The Dreaded Visit

She was late and full of personality. I didn't tell the kids until she was on our road. Ella was mad about it and had stomach pains the rest of the night. At least, she didn't puke on her plate like she did last night. She spoke with all the kids separately and asked about a few things. It seems the issues are that Michael had a scratch on his neck and was asked about it by his teacher. He told them I did it trying to pull him out of the closet. He had a mirror in there that I didn't want him to play with when he was mad. Several other kids hurt themselves when they are mad and he has leaned that way a few times. The other thing that she asked a lot about was that I call him crazy and schizophrenic. I was doing it in a mean way when I am mad at him. Most of the kids had no idea what she was talking about. My darling grandson told her I call them crazy when I am joking.

Then it was my turn. She mentioned nothing of the sort. Nothing. I am so offended that someone called about me and it is specifically me, I had a hard time calming myself. She played it off like it was no big deal, I shouldn't be offended and I was overreacting. I had to step away at one point to get the paperwork I had put together for her. She didn't want it. She said if she had to take it, she would have to read it all. I insisted. She mentioned to my DH that she liked that I was so pushy. I told her that was why she was called out, someone didn't like how pushy I am. At one point, she was trying to impress us with her longevity as a SW. I let it slip that it didn't mean she was good at it. I was nervous. I didn't mean she was bad at her job but she didn't seem offended.

After putting some pieces together, I feel there were a few involved in this report. Now this is just my guess but I think the teacher asked him about his neck. He takes an hour to tell a story and she probably was a little confused and spoke with either the Asst Principal or the special ed coordinator who has known us for 2 years (you remember the lady that lied to me about how the county doesn't have a program for emotionally disturbed kids and then got caught? I went over her head and got Patches placed against her wishes and advice. We have butted heads many times over my children and she feels the need to correct me every time I tell her anything about their issues. She doesn't hide her irritation with me at all. SHe went out of her way to tell me in Michael's IEP meeting just a week or so ago that they had a psychologist meet with Michael and they saw no disturbances. She enjoyed telling me that. The same IEP I gave up and just shut the hell up in.). I faxed over a copy of Michael's psychological evaluation from last April and this was in the beginning of his hallucinations. He was only dx'd with RAD and PTSD. His symptoms began increasing and coming to head at the end of summer. After the psych eval was long over. I am sure this lady felt I was lying. The reason I suspect the Asst. Principal is I spoke with her after school started and informed her my son was walking around alone there and was scared they weren't keeping him safe. Did he tell them he felt unsafe? No. He freaked out on me and cried in my lap after explaining he was having inappropriate feelings at school. He was also afraid to go by himself in case he saw something in there. I was told a staff member was in the room when the SW spoke the Michael and she was upset b/c the SW barely asked anything of him. She says she could tell he had issues and didn't need anymore than a few questions and could tell he wasn't in danger. She said the staff member wanted to know why she didn't ask more. It make sense why they Principal and the Asst refused to speak to me alone and required a witness. The other problem I foresee is if they feel i wasn't properly investigated, we will always be watched. They will report everything they see or think they see. It may be over with DFCS but it will never be over there.

I am hurt. Being honest, I am really pissed off. I tried too hard and I made sure they had all the information about my children. I made sure they knew what they should watch for, what we see here. They didn't see it so I must be lying. I was somehow endangering my son. What happens when he attacks me tomorrow and gets a tiny mark on his wrist? He rubs his face into the carpet and has gotten rug burns several times. Will they call then? Of course they will. I am hoping the school the is set straight by our AT. I hope it helps. I am pretty sure it will fall on deaf ears. I don't expect an apology but I won't forgive them without one. They called b/c he had a tiny scratch on his neck over a month ago and they said I call him names. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. One conversation would have cleared it up. Ask one other child anything. Ask me for confirmation about Michael's "hallucinations". I could have gotten the therapist to write it up. I had tried to explain when I sent the evaluation that it was outdated. She blew me off.

I am taking the advice of a brilliant woman, I will act as if they are all perfectly behaved, I have it all together, and I have no idea we are anything but ordinary. Maybe their kid will have a zit so I can report them for not bathing their children. I wouldn't but I will try to remember that when in their office and giggle to myself. If it's not better by the Spring, we will look for a house near my sister. I can't be treated this way long term. I'm too high strung and it's not good for the kids. By my sister's, we would have the support of one of the most powerful people in the area. It would help tremendously. The teen years are approaching and I am sure they won't slide through them gracefully. We will have law enforcement involved. It would be great if they understood, really knew first hand that we were not abusing but the were the abused.

One other thought. I do something silly every time I check out one of the kids. They have a camera attached to the computer you have to check them out of. It makes you take a picture of yourself before you can leave. I always make silly faces. I am not sure why but I do. I got caught by a fellow parent and she laughed really loud and scared me. Maybe they think I am crazy after seeing all the photos?

I have 5 little ones in my room again. Ella has crawled into Kiera's crib, Kiera has crawled into my bed, Michael is at the foot of the bed, Ruthie is partly under my side of the bed, and Ava is all over the place. That child would roll out of the house if there wasn't something in her way. No one wants to sleep next to her b/c she steals your blanket and pillow and then kicks the crap out of you all night. She is so funny, has no idea why you are mad at her.

Did I mention the SW said she had to come out 2 more times? I am not sure why but she is. I have never heard of that. I have heard it is 1 visit, if it is unfounded, they disappear. Any thoughts from those of you that are involved on that end?

She Called

The SW called and she is on her way. She called when the kids were loaded in the van on their way to the park. I let them go and I am waiting here for her. She told me this would be several visits here but this will be the only one with the school age kids. She will need to do a home visit and one for the little kids. Seems a bit much considering she also mentioned she wasn't worried about their safety.

An Emotional Night

My son is having the darnedest time keeping his cool. He finds himself pestering every one until he is in trouble. It became so difficult that I asked him to do his homework in his room. I thought that would be enjoyable to him. I was wrong. He destroyed his room and barricaded himself in there. I tried to let it go. I waited. I pushed the door and moved everything out from behind it. No one was injured but he was still in a foul mood. I left after giving him my expectations. Put everything away properly.

I went down stairs and within 10 minutes Ella came down to tell me a sibling was naked in the hall. I knew instantly what was happening and asked that child to come down. She tried to act like it was all a misunderstanding but I knew better. They are NEVER to be undressed outside their bathroom. Period. She stammered and gave in. She was trying to find a way into his room and "relieve some stress". I calmly told her I understood. I asked a few questions to see if anything happened. It did not. I praised her for not doing anything.

I invited Cyr into the conversation by saying, "I think it is a normal reaction to have those feelings. What do you think Cyr?" She stepped up. She shared, she listened. She was the big sister she was meant to be. She did something I never thought she would. She apologized to them for the times in the past when she wasn't safe. She told them she loved them. I am sure it seems simple. It's just an apology. It took almost 2 years for her to say it and mean it. She barely choked out the words. She looked at them when she said it. They instantly curled up and cried harder than I have ever seen. It was healing. They became a team.

We talked about the very real possibility that one child wouldn't be able to speak in court. I asked them to understand she may not be strong enough. She isn't like them. My son said, "It's b/c of what they did to her". He shared what he had seen. It was different than anything else they have come forward with. It is a new charge. They all agreed it would be OK if she couldn't. They would tell the story for her. They would protect her.

This has been one hell of a week. I have been scared, anxious, exhausted, frustrated, and angry. Probably the most emotional week of my life. Tonight made it all worth it. They love each other. They are willing to do something to help one of them. I could not be any more proud to be their mother, to know them. I am the lucky one here. I have amazing children. They are my heroes.

