after they have their label whether it is FAS or Fragile X. There is comfort even if it doesn't change the outcome. I see how much my children have grown in the last 2 years, huge differences in them for the better. It is obvious that 4 have some sort of delay. Aunt 2 thinks it is a social delay, it is but so much more. On the maternal side the Gma, Mother, 2 brothers, 1 of 2 cousins, and 4 siblings. That's is almost everyone that doesn't marry in. Wow! They just can't read to save their life although they do try hard, money and math are are foreign concept, time is impossible to explain, strange speech patterns, and a complete lack of social rules.

Aunt 2 also brings credible evidence that brings their paternity in question as we feared. She has added another possible father to the 2 we already worried about. I hate to even go there. That will be a difficult task and conversation if that time comes. I am not sure why DFCS is hiding this information from us, I am worried some of their children are from an incestuous relationship. I was also told another member on the maternal side has been convicted of child molestation, long before my children came along. This was hidden from us by the grandparents and DFCS. I have a huge mess to sort out, I am not looking forward to this.

New Family

For those of you that have taken the time to read my entire blog or followed me since the beginning you know I do not have contact with my paternal side of the family. I tried once years ago to reach out to my father before I knew about his history with my mother. I met a few aunts and uncles and quite a few cousins that looked so much like me it was scary. For no reason at all yesterday I decided to Google his name and up popped 2 sites of women looking for family members. I emailed both of them. One is my cousin and the other is my niece. I am in a bit of shock and barely slept waiting for a response. To my surprise, I woke this morning to one from each.

My niece already spoke to her father and he agreed to give me his email address. I sent him an email and my fingers are crossed I don't sound like an idiot. Thank goodness for spell check or I am sure he would run thinking this girl can't even spell her own name.

It got me thinking, I knew I had at least 3 brothers. I always assumed they were my age, this one isn't. His daughter is 10 years younger than I am, fantastically beautiful I might add. These people may be blood related but are total strangers. This is the very reason I insist on having relationships with my children's families. This is so unfair. I will never have the relationship we could have had. We live across the country and across the world from each other. I must admit it is exciting though, wondering what they are like. Knowing they are there is different than seeing a picture. They never knew about me, never even had a thought. I am a total surprise. Think of all they have missed, LOL. I am sure we will never be what we should have been but I am hopeful I will get to know them a little bit. They seem very nice but who knows perhaps they are serial killers and they only prey on family members. I guess they will have hit the mother load here, I have plenty of future victims. Do you think I can choose who goes first? I mean I love all my kids but a couple are really bugging me lately. Y'all know I am just kidding, I would not give them my children first, DH would be the first I volunteer, that man had the nerve to ask for breakfast in bed. (He got it but I didn't butter the bottom pancake, shh!)

Our First Runaway

Wednesday Patches raged for hours, from 11 AM until about 7 PM. I guess she wanted to reassure us we aren't ready to add more. LOL Not really, she just didn't want to do school work. She shuts down fairly easily and has a hard time coming back around. She went off this time and it wasn't a shut down but a huge meltdown. She screamed at me about how she was going to go to jail when she grew up so her kids would be in foster care, she hates me for taking her out of foster care, she is stupid just like her mother, I am going to quit on her like everyone else, she is a loser, and of course I am a loser. I barely let myself get above a whisper and told her to find me when she was done. I had to peek in on her many times b/c I kept hearing banging and breaking in there. She seemed to calm down at some point and I told her to go ahead and get busy on the chores she had earned. All she did was move her obnoxious behavior to the kitchen. After an hour we were about to sit for dinner so I asked her to take her screams to the deck or her room so we could hear ourselves. She ran out the door and said she was running away. I called after her to be careful and put on shoes. She did neither.

We enjoyed our dinner and checked the deck to see if she was there. Nope. DH got in the truck and went to look for her , she was walking down the middle of the street with cars honking at her. She refused to get in the truck and I called her AT. I really am afraid to call the police so I needed to hear it from her. She gave me the go ahead and I then I saw her at the property line. She was hiding so I walked to her and told her to get out of the road and into the house or I was calling the police and she would likely be admitted to the hospital. I turned and walked away. She beat me to the house. After an hour she calmed enough to allow me to touch her hair. I found a letter in my room later that she had written. She was very upset and felt too out of control. She is confused why this is happening to her again and asked for my help. She admitted she was in the street so I would call and take her to the hospital b/c she has had that happen at other homes before. She loves me and needs me. She has been fine since. We see her AT tomorrow. Our teens used to run away and I myself was a runner in my teens so I am all to experienced with this lovely behavior, sure hope it doesn't catch on.

The others are calm. No issues to speak of. Cyr's boyfriend broke up with her the other day and told her some stupid reason, today he asked another girl to go with him and she is devastated. She is embarrassed mostly. I feel bad for her but I told her the real reason he broke up with her is b/c he was probably in love with me and since I am taken he can't go with anyone else near me. It seemed to cheer her up, she laughed at me.

I found out today that you are coming to see us, BB. I can't wait. Kiki is having a party for Abbie that night so I will see you there. I still haven't spoken to my Mother and I live a couple of hours away so I am afraid that will be the only time I see you. I am very excited for you to meet the kids and they can't wait to put a face with the name.

