I NEED Advice

It seems I always procrastinate about telling the big fun events. It's just there is so much to tell and I'm writing it slowly and trying to deal with another fire, OK two of them.

The first is Sawyer. He is scheduled for a psychological evaluation with our therapist's office. After a few sessions with him it is obvious, he has Reactive Attachment Disorder. It's not just attachment issues like I had hoped. He has had a brain scan done and he doesn't have the brain of a child with ADHD. He shows many of the symptoms and signs but his brain doesn't show it. It's intentional behaviors. Now that we have a clearer picture of him physically, I have been asking a lot more questions about his past. He was traumatized, that's for sure. He was moved quite a bit and he didn't stay at the GGma's house the entire 3 yrs, as we had understood it. He had been sent back a few times to both parents and to the mother only to return to the GGma.

Now we have to think about coping with his VERY annoying behaviors while he tries to heal. It is overwhelming for my husband. Our other children allowed him to live blissfully with them for 4 yrs and rarely see any of their lovely behaviors. This son does not. He has to annoy everyone. He accidentally hurts people constantly. He breaks everything he touches, he puts everything in his mouth regardless of the danger, everything disappears, he steals, lies, and hoards, he pees and poops throughout our home and property, he has hygiene issues, he has horrible boundaries, he "misunderstands" everything her is told, he won't be quiet for more than seconds, he back talks and must have the last word of every conversation, he is disrespectful and rude, he refuses to make any eye contact, and he is in a constant battle for control.

I'm sure this didn't even begin to make clear how difficult he is. It feels like he is more difficult than the 6 together, when they came. I know that is not true. It just feels that way. I must admit, I am secret amused that my husband is struggling this time. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish this on anyone. I don't want him to suffer. I'm just happy he really sees it. It allows me a moment to step back and giggle. It helps me cope knowing I'm not alone.

The other thing is Ruthie. She is about to be discharged. The kids are terrified she will return here. They don't want her here anymore. We are stuck. Medicaid won't pay for her to stay in a facility that she is so well behaved in. They want her to come here. They refuse to qualify her for additional services because she is so well behaved. She visits and acts like an angel and then we find out she had pushed her limits with her brother on 2 occasions. Nothing major, they just let us know she has no intention of really changing. It makes me horribly sad.

Here's the dilemma. If she comes here, I worry I can't keep her safe. The new kids could be removed. If I refuse to pick her up because I fear she won't be safe, they can charge me with child abandonment or deprivation. They could remove the new kids. We wouldn't be able to finalize their adoption with felony child abuse charges. In the real world, we haven't nor will we abuse any children. (Although, when I find pee in the corner of my living room or poop in my hallway, I take deep breaths and remind myself of this.) In the insane world of child courts, we can and will be charged. We may be able to fight it. We have a paper trail and professionals willing to help us. It would be too late for the new kids. It's not fair. I don't know what to do. Either way I look, I see felony charges and the loss of 3 innocent kids, for her. All for her bad choices.

Any advice would be helpful. I would love to hear privately from anyone that has been through it. At this point, any thing would be great. We are desperate. She is being released Thursday.

I Wanna Tell You About the Carnival...

but we have all been sick and recuperating since. Forgive me. Gimme a few more days to tell you how fantastic it was and who came. If you were here and wanna share some things in the comments section, please do.

As If We Needed More Drama

It seems as if my dear husband has been set on a path of self destruction without any intent. Yesterday he was at work and sliced off his thumb print. Literally. He had to go to the hospital and have it sown back. Who does this? He has built things and used nearly every power tool there is (Yes, I know how lucky I am to have a husband that can build or fix ANYTHING) with ease and skill. He Thoroughly enjoys his job. In 16 years, he has been injured on the job maybe 3 time. All minor. He thought this was minor until the meds wore off. He whined and moaned and then finally begged me to find an all night pharmacy to fill his scripts. At about 3 AM, he was able to get some rest. He tossed and turned and cried out until I got the kids up. He is a mess. He claimed he could still build the last booth today and pick up the inflatables. We'll see about that.....

Here We Go Again

My son made a big butt out of himself today in the therapist's office. He never slowed or stopped talking about nothing. He managed to get in no less than 7 digs into me, trying to hurt my feelings. (He didn't) Stopped playing only to walk over to me and fart quietly and walk back over to play across the room. (He didn't think we would notice) He got up in their face and wouldn't give them appropriate boundaries. Trashed all the toys and couldn't remember how to pick them up. Couldn't think of one nice thing to say about me, even after some prompting. Made up whoppers the entire time he spoke. He refused to look at anyone, insisted on staring at my shoulder or the picture on the wall. I know some of you experienced moms of traumatized kids are thinking, "Hmmm. That sounds familiar."

It was blatantly obvious. I'm not sure what hid it from me before. Maybe the connection to his GGma? He seems to have a connection to her. Not anyone else. Those examples alone are not the reason for my pause. He also has the worst impulse control of any child I've met. I assumed it was ADHD. I know with a couple of my other kids, they were dx'd with ADHD and it was RAD. I think this may be the issue here, too. He is obsessed with scary movies with lots of blood and gore. I dismissed it as being a boy thing. I've never met a boy that sneaks to watch trailors of scary movies or hounds their parents constantly to watch them or talks about them as much as he does. Tonight I asked him to lather up with soap and shampoo and call me in to check (because the boy stinks every day). I gave him exact instructions with what to use, how, and even where. He called me in and he was covered in conditioner from head to toe. Really? He knows what soap is. He had to be in control. He is in a constant state of conflict over power and control. Add to these things, no real friends, low self esteem, pooping and peeing all over our house, learning disabilities, difficulty with affection, no understanding of cause and effect, stealing, and being destructive. What are we looking at? ATTACHMENT

All I keep thinking is why me? Craptastic, folks. Another kid to drag into feeling my love. I will do it. Make no mistake, I am glad he is my son and I am up for the challenge. I had just hoped we would all have an easier ride. Anna seems to be so much easier to feel love and affection. She seems to want to be loved and belong to a family. He is fighting me tooth and nail. I was so excited when he said he loved me the other day. I have a sneaky feeling he was pulling my chain.

I sat him down tonight and invited him to take as long as he wanted but I would be here with enough love for both of us. Of course, he asked me 20 inappropriate questions during this conversation and stared at my shoulder. LOL I warned him that the harder he pulled, the stronger I would become. I'm sure he'll accidentally leave me a poop present outside my door and have no clue what I'm talking about when I bring it up. I can't wait to look back on this year and feel like he accomplished something other than to drive me over the edge.

My Little Singer

It looks as if Ruthie will be leaving the RTC in 3 weeks unless she shows them some of her behaviors. They can't continue to get funding for a child that acts like an angel while in there. I'm not sure what we will do, at this point. Thinking about it makes me nervous. No word on Michael or Patches.

My MIL came up and spent the night. She did laundry, cleaned, made the kids clean their rooms, made breakfast, and made homemade fried apple pies. We didn't want her to leave, ever.

Anna is quickly taking on some of my quirks. She now makes up stupid songs and sings them to her siblings. As I'm typing she is singing, "I'm gonna fart...on Ava's face...she's gonna cry...no wonder why". LOL Mine aren't about tooting but other things. One goes like this "I'm a nasty girl and Mom don't care. I brush my teeth but won't brush my hair. I'm a nasty girl and Mom don't care. She's got a big butt that's shaped like a pear. I'm a nasty girl and Mom don't care. I smell like poop and she swears I'm a mare." You get it. I go on and on and on. I have morning songs and bedtime songs and just getting on my nerve songs. It helps lighten the mood when I start to get annoyed.

Speaking of annoyed. My husband is extremely annoyed by Sawyer. He gets in your face and won't back off. He runs circles around you. He chatters constantly about things that make no sense. He works very hard at being annoying. With that said, he revealed something to my husband that tore him up. He was devastated. He listened, he hugged, he comforted, and he called me to vent. The uncle was a very busy man. Most of you know what that means. I'll be calling the D.A.'s office to see f they will be adding charges and to see what the next step is.

