I'm Not Dead

Things have slowed down here with 2 of my ragers out of the house. I can't believe how calm the kids are. I am constantly cooking too mch food or waiting on phantom children to come in from school. It's weird. I feel like half the kids are gone.

Patches will be admitted Monday to the place where Ruthie is. The place that Michael is doesn't have room for her until after her approval expires. I had no idea they would expire. Medicaid refuses to give them extra time to get her in. I received a call from her therapist late last night and she said to do a lateral move in a couple weeks to the place Michael is. SHe said it will piss them off but Patches really needs to be over there instead. I'm all about pissing people off.

The kids ahve been out of school all week. We live in a county that gives them a week off every other month and a short Summer. It may work out better for me becasue I have them in shorter stints. I can keep them entertained easier.

We have spent the week working on catching up on all our projects. They have been cooperative and well behaved. I'm telling you, it's a new world over here.

Kiera is getting Peyton into trouble. She is so darn smart. It cracks me up. She will point out the banana on the top shelf and tell him to get it. He does. She showed him how to open the door to the garage and they dumped a 5# bag of shredded cheese on the lawnmower. SHe is in panties and convinces him to strip down to wear a pair. He always has poop in his diaper and it ends up on the floor. SHe tried to bury him in the sandbox. He has learned how to open the gate and when I yell for him to get back in, he runs giggling, "You can't catch me" with Kiera by his side. They keep me busy.

Sawyer is settling in. He has such a big heart. He wants to protect me. It is so sweet. He loves everything I feed him. Everything.

Cyr scared the crap out of me yesterday. The girl has had a migraine for 3 days. I told her she needs to go to the doctor and started loking for one tht could see her. No luck. I ran to take Sawyer to the doctor and she called me screaming. SHe felt a knife going thrugh her head and and could barely speak from through the pain. SHe called an ambulance before I could return home. Of course, having the kids home all week and working on projects outside, the house was trashed. I had been piling laundry up all day as it came out of the dryer. I'm sure to most it would look like a lot but it was sheets and pillows so it looked puffier. The dishes hadn't been done from breakfast and the floor wasn't mopped from the night before. Most families don't need to mop daily. We do. We had also trapsing in clay from the yard. It looked bad. I hope they don't report us. It is usually decent. Never spotless. Let them come clean up after my little pigs for a day, they'd understand that just becasue it was clean in the AM doesn't mean it is decent at noon.

Kiera's Mother and her BF are here spending the night. I grabbed her sister and they are passed out on the sofa.

I've been thinking, I really need to get back on here. I've been slack. Really, I've been overwhelmed. I didn't even know how bad it was until it calmed. I have a plan to take better care of myself and my marriage. It's working. Part of that plan is to get back on here. Don't hold your breath or anything. Just look for more of the old me to pop back in.

I tracked down Sawyer, Anna, and Emma's father. I had to call him repeatedly to get him on the phone but I did. He was crappy with me and threatened, nicely, to regain his rights and custody of them. I calmly explained it wasn't possible but he shoudl get an attorney. I assured him, regardless of his efforts to do that, we wanted to remain in contact for the kids sake. He played the blame game and skirted all responsibility for the need for adoption. It was sad. I laid down our rules for sobriety only in the presence of the kids. I couldn't care less about what he does at home, just be present for them when he's here. We don;t want anything from him except for him to remain in contact with the kids. He seemed relieved. HE spoke briefly to the kids and got back on the phone with me. He was much more polite. He asked if he was really invited to their party or if the kids shouldn't have said anything. I repeated the date and times and offered for him to bring his 4 step children and new daughter. He was excited to hear it. We'll see if her shows.

I have therapy with Ruthie tomorrow and a brief visit after that. Both kids are calling crying when they call. It's hard to remain strong. I keep assuring my son, he will come home when he's ready. We are waiting on him. I'm careful how I address it with Ruthie. I do not make promises. I can't see her here safely. I can't see her not living with us. It's gonna take a lot to fix what she's done.