Don't Laugh

I have said many times that we are not done adopting, DH has always agreed behind closed door but in front of others laughed it off and teased me about being crazy. He wants more boys desperately, I think he is hoping at least one boy wouldn't be into pink, high heels, and make up. He is getting used to our son enjoying those things but still dreams about a son being a bit more boyish so they aren't so out numbered.

So last night he took everyone except Ava to see Emma's "friend" that is a boy play baseball. (She was so cute b/c she turns bright red if you ask her if he is cute or her boyfriend. We do not want to encourage boyfriends in first grade, by the way.) It made my DH realize what he is missing, boys. He loves the girls, don't get me wrong, but he is dying for boys. He comes home and tells me to get on it, contact our agency and get things moving. He knows it will take 6-12 months so he is ready to start. He is thinking 2-5 boys. The thing is I have been feeling a bit hesitant about more lately, not set on it but thinking we might be done. I love my kids and even though they are struggling right now, we are doing really well. More kids would screw that up for sure. They have been home 2 years now and I am sure we can all handle it but do I want to? I am going to have to get some things together before I can make that decision, maybe this summer we can move forward, not today though.

I am kinda on a baby kick, you ever go through those? I don't want to have one myself, I just see what a difference it make to have them from such a young age. There is a huge difference in the way you feel about them and the way they feel about you. When they are older it takes so long to bond, with a baby there is a process, too but they don't beat the crap out of your while you wait for it to happen. I mourn that loss with my kids every day, they missed out on it too. They talk about it with me a little and they hurt. Maybe we will be really picky this time and only try for really young boys. I know we both agree we want another group but I don't know if it will be as big as he is mentioning. We have room for 5 more in the van and house but I just don't know, it doesn't really make much of a difference between 2-5 more when there are 7 already, it's just back to therapy and a tighter schedule for alone time with each one. Then again, we already have such a hard time finding folks to put up with us as we are, we could never leave the house.

My Weekend

Patches had her own Field Day at the mall last week, she did flip after flip on this thing.

The weekend went better than expected. I guess if you lower your expectations enough you are always fulfilled. Saturday morning Ava couldn't contain herself and had to wake up all the kids except Cyr and only b/c she can't get into her room. Ava is such a little turd sometimes, thank goodness she is sooooo cute, it has saved her life more times than I can count. I tried to pretend I didn't hear them but eventually got up around 6:45AM to feed them. We had plans to leave and spend the night at my MIL's but Ruthie and Michael decided to pitch a fit around that time causing us to leave late and arrive about an hour late. I was nearly in tears by the time we got there. She had prepared a magnificent Southern lunch like only she can. I ate 2 platefuls and went to hide and take a nap. Kids played wonderfully but FIL decided it was time to repair the nails in the back deck about 30 minutes into the nap so I got up. The rest of the day went by quietly while we watched a million episodes of Nanny 911 and I went to bed a happy birthday girl.

Sunday I milked the whole Mother's Day thing to the max with my husband. He actually got up off his rear and almost helped clean up the best breakfast ever, biscuits and sausage gravy. The kids were well behaved and packed up their stuff to go home. Emma called her Mother to wish her a happy day and when she was done she asked to speak to me. She informed me that our town had been hit by a tornado and was all over the news. Turned out it hit the street off ours and our house was fine but there was a few hours we weren't sure. My DH mowed the yard and the kids cleaned up the debris. I relaxed in my bed and watched P.S. I love you and bawled for 2 hours. I had to get up several times to catch my breath and the kids kept coming in to watch me cry. They find it weird and entertaining.

I had a wonderful time at Muffins for Moms in Emma's class and I go to Michael's tomorrow. Ella threw a fit while I was there to make me feel at home, I guess. I had to explain to Ava's teacher she had scraped off her skin on her cheek trying to get her tattoo off that the teacher had put there Friday. She did this out of anger and has a lovely inflamed scab on cheek the size of her fist. I don't want them thinking I hurt her.

Their Aunt called to tell me some details that came out over the weekend about their parents. It was confirmed by their mother that she had caught her husband in a strange situation with their niece a few weeks ago. The child is still trying to keep in touch with him, she thinks they have a relationship and claims she loves him. I called the Detective's partner since she is on vacation. He is going to contact the niece's parents since both of their parents are screaming to anyone that will listen that the niece's father raped her. We don't think it is true and they are trying to take the focus off of what he has done. He had also gotten drunk and told this child's mother if she wasn't 13 he would so her. Not something to say about someone's child. That is what started the fight and accusations. They are so sick, I am so angry he is still free to hurt little girls, I really need them to pick up the pace a bit. They are having trouble with aunt that was adopted, she is avoiding them again. She doesn't want to relive this, I can't blame her but I wish I could talk to her.

Busy Month

The first picture is on Emma serving the volleyball, she was really into it. Ava is wearing the float, visor, and sunglasses in a race. Ella had to drag this poor boy in a race. Michael loved the parachute games. Most of them slept very well. Michael had a hard time getting to sleep and got up for the first time in months. He gave 3 different reasons but all were lies, I think he just took his Melatonin too late and it took a bit to kick in.