A New and Improved Family

My last post hit a nerve. I received a nasty comment on my Facebook. In my ever so immature way, I wrote her back privately. She accused me of being a martyr, at fault for all the crap that has happened here this Summer, and that she couldn't talk to me about her feelings because I'm such an ogre. It irritated me but I'm grateful it has come to head and it's over. I'm surrounding myself with kids that want to work on their issues and live successfully in a family. They don't have to be perfect, just making an effort to contribute instead of sucking the life out of us. We are in a good place and will continue to work hard without the distractions of angry self absorbed people.

Some little turkey butt here brought home a head cold that includes a lovely fever and sore throat. Lucky me, they shared.

This weekend is the weekend we will be building and finalizing the booths for the party. It is exciting stuff. So far we know we are having the 70 ft obstacle course, bounce house, kissing booth, dinosaur dig, duck pond, stiker, ring toss, nose pick, tattoo/face painting, balloon darts, and lollipop tree. We are working on plinko, tic tac toe, fishing, and maybe a potty toss.

When Kiera turned 3 the other day, she was snuggled up to me and randomly told me she wants to live here. She doesn't want to live with another mommy. It broke my heart and I'm not sure where it came from. I assured her that she would live with me until she was all grown up. She asked if that was when she was 4. She is such a cutie.

Good Bye

I haven't forgotten about this place. I keep thinking I've posted something only to return and see it's been a week again.

My husband is surviving. With all the laying down he did, I'm not sure how he managed to pull a muscle in his neck but he did. Wah Wah Wah I swear he is worse than the kids. I wish I could find more patience with him but I can't. He needs to suck it up like I do. LOL

Yesterday Peyton fell off our picnic bench in the kitchen. He does this at least 3 times a week. I was just a few feet away and peeked around the corner to see he had a pool of blood under his face. I lifted him up and thought it was coming from his ear. I almost panicked. I quickly wiped away the blood to see where it was coming from and noticed his ear was clear. He had put his tooth through his lip. All the way through. There was tons of blood, as there usually is when you injure anything on your head. I managed to get the bleeding to stop and put some ice on it.

After I left for therapy with Michael at the hospital, he fell again. I returned home to see he had fallen on the cement and scraped his forehead, nose, and lips. If that wasn't bad enough, he has continued to fall over and over on the winter clothes we just took out to sort. Poor kid is in bad shape. Nothing serious but nasty looking, for sure. I feel so bad for him.

All three kids placed out of our home are doing extremely well. That is not necessarily a good thing. They are honeymooning and won't be kept there is they aren't exhibiting the behaviors we see here.

Kiera is 3! She loved having a birthday. She insisted that everyone that called her had to sing her Happy Birthday. She was very demanding to us all day. She kept pulling the "It's my birthday" card. She ate 2 pieces of pie after dinner and made me rub her tummy becasue it hurt. The next day, she argued with me that it was still her birthday. I finally gave up and told her to take 2 days. You can't argue with a 3 yr old and win.

I have elluded to the current status of our relatinship with Rosa. She has once again cut us out of her life. She lives 2 miles away and our kids go to the same school. She ignores them. She expected us to give her a reference for a job but won't speak to us. She is finally getting her junk out of our yard and I couldn't be happier to have it gone. She refuses to speak to me to tell me why she is even upset. Most of you with traumatized kids can imagine she can make up reasons in her head to justify cutting us off. My theory is that we needed her. She did this after the accident and about the time Ruthie went nuts. I was losing a daughter and was trying to cope with the damage done to another child so she feared I might need her. I was stressed about my husband and I might need her. She can take with no problem but to give back is too hard. She has told my husband a reason but it stupid and petty. It doesn't make sense. She is gone for good this time because I can't and won't continue to be used by an adult. She will never come back without my constant effort. I don't have the energy to keep her engaged. I hope she gets the job and figures out how to support herself for once.

My little Tweedle Diva has slept 2 nights in her own bed in her own room. Tweedle Dude got up and snuck past the door chime and was found wandering around the house. Little booger. I guess we are forced to use the alarm instead to keep his booty in bed.

My DH is up and moving, a little bit. He is so tired that he had to nap after his shower this morning. The Tweedles are going back down now, too. Considering I haven't slept decent in several days, so am I!

Attention

I have no idea why I get so nervous when the case workers come out to the house. It could be that the future of our beloved children are in some stranger's hands. It was uneventful. They both agree the kids will be great here.

The only concern is how we could possibly give the appropriate amount of attention to each child. It's a valid concern. It's something I work very hard on. They get all of my attention. I have no visiting friends, no job outside the home, and no activities that do not include them. My entire daily schedule is all about their needs, wants, and dreams. I sit with them, I cook for them, I help with homework, I listen to their very lengthy and sometimes fictional stories, and I spends hours each month in therapy with them. I can assure you, they get the attention they need. I make sure to spend a small window of time with each individual child every day. I tuck them all in, I make sure to tell them I love them and how wonderful they are every day. I hug and kiss them every day. I make an effort to smile every time they come into a room or come up to talk to me. I laugh like they just told the best joke in the world at every knock knock.

I don't think they lack for attention. I'm the only one in need of my attention. You can tell this any day you stop by unannounced. You will catch me in my PJs well past noon, not becasue I am lazy but becasue I haven't found a moment to shower without 2 additional children in there with me or opening the shower door every 30 seconds. My nails are never manicured. Some days I forget eat or use the restroom. My hair is in desperate need of some color to hide the grey and a hair cut. I don't care, either. As we added more kids, I have been known to leave the house like that. My kids are always immaculate. I check each one as they walk out the door. Now all I have to do is train them to check me.

He Thought He Was Dying

I took Sawyer out of school yesterday and drovehim up to see his GGma in her new apartment. He misses her and cries for her sometimes. He needed a special outing to see her. It gave us some quiet time becasue we only had Peyton with us. I bet you are wondering where Kiera was. No, I didn't lock her in the trunk. She stayed home with my very sick husband and puking Emma. I was so glad to get out of here.

We got to the GGma's and as I walked up the stairs, I smeled gas. It was strong. SHe opened the door and it poured out. I quickly got her out of the house and began openning her windows while loking for the source. SHe had bumped the stove handle and it had been on for hours. If she had lit a cigarette, she'd have blown, for sure. I'm so glad she has been trying to quit and hadn't had one all morning.

We took her out to lunch and had a blast. It is still so surprising when my kids at crazy around their families. Peyton slid off his seat and ran around the restaurant several times screaming, "Na na na boo boo, you can't catch me!" with me desperately trying to catch him as he darted between tables. If the entire place hadn't been roaring with laughter, he might not have found it so fun. At least I didn't have 2 toddlers running in opposite directions like I normally do.

I mentioned my husband was home sick. I thought he was just being a baby with a stomach virus. He wasn't. He begged me to take him to the hospital. He swore he was dying. He cried out in pain the entire way and was upset that I couldn't stay with him. It turns out he was having a gal bladder attack. He has fluid built up around it. There are no stones and in some cases it happens after a trauma and heavy pain meds. They shot him up with morphine and he was all good after that. I picked him back up about Midnight with a fist full of scripts. He has to see a specialist and may need surgery to remove it. He shoudl survive, contrary to his belief.

Both the county the kids came from and our county are meeting with us today. My fingers are crossed things go smoothly and quickly. The thought of them stresses me out.

Na Na Na Boo Boo

Patches is gone. Ella bawled. No one else said a word. She slept the entire way there which is not surprising since that is how she deals with stress. SHe hugged the toddlers and I then walked away.

The toddlers were horrible. H.O.R.R.I.B.L.E. I was mortified. The staff was very kind and understanding. It made it worse. My most stern voice only made them giggle. Yes, giggle. It became a damn game. "Na na na boo boo, you can't catch me." I'm not kidding. I wanted to crawl under the table with them and hide. I didn't. I crawled under there and threatened them. They got up in their stroller and buckled themselves in. Then they argued about who made mommy mad. Kiki said, "Oh, Peyton, you made mommy mean." Peyton, "No. You." Kiki, "No. You!" This continued until we left. In the middle of this visit, Kiera tooted and smelled up the tiny closed office. I thought she pooped becasue she said so. I ran her to the bathroom and she hadn't. SHe wanted to go on the potty and DID. Huge for her. So big she told every person she met on her way back to the tiny office that still smelled like death. Thank goodness she is as cute as a bug.

