Monday, September 28, 2009

I'm at the End of My Patience

I'm not sure what will happen if anything else gets piled on.  I feel like I can't possibly take any more.  My chest has never hurt like this.  I feel like someone is stitting on me.  What are my options?  Send them back? Run away?  No.  I'll keep breathing, keep loving them, and keep my promises to them.  It's just really hard not to feel sorry for myself, to fantasize of a life without mental illness ruling my every move. 

Last week when I spoke to the school principal about the SW investigating she tried to pretend she wasn't aware of what was going on.  I knew better.  I knew something changed with her, too.  She had been so understanding and helpful over the Summer, remembered me at Open House, and had been cheerful when we met in the office.  This last conversation she was cold, almost rude.  She brought a witness.

One of our AT's sent me a message this afternoon informing me he had been contacted by the principal.  She feels I am too direct with the children about their issues.  I guess the kids are not aware they have them and I am ruining their lives?  He came to my defense and told her he has nothing but admiration for me and he refused to play "he said, she said".  He will be sitting down with the school and I soon. 

I'm hurt.  I'm angry.  I look like the crazy mother that has Maunchausen by Proxy.  It doesn't make me feel better that my other children know the truth or that my husband knows the truth.  I want the people who see the other side of the kids to know.  Really know, witness it.  I feel almost desperate about it sometimes.  The more they don't see, the more I need them to.  It is a crazy cycle.  If you ask him what he does to me, he will tell you.  Of course, it is in a sweet, almost pitiful voice.  How do I let it go?  How do I decide that it doesn't matter what others think about us, me?  I guess I should just keep my mouth shut and let them think our life is wonderful.  Take the compliments and let them think they are all normal.  I have tried giving them all the information I can find to explain.  It only makes me look like I am trying to explain too much.

My son threw sand at me at the park.  He called me names and refused to stay near me.  He sat in a time out but it was as far away as he could manage and still feel safe.  He hid behind bushes and threw rocks at me.  I ignored him so the other kids could play.  He basically told me that was my punishment for making him got to the park.  Make sense to you?  Me either.  When we got home, he seemed a bit better.  Still on the edge, for sure.  He refused to wipe off the table.  He refused to take his meds.  He shoved all his clean clothes between his mattress and box spring and then crawled in with them laying the mattress on him.  I tried to lure him out.  I tried to reason.  I left him and told him the consequence for his behavior is that he did not do his homework again and he did not shower, he had nearly run out of time and it would be his problem, not mine.  Eventually, he did come out.  I spoke about school and that they might notice these things were not done.  He bawled.  He told me he is being picked on by a peer.  He doesn't know how to respond w/o attacking so he takes it.  The fear they will know how he really is and take him away is always there.  Let me be clear, I always reassure him that his behaviors are not WHO he is, only WHAT he does.  He crawled up in the lap of the lady he had just been calling "a stupid, fat mother *@#&er" just moments before.  He begged me to home school him.  He may hold it together for them but it's hard.  It takes everything he has.  I finally got him calm enough to do his chore, take his meds, shower, and do his homework.  It took him less than 30 minutes.  He loved me again.  He needed me.  I received hugs and kisses with promises to try harder tomorrow.  I promised to love him whether he did or not and he laughed.


Marthavmuffin said...

I am sorry this is happening with you and your son, but at least there are loving moments between you.

Book Lover said...

Okay, I was already praying for you, but now I'm crying for you. Even though your head knows it is the illness that makes these kids treat you disrespectfully, it still must crush your heart. The truth will come out, and you will be vindicated, it is only a matter of time. Until then, keep your head up and know there are people praying for you!!

Kim Chrisman

Kate Herman Mendez said...

Thank God the therapists know what's REALLY going on and can back you up on that one. You are the best mother for these children!
Praying for you and your family..

Lisa said...

Have you read the book, "The Unlit Path" by Deborah Hannah? I highly recommend it if you haven't. In there, she talks about the loss of her reputation after being falsely accused of abusing some of her kids. She was betrayed by people in her church who SHOULD HAVE known her better than that.

I know how you feel about this. I feel like people think I must have M by Proxy because I know entirely too much about medical and mental issues now. I usually just joke that I have learned much more than I ever wanted to know about these issues since I want to help my kids. There are people who compliment my kids (when I know they are manipulating these same people) and I just want to warn them to watch their backs - but I can't anymore because everyone just thinks I'm too critical of my kids. By the time these people figure out on their own that they've been played by 7 and 9 year olds, it's too late - I want nothing more to do with them. I also feel desperate for people to see what I see. It actually has taken 14 years before I could get someone to admit that my son is much more disabled than he appears (well, duh that's typical FASD) and even that is a hollow victory because in the next breath he was saying how he was unable to help him due to the severity of his problems. Hang in there. I think we all want to run away some days.