I have a lot going on this month. The 10th is my birthday, 11th is Mother's Day, 21st is DH's birthday, 26th is our 13th wedding anniversary, and the 29th is the 6th anniversary of Emma's adoption. The kids are like most traumatized children and don't do well around those days so we tend to minimize them. I tell them I am turning 47 which is ten years older than I am. Crazy, huh? They think it is hilarious that I am older than Dad and they they tell others and people compliment me on how great I look for my age. I know it's silly but only Cyr really knows, I try to tell them they are the wrong age, too.

So for my birthday, Mother's Day, and anniversary I got my teeth whitened. What else does a fantastic 47 year old need? I had stopped by the mall, something I rarely do, and saw a little kiosk set up to do this. I stopped and looked and it was only $185 for 4-5 shades. I had priced this at the dentist and it was over $500. This is the same ting, you do not have to be a dentist to do this and she said they are of course licensed something or other, not a technician but educated in teeth let's say. She was great except she failed to explain how badly it would hurt. First tray was just tingly and a sharp pain on on one tooth lasted maybe a few seconds several times. The second tray almost had me tear up. The bubbly sensation was painful on my gums, I managed to hang in there and finish. I lost 5 shades of color on my teeth. I have the tray and 4 more rounds I can do at home to freshen up or do to continue to lighten a shade or two. My kids even noticed and said I had "sparkly teeth". She warned me not to eat tomato or dark sauces for the next 48 hours or my teeth would stain. I am having a hard time with coffee this morning.

While at the mall getting my teeth "sparkly" I got some fantastic bargains on summer clothes for the girls. My son hasn't grown again this year so he can wear the same clothes. I found sandals for everyone at Sears for less than $16 each. The Children's Place had cotton shorts and tie dyed Tshirts or tanks on sale for 3 for $15. Old Navy had tons of cotton dresses for $7.99, Tshirts for $2.99, and shorts for $2.00-$4.49. Ava loves the new stuff and is going to try to take care of herself for on week so she can wear one of the new dresses. This year we had a switch in the kids sharing clothes. Cyr and Patches can basically share a size 14, Ella is in a size 5 sometimes a 6, Michael is stuck in a size 5T, but Ava and Emma are in a full size 6 and can share with Ruthie who remains in a 6/7. What is it with kids that don't gain weight even on meds that are supposed to make them gain weight?

I asked the kids to write me a letter telling me what they appreciate about me for Mother's Day. They wanted to do something and frankly I have too many drawing to keep forever. I thought they could work together and do a letter. Lisa has her Grateful List and it gave me inspiration.

I received the funniest thing in the mail yesterday. My sister, Kiki, sent me a card with coupons in it. Yes, crazy I know, it is just like her. I laughed out loud and can't wait to use them. She sent me some great ones for Ben & Jerry's and Dove candy. My kind of coupons! Cyr snickered and said, "I don't want to grow up, I got a gift card for my birthday and you got coupons!" To her they were sad, I was tickled to death. What a difference a few years can make.

I have just given Kiki access to this blog, I am not sure why I keep this to myself IRL but I have only shared it with two people in my family BB and Kiki. My DH doesn't even read this, not that he can't, he just doesn't really care to.

The Visit

I knew they were uneducated but the extent of their issues surprised me. The man is not dying, in fact upon our arrival I overheard the doctor calling their Nanny to arrange his discharge. They told me he had a stroke and the doctor said it was pneumonia. DFCS had become involved on Monday telling them he could no longer live alone and she mentioned, "What if he had a stroke?" They misunderstood and thought he had a stroke. The doctor told me he had explained to them what was happening but somehow they didn't understand b/c they were truly shocked when they were told he was not dying. He even thought he was dying. They discharged him as we were leaving and since they have no room for him, he will live out his days on a sofa in their living room. He is unable to walk more than a couple of feet and they had no idea how to get him in the house.

As we were waiting for Nanny and Papa to return to the hospital and see the kids we ran into one of their old foster mom's MIL. Patches hollered to her and she didn't even recognize her. She couldn't believe how much she had grown and how beautiful she is. SHe quickly called Shirley, their old FM so she could rush up there. I adore her and the relationship we have developed over the last 2 years. We talk about once a month and see her a few time a year. SHe really wanted to adopt but couldn't keep all 6, she had had them all in different shifts and even at the same time for awhile. The really enjoyed seeing her and her girls.

Great Papa

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The kids have a special relationship with their Birth Great Papa. He has been their caregiver at times and adores them. At 87 years old he refuses to accept help from his son and lives in a small house behind his home, alone. He had a stroke Monday and their Aunt called this morning to tell me he isn't going to make it. He was unconscious until a few hours ago, he asked to see his great grandchildren. He thinks his DIL is his late wife so I am not sure he will know who the kids are. I am checking them out of school in a few minutes and driving the 2 hours up there while their parents are unavailable to accidentally walk in. Their Father is at work with their Uncle and will keep him there, he promises to call if he leaves. Their Mother doesn't drive and everyone has told her they can't pick her up until tomorrow. We should be safe but just in case I am informing the Detective we are coming up there. I am so sad for this family. He is such a gentle soul and he will be missed greatly by my children. I am sad to say Cyr refuses to go, she says she doesn't care if he dies or if she never sees him again. I feel it is her decision to make, I know she will regret this for a long time. It won't be possible to make the funeral b/c I am sure the parents will be there.