A Beacon

I am so out of sorts that I brought Cyr to her dentist appointment 2 hours early. She is so desperate to get away from me that she chose to return to school even though she can't eat or feel a thing in her mouth. She is afraid we will have to talk about her recent incident. I don't blame her. I am taking the advice of a reader here and reporting it to law enforcement.

When I dropped off Cyr back at the school, I dreaded delivering the packet of letters. I could literally feel my heart in my chest. I was told the principal was busy and asked for a guidance counselor. After waiting about 10 minutes or so, I noticed the principal standing in the back of the desk. She asked how I was and I was honest. I needed to speak to her. I feared I'd get the same response I do from the other school officials when I need to speak to them. No. She was came right over. I explained what has happened and she immediately became supportive. She gets it. She really gets it. I can't believe how incredibly lucky we have been with that school, both the regular middle school and the psych-educational program in there have renewed my faith in people. She didn't need me to tell her to ask a few more questions before reporting us if the need ever arose, she told me first. I am not expecting anyone to break any rules for us. I encourage them to report us, if they still do not get the situation cleared up.

She said it was no problem to excuse the kids during the week of the trial for the days they miss b/c of the extenuating circumstances. I wish we could clone them over there and pass them around. It is the first time I have felt safe and accepted in a school. She has no idea how much she helped.

All I kept thinking all night is we will have to move to a new school system. I fear for our continued safety here if the other school can't be reasoned with. I am aware this seems extreme. My DH has been more than willing to point that out but it doesn't change the fear I feel. I am the one they are targeting. I feel very attacked and defensive. I become defensive easily on a good day, these are worst case scenario days.

Only 1 more day before I wake up and make a 2 hour drive that will take 3 b/c of traffic.

Still no word from the SW. I am irritated. This afternoon I am calling her supervisor. I hate to make her mad but come on already.

Deep Breaths

I'm trying to remember to take them....

Oh, Come On

I went up to watch TV about 10:30.  I noticed a light on in one of the bedrooms and decided to see if someone was having a hard time sleeping or texting WAY past their bedtime.  It was the latter.  No biggie, I asked for the phone and scrolled down to see if she had been sending messages or just receiving.  She was guilty.  As I was leaving the room, I scanned the texts.  Inappropriate and shocking. The phone is now mine. 

My DH took a few minutes to look deeper into the messages after I told him. He found a picture.  It had been sent to someone in CA.  A friend of a friend, like that makes it better.  Then we noticed she had been exchanging texts with 2 boys.  One is the neighbor of the same friend.  I do not know if the friend had any idea it had happened.  I will be asking, she is usually pretty honest when caught so I will tell her Mom if she was. 

I believe this is the first time she has tried this crap.  It seemed both boys initiated. She is not innocent, by any means.  She was sobbing when she was caught.  That may be good, we'll have to see if it was for getting caught or she has shame.  I am disappointed.  I'll get over it.  She will make many more mistakes before we are through.  She has lost our trust again and that should hurt her pretty deeply, if she is as bonded as we believe.  If not, this will just help us dig in deeper.  The only person truly hurt by this is her.  It is just the icing on the cake for me.

Do not hesitate to let me know if you see a post that has revealed too much about a child in the earlier posts.  I appreciate it, Ania, I thought I had fixed all the posts regarding that child's name.  That is the only behavior I feel the need to hide, the rest are understandable or forgivable even by a complete stranger.  That one, not so much.   

I'm at the End of My Patience

I'm not sure what will happen if anything else gets piled on.  I feel like I can't possibly take any more.  My chest has never hurt like this.  I feel like someone is stitting on me.  What are my options?  Send them back? Run away?  No.  I'll keep breathing, keep loving them, and keep my promises to them.  It's just really hard not to feel sorry for myself, to fantasize of a life without mental illness ruling my every move. 

Last week when I spoke to the school principal about the SW investigating she tried to pretend she wasn't aware of what was going on.  I knew better.  I knew something changed with her, too.  She had been so understanding and helpful over the Summer, remembered me at Open House, and had been cheerful when we met in the office.  This last conversation she was cold, almost rude.  She brought a witness.

One of our AT's sent me a message this afternoon informing me he had been contacted by the principal.  She feels I am too direct with the children about their issues.  I guess the kids are not aware they have them and I am ruining their lives?  He came to my defense and told her he has nothing but admiration for me and he refused to play "he said, she said".  He will be sitting down with the school and I soon. 

I'm hurt.  I'm angry.  I look like the crazy mother that has Maunchausen by Proxy.  It doesn't make me feel better that my other children know the truth or that my husband knows the truth.  I want the people who see the other side of the kids to know.  Really know, witness it.  I feel almost desperate about it sometimes.  The more they don't see, the more I need them to.  It is a crazy cycle.  If you ask him what he does to me, he will tell you.  Of course, it is in a sweet, almost pitiful voice.  How do I let it go?  How do I decide that it doesn't matter what others think about us, me?  I guess I should just keep my mouth shut and let them think our life is wonderful.  Take the compliments and let them think they are all normal.  I have tried giving them all the information I can find to explain.  It only makes me look like I am trying to explain too much.

My son threw sand at me at the park.  He called me names and refused to stay near me.  He sat in a time out but it was as far away as he could manage and still feel safe.  He hid behind bushes and threw rocks at me.  I ignored him so the other kids could play.  He basically told me that was my punishment for making him got to the park.  Make sense to you?  Me either.  When we got home, he seemed a bit better.  Still on the edge, for sure.  He refused to wipe off the table.  He refused to take his meds.  He shoved all his clean clothes between his mattress and box spring and then crawled in with them laying the mattress on him.  I tried to lure him out.  I tried to reason.  I left him and told him the consequence for his behavior is that he did not do his homework again and he did not shower, he had nearly run out of time and it would be his problem, not mine.  Eventually, he did come out.  I spoke about school and that they might notice these things were not done.  He bawled.  He told me he is being picked on by a peer.  He doesn't know how to respond w/o attacking so he takes it.  The fear they will know how he really is and take him away is always there.  Let me be clear, I always reassure him that his behaviors are not WHO he is, only WHAT he does.  He crawled up in the lap of the lady he had just been calling "a stupid, fat mother *@#&er" just moments before.  He begged me to home school him.  He may hold it together for them but it's hard.  It takes everything he has.  I finally got him calm enough to do his chore, take his meds, shower, and do his homework.  It took him less than 30 minutes.  He loved me again.  He needed me.  I received hugs and kisses with promises to try harder tomorrow.  I promised to love him whether he did or not and he laughed.

Sparkling Personality?

I am trying to embrace this new found vulnerability.  I am nervous what people will think knowing what is really going on here and in my head.  On some level, I had always hoped to open it up but the fear kept me from intentionally do it.  It's not like people will scream in my face but a few may stop talking to me.  It's not like I have a lot of extra friends to spare.  LOL  Maybe it will be a good thing.  Maybe people will understand us better.  We are not freaks, I swear.  OK, I lied. We are.  I always tell the kids before entering a public place or being social, "Don't let your freak out in here.  Let's pretend we are normal." or "Keep your crazy contained.".  They joke about this or that kid letting their freak out on the bus or losing some crazy in the store.      

I am getting quite nervous about the Plea Hearing Thursday.  I picked out my outfits for it and the trial last week.  I can't sleep.  I was up until after 3AM.  Nothing works.  It is so stressful waiting for DFCS to investigate bogus claims of neglect while waiting to testify against my children's birth parents.  I never imagined both would fall in the same time period.  We knew an investigation would eventually happen, it is almost guaranteed when you adopt children with needs like ours. 