The CW called from the county the kids came from and will be out with this counties CW Thursday. This county is not sure how to open us as an adoption home and not a foster/adopt home. We can't be opened as a f/a home because we have too many kids. Their county seems a bit irritated. Oh well. Just getter done.

Ella will be on their school's news in the AM becasue she is the Star Student this week. SHe may crawl under the table herself. Being in the spotlight is not something she enjoys. SHe will misplace her voice, I'm sure.

I'm Not Dead

Things have slowed down here with 2 of my ragers out of the house. I can't believe how calm the kids are. I am constantly cooking too mch food or waiting on phantom children to come in from school. It's weird. I feel like half the kids are gone.

Patches will be admitted Monday to the place where Ruthie is. The place that Michael is doesn't have room for her until after her approval expires. I had no idea they would expire. Medicaid refuses to give them extra time to get her in. I received a call from her therapist late last night and she said to do a lateral move in a couple weeks to the place Michael is. SHe said it will piss them off but Patches really needs to be over there instead. I'm all about pissing people off.

The kids ahve been out of school all week. We live in a county that gives them a week off every other month and a short Summer. It may work out better for me becasue I have them in shorter stints. I can keep them entertained easier.

We have spent the week working on catching up on all our projects. They have been cooperative and well behaved. I'm telling you, it's a new world over here.

Kiera is getting Peyton into trouble. She is so darn smart. It cracks me up. She will point out the banana on the top shelf and tell him to get it. He does. She showed him how to open the door to the garage and they dumped a 5# bag of shredded cheese on the lawnmower. SHe is in panties and convinces him to strip down to wear a pair. He always has poop in his diaper and it ends up on the floor. SHe tried to bury him in the sandbox. He has learned how to open the gate and when I yell for him to get back in, he runs giggling, "You can't catch me" with Kiera by his side. They keep me busy.

Sawyer is settling in. He has such a big heart. He wants to protect me. It is so sweet. He loves everything I feed him. Everything.

Cyr scared the crap out of me yesterday. The girl has had a migraine for 3 days. I told her she needs to go to the doctor and started loking for one tht could see her. No luck. I ran to take Sawyer to the doctor and she called me screaming. SHe felt a knife going thrugh her head and and could barely speak from through the pain. SHe called an ambulance before I could return home. Of course, having the kids home all week and working on projects outside, the house was trashed. I had been piling laundry up all day as it came out of the dryer. I'm sure to most it would look like a lot but it was sheets and pillows so it looked puffier. The dishes hadn't been done from breakfast and the floor wasn't mopped from the night before. Most families don't need to mop daily. We do. We had also trapsing in clay from the yard. It looked bad. I hope they don't report us. It is usually decent. Never spotless. Let them come clean up after my little pigs for a day, they'd understand that just becasue it was clean in the AM doesn't mean it is decent at noon.

Kiera's Mother and her BF are here spending the night. I grabbed her sister and they are passed out on the sofa.

I've been thinking, I really need to get back on here. I've been slack. Really, I've been overwhelmed. I didn't even know how bad it was until it calmed. I have a plan to take better care of myself and my marriage. It's working. Part of that plan is to get back on here. Don't hold your breath or anything. Just look for more of the old me to pop back in.

I tracked down Sawyer, Anna, and Emma's father. I had to call him repeatedly to get him on the phone but I did. He was crappy with me and threatened, nicely, to regain his rights and custody of them. I calmly explained it wasn't possible but he shoudl get an attorney. I assured him, regardless of his efforts to do that, we wanted to remain in contact for the kids sake. He played the blame game and skirted all responsibility for the need for adoption. It was sad. I laid down our rules for sobriety only in the presence of the kids. I couldn't care less about what he does at home, just be present for them when he's here. We don;t want anything from him except for him to remain in contact with the kids. He seemed relieved. HE spoke briefly to the kids and got back on the phone with me. He was much more polite. He asked if he was really invited to their party or if the kids shouldn't have said anything. I repeated the date and times and offered for him to bring his 4 step children and new daughter. He was excited to hear it. We'll see if her shows.

I have therapy with Ruthie tomorrow and a brief visit after that. Both kids are calling crying when they call. It's hard to remain strong. I keep assuring my son, he will come home when he's ready. We are waiting on him. I'm careful how I address it with Ruthie. I do not make promises. I can't see her here safely. I can't see her not living with us. It's gonna take a lot to fix what she's done.

My Big Night Out

Our cable went out over the weekend while my DH and I were out ALONE. You read that right, we were alone. Unheard of moment in our lives but we managed to pull it off with the help of my dear sister, Kiki. Crazy woman volunteered to spend the night here with them. Back to the cable, they came out this evening to fix it. Woo Hoo! You have thought we planned to torture the kids with no food and water by the way they were acting. Even the mention of a book and we had multiple meltdowns.

We had a ball. We got a room, took a taxi to eat, sat at the bar and enjoyed a few caramel appletinis with my meal, stumbled to the taxi to head back to the hotel, giggled the entire way through the lobby as the clerk teased us about our evening's plans, made it to our room to eat the cheesecake we left the restaurant with, "snuggled", and passed out by just a few minutes after 9PM. The best night I've had in a decade, hands down.

I read about how other moms are sure to make time for their spouse and themselves. I have been jealous. No more! We made a pact, we are going to hug and kiss every day. Seems stupid to most people but I'm sure there are a few of you that have an idea of what I'm talking about. You wonder how we lost our intimacy? Try 1 to 3 kids in your room for the last year and a half. Try parenting kids that are constantly pushing buttons you had no idea you had. How about throw in 6 kids that cover their face when you do something as simple as kiss your spouse, acting like you just flashed a boob at him? I love him. He loves me. We just lost track of each other for a bit. The last thing I want at the end of the day is another person wanting something or needing to hang on me. I'm trying not to see our relationship like that. He is the one person in this house that I can have a reciprocal relationship with. Heck, he already changed out the shower head, mowed the yard, put in a pretty new ceiling fan in our living room, and several other little things that I've been begging for for months. Now if he would just remember to fill up the gas tank when he uses the van. I know, I'm dreaming again.

I took Michael and the Toddlers to the new RTC to admit Michael. He was fine. I was crushed but he just walked off. The therapist said some really fantastic things about me to the doctor in charge. Made me blush. I really think the world of both of or therapists. He made it clear I am the best mom he has ever worked with and that I get it.

Now that I have shared almost all my good news. I must share 1 more little piece. I'm warning you, if you are a RAD mom sitting there reading about other people's misery to make yourself feel better, you need to join us. I'm going to Orlando with Corey for her Mom's Retreat! That's right, I'm getting to go. I know you are sitting there with your head down about to cry. Don't. Come with us. They had such a good time last year and I sat here sobbing about how horribly isolated I am with all my little crazy kids. I can tell you from experience, that was not fun. Go check her out, besides putting this wonderful retreat together, she is an interesting, funny, supportive, gorgeous lady. You will love her.

Stress

The stress is building here. My poor husband is losing his mind. He is stressed by the never ending energy Sawyer has, that both vans are breaking down simultaneously, that we had 3 kids sleeping in our room last night, that someone smeared poop on the bathroom wall again, that it is taking so long to move the kids to the hospital, that I have court Thursday and will be spending money we do not have, the constant pain in his leg from the accident, but all of that fails to compare the worry he has about his Mother's health issues. He blamed me for all the kid stress today. He swears I love all the drama and stress they torture us with. He just can't wrap his mind around the fact that we are just handling things differently. He, like the kids, feel like I'm not doing enough to get them moved. It's crazy. It's not up to me when they leave. I signed everything, it's all up to someone else now. We have dates. We just have to wait. He worries it is too little too late. He worries things won't calm down.

Like I said, topping it all off is his Mother's health. She was dx'd with breast cancer more than 10 yrs ago. She has been fine up until a couple of months ago. She hurt her shoulder and had it xrays done. She has bone cancer. It is advanced. She is a fighter. One of the toughest people I know. I can't imagine a little thing like cancer getting her down for long.

She was his world growing up and long into adulthood. His protector and cheerleader. The only parent he had. He can't think past the 3 year life expectancy. All he thinks about is 3 more Christmases, 3 more Thanksgivings, and how his children will never appreciate all she has done for us, for them. He is beyond angry with the way Ruthie and her husband are treating her. He breaks down at the mere mention of her. He wants to be there for her but can't seem to cope with this himself.