She Gets It

The second and third conferences went very well. We had Ella's first and we love her teacher. She pointed out concerns about Ella' s relationship with her twin. She feels that even if Ella wasn't so delayed we should seriously consider holding her back to separate them more, otherwise they would still see each other on the playground. Ava controls Ella to the point that Ella has made no friends, if she plays with someone Ava bullies the kid and then runs off to play with others leaving Ella alone. She is mean to her when she does play with her. The relationship is toxic. We have asked for Ella to be retained based on what her teacher from the last school suggested and we are waiting to hear if they will let her.

Ava's was am IEP/conference combined and the IEP was so simple. Ava came to us with serious speech issues, we understood about 10% of what she said. In 2 years she has managed to correct everything but an occasional r sound. Sound too good to be true? It is, we are convinced she was doing it on purpose. When we talked to her about her speech pattern awhile ago we told her we thought she was doing it intentionally and almost all of it stopped. She speaks clearly and has an impressive vocabulary using sentences that include 8-10 words. Drastically different that the 3 word sentences she was using last year. She is one of the smartest kids I have ever met and I can't wait for her to start using it for good instead of evil. LOL

Anyway, the folks in the IEP were irritated we insisted this was faked and wouldn't even listen to it. Things moved quickly and they wanted to keep her one more year and just squeeze her in for 30 minutes every week instead of the hour they had been. I swear they only kept her in b/c I asked if she would be stopping it. As we left her teacher ran after us and said she has some real concerns about Ava. She appreciated the notes I had been sending and would notice the things I mentioned only after I pointed them out. Finally, someone believed us! I practically told this woman I loved her and my DH explained our lack of support from another teacher. She sees Ava as a bully and that she requires alot of attention or she acts out. She seems to pinpoint the weak children and tortures them quietly claiming her innocence the entire time. She said she would've believed her if she hadn't been told about her. She said it makes you feel crazy b/c she is so manipulative about things. I completely understand and I had not considered RAD until after we had her over a year, she slides under the radar. Things just seem to happen to Ava that she can't explain and claims she has nothing to do with. It always revolves around her though so you begin to question things. Once we address a behavior she moves onto another forcing you to look at the possibility it was her. She also cries, alot. Now that I have confronted her on it, she stopped. Same thing with liquids, she used to dump out all the shampoo or liquid soap every time she was left in the restroom alone making us think it was a sensory thing, we told her we know it was her and she moved on to something else. I am not sure how her life will play out but right now I am very concerned at her malicious behavior towards others, she is only 6. Her teacher asked what she could do to make things better in her class, we told her no warnings or emotions, just consequences. She thanked us and said our suggestions have helped in the past and she would be using them in the future.

I have to attend Field Day for Cyr and Ruthie today. I take that back, Cyr asked me not to embarrass her by coming. WOW! Ruthie is really excited to see me. Everyone else is tomorrow. This picture of them is from my phone and not very good. Cyr had to squat and claims the sunscreen I applied to her felt like honey smeared all over her. Cyr, Ruthie, and Ava are the only ones that have a tendency to fry in the sun. Cyr would do better if I could ever get her off her rear and outside, she has dark skin but it hasn't seen the sun in the 2 years I have known her.

***I will crop the picture when I get a chance and put it back up, I didn't think about the Tshirt saying the name of the school. Thanks so much!

The meeting didn't go well. They do not understand and I am afraid the more I explain the less likely they will get it and the more likely they will accuse me of something. We agreed to retain Michael in 1st grade, they think he will magically start keeping up. I know he will not. He has progressed in the last 2 years but he is still on Kindergarten levels. They want to retain him and just drop all his Special Ed services and just keep an eye on him. I tried to explain that 4 of the 6 do not retain anything they learn. They struggle with reading even after they start to read, they never seem to catch up. They don't learn at the pace that most children learn at. I tried to give them kudos and support but I just don't believe they will understand until next year. His teacher actually said, "He should be fine b/c he was here for the entire time reading segment and understands it. He just needs to be here for the full year." Like the other teachers he has had didn't try hard enough. Maybe it is me, I don't try hard enough.

I'll be back later after the other meetings.

We are back to sweet peacefulness. Kids are all happy and fun to be around. Homework is being done. Fighting and tattletaling is at an all time low. They no longer feel abandoned by my DH. ANy guessing on how long this will last?

Wish me luck today in Michael's IEP, I am a nervous wreck.

The kids are cleaning up the yard so I can begin mowing the 2 acres with a push mower. I am not looking forward to it. I can't wait for them to be old enough to do it b/c I figure it will take a season for the new to wear off. When that happens the next kid will be old enough. My evil plan revealed. I guess we could continue to adopt sibling group after sibling group when they are just about the age to begin mowing. LOL Or we could purchase a riding mower and I could have a blast doing it every couple of weeks.

