The have finally driven me to the point I sobbed. I felt unable to control my voice, my feelings, and my body. No one was hurt but it is only b/c I put them on the back porch. Please understand I would never hurt my children physically but I needed space from 5 of them. This was the second time in 2 years that I got to the point I had to separate myself from them. I did have a point to why they were on the porch but first I will tell you about what brought me to that point.
I am back to having sleeping issues again. It has been a life long issue and I have had it under control for about a year. All of the sudden it is way out of wack again and I panic all night that it will go on forever and the Melatonin won't work anymore. I made the mistake of telling the kids to be quiet in the morning and let me sleep until 8 or so. I put a TV in their rooms for them to watch cartoons on the weekends only. Ava decided she would irritate them until they had to tell me. This was at 7:00 so I got 3 hours of sleep. Patches broke the shelf on the fridge I just sold and asked her to wipe off the outside of it. She hid it and didn't tell me. Now I am sure they guy will want his money back. I need the money. Ella is so determined to be a victim she makes up things so she can be pitiful. I know it sounds silly but it is extremely frustrating dealing with her in this area. Overall they were their usual selves until my son flipped out and attacked me like he used to b/c I asked him to put something in the laundry room. I had to hold him for what seemed like forever. I became upset and just let him go. He was so shocked he didn't move.
I ran to my room and cried. I never do this. I feel like I have control over our home and their issues. They just don't get to me, they can act like crazy people and I have never taken it personally before. I know alot of it is I am tired and miss my DH. I came out a few minutes later and only Emma asked what was wrong. No one else cared. They were just as demanding and selfish as usual. I lasted maybe 5 minutes and I flipped out myself. I screamed a bunch of stuff about how wonderful I knew they could be, I am tired of being the only one who cares about anyone, I am not their maid or punching bag, I am tired of wasting all my energy on the kids acting out and little on the kids behaving, and something to the effect of, "If you can't act like you care get out on the porch and come in when you can figure out what you can do to be a productive member of this family." Not my best moment, I know.
Emma and Cyr had not done anything wrong so were exempt from my tirade. Ruthie and Michael came in within seconds to apologize and give me their plan. They were great plans and heart felt. The Patches, Ava, and Ella stayed out there for over 3 hours. They peed on the porch, kicked the house, tried to break the windows, tried to tear up the porch board by board, and screamed. Inside we watched a movie, ate a great lunch, and had a treat all in their line of sight. Eventually they came in one by one and we discussed their plan and mine. They have been half heartedly doing chores since. I feel a bit better and have over heard all of them except the 3 doing chores actually making the changes they promised. They are picking up their toys, being attentive to each other's feelings, gone out of their way to do nice things for me, and have been fun to be around. I am not thinking for a second all their crap is finished but it was nice they pulled it together so I could catch my breath. I feel like dirt about blowing up. I couldn't help it, it has been coming a long time but I feel like maybe they deserve a bit of screaming once every couple of years. Please tell me you all lose it, too. I feel like dirt.
13 comments:
We all blow up once in a while, don't take it to heart. You're human, and a great mom!
Thank God you're human!!!! I was really beginning to wonder......
You are a rockin mom!!!
Hugs, Lisa
I know somewhere on my blog is the story about the day I screamed in the parking lot, "If any of you say one more word I will duct tape all your mouths!"
We all lose it from time to time.
GOSH if anyone has reason to blow up it is you. Maybe it shook them up enough to remember it and not want to see it again!
This is only the second time in two years you've needed space from them? Tudu -- you are superwoman.
Our kids push us to extraordinary lengths. And, while I think it's best that we try to remain calm, when they do push us past our breaking points I think it's good that they see us handle our frustration and anger. You went into your room and cried. You might have raised your voice, but you didn't hit and you didn't give up on them. Yes, they saw you lose a bit of control today. But you were still mom. You were still modeling a healthier way to manage emotions. You didn't hurt them.
It's OK to be real and it's OK to be tired and it's OK to have emotions about all of this.
We all lose it from time to time. Goodness knows I do. If there's anything you can learn from it to help yourself or your kids, then learn the lesson. That's what I always try to do. If there's nothing to learn from it, then just let tomorrow be a new day.
You're a great mom who took on an amazing challenge. There are very few people in this world that could be even a fraction as good as you are for those kids. You're their mom. And you're a great mom.
We all melt down occasionally. What the hell TOOK you so long?! Totally kidding. But then again I have been wondering. I have given the same speech to my daughter after nights of screaming and puking on me (on purpose) like the girl in the Exorcist movie. You are not alone in your actions :)
You are human...our kids figure out (very early on) how to push our buttons and acutally...it's commendable how you were able to separate yourself to regain control. Hang in there!
As someone who isn't a mom, I have a bit of a different POV from other readers. I never went through what your kids have gone through, Tudu, but I was an extremely stubborn and too-smart-for-my-own-good kind of kid, raised by loving and attentive parents. I can remember a couple of occasions when I was throwing a tantrum (sometimes in someone else's home) when my mother "snapped" and said something to me like, "You're behaving like a BRAT. Is that what you want to be?" And even though verbally my reaction was, "Yes!" in truth, until she said it, I hadn't really thought about how other people might be perceiving my behavior. As a 6 or 7 year old, I just had no grasp of the idea that there were perspectives other than mine. Once my mother yelled at me, there was a part of me that went, "Huh. She's RIGHT. Darn it!" and after a moment I was able to pull it together and behave better. It sounds like maybe Michael and Ruthie had similar responses. If my mom had never yelled at me, it might have taken me a lot longer to realize the effects my behavior had on others.
I guess I'm just saying, I think kids NEED their moms to be human. And your kids have one of the best moms a human could be.
Only twice in 2 years - you have the patience of a saint! Seriously, I don't know how you do it. All you've done is show your kids that everyone can get frustrated and upset when other people treat them badly. Sounds like a healthy thing to show them! You showed them that when upset you don't act out against other people. Again a good thing.
Hope the sleep issue is getting a bit better. You do an awesome job with your kids - don't let guilt over being human consume you.
What beautiful children !! And because of You The Mom they have a chance at becoming the beautiful adults they were meant to be. Don't give up -- especially on yourself.
Yondalla -- haha -- another reason (besides car repair) why duct tape is indispensible on the road! -- Rachel
Tudu...never blow up...not possible and anyone who says they don't LIES...your a great mom...your a great woman...is there someone who can come in and help out...not that you would leave but just help??..I know that might cause more turmoil but maybe you could get an even so small break..DH is still weeks from coming home...you have my hugs woman.
Debi
I only have four and I lose it a little at least every few weeks - it is okay, you are better than good
I lock myself in the bathroom all the time. I have to, I have to breathe and you can't breathe with all those kids and their issues. I hear ya, and being human is good!
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