I explained to him that all the blaming in the world won't make this better. If he moved out of our home, "the source of all his depression", the very things he is upset about would follow him. His mother's illness, the kids issues, the pain in his leg, lack of intimacy with his wife, his dying van, etc. He would add a huge financial drain called child support. I suggested he think about living in his mother's basement and dating. LOL That thought alone makes me laugh. Wait until he tells them how many kids he has. ROFLMAO He isn't going anywhere any time soon. He just needs to vent and crawl back out of this hole he has been in since July 2nd.

We have a night out ALONE scheduled for this weekend. Thanks to my fantastic sister who is looking forward to babysitting for us. She suggested to save money we pack a snack and just do it in the van. She cracks me up.

I got a call this morning that Ruthie has an appointment for intake at the RTC next Wednesday. Just a couple ours later, I got another call that Michael will be admitted Tuesday!. Just as we were about to hang up, she mentioned she hopes to have Patches admitted by the end of the week. I can hardly believe it's happening. I'm relieved and worried at the same time.

I'm off to take Cyr for a physical so she can try out for Cheer leading. I can't believe she is interested with all her black eyeliner and dark clothes but who am I to judge? Appropriate social interaction, I'm in. Next year she plans on joining the junior police program here. She would like top become an officer one day.

Someone has stepped out of our lives for no reason that I can tell. It couldn't have happened at a worse time. I'm disappointed and angry that she refuses to return my calls and be the support she promised. Of course, we all know that our children struggle to really feel that connection and being needed means they must push us away. I hope she and the kids are doing well. I hope she doesn't need me any time soon because I will be too busy having a great time with the kids who want to be in my family.

Just A Quick Second...

to tell you someone found my blog by Googling, "I want my mom sexually". I guess it's better than the regular, "child smears poop" one I get so many hits from. I am so proud.

Remember When I Was Arrested?

Back in May I, the day before the last day of school, I bumped another car. There was no damage and we exchanged all our info and I left. The lady decided to call the police on me and the officer was a jerk. He claimed he was going to file charges against me for leaving the scene of an accident and obstruction of something or other. I informed him that I knew he couldn't do that and wanted to know what the problem was. I gave him my information including dln and insurance. He came back to the phone and told me to drive back to the scene, blah, blah, blah.

I knew something was up. I began to panic. I agreed to meet him at my house since I had some kids home from school already and couldn't leave. Long story short, my dl was suspended because I had chosen to pay the fine through the mail instead of making the almost 2 hour drive to pay in person. They didn't receive it and filed a bench warrant when I didn't show up for court. Oh, goody. The officer was a jerk about it and kept making threats and even high fived a fellow officer when he brought me into the station.

The deputy that signed me in realized right away that I was out of my element and took pity on me. She kept me up front and processed me quickly. I should have been out in about an hour but they lost several prisoners and had a lock down. More fun. In the end, I was charged with driving on a suspended license.

Fast forward to yesterday. I went to court because paying a fine wasn't an option. I was there on time and seated while the nastiest man I have ever seen in a suit called out all the names. He skipped mine. I waited until he was done and raised my hand. He hissed at me that I must have been late. I remained calm and told him no I was skipped. That was all it took. I was on this guys shit list. He growled at me several times. I'm not exaggerating, he growled. He later yelled at me in front of everyone and told ME to stop yelling at him. I had not and several other people were quick to be sure I knew they felt he was being mean to me. No one stood up to him, of course. He put my file at the bottom of the stack. I saw him do it and another lady looked right at me to see if I saw him.

There was nothing I could do. I waited on a hard bench for 3 1/2 hours with a fever. I was polite until the Judge called a recess and said the last few of us would have to come back after 1:30. Considering I have so many kids getting off the bus to a locked house at 2:45, I was upset. I approached another solicitor and begged her to help me. I told her I would have to leave because I can't leave my children unsupervised and outside. The other guy heard me and yelled at me again that he would send an officer out to arrest me, if I left. I lady looked at me and pointed for me to sit down, and hold on. He was treating me like I murdered a few kids for fun. She took pity on me and was able to have it continued. I signed a sheet saying I understood that I couldn't have it postponed again and I would be there. My fine would be $700 and a year of probation. WTH?

Is anybody else shocked by this amount? I watched case after case of DUIs and they got less of a fine. My sister said I would walk away with time served and she would know considering she this is her job (some days) in our county. I don't think there is anything I can do to change it and now I have to come up with the full amount or sit on probation for a year. Of course, we can't be on probation and be a foster/adopt parent.

I hope the fat bastard chokes on his biscuit.

Someone...

Someone went right back to bed after they got dressed and had to be picked up and forced out the door to catch their bus.

Someone peed on themselves and tried to walk out the door with a GIANT wet spot from his waist to his knees. He was completely shocked I found this unacceptable and only changed after I asked 6 times.

Someone pooped in my driveway and thinks I am mean because I suggested they need to be supervised outside to be sure they found the bathroom when they needed to go.

Someone has a room that smells like pee.

Someone's teacher called and said many good things about them.

Someone called their G Gma and told her I was mean and they wanted to come home.

Someone refused to eat dinner because they were mad at me for scolding them after they attacked another child for no reason that anyone else could tell.

Someone had to sit and explain to a teacher that the child they see at school isn't the child their family sees and the tantrum the child spoke of having over the weekend was a 3 hour standoff that included hundreds of dollars worth of property and death threats.

Someone was threatened by a school official to either dis enroll an absent child or be reported to DFCS.

Someone found out 2 kids will be placed at one local facility while the other will be at another one forcing the family to drive all over the state for family therapy.

Someone had a tiny camera on the end of a long cord shoved up their nose a very long way only to hear they need to have their adenoids removed.

Someone got a second opinion today they didn't like.

Someone has a physical for their pending adoption tomorrow with 2 toddlers that terrorize every waiting room they visit.

Wonder what tomorrow has in store for Someone.

The Big Event

Kiera's Mom and sister, Lexi, are here for the weekend.

I'm busy making plans and getting organized for our annual Birthday Carnival. We had an offer from a reader that we couldn't refuse. She is a face painter and henna artist! She is coming up here to do our party for FREE! Can you believe it? Kelley, thank you so much! The kids screamed when they heard.

So as it stands, it will be Saturday October 16th this year. It will be big. It will be fun. We are doing a 7oft obstacle course, a bounce house, Ring Toss, Dinosaur Dig, Nose Picker, Toilet Paper Toss, Duck Pond, several more games, and of course the face painting and henna tattoos. I would be thrilled to convince my nieces to dress the part and make balloon animals. They aren't returning my texts. LOL We will serve cotton candy, hot dogs, sno kones, chips and tons of soda and capris.

The kids have lots of ideas and if I were a millionaire, we would be having a petting zoo, laser tag, clowns, bubbles, a real carnival tent, fortune teller, a cake with Jacob (from Twilight) jumping out, valet parking, pony rides, dunk tank, and more. They sure can dream.

Wanna come?

We have 2 approvals for RTC. One came yesterday for Michael and the other today for Ruthie. They have requested a bed at the same facility for both and hope to put Patches there, as well. It's been harder than I thought.

I'd love to get back to finding humor in my life. I'm working on it. I don't want to be swallowed by grief or anger and if I don't watch it, that's where I'm heading. I'm trying to have fun with my kids a little at a time. We are all holding hour breaths right now. Things should begin to calm once the three are at the hospital. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

My Little Heroes

I haven't been over there in a long time but I have started posting to my private blog. If you were invited before, your welcome back. I don't have room for new folks so I can't invite anyone else. I'm sorry.

My Little Heroes

Check it Out!

Online Schooling

Not to brag but really more of an apology, I have been given the honor of 11 blog awards over the years and never posted one of them. I confess, I didn't know how. It seemed simple enough but I kept telling myself I'd do it later. Never following through. Forgive me. I was so excited to get each and every one.

I just received another one. This one a little different. My readers nominated me and a panel of judges decided my blog was good! I figured this was the best time to get busy figuring out how to get the award up there. It's on the left side bar over there. Go check out all the other great winners, too!

The Fall Out

Michael started his weekend off really bad. Friday and Saturday was like a nightmare. He pulled it together Sunday. It could have been the fact I didn't give his meds Saturday night but Sunday morning. I knew he'd be groggy but I couldn't do another day restraints.