I have 2 IEP meeting tomorrow, Ava and Michael. Wednesday and Thursday are Field Day at school, they split up the older kids from the younger ones. At least we do not tons of therapy appointment anymore. I have no idea how we fit it all in before, how can we be a normal family if we are never home or have the chance to do normal things? I hope to become more social this summer with them in tow. They need brief outings with other families. It makes them feel good when the other kids act up. Small doses, though.

We are still waiting for the Detective to call. She doesn't answer her phone or email so we just have to keep trying her. I am worried the parents are planning to leave the state, they have a lot of stories but this one seems credible.

My MIL saved the day

Cyr quietly watched High School Musical over and over today. Since they have misplaced the remote for their DVD player she laid on the floor with it so she could rewind it without getting up.

My MIL called early this morning and asked to meet us at the AT's office so she can visit with the kids. It was a great idea and helped out so much. Normally they sit there for up to 3 hours and entertain themselves. They do well most days but with their unpredictable emotions I was very concerned about how it was going to work until she called. Yeah for MILs!

He came home with a sticker and a lollipop, I asked him where he got it and he told me the Principal gave it to him in his office. WTF? I am so upset about this, is this how we teach our children to consequences? This is absurd. They think he a little victim. I now know for sure they never watched the DVDs I gave them when we moved here. I can't blame them completely for falling for his pitifulness, he is so darn cute with his "deer in the headlight" look. Michael told me they asked him why he didn't come to school and he told them he was pitching a fit. Too bad that doesn't really describe what he was doing.

I am all for suggestions on giving the school a clue!

Coming Home

I think my DH may be coming home soon. For good. The people up there are a residential company with little commercial experience. I know you are probably thinking what's the difference? There is a huge difference and they are finding that out a bit too late. They are unorganized and paying a bit less than promised. The living conditions are irritating to say the least. They have a 1.7 million dollar house with 9 bedrooms filled with bunkbeds for the crews to stay free of charge. It is packed with guys that are peeing on everything, throwing their toilet paper in the trash, they 6 dogs that are not housetrained well, they drink every night, stay up late and go in late, and the TV is not in English. These are not my DH's guys, they are from another contractor and he can't tell them what to do. They are also not allowing anyone to work more than 40 hours and have redone their invoices to reflect a by the foot payment instead of hourly. The big job is not ready and they think it will be another 2 weeks but my DH said it is really more likely to be a month after that. He is ready to come home but he is stranded there until they write him a check.

I need him here for now. Since he is not really involved in the daily duties for the kids I really thought we would be fine. We need him here. I need him here. He is what gives me strength. He is so much more important than I thought and I was aware before.

Why didn't I think of that?

My son refused to get on the bus yesterday and had to be carried in the house kicking and screaming. I put him in in room checked my wounds. I knew he was going to be there a long while since he locked his door. He is safe in there and tends to just scream lately instead of breaking the few things he has left in there. As you all know from your own children, it is not possible to force them to do anything or get a grip in a timely fashion. He spent the afternoon cleaning everything I could find.

This morning I sent a note to the teacher that he was not excused and a brief description that he refused to get on the bus or attend school. She left me a VM saying next time just bring him on to school and they would deal with it. I actually laughed out loud. I tried to reach her but decided to inform the Principal of the incident. I praised the teacher to him and explained that while bringing him to school was a great idea for most parents, I couldn't physically gotten him in the van to do so. The night before I had to call the police to get the little booger in the van so I could leave Kroger. He apologized and said they just don't see that. I had warned them, given them articles to read, and asked them to meet with our AT. They just don't get it. He reluctantly agreed it would be dangerous to ride with him trying to escape the van but he is still skeptical of how serious this is.

I am going to film the next episode of violence against us and for proof. I already offered a copy of the police report and he declined. I know they think I am crazy. What really bothers me is that that is what bothers me.

He also wants us to consider holding him back again. That makes twice in K and twice in 1st. I am fine with it b/c he has done this to himself by refusing to do homework but a big part is not his fault he just can't read yet.

Ella will probably be held back as well. I refuse to homeschool these to b/c it will be a power struggle every minute of every day. I need the break I get from school, it makes me a better Mom to them. AAAHHHH!!!!

ANother Round with Michael

Things were calm the rest of the night, this morning was a whole new program. He went to catch the bus at our mailbox and began kicking rocks on the girls, spitting at them, and yelling in their faces. I asked him to stop and he ran behind a tree refusing to get on the bus or come in. I had to get shoes and go out there and pick his scrawny rear end up and carry him in. I left him in his room, he locked the door and I didn't protest, then I went and took a nap. He came out a couple hours later and I am well rested. It worked out for both of us, he kept his life and I kept my sanity. He is cleaning toilets, dog poop out of the yard, scrubbing the carpet on his hands and knees, and anything else gross I can find.

