My son is having the darnedest time keeping his cool. He finds himself pestering every one until he is in trouble. It became so difficult that I asked him to do his homework in his room. I thought that would be enjoyable to him. I was wrong. He destroyed his room and barricaded himself in there. I tried to let it go. I waited. I pushed the door and moved everything out from behind it. No one was injured but he was still in a foul mood. I left after giving him my expectations. Put everything away properly.
I went down stairs and within 10 minutes Ella came down to tell me a sibling was naked in the hall. I knew instantly what was happening and asked that child to come down. She tried to act like it was all a misunderstanding but I knew better. They are NEVER to be undressed outside their bathroom. Period. She stammered and gave in. She was trying to find a way into his room and "relieve some stress". I calmly told her I understood. I asked a few questions to see if anything happened. It did not. I praised her for not doing anything.
I invited Cyr into the conversation by saying, "I think it is a normal reaction to have those feelings. What do you think Cyr?" She stepped up. She shared, she listened. She was the big sister she was meant to be. She did something I never thought she would. She apologized to them for the times in the past when she wasn't safe. She told them she loved them. I am sure it seems simple. It's just an apology. It took almost 2 years for her to say it and mean it. She barely choked out the words. She looked at them when she said it. They instantly curled up and cried harder than I have ever seen. It was healing. They became a team.
We talked about the very real possibility that one child wouldn't be able to speak in court. I asked them to understand she may not be strong enough. She isn't like them. My son said, "It's b/c of what they did to her". He shared what he had seen. It was different than anything else they have come forward with. It is a new charge. They all agreed it would be OK if she couldn't. They would tell the story for her. They would protect her.
This has been one hell of a week. I have been scared, anxious, exhausted, frustrated, and angry. Probably the most emotional week of my life. Tonight made it all worth it. They love each other. They are willing to do something to help one of them. I could not be any more proud to be their mother, to know them. I am the lucky one here. I have amazing children. They are my heroes.
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8 comments:
Tudu, I have one child, one, with RAD. I love my son but he just robs the joy out of living at times. He brings me to my knees at times the depth of his pain and how he lashes out at the world with it. You are dealing with so many children carrying so many battle wounds. I've followed your blog for over a year now and what I have gleaned is that you approach parenting your children with a lot of common sense...a great deal of logical consequences. But most of all, with acceptance and love. Be strong for tomorrow. Hang in there. You saw this evening that your work is paying off through them. You are all on a team. Praying for your family.
I've really enjoy reading your blog for awhile now. I'm amazed at how hard you work to help your kids. Sounds like they had a really cathartic moment together. I'm curious, does Emma ever feel left out? It seems like the other kids are all bonded through shared past (mostly traumatic) experiences. I guess there are a lot more kids in the house with your grandkids and Kiera, but I've always kind of wondered if Emma felt out of place or left out somehow?
--Ann
Ann, that is the biggest thing we worried about when we considered a sibling group. The answer is No. They didn't have a real bond when they came. They had been separated for most of their lives. They accepted her immediately. It hasn't been perfect. They have attacked many times both verbally and physically. We have stiff consequences when they do.
As far as the little family meetings and therapy goes, she is included except for a very few times when she doesn't need to learn the details. For the most part, she sits and listens. She holds hands and hugs. SHe just tries to be as supportive as she can. Last night, Kiera did that. SHe came down to finds then sobbing and went around patting all the backs and asking, "OK?". It made them giggle during a tough moment.
Wow. While I wouldn't wish the current stress your family is having on them at all, I wonder if it's that very stress that helped them with their current breakthrough.
I'm always very much aware that you are parenting children that might not otherwise have had a family or a fighting chance at any healing. You are doing what would seem to be the impossible. I'm amazed at you! I'm so glad there is a Tudu out there in the deep south somewhere, loving these kids. You are an asset to society:) As corny as this sounds, I am sincere.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm in tears at the strength of you all....at the sheer magnitude of your family's story.
Tudu, they're MY heroes too. It's incredible to see them coming together as they get ready to face the trial and to see that you have their backs even when they're making allegations and causing problems. Your family is such an inspiration to me. Thank you all.
Wow that was an emotional...but very powerful night! Hopefully this trial and all the stress and anxiety that comes with it will help in their healing.
It sounds as though you handled the situation fantastic and some real good came from your calm, focused and thoughtful way of handling it!
Hi Tudu. I've read for a very long time, but I don't think I've ever commented. As a child abuse prosecutor and a mom of six (four adopted) I marvel every day at the good and very hard work you are doing on the "front lines" with these kids. I know that this has been a time of immense stress, but sometimes, just sometimes, out of the worst and darkest times comes hope, healing and light. What an amazing breakthrough you had.
They are HEROES indeed. Such a touching, emotional moment. You must to feel so proud. Will be praying for you all tomorrow. Good luck!
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