Thursday, July 22, 2010

My Punishment

Things have become much calmer here without Patches home. She called me the first afternoon she got there and hasn't called since. She has had the opportunity every day at noon and again at 7PM. She doesn't want to talk to me. This is her way of hurting me.

Ruthie is terrified she is going to leave and has made a major change in her behavior and attitude. She is following me around like a puppy. She goes straight to her room if I go upstairs for any reason. She hasn't tried to come out of her room at night even when she was having nightmares. I'm hopeful this will continue. She seems to really want to be here. Don't get me wrong, I don't trust her but I am proud of her recent changes.

School starts August 2nd. I have to enroll them today or tomorrow. It makes my heart ache every time I begin gathering their paperwork or think about the school year. Patches won't be here. Ruthie will start school but will be leaving right around that time. I'm really hoping they get all the help they need quickly so they can return to us. To me. I have fought this so long that it feels like a giant failure. I know I did all I could. I know they both need help I can not give them. Neither child can be in our home safely right now. Knowing they have to be somewhere else doesn't make the separation any easier.

5 comments:

Integrity Singer said...

you know I've been down this road. call any time

Mothering4Money said...

Dang that mommy guilt. Just keep reminding yourself that you did what had to be done to help everyone. You've been a tireless supporter and advocate for all the kids. You've been a kick ass mommy to them all and will continue to be so, even with their stays out-of-home. You did the right thing. Doesn't make it any easier knowing that, but don't questions it ... it was the right thing at this time to get her the help that she needed. With mental illness, there may be more times when one loved one or another may have to live out of the home to obtain the needed treatment. Sucks sometimes that it has to be that way. But you are still family, always, no matter where everyone lives. You did the right thing. Be strong.

楊儀卉 said...

良好的開端,已是成功的一半。.......................................................

J. said...

that mama guilt is the hardest part, even though you know they need the space and time it is so hard to let them go. Take care of you and after you sign them up school treat yourself to someting tasty and delicious.

Babs said...

Thinking of you.