I called the Detective this morning to get an update, things have been delayed b/c the father's sister that was removed from his home many years ago and adopted by another family has backed out a few times on the taped interview. She is nervous and doesn't want to disrupt her life. I can't blame her she has no connection to the kids and has never met them. I sent the Detective a recent picture of them, hoping it helps. I warned her the parents are planning to move to TX in a couple weeks for a job. She can't pick them up w/o the taped information from the aunt, it is critical to the case. It proves he has done this many times before and it is no longer his word against the kids.

Police at Their Finest

I took the youngest 5 to the grocery store for dog food and had Ava crying for the ride there and the first 10 minutes at the Customer Service counter. She was upset but not out of control. Michael lost it. I have no idea what started it but he went down hill fast. I had to hold his arms to keep him from knocking things over. I knew the trip was going to have to move quickly to make it out in one piece. I whispered to the clerk that is he had any weird complaints about us to just call the police and we headed off to get the 4 things we needed.

I had to hold his wrist to keep him from running and knocking everything over. He began pinching me over and over. I kept smiling to the other children and moving along. He flung out his other arm and knocked something off the shelf. I gave him the opportunity to pick it up or I would help him. He refused so I took each of his arms and helped him pick it up. A nosey man decided to intervene. He told me, "A little nice would go along way, Lady. He didn't do anything, I saw it fall." Considering the fact I saw him knock it off, I responded politely and calmly. I explained that there was more going on than he realized and my son has emotional issues. He accused me being mean, that helped the situation so much. Another woman walked by and offered her assistance, she quietly told me she understood what was happening and told me to hang in there. We made it to the check out and he threw himself around there until I carried him out.


Once in the van, he refused to wear a seat belt. I helped him put it on and he took it off repeatedly. I helped him out of our van and spoke to him nicely even though I wanted to scream. He ran to the other side of the van. I called the police. I was pretty matter of fact with the operator and told her he refused to cooperate and I couldn't go home. They sent an officer. He was polite and let me explain, I showed him our letter from the therapist warning of violent tantrums. My son is terrified of him and starts crying. He can't answer simple questions like, what school do you go to? Where do you live? Are you in special classes? I explained he is in Special Ed and struggles to learn things like names of people and schools, his address, his birthday, etc. He backed of a bit and asked if he would get in the van with his belt. Once he agreed, I got the 3rd degree. He explained the reason he was so good with him is b/c he has a degree in Psychology. He asked how many kids I have and how old they were. One of the kids hollered that Patches doesn't go to school so I had to tell him she has Social Anxiety. This idiot starts telling me she is Agoraphobic. I reiterated she had Social Anxiety, he told me to watch her b/c Agoraphobia turns into Schizophrenia. WTF? I smiled and thanked him over and over. I got the feeling this won't be the last we see him. He better not take us on as his pet project, he was weird and I don't need him trying to diagnose us any more.

I hate strangers! We left without the darn dog food, too.

On a better note, we had a blast at our Mommy and Me play date. I can't wait to try it again. My 2 kids were the best behaved there.

Fiting In

It was another decent night of sleeping. Maybe I can get back on track now.

We are baking brownies right now for our play date with a local Mommy and Me group. All the kids will be between 1-4 yrs old but Patches is really excited to play with them. She has come so far with younger children that I am completely comfortable with her doing just that. Emma has pink eye and I let her stay home from school so she will be joining us. I have a feeling I was manipulated by them both somehow so she could go. I think she needs this time with me and it will be fun.

Still haven't heard anything from the darn Detective. They were to be picked up by yesterday and I know they were home at 8PM per the aunt.

Michael was able to verbalize his feeling yesterday after his tantrum. The kids thought it was funny he rang the doorbell to ask if he may rejoin our family on our terms not his. He did his restitution and had a calm evening.

I think I posted about this the other day but it is still really bothering me. I have joined this great Moms forum for Moms in my area. I thought it would be a great place to start meeting friends for both the kids and I. They have a lot of play dates and activities but they communicate a lot online. I keep reading trying to relate and post but when I type it all out I erase it b/c I am afraid my parenting experience is so different. There is very little I have in common with them. They seem to make sill comments about things w/o thinking it through, if I said those things to my children I am afraid of the damage it would do. It's not that they are rude or mean it that they do not have to think about everything they say and do like I do. They are parenting by the seat of their pants and I have to think out every detail of the tiniest activity or comment. Does this even make sense? It just points out how abnormal we are. Damn it I want to rejoin society and I am realizing not only are our parenting styles obviously different but our size alone scares people off. I guess I hoped not to share our emotional issues and just fit in. I want my children to feel what it is like to be normal and not have everything we do revolve around a therapy of some sort. Maybe I will begin to post more and if they pull too far back I will look for another group that is more forgiving of our differences. I am sure we can manage a few play dates w/o standing out too much, it's just if we blow, we blow it BIG TIME and would scare the crap out of some kids. I feel like I need to warn them about possible situations and at the same time I don't want to share b/c what if we are to the point they can do this and I have shared unnecessarily. Not that I share their background or anything about their past just current behavior issues.

My son threw the XBOX remote at Emma when his turn was up. He then looked in my face and called me a liar even though he knows I saw it. I asked him to try again and he went off on a screaming fit. I escorted him to our beautiful back porch to find a plan to make this up to us. He has been back there for over an hour with no end in sight. He hates me. Oh well. I guess the other kids can eat his dinner if he chooses to remain there.