Patches let it all fly today. It's all my fault for giving her sister away. SHe hates me. Blah, Blah, Blah. It's like a broken record. I have no patience. None. She started to puff up at me and I asked her to go ahead and let it fly. I was ready and willing to take her down until the police got there. I was mad. She knew it. SHe was mouthy but backed way down. SHe decided to sit in her room all day without eating. I told her if she chose to come out and do her chore, she could join us for lunch. If she chose not to do it, she could make herself a PB&J and carrots to eat in her room. Nothing.

It took her until 7:30PM to come out and tell me she was sorry for the hateful things she said. I apologized, too. We talked about how she really does understadn that she had to leave and that it wasn't my fault. SHe offered that she feels I am a great mom and she is tired of abusing me just because she is upset about something. SHe did her chore and even giggled with Kiera before bed. I'm sure it's not the end of it.

SHe broke the 8th pair of glasses this year today. I'm not replacign them again. SHe is going to have to suffer a bit first. I don't care if she can't see the TV. Tough.

Sawyer had a rough day. He couldn't stay focused on anything longer than 30 seconds. It makes for a long day. He commented that he doesn't remember who touched his privates. I thought it was strange. I tried to talk about it because it seemed like such an odd comment. He backed down and changed the subject. Maybe someday he can try again. I think there may be something there. I really hope not. He is also stealing food constantly. Weird stuff like dry jello. Who eats dry jello? He creid for his G Gma at bedtime. He was mad he had to pick out new clothes for school after leaving the other set on the floor and they disappeared.

Their G Gma has to move. SHe is going to try to find a place closer to us. I am really looking forward to that. SHe is a super nice lady. She doesn't deserve to be treated like the bad guy her family plays her to be. SHe stood up for Anna and reported the uncle for abusing her and for attacking his gf. He is a loser that needs to have his bond revoked. I am working on that with the ADA's office.

A Change Is Coming

Thank you all so much for your incredible support and personal stories. You have moved me to tears.

Patches was a beast yesterday. She was able to get a grip before she threw her tennis shoe at me only because I reminded her that Kiera has been hurt enough. She set the shoe down after about 10 minutes and began sobbing. We talked about her pent up feelings and she was able to express her devastation at her sister's action. She compared what she did to what her father did tho all of them. She understands my need to protect them all from her but it hurts so deeply at the very thought of losing a member of her family. She told her all this.

Michael lost it briefly and recovered, the first time. The second time, was very bad. It was scary for the kids and for me. My husband had left with Cyr to get a tire fixed. Michael was acting very unsafe and scaring a few of the kids. I had warned him several times and explained I couldn't contain him any more that day. I sent him on to bed in my room. He began destroying my bed the instance I was out of his sight. When I entered the room to talk to him, he crawled under my bed and started kicking and tearing at it. There came a point, I had to get him out. Patches, my strong girl, lifted it so I could reach him. I tried to calm him but he was like a wild animal. He clawed, bit, and kicked me while I tried to get him into a safer position. I had to ask Patches for help with his legs for the first time. She was nervous but did exactly as I asked. When I was able to release him, I took him downstairs to sit in the living room to be monitored. I tried again to talk about what he was feeling. He flipped out! The craziest I have ever seen him. The power had been out and the house had heated up to about 80 degrees. My hands were sweaty and he is so small. He flung himself all over the place as he tried to kill me. He told me of his intentions and he looked wild enough that I believed him. I loudly told the kids to get the toddlers out of there and not a child moved to do it. He slipped out of my grasp again and I screamed it. He managed to reach up at me and rip my shirt nearly off me. He had clawed my knees and hands, hit me with his head on my mouth, and bitten me several times. I was covered in sweat by the time I was able to let him go without fear of being seriously hurt.

After all that had calmed. I asked the offending child to come out of her room. I asked her very specific questions, hoping to help her help her beloved brother not make a similar mistake. She caught on quickly and told him she wanted him to be happy and safe here. She sobbed that she feared she was losing all her family and he deserved to be happy. She took responsibility for having to leave. She confessed that I had done everything I could to stop her and she wanted to prove to me that I couldn't. She admitted she would probably do it again, if left here.

He screamed and sobbed the entire conversation. Ella sat quietly and sobbed in corner. Ava came and went several times, giggling and making jokes like she didn't care at all.

It took a long time to get it all out and my husband came in during it. He was livid. He warned him that he's had enough of the violence on his wife and he no longer cares what I think, he is going to step in from now on. He demanded that he take this opportunity to find ways to act like a son should. He had no right to torture all of his children and wife the way he does. The little ones are done being terrified that their mother is going to be hurt or taken away. This house is going to change. We will have zero tolerance for violence against others. The house needs to calm down, now. We will now report it to the police every time he hits me or hurts me, in any way. We will provide a safe and calm home for all the children that want to be here and are trying hard to overcome their past. We owe it to them. After 4 years, they either make significant attempts to be in a family or they choose to leave. It is completely up to them.

He was right, I'm done being abused. Allowing him to be here without real consequences reinforces the act of violence against me. He feels it is OK to use me as his personal punching bag every time he gets frustrated. How can I make him believe he deserves better if I act like I don't? I understand he is disturbed. I understand he has had a tough life and will never fully recover. I also see how he will treat his wife and children. I have to try something else. What I'm doing isn't working. I love him. I hope he decides to save himself. I promised him I will work as hard as he does. No less and no more. I can't carry him anymore. Our life at home is about to change. It has to.

Sharing Without Saying

I'm angry. One of my daughters has intentionally violated another child. I have reported it and no one is going to do anything. Nothing legally. This child is so much sicker than I ever imagined. She admitted to have planned it and waited for the right moments when I turned my back to her. Literally, in the same room some of the times. Due to her age, they won't press charges. I want to. I will do everything I can to make that happen. She will do this again. She has promised to even threatening to kill me to do it. She has no feelings of remorse and did it to get back at me. She is turning into a scary person. She will not accept all the help we have provided over the last 4 yrs. She is moving into my MIL's home until she can be placed in an RTC. At this point, I can't see her ever returning to our home. We would need a miracle. She would need to want to change. She doesn't. I hope she changes her mind before it's too late.

My kids are wrecks. Three are wetting day and night, again. Others talk about feeling unsafe again. I have tremendous guilt for not stopping her. I know she went through great lengths to accomplish it but she did it to hurt me, for no other reason. The victimized child is terrified to be out my sight. She is clinging to me constantly. She cries and screams all day about nothing. She hugs me as I weep for the lost innocence of one child and the inevitable loss of another child. As the days go by, I'm able to remember that I love her, despite her actions. Right now, she repulses me. I can't look at her. I can't be mean but I refuse to act like she didn't do it. She has damaged our relationship, our family.

I appreciate all the support and I'm sure I will share more publicly, in time. It's too raw. I'm too angry. She is too sick. It's too awful. For now, understand that I really tried to save this child. I really wanted her to stay. I really wish I would have listened more clearly to our therapists and sent her to RTC before things happened. The assured me, no one could have seen this coming. No one. She was kind and gentle to the other kids. Sexualized, yes. A danger to small children, never crossed our minds. She was allowed to play with other children supervised with numerous cameras in place. If she could get past that, she was dedicated to her mission.

Cyr already has a new boyfriend. He is adorable and seems really nice. He thinks she is the cat's meow.

Patches has a friend at school and we are excited as she is pondering how to ask her to spend the night, once we are safe enough.

Michael is still on my floor. He is unable to speak about his feelings until after a rage and many bad choices.

Sawyer is trying to connect and come to terms with all that has happened since he has been here. He like some of us.

Emma told me she thinks she is getting fat because she can't see her feet anymore.

Ella is holding her own. I see so much progress since last year. She will be fine.

Ava is amazing. Our little girls that once stole and lied about everything is gone. A new thoughtful and protective child has emerged. She loves us. She wants to be here. She proved it by working so hard and tells me daily.

Anna is working on eye contact and talking about her feelings. She stuffs them away. She would run away if she had to go back to her other family. She recognizes we are safe, even when some aren't.

Kiera has stopped using the potty and is back in diapers. We'll try again in a few months when things settle down.

Wyatt is a constant challenge. He is all boy. He is a daredevil.