Speaking of the investigation, I called the SW this morning to see what he heck is taking so long.  I told her how traumatizing this is on the kids.  I explained, once again, they are 9 days from testifying against their parents.  She was completely surprised they were upset.  I mentioned something to the effect of, "You must be new to this."  How could it not have even crossed her mind that the children would be freaked out just a bit?  They were in foster care their entire lives.  They were removed by DFCS 5 times from their birth family.  They were removed from more than 12 foster homes by DFCS for a variety of reasons.  DFCS means we might not be forever.  They already fear that.  We have had them 3 years and they still worry they will have to leave us.  DFCS is the entity that reminds them of their neglect, abuse, and eventual legal disconnect with their parents.  How can you do this for a living and not get that?  She also told me she would put them at ease with her personality and tell them they will not be leaving with her.  The statement will help but it will not fix it.  She is convinced it will fix it.  I hope this turns out to be a big misunderstanding.  Maybe she was just joking and I didn't get the joke?  She did seem to be cheery and even giggle a little.  She claims to be very experienced, she has been a SW since the 80s.  She took time off but is back now.  All I could think of was what the SWs were like in the 80s.  I remember the ones I knew of in the 80s and worked with in the 90s were not educated on the issues we deal with here.  So much has changed.  If you are the praying type, we could use them now.  Back to the call, still no appointment to do our home visit.  She did say she could come out here and see me and then see the kids a different visit.  Now we are up to 3 visits.  Our AT said the SW was required to visit the home within 5 days.  We are at day 11.  I am sure the flood slowed her down a bit.  I can not blame her for that but I am getting more nervous .  Maybe I'll sleep next month.

We can hear Fall is coming.  Most feel it, see it, or smell it.  We hear it here.  The acorns stop dropping.  They hit the house, the cars, but worst of all, we have no where to hide.  They pelt us on the head.  You can't zig zag between them.  It is almost like the squirrels are throwing them at us.  You never get hit just once, from the carport to the van I can look forward to at least 3 or 4 welts.

In Real LIfe

If you are new here and know us IRL, please forgive me if I offend you in any way. I am not going back to take out the little vents about the school, teachers, or birth families of our children, if there are any. If something hurts your feelings, I am sorry. I have felt very misunderstood and defensive many times from your actions or your colleagues. I do know it is not intentional on your part. I know it's not always your fault. It is how I feel, at that time.

I never thought this would be shared with people that know us. For this very reason, I will be a bit more guarded about which child is doing what. I will still be sharing way too much information but I do not want to share who in some instances. It will take time, I will be going back and fixing some of the more embarrassing moments for the kids by making it less obvious who it was.

I just got back from delivering the packets of letters and explanation of what Complex PTSD is and how it affects our lives. The response varied drastically. Most were kind, one began telling me how we had too many kids and were a danger to his family. He tried to get my goat and I felt myself becoming defensive. I back down and tried to explain how we manage. I eventually realized that I was never going to make him understand. He will be looking for reasons to attack us.

The family I really wanted to talk to were not home. I did speak with another bus driver on our street and felt like she understood. It was hard to do. I am glad it is almost over. I will finish up tomorrow night.

Coping

Before Cyr left for her week long vacation, she let something slip. She DOES remember the sexual abuse that happened to her brother. We had long feared it was do to her own guilt, for not saving them or for being forced to participate. Still not sure which it is but am thrilled she is finally acknowledging she was there.

Patches is very worried she will not be able to speak when the time comes. I think all the adults in her life have the same fear. We are trying to find ways to keep her from disassociating at the very first question. She immediately shuts down and is unable to speak. You can see her body change and her eyes turn down. She is the bravest child I know. She was the first to tell. She was met with anger by her siblings. She stood her ground. We are trying to help her see that she is saving her siblings and she has control over her own body. She doesn't have to do anything except answer the questions. They will be very easy, simple questions. She can do this. I am not sure she will. I can say that we have had the best week ever with her. She is too frightened to focus on irritating anyone.

I would love to peel the twins off my leg. Their way of coping seems to be to ask me 400 questions a minute. Ruthie and Michael have been sleeping every chance they get.

I'm off to spend the rest of a rainy day snuggling.

Random Things

Patches froze up and refused to speak in a family group today. She even scooted her chair all the way back to the wall in protest. Darn it, what was I thinking giving her a compliment just moments before.

Kids decided to change it up and let Gia have the spotlight at Walmart. She has learned a lot from their fits and put on quite the show.

Michael admitted to the AT that he had plans to make false allegations against me. He also said I have done nothing mean to him. He's just mad about the trial. Good thing this session was taped, huh?

I am very tired today. My wrist feels a tiny bit better but my forearm that he gnawed on is extremely tender.

Our ATs decided I needed peer support and introduced me to another mother with 7 adopted children. She has a small support group on the other side of town that I will going to if I have to tie the kids to the bumper. (You know I am kidding, right?)

Still no word from the SW here. I do know she has spoken with our old OT and received a glowing reference.

We miss Cyr terribly. SHe went to her friend's house on Tuesday and then her the friend's father's home. This is the longest time she has ever been gone. It is so quiet here without her. I know it sounds weird but it's true. She always gets the kids dancing and singing with videos. They keep asking for her to come home. My DH said, "Never again!". LOL He still thinks he is in charge, too.

School has been out all week. I will be sending them Monday regardless. What about me? I need a break, too!

Getting nervous about testifying on Thursday at their Mother's Plea Hearing.

Who Knew?

I have only uploaded 1 video to YouTube. I had no idea that I linked that account to my Facebook account. When I uploaded the video of Michael's fit today, it took a very long time. I decided to let it load and go lay the baby down. When I came back, it was on FB! I had set it to private and I didn't even save it before it was posted there. It embarrassed Cyr and it really wasn't a video that did anything but prove he does scream and threaten. He went completely limp and stopped attacking me the second the tape rolled. I panicked and couldn't get the darn thing off there. I could kick myself but I have a family member that has volunteered to do that for me.

The Stress is Getting to Him

Michael went off on me about an hour ago. I asked him to drop a dirty wash cloth he had been using down the clothes chute. He ignored me intentionally and went to the laundry room directly. Eddie was down there waiting for me to finish showering and Michael was supposed to go to his room to wait. The boys are not allowed any alone time. It is very clear. He was trying to provoke me. I followed him and sent him to his room. He flipped out. He began screaming he hates me and starting kicking me. I hollered at Eddie to open his door for a witness. Ella soon came running after she heard him scream, "I'm gonna beat the crap out of you!". Ruthie wasn't far behind. I asked them to stay calm b/c they started to get angry and wanted to defend me. A few minutes of his screaming and then I hollered out in pain. He had managed to bite my forearm very hard. I pushed my arm into his mouth and got it free. It wasn't my only injury. My left wrist had a sharp pain and was throbbing. I barley held on until Patches got the video camera going. He threatened to go limp when it was turned on. He did. I was able to let go even though he was calling me horrible names and making threats. He plans on telling the SW I beat him. If she doesn't "put me in jail" he will tell his teacher b/c she likes him, or the police. Once the camera is on, he is like a dead man. He won't move. I kept talking to the other kids, trying to keep Ruthie from slipping away. She did an amazing job and kept letting me know she was OK. When I tried to get up and put pressure on my hand, it gave way. The pain seemed to get a bit better as long as I didn't move it. The second I squeeze anything(a remote, hold a brush, squeeze toothpaste out) the pain comes back full force with a sharp one that leads to more throbbing. I will not be able to hold him in a basket hold. I am not sure I can take him down. Once there, I could manage. This is a real problem. Without my left hand, we are all in danger.

The second the camera went off, he became the sweet child we see most of the time. He was kind and worried about what he had done. He laid his head against my chest and and kinda snuggled in. How do they switch so fast? At least we caught the screaming curse words on film this time. I am going out of my way to protect us by videoing the rages, documenting the events, and photos of the marks he makes on me and the ones he doesn't have. It's about all I can do.

My DH is almost done. For the first time today, he stated he has to go into RTC. He is seeing so much more since he is home with us. I think we should wait until after the trial. I believe things will settle down when his emotions aren't so high. For now, we just need to protect ourselves.