I Did It

I had a couple glasses of wine over the phone with my kids' aunt and we had our own little pity party b/c her DH is not home right now either. I adore this woman, our friendship is one of the best things to come out of this adoption, besides the kids. She had called to tell me about another allegation against the parents, their maternal uncle has accused them of raping his daughter and they have accused him of doing it to his daughter. This is the same 14 yr old cousin that had been hanging out with them and I reported to the Detective handling their case. I pray they are both wrong.

I was able to fall asleep due to the wine but I hadn't thought about the possibility of a hangover since I rarely drink. I got one. Not fun. I took some pain reliever and got them off to school so I could lay back down. I had to shut off my phone b/c some 800 number kept calling me over and over. I think I got about 6 hours total so I am feeling like a new woman. I feel optimistic again. I don't think I will try the wine again for quite awhile, though.

Our neighbor brought over his grandsons to play with my kids last night. I was a bit nervous to let them go out and had a quick chat about rules first. I watched them from the kitchen window and quickly realized there wouldn't be an issue b/c my kids couldn't catch the little boogers if they had to. After about 10 minutes, Emma and Cyr came in complaining they we tired of chasing the boys. The others came in one at a time about every 5 minutes until the boys had to leave. My kids need to learn to be active. Emma hates to sweat, she is too prissy. Cyr will lay in front of the TV without it on just waiting for me to agree. the rest will play outside but at a much slower pace than the boys did. I have to agree they were fast.

We had 7 Layer Burritos for dinner and Cyr ate about 2 cups of guacamole by the spoonful when we were done. They managed to scarf down an entire gallon of strawberries in 5 minutes.

Tonight's the Night

I am armed with a plan to sleep. I picked up a bottle of wine and plan to have an entire glass of it when I take my Melatonin. I tried to find Natural Calm but wouldn't you know they were surprised to be out of it. I warned the kids I am still crazy tired and I would be sleeping alone. Cyr left my bed in the middle of the night and confirmed to the children I was not easy to rest with.

The kids brought home their progress reports and I couldn't tell how well they were doing. They should give you a grade or number or something. They don't, it is the weirdest thing I have ever seen. I will try to scan it in when they go to school for opinions b/c I am lost. Cyr was the only one that I found grades on and I am so proud to say she went from a D to a B in Math. Her Reading dropped to a D but everything else was great. It is a huge improvement form last progress report when she had 3 or 4 Ds.

Kids are still practicing their new attitudes and Patches and Michael are working as a team to clean up the living room w/o me standing over them.

Thank You So much For Your Kind Words

Y'all are the greatest! I just felt terrible for screaming like that. It has never bothered me when they are hateful b/c I know it is not me, it just really got to me yesterday. I guess I needed a pity party. I had figured we would have a tough weekend b/c their parents are being charged and arrested today, I hadn't counted on the lack of sleep. I will try that Natural Calm, for sure. This weekend won't slow me down, overall I see huge improvements from each of them in their own ways.

I gave them Little Debbies and milk for dinner. I swear I normally feed them very healthy food, no one was hungry after a really late lunch and I thought it would be silly after such a hard day. I was a bit weepy the rest of the day but they had no idea. I sent them all to bed a little early hoping to go to sleep myself. At 2AM I shut off the TV and laid there until 3:30 when I refused to look at the clock again.

On a very personal note, I now have 2 daughters that have become a "woman". She was in the bathroom a long time and I asked if she was OK. She told me no. I reminded her of our conversation just last week and she got a deer in the headlights look. We had another talk about what it means ans I asked her only question. "OMG, I could get pregnant?" I laughed out loud and and agreed. SHe confirmed she wouldn't be doing that until marriage (My fingers are crossed) and I told her we could certainly talk about this anytime she wanted.

We had a Major Meltdown Today

The have finally driven me to the point I sobbed. I felt unable to control my voice, my feelings, and my body. No one was hurt but it is only b/c I put them on the back porch. Please understand I would never hurt my children physically but I needed space from 5 of them. This was the second time in 2 years that I got to the point I had to separate myself from them. I did have a point to why they were on the porch but first I will tell you about what brought me to that point.

I am back to having sleeping issues again. It has been a life long issue and I have had it under control for about a year. All of the sudden it is way out of wack again and I panic all night that it will go on forever and the Melatonin won't work anymore. I made the mistake of telling the kids to be quiet in the morning and let me sleep until 8 or so. I put a TV in their rooms for them to watch cartoons on the weekends only. Ava decided she would irritate them until they had to tell me. This was at 7:00 so I got 3 hours of sleep. Patches broke the shelf on the fridge I just sold and asked her to wipe off the outside of it. She hid it and didn't tell me. Now I am sure they guy will want his money back. I need the money. Ella is so determined to be a victim she makes up things so she can be pitiful. I know it sounds silly but it is extremely frustrating dealing with her in this area. Overall they were their usual selves until my son flipped out and attacked me like he used to b/c I asked him to put something in the laundry room. I had to hold him for what seemed like forever. I became upset and just let him go. He was so shocked he didn't move.