She Can't Live In A Family, I Tried

I didn't see this coming. Charges are going to be filed. I informed her I will be sure she feels the full effects of her choices. When she leaves for treatment, I don't think we will allow her to return to our home. It is not out of spite. I haven't even thought through what we would or could do. I just know she can't be here anymore. I can't believe I feel this way. I can't believe she could do this to our family, our children. I don't know what we will do. She has made bad choices but this is a whole new ball game. I am looking forward to peace and quiet around here so I can learn to live with the guilt of making her leave. I thought I could forgive everything. She found the one thing I can't. I hate that she tried so hard to find it. I hate that she has to leave. I hate that she doesn't care.

I can't share the details. I can promise another investigation will follow the report tomorrow. I hope we all make it out of this together.

I have a child that is peeing on their bedroom floor, lying about silly things, ramming their bodies into everything from the floor to other people, destroying everything their their path, pushing every rule to the very limit, manipulating the adults around him, stealing food, hoarding, and masterbating inappropriately. In other words, this child is fitting in very well here. LOL

We have 2 sick toddlers, 3 sick big kids, and a sick mom. It is not pretty here, folks. Bitching, moaning, fevers, snot, flem, and a headache. If I could figure out a way to keep the toddlers in bed with me all day, I'd be good. They won't. They want to eat, bathe, and have their diapers changed. It's not fair. They are old enough to manage on their own, right? I mean they are 2.5, not 2 anymore. Kids grow up fast these days. Two and half is the new 4.

The new CW came and went Monday. She seemed to know her way around the job and the kids talked to her easily. Now we wait for our county to finish up the paperwork and take over.

Getting A Much Needed Break

SO far our new county school system experience has been great. I'm a little irritated about the lack of communication with transportation dept regarding Patches but I'm sure they are overwhelmed right now. How would they know I have 6 elementary kids that can not under any circumstances be left alone while I drive across the city to pick her up every afternoon. It's not their fault but it is causing me to pick her up late and I'm sure that doesn't look good and the stress it is putting on all of us is not fun either.

The cafeteria manger at the elementary school is really on the ball. The front office has been nothing short of amazing. The teachers have accepted our new kids and allowed them to use their new names. The kids told me this school is better than their old one. They love it here. I think a big part of it is the fact the front office lady hasn't treated them as second class kids living in an abusive home. LOL Did I ever mention that lady was let go towards the end of the year last year? Yippee but it was a little too late.

Anyway, I've decided to trust these folks with Michael's afternoon meds. It will help him adjust to coming home every day without attacking us. Last night I was forced to hold him for almost 30 minutes. He is extremely aggressive when he gets in the door every day. We can't continue like this and the meds will help. Ruthie started in last night right after he calmed and was sobbing in my lap. He went off on her, "Leave me alone! Mom has to hold me or I will kick her! Next time I will kick you! I Don't want to hurt people and she keeps me safe! I don't care if I have red marks. I'm not hurt!" I love him. He really needs intensive intervention daily and all the professionals are right, I can only do so much when the triggers are being in a home with people that love you. He knows this, I should have listened earlier. All 3 know it. I was so worried they would feel abandoned, they still do but they know it's right. Now to keep proving they are still all part of us and we all love them.

The toddlers are driving me insane. I rarely get to the point that kids are too much for me. I'm there with the toddlers. I need help. I can't take another day of screaming and whining. The aggression between them is shocking. If I separate them, they scream for each other. I've decided to spend an hour at the YMCA every day during the week starting next week. They offer free daycare and I could use the silence even if it means I have to exercises to get it. LOL

Overall, I am thrilled for the opportunity to parent all of these kids. They each bring a different joy to the family.

The First Day of School

We start back really early here, obviously. The day did not go as planned despite all my efforts. The night before, Cyr came to my room after her bedtime complaining she needed to do her eyebrows with the wax strips. We looked and couldn't find them. She used Nair instead. Let this be your warning, do not use that stuff on your face and if you refuse to listen to me, listen to the stinging sensation and get it off before it takes layers of your skin off. She didn't listen.

We didn't notice an issue until the next morning. She came out of her room and complained her eyes and lip hurt. I didn't look up, at first and just told her to get ready. She didn't move. I turned around and saw her problem from across the room. She had 2 BRIGHT red stripes under her brows and 1 over her lip. They were so red they looked painted on. She had no idea. I offered to put some of my powder mineral makeup on them. She winced in pain and it wasn't helping. She began to move around and then her eyes rolled back in her head right before she slumped to the floor. She passed out cold. She peed herself she was so out. All the elementary school kids needed to get out to the bus right that moment. I calmed every one until she opened her eyes. I promised she was fine, just tired, and off the went. She laid on the floor for 20 minutes while I showered and threw myself together.

Ruthie decided she didn't want to ride the bus alone and hid in our yard from the bus.

Anna (formerly known as Taelor) went to school and informed the school she is Anna D. They began to scramble fearing they had misplaced her somehow. After 30 minutes, they called me and accused me of failing to register her with the other children. I nearly fell out of the van. I explained that we will be adopting her and she had misunderstood and thought her name was now legally Anna. She is just too cute.

I had a phone conference with Patches' new school at the very time I had to take my little toddler boy to have oral surgery. Let's say, he needed me more and I ended the call quickly. He was screaming. He was terrified. Once the put the thing on his nose he quieted within a couple minutes. In a couple more, he was high. He began to babble up a storm. He was so out of it. At one point, he noticed his hand and told me to look at it. I'm still not sure why I was supposed to look at it. LOL He made it out and they are trying to save his front teeth.

The kids all came home squealing it was the best day ever. When I asked why their reply was, "Our bus has air conditioning and music!" It sure doesn't take much to please my babies, huh? Set the bar low so life always exceed their expectations.

It's official, they are placed here as a relative placement. We still have lots of paperwork and time for her to complete the adoption update on our home study but they are mine. I feel a deep sense of relief.

Now off to my busy day. First to the school, then to therapy, back to the middles school for open house, and home to cook, eat, bathe, and do our chores before hitting the sack.

Cautiously Optimistic

The G Gma came this morning and brought all their things, including their BC, SSC, IEP, Psychologicals, and school records. She stayed for hours and had lunch with us. I'm so glad she will continue to be a part of our family.

This afternoon, the SW came to inspect us. She was very pleasant. A really nice lady. She had only one concern, our state requires any foster child that has been sexually abused must have their own room. OK, that is great in theory but impossible here. I explained most of our children have been sexually abused and we had a safety plan in place to keep everyone safe. This nice lady that has been doing home studies for new families wanting to foster or foster to adopt just about fell over when I explained what they were. She kind of sputtered and said she would talk to her supervisor but she couldn't promise anything.

I took her on her tour of the house and pointed out all of our safety devices and she personally witnessed how it all works. She was surprised to find the bedrooms doors all locked so the children can't get in them and nearly giggled when the alarms went off letting the entire house know we were going in their room. She knocked on one of the bathroom doors and a kid informed her no one can be in the bathroom if the light is off and the door in unlocked. Again, a slight giggle. She liked the play room and saw the TV with the video monitor flashing all the rooms with cameras on, she paused and watched. I showed her how the entire available upstairs was not only caught by the different cameras but also recording them with sound. My son asked to run downstairs to grab his toy, I gave my permission and he began counting REALLY loud while running to get it. I didn't notice because I'm used to it but she asked why. I explained it keeps their mind actively engaged, they can't have a secret conversation or act, and I can tell by their voice exactly where they are. She was impressed.

In the end, she compared us to a therapeutic group home and praised us for our knowledge for caring for such high needs children. She told me she would call their SW on her way to her next appointment and see about getting them enrolled in school. I think it means we passed. I am only concerned because of her original statement about Michael having his own room. We offered to build a room this weekend, if needed. Not that we can afford it but would if we had to.

I contacted there SW and she was surprised about the room arrangement issue. She agreed to go ahead and send me the paperwork to enroll them the moment she spoke to her. I still haven't received it and just found out their office is closed on Fridays. This means the kids will miss the first morning of school, at least.

A New Day and A Better Perspective

Don't worry, folks, I've come back from the ledge. I have a much calmer view of the situation and a grip on how to really make this work. After speaking to the SW, therapist, G Gma, and the SW working on their Life History preparing them for adoption, we all agree that we can manage with my new and improved safety plan and they are darn lucky we are so experienced with this issue.