Oh, one more thing. Their parents are being araigned today for the 3 new charges that the Grand Jury added last week.

Getting It Over

I called the SW and left a message with directions on how to reach my house from the interstate. We can now come and go with a few extra turns. I think it is safe to assume she will show up unannounced any time. She seems really nice so I hope she is in person, as well. At this point, I do not have any concerns that this will go farther. I am concerned that it has given my son power. He is controlling us. I have tried to deescalate the situation but in a rage last night, he screamed he wasn't going to tell her the truth. It was a moment that made me glad we have adopted so many children. He can't get away with this. We are debating about a consequence for causing all this. We had hoped the investigation itself would be the consequence but it is turning out not to be as effective as we hoped. I do not think we will come up with anything further but it is tempting. He is and has been forced to stay within my line of sight. Every chance he has been giving has backfired. HE is mean to the kids and seems focused on irritating Patches so she will attack him. The entire time, acting like the victim. He can be such a little turd when he wants to. He is so charming and can manage a tear at just the right moment. None of us fall for it but I can see why others do. He is adorable and lays on the baby talk thick. That side of him has been what helped me love him. He has such a sweetness about him, at times.

Not much else to report. The kids are out of school until Monday. Cyr has abandoned us for her friend. My DH is having stomach pains so severe that he is threatening to go to the hospital. Kids are stir crazy from lack of entertainment and I really need to get out of the house.

Water!!!!!!

Barely but it is enough to shower with. We are waiting until they are all done with those so I can start doing laundry and dishes. Everything is loaded and waiting for me to push the right button.

My Pipes Are Screaming

I hope that means water is coming! I promise, you people can not imagine, unless it has happened to you, how awful it has been without water and so many wetter and poopers. Thank goodness, I had a case of baby wipes here or I would have been forced to tie them up outside until the water pressure returned. Since they are wetters, they wet the bed nightly. It manages to seep out even with a pull up on. They have all become extremely regular since we have been without water. Someone even spread it around for me to see how regular they are. One child pooped himself b/c they didn't like being told to change his wet shorts, AGAIN. He sure showed me. He smelled so bad that he had to leave the room while we ate and return to eat alone.

Upon first glance, my home looks clean. Almost too clean for so many people (only b/c we expect a visit from a SW and I am paranoid she will think I am a bad mother b/c there is a toy on the floor). It is clear when you look at the baseboards and on top of shelves that it is clean down deep. Once you step in the kitchen, it is another story. I have neatly stacked the 400 cups and plates in one side of the sink. The other is empty, hopefully giving the impression we are organizing our filth. What would blow you away is the stench. I have long since run out of any smell good spray. It wasn't helping hide anything, just mixed with it giving off a slightly different noxious gas. The laundry room seems to have the worst smells of all. The days and days of urine soaked bedding has begun to permeate the walls. Basically, do not stop over until I can do some wash and bathe some kids if you value your sense of smell.

I Spoke to Her

I removed the post with the links to the pictures of our area. To see local devastation you can see 1300 photos that have been taken by folks and posted here. We are still stuck here. We have found a way to the store and purchased more water and drinks. Still no word on how long it will take to get water to our area. Our main interstate is still closed.

I called the SW yesterday after not hearing from her and left a message. She returned my call about 5:45 PM and discussed her inability to get her. We agreed I would call when she could. I asked if I could start faxing our paperwork over and she was surprised I was so eager to get this all done. She had been very surprised I had tried to hunt her down after not hearing from her on Monday. She did let me know she didn't feel we were a priority case. In other words, she feels this will be unfounded. I quickly faxed over letters from our old OT, Lisa, and our ATs. I had a hard time faxing over his psychological evaluation due to the number of pages, 24. It is already outdated even though it was done in April of this year. It barely mentions his hallucinations, paranoia, delusional thinking, and the true danger he is to us. Since everyone is so careful not to label him, it is my word that he has Schizo-Affective Disorder even though he meets all the criteria and has for 6 months.

When I can shower again, I plan on traveling to all the people on our street that the kids could possibly walk to when they are "running away" and give them copies of the amazing letters that so many wrote regarding our children, their needs, and our parenting that has helped them heal so much of their past hurts. I will also be sending copies of them and the letter form DFCS saying it was all unfounded to the school. I now have a lovely little file made just for this and future investigations. I have begun documenting our contact. I will be prepared for them. I will drown the poor SW with all the evidence I can that supports our family. We do not abuse our children, they (due to their mental illnesses) abuse us. We do not hold it against them but rather try to teach them other ways to let out their feelings. They have gotten so much better over the last 3 years. They have so far to go.

I almost forgot to mention that last night, poor Rosa, tried to return home to see her kids on her birthday. After several hours of driving back streets, she ended up in tears at the Best Western an hour South from us. We will be rescheduling her birthday.

It Gets Worse

We will not have water for DAYS. Days with this many little stinky boogers. D.A.Y.S. Let it sink in. No toilets, no dish washing, no laundry, and no showers. Our kids are hygienically challenged, at best. This is not going to be fun.

It gets worse. There will not be school until the water mains are fixed. So far they have canceled Tues and Wed with the understanding that it may take longer.

DFCS is supposed to come out at some point during this Stinkfest. I hope she brings her nose plugs and own drinking water.

No Water?

We had some of the worst thunderstorms that I can remember. It went on all night long. The kids were frightened and a few came and slept on the floor in our room. We had kids in there and I was so excited when I realized we had that many. Usually it's Emma, even Michael has stopped coming in again. Ava, Ruthie, and Eddie were camped out in their sleeping bags all over.

I decided to let them sleep in since they couldn't stand outside and wait for the bus in a thunderstorm. I planned on driving them to school. They all got up and got dressed quickly. Then they tried to brush their teeth. No Water! Air came out of the faucet. My DH got up and came down to turn on the TV. We realized that the flooding had broken one of the main pipes and our county has no water. Our county! We wondered if that would close the schools so we changed to the county station and NO SCHOOL. The roads in our area are flooded out. They are gone!

Much to my surprise, many of the kids asked to go back to bed. They all complained they had been up all night and were exhausted. Too bad I had already had a cup of coffee b/c now I can't join them.

I'm hoping the flooded streets keep the SW away while they are home. It would be so much easier if she waited until they are in school.

A Protection Letter

Someone asked what it is. It is a letter from our current therapist or psychologist that explains the dx and behaviors that may been seen by others. It basically defends us when the police are called. We misplaced it or someone took it. I used to have several copies and one scanned in our computer, until it crashed. We used to use it to show store personnel and officers that it wasn't MY fault they were misbehaving or having to be restrained in the middle of aisle 4. We have had MANY public issues that included an attack on me physically. It doesn't always help but it does kinda back up what I am telling them.

I have since made small business cards that explained our situation b/c it was easier for strangers to understand. I have changed it over the last year but ended up with:

We are an adoptive family. Our children have severe emotional disorders and/or mental illnesses from a very traumatic childhood before coming to us. Our way of parenting sometimes seems strange but we are doing what is best for them and are under the care of professionals. We are sorry if we have disturbed you and appreciate your patience while we cope with life. Do not touch the children for your safety. Feel free to call 911. If you'd like to understand our struggles better, please visit us at www.tudusamom.blogspot.com

People back off and since I encourage them to call for assistance, they usually believe me. It makes the incredibly emotional situation less of pain since I do not have to explain to EVERY person that stops by while I am on the floor why my kids act this way or what they have done. It is less embarrassing for them b/c I do not give their life story out accidentally trying to defend myself. I tend to be the target 99.9% of the time. I not only have to worry about the child I am holding and the other kids that are escalating but the well meaning stranger, too. I do not always react with dignity and grace. In the beginning, I was afraid and like a wounded animal, I would snap at them.

