Sunday, April 27, 2008
We had a Major Meltdown Today
The have finally driven me to the point I sobbed. I felt unable to control my voice, my feelings, and my body. No one was hurt but it is only b/c I put them on the back porch. Please understand I would never hurt my children physically but I needed space from 5 of them. This was the second time in 2 years that I got to the point I had to separate myself from them. I did have a point to why they were on the porch but first I will tell you about what brought me to that point.
I am back to having sleeping issues again. It has been a life long issue and I have had it under control for about a year. All of the sudden it is way out of wack again and I panic all night that it will go on forever and the Melatonin won't work anymore. I made the mistake of telling the kids to be quiet in the morning and let me sleep until 8 or so. I put a TV in their rooms for them to watch cartoons on the weekends only. Ava decided she would irritate them until they had to tell me. This was at 7:00 so I got 3 hours of sleep. Patches broke the shelf on the fridge I just sold and asked her to wipe off the outside of it. She hid it and didn't tell me. Now I am sure they guy will want his money back. I need the money. Ella is so determined to be a victim she makes up things so she can be pitiful. I know it sounds silly but it is extremely frustrating dealing with her in this area. Overall they were their usual selves until my son flipped out and attacked me like he used to b/c I asked him to put something in the laundry room. I had to hold him for what seemed like forever. I became upset and just let him go. He was so shocked he didn't move.
I ran to my room and cried. I never do this. I feel like I have control over our home and their issues. They just don't get to me, they can act like crazy people and I have never taken it personally before. I know alot of it is I am tired and miss my DH. I came out a few minutes later and only Emma asked what was wrong. No one else cared. They were just as demanding and selfish as usual. I lasted maybe 5 minutes and I flipped out myself. I screamed a bunch of stuff about how wonderful I knew they could be, I am tired of being the only one who cares about anyone, I am not their maid or punching bag, I am tired of wasting all my energy on the kids acting out and little on the kids behaving, and something to the effect of, "If you can't act like you care get out on the porch and come in when you can figure out what you can do to be a productive member of this family." Not my best moment, I know.
Emma and Cyr had not done anything wrong so were exempt from my tirade. Ruthie and Michael came in within seconds to apologize and give me their plan. They were great plans and heart felt. The Patches, Ava, and Ella stayed out there for over 3 hours. They peed on the porch, kicked the house, tried to break the windows, tried to tear up the porch board by board, and screamed. Inside we watched a movie, ate a great lunch, and had a treat all in their line of sight. Eventually they came in one by one and we discussed their plan and mine. They have been half heartedly doing chores since. I feel a bit better and have over heard all of them except the 3 doing chores actually making the changes they promised. They are picking up their toys, being attentive to each other's feelings, gone out of their way to do nice things for me, and have been fun to be around. I am not thinking for a second all their crap is finished but it was nice they pulled it together so I could catch my breath. I feel like dirt about blowing up. I couldn't help it, it has been coming a long time but I feel like maybe they deserve a bit of screaming once every couple of years. Please tell me you all lose it, too. I feel like dirt.