Speaking of that experience, I was thinking today about the time I spent working in a residential program for sexually abused children that were also predators. I could never have imagined that time would come in so handy now. It was not a pleasant time in my life. It was stressful and I resented some of the children for their behaviors towards me. I am so glad I don't resent my children. I find myself irritated but never resentful. I can look past the behaviors and love my children for who they are. I never excused the behavior or take it lightly. It is dangerous and scary but for some reason, I'm meant to parent children with this need.

I spent my entire life preparing to parent these children long before they were born by surviving my own sexual abuse, spending time in a group home as a child and working there as an adult, being involved with DJJ as a teen, healing through therapy, and going on to work in a residential facility that treated this behavior. None of those events individually means much but when you add them all together it has given me the ability to help MY children heal and cope with their own sexual abuse and acting out.

I know the next year or so will be difficult with all the adjustments. The new kids, the out of home placements, and their reentry to our home but we will all be ok. It may never look like the other families at their school but we will be connected through good and bad. They will know they can come home to be loved, accepted for their strengths and weaknesses, and wanted. All of them. Always. Hopefully, they will all return to live and help each other heal from this horrible mess. I know they want to but more importantly, I want them to.

Two Pregnancy Tests

In the past, I have been very open about what is going on here with their behaviors and choices. I can't right now. I can tell you they continue to shock me after all these years. The damage those pieces of crap parents have done to them is far reaching and we will all continue to pay for the rest of their lives. I am raging with anger for the wrongs done to all my children both old and new. I will never stop giving all my effort to keeping them safe here as long as they can be. I have no idea how I am still managing but I am. I feel stronger than ever. I WILL HAVE A SAFE HOME! I will teach them appropriate ways to show affection. I will model a healthy familial relationship. I will love them and help them heal regardless of their issues. I will do my very best to increase their self esteem and give them skills to help them stop being a victim.

With that said. It's been a rotten night full of confessions. More admitted abuse by extended family members and more horrific details about recent issues here. I will now have 3 leaving my home for RTC as soon as beds are available. I have administered 2 pregnancy tests to 2 separate minor daughters. Both were negative, so far. If positive, I would be the only grandmother this child would have. We are now on full alert with many new rules that a residential placement would be thrilled to have me install in their safely plan. I am armed with the knowledge of recent events and the motivation to change their lives.

I had a child cry to me tonight and ask how I can keep them all and why do I even try. I took both her hands and told her it was simple. I had a daughter once that hated me. She hated herself and her siblings. She sexually abused them and blamed them for it. She had no other emotions or connections to anyone. I was convinced she would be a serial killer and a sexual predator. I kept her. I made the house safe. I became a hard ass about every rule. I forced her to confront her feelings. I convinced her she was worth it. Now she is a lovely young lady, still making stupid choices of course, but she is safe. She has love and admiration for me and for herself. She laughs from her gut. She speaks her mind and feels her feelings. If I can watch her grow into the loving child before me, all my other children deserve the same chance. I have to try until I can't keep the others safe. Then I have to find a place that will work deeper and let them come home again.

All this crap on the heel of our home inspection Thursday to officially place the children here. I worry they will back out and remove them. We have the full support of our therapist and I hope that helps. I know we can not only manage but succeed with all the children. If you pray, do it for us. We need it now.

My Punishment

Things have become much calmer here without Patches home. She called me the first afternoon she got there and hasn't called since. She has had the opportunity every day at noon and again at 7PM. She doesn't want to talk to me. This is her way of hurting me.

Ruthie is terrified she is going to leave and has made a major change in her behavior and attitude. She is following me around like a puppy. She goes straight to her room if I go upstairs for any reason. She hasn't tried to come out of her room at night even when she was having nightmares. I'm hopeful this will continue. She seems to really want to be here. Don't get me wrong, I don't trust her but I am proud of her recent changes.

School starts August 2nd. I have to enroll them today or tomorrow. It makes my heart ache every time I begin gathering their paperwork or think about the school year. Patches won't be here. Ruthie will start school but will be leaving right around that time. I'm really hoping they get all the help they need quickly so they can return to us. To me. I have fought this so long that it feels like a giant failure. I know I did all I could. I know they both need help I can not give them. Neither child can be in our home safely right now. Knowing they have to be somewhere else doesn't make the separation any easier.

Involuntary Admission

The last few days have been very difficult. Patches' interpretation of every conversation she has is very different than what the rest of us hear. She seems to focus on 1 word and twist it around to be the worst possible meaning. An example would be a couple nights ago I removed all her favorite items from her room because she was so destructive that I was worried she would ruin them all. I usually let the child destroy their own property, if they wish to and the consequence for it is the loss of their property. In Patches case, she barely has anything and the few things she has left can't be replaced or are way to costly for us to replace weekly. They are things like pictures of her birth family, her glasses, her bedding, her clothes and shoes (she regularly destroys them in a rage and has very few nice things left), and gifts she has received from her old beloved teacher and family. I explained to her very clearly that when she was done with this episode, they would all be returned to her. Nothing would be sold or given away but if she began to destroy other people's things, she would have to earn her items back. All she got out of the conversation was that I was taking all her stuff to sell it. Really?

We sat in the ER last night after she made threats to kill me, my DH, and herself. Not a biggie until she calmly told me that she thinks about it alot and thinks she may do it, if I make her mad. Great. She is mad ALL the time. Literally. She has moments of freedom from her anger but they are few and far between.

In a rage the other night, she screamed something about being abused by her mother's boyfriend. I tried to ask her what she meant but she was too angry. I mentioned it again in the ER, she unloaded. Both Rosa and I were shocked to the point of fighting back tears. Sadly, I'm a little jaded from all the horrible stories but even this one took my breath away. Their mother deserves to spend the rest of life behind bars, if what she told me had ANY truth to it. Of course, I believe her. It sounded true. It matched up to some of her sister's stories, in the past, about locations and situations. I had always assumed the other person had been another woman.

I have no idea if anything will come of this. I'm not sure how dependable Patches would be considered. I believe her. Everything she has ever told me about her past has been backed up, eventually, by the other kids. She has been the first to tell just about everything. Patches is known for her brutal honesty.

I'm not sure if Patches will be returning here after her short term stay at the hospital. The nurse led me to believe it is possible to get her moved straight into the long term program we are waiting on. She will be deeply missed until she is well enough to return to us. She will return to us.

The other kids are doing well. Time to enroll the kids into school. We still aren't clear if the new ones will be enrolled here or not. The G Gma thinks they should and the SW wasn't sure how to legally do that since they are on a "visit".

All the rooms are rearranged and kids are sleeping in them. The house is mostly unpacked. The house is usually a mess. They are all little piggys and require constant reminders to pick up their toys, clothes, and trash. It is still a bit overwhelming, at time. I do see the light though. They will all learn their part in the family and be fine. In time.

A Great Day

We spent a good part of the day at The Children's Museum. They had a ball. Peyton wouldn't let Rosa drag him away from the ball section. He threw a major fit with screaming and kicking. I took pictures of him. LOL It was too funny watching poor Rosa try to politely and gently bring him back to the rest of the kids. Not gonna happen.

They drove tractors, planted and picked veggies, made all kinds of stuff out of moon sand, threw moon sand, threw balls, ran like their butts were on fire, showed their butt crack to the entire place, slid on the slide, dressed up, tap danced, listened to a story, made electricity to turn on a light and a fan, and checked out every stall in the restroom.

We came home to have Banana Splits for dinner. Before you go thinking, "How can she serve her children ice cream for dinner? She's a terrible mom." Think about it this way, the ice cream, whip cream, and chocolate sauce has calcium, the bananas, pineapple sauce are fruit, the crumbled cookies provide our starch, and the nuts are full of protein. It was a well rounded meal. The new kids called their Granny to tell her all about their dinner. She giggled the entire time. It was a good day.

Keeping Them Safe

One of the girls is acting out again. I don't think she will ever be a completely safe child. She is on meds to curb her libido and they aren't stopping her urges. I know most people think, "How can you keep her there?" or "How can you be sure other children are safe with her there?". The fact is, there is a chance in any family that has children that have survived sexual abuse that you will have some acting out. She is safer in our home because we know. We have taken special precautions to protect the other kids.