Just being curious, anyone here received a card? Leave a comment, do it anonymously or tell me not to post it and I won't. Remind me of how we met. For all I know, no one has ever actually looked here afterward.

In Control Again

I feel so much better with just a couple days between that awful call and me. Armed with Lisa's suggestions, I am nearly ready. I think I have covered all my bases and have things in order. I have gathered proof that these behaviors happened long before they came to us. I found so many things in that original box of files that proves from 19 months old, my son had problems emotionally. Proof they came damaged and have only healed here. I spoke with the wonderful adoption agency that we worked with and listened intently to them point me in the right direction for further proof by way of case plans from the very beginning. I have tried to keep all their paperwork in the same place so I was able to locate it in minutes. I have had many wonderful people in our lives write incredible letters about our strength, ability to parent such traumatized children, and our obvious love for them. If nothing else comes from this, I feel stronger in my commitment to keep parenting all of them. It is almost as if those very people are holding me up in this terrible time. I can't thank them enough for running to our rescue.

Most made the letters general so we may keep copies and use them in future. We will be more proactive now and address the possibility of further involvement of our neighbors. We will be handing out copies of our protection letter to all of them. The teachers and school will get the new copy of it, as well. We have tried to keep some of this private for their sake. Now we worry about our safety and need to make sure we are here to keep them safe. I will not be telling them private things but will be letting them all know what their current behaviors are and who they can call BEFORE calling DFCS.

We are so much luckier than most families. We have several professionals that have spent enormous amounts of time in our home, watching us parent and seeing the struggles the children have had. We have witnesses and videos to their self injurious behaviors. Most do not. I have this blog to show that this has happened many many times and I haven't posted about 2/3 of it. I know in my head that all will be fine. How could it not be with letters from the Asst. Chief of Police and his wife, our OT that has specialized in mental health, our wonderful ATs, our Psychiatrist, former foster parents, an eloquent fellow special needs mother, Emma's birth mother, a detective that has followed us for a year and half, and my sibling group's birth family?

Enough about me and my emotional roller coaster. The kids are nervous but seem to feed off our energy. I am confident and they feel it. I KNOW this will be OK. They still ask many times an hour, what will she do, who will she talk to, what should they say, and what time will she come? We sat all of them down Friday and told them what was happening. We answered these questions before they could ask. They still ask over and over. I know it weighs heavy on their minds. They are rotating their worry between the trial and DFCS. The surprise is they are all extremely well behaved. They are holding on to me and talking about their fears. They are fantastic. I am sure when they can breath again, they will make me pay. I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts.....

Welcome Me To The Club

It has finally happened. We knew it would. We have expected it for some time. We are being investigated by DFCS. They have spoken to the elementary kids at school and called me after. I am sure my little ones are freaking out since that is where they have been removed from time after time. A total of 5 times in their short lives. I am confident it came from the neighbor bus driver. She spoke with the other drivers about us and they asked my children the situation at home. Someone was concerned enough abut my son that they felt they had to call. I know they are trying to protect him and do not understand that I actually need the protection from that sweet and adorable boy. It is heartbreaking and not over. I will update when it is appropriate.

Thank you Lisa. You helped me get my mind straight instead of just standing there freaking out. You are one of the dearest people I have ever met. I am proud to call you my friend.

I wasn't speaking to any of my regular readers when I vented about someone stalking me here. I love that so many of you find comfort or are educated here. Many of you are families just like ours. I was only speaking of my family that I am estranged from that peek in here looking for all the bad stuff. They want to see if we are divorcing and such. They aren't reading my blog in order or even the current events, They are looking for the gossip.

New Eligibility

Michael has been receiving special ed services at school through the Significantly Developmentally Delayed eligibility. At 9, they must do testing and find an accurate one for them. It is a catch all for most kids to get services. So I went to meet with them and see what they could come up with. They used his private Psychological Evaluation and did some additional testing of their own. He will now receive services through Specific Learning Disability eligibility. He will be spending some time in the Resource Room as well as continue to have a special ed teacher co teach with a reg ed teacher in the classroom. They added Math to his list of needs and he will continue with Speech for an hour a week.

I am fine with it all. I tried to keep in mind that they see a different child. They see the child I would love to know. I hear all about how cooperative he is for them. It hurts. I want a child that sits quietly and does what he is asked. It feels like people judge me based on how different he is for them. I know to them it looks like it is me. They explained they had a Psychologist speak with him and he showed no signs of any disturbances. They don't say a word about it being my imagination, perhaps it is my paranoia. I feel judged. As much training as I have received, as much as I am and have been watched in our home, I still look like an idiot to the untrained eye. It hurts my feelings, deeply. It is not their fault. The other professionals in our lives say the nicest things, they trust my judgement, my skills, and are amazed at how far they have all come. They understand and explain why this is happening. He was removed from his parents numerous times from school. He was abused at home. Where would you behave? The school only sees that I am the one that has the difficult child so it must be me. I made sure they did what they thought was best for him this time with no real input from me. Only they know that child. Nothing I say about my child could help them with theirs.

Hey Girls!

I can see you. I hope you are getting your eyes full. I can see everything you search for and what you are interested in. It is sad you are so interested in me. Don't you have your own lives?

Welcome! Enjoy yourselves! I hear it is a good read. It is as close as you will get to us.

3 More Charges!!!

I took the kids to meet with the Asst. D. A. and take a peek at the courtroom they will be testifying in. They didn't ask a single question and I had to force them to climb up the few stairs to the witness stand. They were exceptionally behaved. There was a couple of hours of sitting in a Jury Room coloring and playing with the teddy bear they each brought. The A.D.A. took each child separately and talked to them about themselves. Their likes and dislikes. Their current grade and teachers. What they want to be when they grow up. She is full of personality and made them feel as comfortable as she could. There was no speak of the abuse. She did ask if they knew what a promise was and if they could tell her the difference between the truth and a lie. Her examples didn't work for all of them and I had to help explain a little bit. She is a little dynamo and I fully expect her to nail this.

Cyr was aloof. She came across as almost irritated we were wasting her time. It was her way of keeping her emotions away. She was a little snit to me last night about how she wasn't worried but I was driving her crazy b/c I was obviously nervous. This morning she asked for anti anxiety meds. LOL At least she knows when to ask for help.

Patches shut down. Completely. She was so stressed she couldn't speak. She is mortified there will be people there. It may be a real problem. We will try to pump her up and see if we can help her. The A.D.A. will try to engage her in small talk about her snakes and a boy at school to see if she can loosen her up. My fingers are crossed.

Ruthie was Ruthie. She rocked the entire conversation, hard. She agreed to everything and understood nothing. At one point, she told her she wasn't going to talk about them b/c it was too hard. She wasn't being difficult, she was just confused. She will answer any question you ask her about the abuse, if you are direct. She should be fine. I am sure she will have lots of tears when she sees her father.

Michael went first and regressed to baby talk. It was hard to listen to but I said nothing. She has a very hard time getting out his words so it took a long time. He was quiet and kept his head down. She was surprised he was 9, he presents himself like a 4 or 5 yr old.

Ella was quiet and very strong. She was adorable. She was very scared. She is now wetting during the day, she has never done this before. She is one of the most committed to making sure they get consequences for their actions. I think she will cry quite a bit but be very convincing about what happened.

Ava bawls the instant it is brought up. Sobs and can't catch her breath. She is is now admitting she has memories of them touching her and has said it to the A.D.A. She is worried about testifying but she is prepared to tell the truth.

The A.D.A. and I spoke briefly afterward, she was amazed at how different they each were. She wasn't aware at how delayed they all are. She told me she had been able to add 3 additional charges to their case. Are you ready? They now each have 15 cts of Child Molestation, 1 ct of Aggravated Child Molestation, and .......3 cts of Aggravated Sexual Battery! I am sure some of you are wondering why I am so excited. This is a huge step above Aggravated CM. This carries a much higher sentence. With that said, she is not hopeful the Judge will give him many more years since his track record is so liberal. It just helps make sure he gets enough time.