I ran to my room and cried. I never do this. I feel like I have control over our home and their issues. They just don't get to me, they can act like crazy people and I have never taken it personally before. I know alot of it is I am tired and miss my DH. I came out a few minutes later and only Emma asked what was wrong. No one else cared. They were just as demanding and selfish as usual. I lasted maybe 5 minutes and I flipped out myself. I screamed a bunch of stuff about how wonderful I knew they could be, I am tired of being the only one who cares about anyone, I am not their maid or punching bag, I am tired of wasting all my energy on the kids acting out and little on the kids behaving, and something to the effect of, "If you can't act like you care get out on the porch and come in when you can figure out what you can do to be a productive member of this family." Not my best moment, I know.

Emma and Cyr had not done anything wrong so were exempt from my tirade. Ruthie and Michael came in within seconds to apologize and give me their plan. They were great plans and heart felt. The Patches, Ava, and Ella stayed out there for over 3 hours. They peed on the porch, kicked the house, tried to break the windows, tried to tear up the porch board by board, and screamed. Inside we watched a movie, ate a great lunch, and had a treat all in their line of sight. Eventually they came in one by one and we discussed their plan and mine. They have been half heartedly doing chores since. I feel a bit better and have over heard all of them except the 3 doing chores actually making the changes they promised. They are picking up their toys, being attentive to each other's feelings, gone out of their way to do nice things for me, and have been fun to be around. I am not thinking for a second all their crap is finished but it was nice they pulled it together so I could catch my breath. I feel like dirt about blowing up. I couldn't help it, it has been coming a long time but I feel like maybe they deserve a bit of screaming once every couple of years. Please tell me you all lose it, too. I feel like dirt.

Breaking the Rules

Most of the house got cleaned today and the rest will be tomorrow. Then I can start all over Monday. It just doesn't seem fair.

I miss my DH. He is stranded in CO with no phone b/c they do not get service there. Kids keep asking about him. Ella thinks he is coming home when she goes to sleep, she doesn't grasp time.

Lisa, I think it is rude you are having a getaway and won't answer your phone. You had better be having fun.

We are breaking our house rule of no kids in our bed. Since Dad is gone, I am allowing each child to rotate out on the weekend nights. I swear it is better than Disney for them. We are working on being "normal". This is a very normal thing to do. Just like hugging your sibling when they are hurt, happy, or you are sorry. I noticed a few months ago, they do not touch nicely, only hitting or abusing. We are practicing alot of things. Humor is another. They do not know how to joke around and they shut down if you play with them. I have been giving them funny comebacks and wait patiently for them to repeat them. It is no longer funny when they say it but it is coming a bit quicker in the last 2 days for a few of them. I have to remind them they are not in trouble amny times and keep a grin slapped on my face til it hurts. I know it is weird but how can you have fun when you can't tease or joke?

A Little Bad with the Great

No news about the parents. Ruthie had a full blown meltdown and managed to kick me in the boob and neck 3 or 4 times. My finger nail got in the way and instead of breaking off like they usually do it turned inside out. I really wish it would have broken, this was much more painful and I had to suck it up and bend it back. It has turned a funny purple color and is so tender to touch I am not able to hit a key with it. It took several hours to calm her down and I am the only person hurt. Ella cried quite a bit during this episode but all the others were just irritated at her timing.

Now on to the great. I witnessed with my own eyes a miracle, true remorse from Cyr. There is no doubt this was sincere, it was her own words, and there were LOTS of tears. I brought up the parents pending arrests and asked her what are the differences and similarities between what she did and what they did. I waited patiently and almost moved on when I realized she wasn't talking b/c she was choked up. She was completely confused and surprised so she wasn't sure what to do. She let me hold her and she managed to speak between sobs that what she did was worse b/c the kids trusted her to take care of them. She admitted she resents them (nothing new) but she feels bad for it. Of course there was a lot more but you get the idea. She feels like crap! Yeah!!!!! That officially goes on the list of things I never thought I would say about my children. I couldn't be more proud of her, she has so far to go but this is was 100 steps in the right direction. I can't wait for therapy tomorrow. She just came out of her room b/c she forgot to hug me, someone has possessed my child.

All Over the News?

The Detective and AT mentioned something yesterday that kept me up all night worrying. Both mentioned not to speak to any media when they call. WTF? The AT went into a bit of an explanation but I failed to ask the detective anything and just agreed. The AT said that when they are arrested it will be all over the news b/c it is a big case with many serious charges. The reporters will dig right in. He is concerned that b/c we have an open adoption with extended family they may mention their new names or area of town we live and we can be located that way. I sure hope not, the kids will be devastated. We talked about last night about how they are heroes for telling us what happened. They hadn't thought of it that way before and you could just see their heads held a bit higher and their attitudes improved. They are heroes, they saved other children from being hurt by telling.

Ruthie told me last night out of no where that she is very angry her parents are lying and she admitted they are bad people for the first time. SHe wasn't upset, that alone is huge for her, she was very matter of fact. She is mad, they are bad. Of course then she didn't go to sleep but she didn't lay there and cry either. Yeah!