Remember when we discovered we had a predator in the house? I believe that was October 2008. Right before we finalized the adoption of the sibling group. I was a mess, at first. I loved this child. I had been completely snowed by her. I feared the rest of my children were in danger and I needed to figure out a way to keep them safe, even if it meant she had to go. The therapists that specialized in sexual abuse felt we cold mange.

We did many things to make our home safe. We moved her to her own room and bathroom. All the children were required to dress and undress in the bathroom only. We turned the video monitors back on with the focus on her. We paid attention to the things that got the kids excited or wound up and stopped those activities. Things like Hide and Seek, any chasing games, playing house is a trigger for one of my kids, personal space is a biggie, no shared blankets ever, no hands under the blankets, and there is always 3 or more kids playing together. Those are the general house rules but the child in question is kept close to an adult or in their room when they can't be watched. They are allowed to play with all the kids, just never alone with any of them. It is important for them to have interaction that is safe and appropriate but monitored.

I think the single biggest help was talking as a family. No secrets. We openly discuss (no details) what is going on with who. We talk about ways to be safe. We talk about how to handle specific situations. We give permission to protect yourself and examples. We talk about feelings towards each other without consequences. We talk about their past and how they are recreating it with each other. We talk about how these behaviors are not normal. We use that word because it does have an impact. Acting out sexually with your siblings is not in any world, normal. We talk about how to show your love in a more appropriate way. We do not freak out when they tell us they have a "tingly feelings". We talk about masturbation being normal and healthy as long as it is alone. We praise them for talking about these things with us and not acting out.

It's been a long time since we have had any incidents. The addition of the new kids has triggered some activity. Being completely honest, I'm not surprised but I am angry. The one acting out has been clear all along that she was struggling. She will now be videoed and recorded at all times that she is not with me. It makes me sad for many reasons but she is not a predator. She is acting out around others and crossing lines. She is manageable.

I believe that almost any child that is not predatory can be managed in a home with certain precautions in place. It isn't easy but can be done safely. I think a parent that educates themselves and their family about this can make this work. I have worked with well over 100 children in a residential setting that were predators and I have seen my own child work through this.

Some worry about the victim living in the same house with the child. Our experience with our sibling group has been amazing. We empowered the other children. We have watched them grow closer in a more appropriate way with a lot of guidance. We have seen real healing that could never have happened if we had given up. We have seen remorse and empathy that was not there just a couple of years ago. I was skeptical, at first. I have spoken to each of my children numerous times about it and I think it would have done more harm for them to lose another family member. They now consider that child the safest one in the house. This child has openly, on her own, begged for their forgiveness and promised to keep them safe. They trust her because she worked very hard in therapy and has kept her promises.

I Realy Wish....

Cyr put hairbows in both their hair. He loved it!
Someone could make the 2 yr olds stop screaming! I can deal with 20 kids playing, heck even playing really loud. I am about lose my mind with all the toddler screams. I swear, one of them screams every 3 minutes. It isn't a joyful scream. It isn't even a scream they are in pain, most of the time. It is a blood curdling scream that they are about to die! It is always over nothing. One has a toy so the other wants it. One is too close to the other. One wants something to eat so the other joins in screaming. Time outs are worse because they scream louder in them. We are forced to place them on the porch and watch them through the glass door. It is the only thing that calms them down quickly. I can't wait for them to outgrow this stage!

Michael Was Run Over By A Car Today

As if we didn't have enough going on my DH decided to add some excitement to our lives. He called me at noon today to chat while he finished his lunch. I was going on about something and heard some guy yell "Watch out!" in the background. At first, I assumed he was goofing off with someone and I was irritated he wasn't paying attention. I said hello a few times when it went silent on his end. I immediately heard a lot of commotion and then screams. I knew they were his screams. I felt my heart beat nearly out of my chest, my hands began to shake, and I told the kids to get dressed with shoes NOW. I listened for 8 minutes to the other customers yell out his injuries. I heard him yell to get the car off him. I was panicked. I had Cyr call Rosa and I answered the other line that kept ringing once I heard the EMTs were helping him. They had been eating in the restaurant.

He was taken to the hospital and treated for a crushing injury on his left leg. He may require surgery to relieve the massive swelling. He has chunks of skin missing all over. They had to scrape and scrub pavement and rubber out of his skin before the cast it. Both legs hurt and are injured but the left is by far the worst. He will live to torture me, as only he can do. I can't believe he survived this, too.

Monitoring Cameras

We currently use this one with 2 cameras. Our adoption agency was kind enough to purchase it for us when the sibling group came. It is portable and clear. I was able to use the restroom and watch them. LOL Sounds silly but I was holding it all day for fear someone would end up hurt.

We will investing in an internet based system that allows us to add a bunch of cameras and run it all through the internet. My DH has a friend that does it. It is expensive but we can start small and add on as we can.

Bad Dentist

I took the youngest to the dentist only to leave before they did any more damage to him. They wanted to strap him down without me back there. He was terrified. I made him an appointment with a doctor that will take his time, allow me back there, and try to make it as pleasant as possible. He is going to need extensive work. At least 4 teeth are rotten.

I spoke to our county Resource Development person today at DFCS. SHe faxed me tons of paperwork to get started and we'll be getting our fingerprints done again on the 15th. She seemed really nice and was excited to take our case personally so she could get a look into the house. She has always been curious about it. LOL I've been working like crazy still trying to unpack.


The oldest boy is back here. He informed me that he was going to try us out and if he doesn't like it, he will just not be adopted and live with his Granny. He has had his heart broken by another couple that promised to adopt them but ever did.

Emma is visiting her Mother for the week. SHe has manged to get her first bee sting and in the face. Today she was caught jumping on the sofa and chipped her front tooth. I keep trying to tell her Mother a few dings and bruises are fine just bring her back with all her parts. I'm beginning to think I need to rephrase that. LOL I'm really not mad, Nikki.

The Pool

We all went swimming at the Y. We returned with all the kids in tact. The toddlers passed out during the 10 ride home then scarfed down entire sandwiches, chips, and giant pickles. They were starved. No one was badly burned. I'm surprised they got any sun at all with the way I was chasing them down spraying them with sunscreen.

We are going back tomorrow and I think I will be able to manage alone from there on out. I know, 11 little ones and 1 mom. It sounds horribly challenging but every one has a partner that they have to keep up with. I can sit at the shallow end with the toddlers and see the entire area. Of course, counting to 11 the million and a half times during the visit to be sure they are all accounted for sucks.

I'm pretty strict about their behavior. If the life guard whistles at them, for any reason, they are out the rest of the day. They have to be aware of the other kids and be able to see me at all times. They really don't give me a hard time. I am concerned that the new Michael will present the biggest challenge. His ADHD can make him difficult to manage. I imagine the overload of stimuli will send him over the top.

I'd love to hear any suggestions on how you cope with so much energy.

Two Signatures Change Our Lives

I barely have time to catch my breath anymore but I didn't want today to pass without sharing something with you.

I received a call this morning from the G Gma. She was very excited and upset at the same time. She had spoken with the kids mother from the courthouse while she was awaiting the trial to terminate her rights. She asked for her Gma's advice and guidance with the decision and she declined to tell her what to do. She told her she couldn't do it anymore and no matter the outcome and she needed to think about what she felt was best for them, not her. She signed her rights away today with the condition we adopt all three. Their father's rights were involuntarily terminated today.

I cried. I cried for the kids, for their G Gma, and their parents. If I'm honest, I cried for all the hardship we will have during the next year while they learn our rules, their roles, grieve their parents, and how to accept our love. All of our lives changed today.

We had an incident with Patches last night that has forced our hand. She did close to $500 worth of damage to our home. She needs help. She needs her meds overhauled and not some quick weekend in the hospital. I signed all the paperwork to have her admitted into a residential treatment program in the coming weeks. Knowing me all too well, her therapist made me sign everything right then. I have backed out so many times because we had a good week, she said she wouldn't risk it. She could be gone 1-6 months. She will still be a part of our family and will return to us more stable. We haven't told her but she has asked to go numerous times. SHe knows she is struggling again and wants to be a healthy part of our family. I know she will do her best to get all she can from the program. It will be harder to make the other kids feel like she is still a part of us.