I will be testifying at the mother's plea hearing on the 1st. I will be allowed to tell her what the children have told me they want to tell her. I will be under oath but we all feel it is important to let her know they still love her and are grateful she has stepped up and become the mother she never was. They will never trust her but do forgive her. I will help them solidify her role as a victim. They will sentence her the same time he is sentenced.

I will be the first witness of his trial. I am nervous as I can be. We worked out the schedule for the kids turns. I am sure there is more but the kids are all up in a roar. I will post it when I can think straight again. OK, that implies NEVER.

Forgive me Kerry and Lisa, I had every intention of calling you and telling you personally about it before I posted. I can't get a call out without them on my rear. Everyone is on top of me tonight.

Hanging in There

Overall, it was a good afternoon. Their anxiety is definitely up but they are behaving very well. Any minor issues we have had turn to tears instantly. Ella is wetting daily for the first time in 2 + yrs and can't sleep so she is chewing Melatonin at night to help. We go tomorrow to see the courthouse and meet with the D.A.

I spoke briefly with the Deputy at the middle school and warned her of the possibility of media involvement. I really don't think it will come to that b/c they are minor children. It turns out that our case is not normal b/c the children were adopted and out of the system before the investigation began. DFCS didn't have any part of this and even tried to stop it. Legally, the children that were violated no longer exist.

We have been asked by numerous professionals involved in our situation if we have considered suing DFCS for their obvious neglect and endangerment of our children while they were in their custody. I am not one for suing. I do fell these children were wronged by the system over and over. Many of their problems came from their parents but so many more were from DFCS dropping the ball. They knew their father had been accused of raping his sisters, his sisters were in care when they began investigating him for neglecting his own children. They are the only ones that had this information about him and ignored that the children were extremely sexualized. Even denied every hearing about it when a former foster mother insisted she had reported it numerous times. They insisted this family was perfect for an open relationship "we have never had a better family for that possibility". They were involved with DFCS for 7 yrs when they were adopted. It is heartbreaking. If I thought it would make a difference to the kids or other children, I would. I am not convinced we could win against them even though they dropped the ball so many times.

Patches refused to go outside and meet her bus b/c she kept seeing a black cat pacing on our porch. Fore her, it's not that the cat is scary, it's that she is not sure if it is real. If it was real, she would go out. Because she fears it is not, she is afraid. She said she closed her eyes and it went away for a minute, then it came back. She rarely trusts me about the hallucinations anymore. I have stopped trying to make her understand they are not real, I learned quickly that wasn't the way to go. Instead, I try to help her understand that they can't hurt her and I will keep her safe. I walked her out and told the bus driver what was happening and she could expect this to happen a lot over the coming weeks. I called the school and reminded them to give her her meds if she became anxious over the hallucinations. They seem to really be on the ball.

SHe spoke and Had an Idea!

Patches is doing better in some ways and worse in others. Today is a day to mark your calenders. She has only spoken briefly a few times in therapy, today she spoke and quite a bit. Before the AT came in, I tried to get her in a good mood and giggle a bit. I told her not to worry, she wasn't in trouble (I do this every time we go, multiple times to help her anxiety). I told her today was all about me. I wanted to talk about how awesome I am. I told her to feel free to compliment me all I deserved. I gave her ideas of things to say and she lifted her head to shake it. She quietly told me she wanted to talk about how her and Michael are bickering more and more. I almost fell off the sofa. She had a topic, a plan, a concern about her relationship and quality of home life b/c of it. I can't tell you how happy I was. She is so proud of herself. She also admitted to accidentally hurting the baby last week and feeling like a turd about it.

Emotions are still running high here. I am trying to keep them as busy as possible to keep their minds of their fear of testifying.

We are watching Bolt tonight and eating huge batches of Chili Cheese Fries.

I Should Have Known Better

I asked the school secretary if I needed to send in a copy of the subpoenas to have their absences excused. She asked me when they would be out and I said the trial is the week of such and such. She said they would need a separate sheet for each child and then said it would have to come from the courts. No problem. Then she said they can't be excused for that week except on the day they testify. I explained it was out of town, there were many kids that would be required to be there, and that I can't promise they wouldn't waste a day out of the week out of school but not testifying b/c they had to wait or got postponed until the next day. We all have to be available until we testify at a moments notice. She wouldn't budge, they will not be excused.

In my county, if one of my children miss more than 10 days for any reason, excused or not, I can be fined and/or jailed. I am sure you are thinking, what child misses 10 days of school, right? Mine do. I take all my elementary school kids to AT every week. We try to do it in the afternoon so when I check them out, they are still counted as present. It doesn't always work that way. If you average out the sick days, each child usually misses a few days in a year. Then you throw this trial in and preparing for the trial is a possible 6 days alone. I am SO going to jail. Will you all picket the jail? At least send me some mail or add money to my books so I can pretend it is a vacation. Wait a minute, this is sounding better and better. I will have to rethink this whole prison thing....Anybody else wanna join me there?

Grits with Grandparents

My MIL got all dolled up to go to breakfast with the kids at their school only to miss most of it. Someone that I will not name, told the kids to go through the regular breakfast line instead of the special line while I signed in. My MIL is hard of hearing and just followed the kids. Turns out all the kids didn't get to eat the special breakfast b/c of this. It upset me b/c they were done eating before my MIL got near the food. They were ready to go and antsy. I had to force them to wait on her. Once she sat, they were a bit better but ready to go. All of this could have been avoided if the person would have asked IF they had a grandparent there and not assumed that they didn't. This person knows who we are, too. I do not think it was to be mean, she just assumed they wouldn't have anyone there for them when they really had 2 people there.

I Give Up

I can't get the other blog to work. It is missing half it's page and I think I have hidden who we are well enough that you can't figure out how to get to my house. The few of you that can are already friends that I would share my home with anyway. Half of you that asked wouldn't be invited b/c I have to more room there. I will continue to just post here. I will leave out the details and try to be vague enough to protect my children and at the same time share enough that if you will get a full picture of what is happening. I have discussed this at length with the kids and they (on their own) felt that this was a way of helping other families push through situations like this. If anyone sees anything that gives out too much information or our identity, please say something. You don't need to do it under your name as long as you are not mean. I respect that we all may not agree all of the time or even some of the time. Shoot, you may just be coming here to prove I am the evil woman who stole some poor couple's kids or to see the process that it takes to prove you will do anything to protect your children. I don't care.

Here we go. We met with the A. D. A. and the Victim's Advocate today. I was so nervous that I barely slept last night. I spent a great deal of time going through this blog and the other to type up the dates that everything occurred. It was a pain but kept my mind busy. It was moving to see hoe far they have come. Boy, they have their ups and downs but they are so different. I am so proud of them. Back to today, we met with them in their county and discussed the plea bargain that the mother wants to make. Now, I know from her family that she will take anything they give her and has come to terms with a life behind bars. With that said, her lawyer asked for 25 yrs serve 5 yrs, spend the rest on Probation/Parole, and have to register as a sex offender. Being a sex offender on Parole means she has to keep a log of her car travel, possess no photos of any kind of children including her own, be searched at any time, keep her whereabouts registered, and not go near any schools or places where children gather until she is off Parole. Then it would become much more lenient. H3er children would all be grown ups when she gets out. I am good with that.

