Friday, August 13, 2010

Sharing Without Saying

I'm angry. One of my daughters has intentionally violated another child. I have reported it and no one is going to do anything. Nothing legally. This child is so much sicker than I ever imagined. She admitted to have planned it and waited for the right moments when I turned my back to her. Literally, in the same room some of the times. Due to her age, they won't press charges. I want to. I will do everything I can to make that happen. She will do this again. She has promised to even threatening to kill me to do it. She has no feelings of remorse and did it to get back at me. She is turning into a scary person. She will not accept all the help we have provided over the last 4 yrs. She is moving into my MIL's home until she can be placed in an RTC. At this point, I can't see her ever returning to our home. We would need a miracle. She would need to want to change. She doesn't. I hope she changes her mind before it's too late.

My kids are wrecks. Three are wetting day and night, again. Others talk about feeling unsafe again. I have tremendous guilt for not stopping her. I know she went through great lengths to accomplish it but she did it to hurt me, for no other reason. The victimized child is terrified to be out my sight. She is clinging to me constantly. She cries and screams all day about nothing. She hugs me as I weep for the lost innocence of one child and the inevitable loss of another child. As the days go by, I'm able to remember that I love her, despite her actions. Right now, she repulses me. I can't look at her. I can't be mean but I refuse to act like she didn't do it. She has damaged our relationship, our family.

I appreciate all the support and I'm sure I will share more publicly, in time. It's too raw. I'm too angry. She is too sick. It's too awful. For now, understand that I really tried to save this child. I really wanted her to stay. I really wish I would have listened more clearly to our therapists and sent her to RTC before things happened. The assured me, no one could have seen this coming. No one. She was kind and gentle to the other kids. Sexualized, yes. A danger to small children, never crossed our minds. She was allowed to play with other children supervised with numerous cameras in place. If she could get past that, she was dedicated to her mission.

Cyr already has a new boyfriend. He is adorable and seems really nice. He thinks she is the cat's meow.

Patches has a friend at school and we are excited as she is pondering how to ask her to spend the night, once we are safe enough.

Michael is still on my floor. He is unable to speak about his feelings until after a rage and many bad choices.

Sawyer is trying to connect and come to terms with all that has happened since he has been here. He like some of us.

Emma told me she thinks she is getting fat because she can't see her feet anymore.

Ella is holding her own. I see so much progress since last year. She will be fine.

Ava is amazing. Our little girls that once stole and lied about everything is gone. A new thoughtful and protective child has emerged. She loves us. She wants to be here. She proved it by working so hard and tells me daily.

Anna is working on eye contact and talking about her feelings. She stuffs them away. She would run away if she had to go back to her other family. She recognizes we are safe, even when some aren't.

Kiera has stopped using the potty and is back in diapers. We'll try again in a few months when things settle down.

Wyatt is a constant challenge. He is all boy. He is a daredevil.


Brandy-new rad mom said...

My heart goes out to you. I think we can all read between the lines if you are unable to publicly post it. You don't have too. I pray for you daily and will continue to do so. I am sorry about your loss of safety and I have no doubt that you have done everythingto help this child. My fear? I look up to you and the actions you have taken to keep your kids safe, cameras, monitoring, etc are nothing short of amazing. I am scared that even with all those safeguards in place this happened to your family. Should I fear the worse for my own.

You are an insanely strong mom. Don't ever forget that!

We will continue to pray....

GB's Mom said...

I am so sorry for you and your family. I have heard therapists and psychiatrists recommend RCT for three of mine, over the years, and it is very hard to conceive that a child you love is that sick. {{{Hugs}}}

Lyn said...

Anyone who has "known" you for any length of time knows how much you wanted this family to be safe with each other and to be whole. You can't un-do this damage. All you can do is love them, even if you have to love them from a distance. I'm praying for you, keep your head up, you have made a difference in SO many lives. Including my own, you've changed the way I love, appreciate and protect my own children. Sending love and prayers your way, daily!

MyLinda said...

So sorry to hear that your family is having to deal with this. You are being the best mom possible by getting her the help she so desperately needs. Unfortunately you may never feel that she is safe to come home but you have done everything in her best interest and you have to protect your other children!

Emma said...

Tudu, I am sorry that this is happening to you and your family. You are amazing and are an inspiration for so many of us.


Anna said...

***sorry if this double posted but my browser just crashed so i wanted to make sure***

I don't comment much but I want you to know that I've read every single one of your entries and because of you (and some other foster/adoption bloggers as well, but you were the first) I've learned that the ultimate achievement for me in overcoming my abusive upbringing will be to help others overcome theirs. It's a long term goal for me as I still have a lot of baggage from the past to work through, but I know I'll get there. I've been in such dark places and been nearly zombified by meds and told I would most likely not make it out in the world on my own. Now I'm med free, strong enough to keep it together without constant therapy and hospitalizations, and married to a loving man. I think your girl will get to where I am. She's still really young and she has your love NOW, not at age 18 like the age I was when I started to heal. Just look at how far Cyr has come -- you continued to believe in her even when I thought it was impossible for you to pull it off and keep your family together. Your child in trouble now (I think I've figured out who) is a different person but you're not. I know you can do this. You are my hero every day.

Lisa said...

Your therapist is right, if you had all of these safeguards in place (I don't do half of that and it's exhausting to me already, I am humbled by your dedication) and she worked this hard to get around them, she was absolutely going to do it. The one thing I am most surprised by is that she hasn't gotten in trouble at school where there is considerably less supervision.

You have done EVERYTHING you can -I think I wrote that to you months ago and you still kept doing MORE. The best thing you can do for her right now is to keep her away from the kids and get her professional in-patient help. Good luck.

Kate said...

Everyone knows you exhausted every single option. The other children that once seemed so traumatized (Cyr, Ella, Ava) are well on their way to healing which shows your true efforts and dedication to your children. Some children just need that extra help and care (RTC). I hope one day she will heal and move on from her past. I have so much faith she will, just as Cyr did. I am so devastated and stunned over this news, I cannot even imagine how you feel. Please let me know if I can ever be of any help. My thoughts, support, and prayers are always with your family.