I feel, more importantly, the kids feel that she would never had done this on her own. She was not a willing participant in the way that she initiated or enjoyed it. It seems to all of us that have intimate details, she was some what of a victim herself. She could have said, "No". I don't think she did for many reasons. She didn't think it was an option, she was afraid of him, she has a very low IQ, and she had only known him, he was her sole support and the had been together since they were 14. She had very poor boundaries in her own home with her mother. Not sexual but weird. Her mother encouraged her to have relations with a grown man that was her father's best friend. Weird stuff. With that said, we are fine with that plea bargain. In exchange for this deal, she must testify against her husband. She must be truthful and face him in court. In other words, she must bring his ass down. They will make the deal before the trial but she will not be sentenced until after to be sure she holds up her end of the deal.

As we were talking, I mentioned to the A.D.A. that I was surprised they each only had 1 count of Aggravated Child Molestation since they clearly deserved at least 2 or 3 more. She was confused and we began to go over why I felt that way. She completely agreed and wants to go back to the Grand Jury the last week of September to add them. The issue is that it MAY cause the trial to be postponed again. It became simple to me once she told me we had a soft judge and he probably would only get 50 yrs serve 25 if the charges stayed as they are. He would still be able to have a life one day. He could get out and remarry a woman young enough to have children with. It's not long enough. If we go for the additional charges, he would never see the light of day b/c he would get 75 more years, automatically. The down side is the next available court date may be around the holidays.

We discussed each child and how they are currently doing. She worried they wouldn't be able to testify. We asked about doing it through a video camera situation and they do not have that available. They have to do it in a closed courtroom. They are all strong, they can do this. It is important to them that they be behind bars, this sis the only way that can happen. I gave them an out today. I told them they didn't have to do this. Their fear that they will be released is greater than their fear of testifying. We will proceed.

So, can anyone guess how many meltdowns we had tonight? Three. Anyone care to guess which kids lost it? Patches, Michael (those were easy but the next one surprised me a tiny bit), and Ava. Patches hid her rage behind her chore. They kids left a shoe on the floor or a book and she freaked out on each one of them. Michael was a bit sneakier. He was playing videos and seemed to be having fun but kept calling the kids mean names like "Baby" and "stupid". Then he began to tell Ella she couldn't sing and hurt her feelings. When he was asked to please stop being hateful he turned into a raging butt munch. At one point, he screamed really hard at me and I feared he was going to head butt me in the face again. I grabbed his face in my hand before he did and it surprised both of us. I think he held back b/c my DH was right there. It took a bit and he finally broke down. I held him for a few and my DH took him upstairs to get ready for bed. Ava began screaming and crying at bed time when asked to clean up her chore b/c she had forgotten again. She took out all her anger on Emma. The others held it together. Ruthie even was able to tell Alyssa not to touch her (she was trying to comfort her) b/c she didn't feel safe right now. Poor Alyssa doesn't have a clue what is going on and tried to joke about things. I am so glad she is clueless.

Tomorrow I am going to the school for Grandparent's Day. We will eat breakfast with the elementary school kids. It should be fun. I am sure people will think I am weird for showing up but my kids and grand kids are all at the same school. My MIL came to spend the night and join them. They are thrilled she made it. I am, too. She spent her entire evening painting their finger and toe nails. They were thrilled b/c I only do it for sandals and only the toes. LOL


Karen, I can't find your number. I think the baby deleted it when she was playing with it.

The Potty

Patches has managed to drag sympathy from her very trained teachers. The teacher sent home a note saying they were going to get a book from the library and just send it home. She also needs someone to read with her nightly.

I do not allow my children to check out books from the school library if they have lost or intentionally destroyed more than 2 books from them. She has done just that. All of my children are REQUIRED BY ME to read 30 minutes nightly. She flat out refuses. Some of my other poor readers join together to read together and listen to each other. She hunkers down in her top bunk bed and growls when you approach her claiming she is too tired. I have tried to move it to right after school only to be attacked physically. I backed off after 2.5 yrs and told her that she has a right to remain on a 1st grade level. I was sad for her but I will not and can not force her to make any effort she doesn't want to. I still work very hard to find ways to engage her but have failed in that area.

She also lost her very expensive mandatory P.E. clothes. She waited until bed time and began crying that no one at school would help her find them. I made some suggestions but refused to be sucked in. She tried to blame me but I put my foot down. I wasn't there and she is in middle school, she is the ONLY person responsible for her clothes.

My son had a lot of work to do to make up for his crap the night before. Since the kids had to run through their chores when he ran b/c I feared I would have to call the police. On a side note, we "run through our chores" 3-6 times a day. It means to pick up your area. It takes mere minutes and I would hate for anyone, much less police, to see our chaos. It looks bad fast but if you look closely, you can see under their toys and shoes the carpet is vacuumed and the counters are cleaned daily. Back to him, he was required to do this for each child after school. He made sure it took him ALL afternoon and past dinner. He refused to do his HW and shower. Of course, it will be seen as though I failed somehow by the teacher. I am getting pretty irritated lately by the secret insanity that he has going on. Let people see it is him and not me. I know, they won't.

I had a lovely morning and early afternoon with Gia and Kiera. We purchased Kiera a potty. She is still a bit young but I am hoping she transfers her obsession to her own potty instead of when I go. She must ask me if I have to go 50 times a day. She has taken to holding her diapered crotch mimicking the other kids and screaming "Pee! Potty! Pee! Potty!" as loud as she can both in public and at home. It is really funny. When I try to use the restroom, she follows me. She will scream outside the door, "Help! Potty! Help! Potty!" if I don't let her in. If I let her in, she gets me the tp, tries to look between my legs to see the pee, flushes it numerous times while I am on it, and even tries to climb on me to go herself. It is no longer funny. I have to sneak away to the restroom.

So we bring this potty home and she LOVES it. She spent her entire afternoon on it. I am not kidding. Her diaper was on and off and on and off. She stole panties from the big kids and tried to wear them, both legs into one hole and held them on. She peed once in the potty and you would have thought it was liquid gold. She tried to dip her hands in it and hug it. It was almost too much and I considered hiding it. I mean, I really don't mind diapers until college. At some point, she could change them herself.

He Ran Away...Again

It is becoming a habit that I do not care for. Now he has involved our very kind neighbors. He is so small and can turn on the pity for people fast. They were worried he was lost or that we were looking for him. I was very angry when I saw him. It had been 30 minutes since he left and a lot can happen in 30 minutes. He also left screaming he hated me and was going to tell the police so he could live somewhere else. That always freaks me out b/c I have done nothing wrong but they are so good at lying and denying it til their death. It is crazy how he convinces himself that the lie is the truth. Like when he screamed I punched him this weekend. I would never even come close to punching one of them yet he seemed to really believe what he was saying.

I am tired of it. I am trying really hard but not sure how this will end. Patches had a bad evening. I thin she is going to have to wear a helmet during her awake hours. She is head banging to make me mad and it is really hard. I've tried to ignore it but it is really too hard to ignore. She has to be doing damage. She also threw a sweater and it hit the baby. Not funny. The baby had no idea and I went off when she claimed "the kids need to stay away when I am mad". I always try to keep them away but she slipped in. I waited until she was calm and explained that SHE is the one that needs to be aware of the others.

Ava was a bit off today, too. I figure she was jealous that Ella, Alyssa, ans Emma spent the night out. She was mean to them. Oh well, she can't be trusted out of my sight so I can't let her spend the night out.

The Private One

All the old readers of my private blog have been resent. Anyone that has sent me a request, please be patient, you are next.

Thanks, Abby

I looked back and must not have posted about the secretary. Michael is required to take both his anti psychotic med and anti anxiety med before he comes home from school. I can't force it down his throat b/c he is already heading off to "I hate Mommyland" when he steps off the bus. I went through all the trouble of getting additional bottles that specified the time. The woman gave me grief every step of the way. I had 2 separate forms filled out b/c there were 2 meds. She only gave him 1 of the meds for 2 weeks. We were baffled at why he was still struggling so much. I asked him daily if he had taken his meds and he always said he was. One afternoon I asked if he was taking both and quickly realized what the issue was. I contacted the school and explained the problem. She became defensive and explained I had written the wrong grade on the paper so she thought it was a different kid. We have a unique last name, it is not Jones, Smith, or Jackson. She has been told, in front of me, I am the mother of all the De***** kids. I wasn't mad, though. I asked her to hunt him down if necessary but he needs his meds before he leaves every day or he is violent towards me and the kids when he comes home.

A few days later, I was in the office and she told me how he always takes his meds with a smile. She has no problem with him. Now if some of you are beginning to boil, it's b/c this crap has happened to you. People think they can fix your kids. I took in a very deep breath and forced myself to smile. I, once again, explained that he is a very complex child and can be wonderful one minute and violent without reason the next. I understand they don't see that at the school but it is b/c he doesn't feel safe enough to be himself. He is mentally ill not poorly behaved. He uses his manners here at school and holds himself together. All his previous abuse had happened at home and at his parents hands so he becomes very agitated there. He lets out his anger towards them on me and tries to recreate that chaos with us.

She acted like she understood but having gone through this so many times, I knew better. She asked permission to talk to him about his behavior. I smiled and encouraged her. Then I said, "You know, I am going to be very angry if it turns out that I have spent 3 years in intensive therapy with him if all he needed was a good talking to by the school secretary." I tried to sound as sincere as I could. She smiled and kinda laughed.

Later, Michael came home to tell me that she promised him a surprise if he didn't hit me for a week. He went on and on about how he was going to do it. In all honesty, it pissed me off. Do it for the surprise? Why not for me? Don't I deserve to live in a home that doesn't require I protect myself from my son? All her talking did nothing. He attacked me with all his might last night. So much for a surprise, huh? At least I know now that bribing wouldn't have worked anyway.

Great Start to the Weekend

Bad afternoon. It started bad and just keeps on giving. Michael came in looking for a fight. He shoved Alyssa so she shoved him back. Crazy boy ran and told me she hurt him. I knew better and quickly discovered he started it. Too bad. He went off on me when I asked him to load the dishwasher with Ruthie to make amends for the incident at the store Sunday. He got in my face and yelled he already did a chore to make up for it while Ruthie curled up on the floor and pretended to sob. Eventually long after I left the room, they did it. I asked the kids to be sure their rooms were clean so they didn't have to do it in the morning. Michael went looking for a fight and was asked to stay away from the girls b/c he was calling them names. He waited until I walked away and entered their room. I heard screams from my bathroom and ran in to find Ruthie hurt on the floor and him standing over her. Since she is prone to being dramatic, I had to ask what happened. He shoved another child on her and knocked the wind out of her. I grabbed a hold of his shirt and started helping him out of the room he wasn't supposed to be in. He tripped over a shoe b/c he was so busy trying to stay in the room. Of course, this is my fault. After he calmed for about 10 minutes in his room, I went in to talk to him. He growled at me and Kiera ran in and climbed on his bed. I walked across the room to pick her up and get her out. He went off on me, screaming I'm not allowed on his bed. I picked her up and he ran to block me from leaving his room. I touched his shoulder with 3 fingers to get him out of my way. He screamed threw his body at me and fell to the floor somehow b/c I didn't touch him. He took this opportunity to kick with both feet and punch with both hands. I hollered for Patches to come get the baby before she was injured b/c it seemed tat was his goal at that point. When she came,, I flipped him over and held him to the ground where he began screaming that I had punched him. At first, I had no idea what the heck he was talking about and then I realized he meant when I tried to get past him and leave the room. He is so delusional. He really thinks I punched him. I made Ella stay and witness the rest of the restraint for my protection. I can't trust him anymore. He continued to try to hit, kick, bite, and scratch me for about 20 minutes. At one point he yelled, "The man with the beard told me not to tell you when they come so I don't!". I was able to trick him in to telling me he is still hallucinating but had stopped confiding in me. He is slipping further away from me. I know his time in our home has a limit. I can't keep him and the kids safe forever. It will be very hard to admit that but I have taken the first step in coming to terms with it.

I guess the little chat that the secretary at school had made lots of difference. LOL

He Wants To Be My Boyfriend

Ruthie has a very different idea of what it means to be a BF or how to become one. I think I have mentioned this before. Yesterday she came home with a phone number and claimed this boy wants her to call him. I let her while I practically sat on her. Turned out to be a fax number so someone can't write or doesn't know their own number. She was very upset b/c she really likes him. She likes every one so I wasn't worried until today.....He asked her to go to the movies and kiss with their tongues. We had a quick chat about how inappropriate that is when Cyr chimed in. She was very animated and explained that she is 3 yrs older and she hasn't had her first boy kiss so she will have to wait. Somehow Ruthie walked away thinking she had to wait for Cyr to have hers than she can go to the movies and make out with this boy. I practically laughed out loud. She is worried he will find another love while she waits for spinster Cyr to go first.

Just in case someone has missed it. I will have 7 teenagers at the same time in just a few short years. Hormones and love lives will be a daily stress. They are going to fight over the same boys and friends. Can't wait.

I will be forced to deal with all the invites over at the other blog ASAP. I received a call from the Victim's Advocate to set an appointment for next Thursday with the A.D.A. No news yet except that. If you sent me an email in the past or were invited and can't get in, I will send you the invite again soon. I will post here when that is done so you will know.

Cyr and I made Turtle Brownies today and they are in the oven. Mmmmmm.

Suspended for 3 Days for Fighting

Cyr first came to us with a very flat affect. It was scary. She never laughed or became angry. She was just blah. She let her siblings run over her and barely complained. She has been victimized by many in her short life and didn't have the strength to stand up for herself physically....until today.

Last night, she asked me if I would be mad if she got into a fight at school. A girl had just texted her that she was going to "beat her ass" in the morning. She claimed to have no idea what she had done to this girl, they were friends just hours before. I was pretty confident it would blow over so I suggested she not do anything to the girl. If she was hit, defend herself. Shame on me for not being more clear. I should have said, "Do not let her continue to attack you. Get out of her way, if possible. Try to work things out with words." What she heard was, "If she hits you, you have my permission to beat the heck out of her until an adult pulls you apart." My mistake.

She got to school this morning and the girl came right up to her in the Cafe. The girl was screaming at her and Cyr told her that she wouldn't start it but she would finish it if she was attacked. The girl slapped her across the face and it was on. Cyr let out all her pent up anger on this unsuspecting girl. It sent her into a frenzy when the girl kicked her, like her brother does. She wouldn't stop hitting her until several adults pulled her off and then she refused to let go of her hair, pulling some of it out. She said there was a lot of hooting and hollering in the background but she doesn't know what was said. Eventually, she was taken to the office and I was called. She was under the impression she would get 1 day of in school suspension. She was quite surprised when she received 3 days of out of school suspension for the violence she showed towards this girl.

How do you teach them to not fight when you are so proud they actually did? I know she won't go around beating kids up but I don't want her to be puffing up her chest at any little conflict either. I didn't give her any additional consequences other than, she can't text her friends during school hours and if I heard her brag even a tiny bit about it, she would lose her phone for 3 days. She is really upset about being kicked out for any length of time. She loves school (boys). This child has never been remotely aggressive, ever. I'm a bit surprised she actually followed through with it. Am I being too easy?

Kiera trying to stand on Gia. She is constantly jockeying for top position over Gia. She hits her, bites her, pushes her down, climbs on her, and pulls her hair all the way to the floor. Then when Gia is moved to tears she says, "HA HA!". Gia is a bit wimpy and a lot whiny so she is an easy target for the "Debil Girl".




The kids weren't so happy just moments before the camera was out. They were picking up the Playroom and whining about how mean I am. I know, how dare I force them to clean up after themselves.