Saturday, August 14, 2010

A Change Is Coming

Thank you all so much for your incredible support and personal stories. You have moved me to tears.

Patches was a beast yesterday. She was able to get a grip before she threw her tennis shoe at me only because I reminded her that Kiera has been hurt enough. She set the shoe down after about 10 minutes and began sobbing. We talked about her pent up feelings and she was able to express her devastation at her sister's action. She compared what she did to what her father did tho all of them. She understands my need to protect them all from her but it hurts so deeply at the very thought of losing a member of her family. She told her all this.

Michael lost it briefly and recovered, the first time. The second time, was very bad. It was scary for the kids and for me. My husband had left with Cyr to get a tire fixed. Michael was acting very unsafe and scaring a few of the kids. I had warned him several times and explained I couldn't contain him any more that day. I sent him on to bed in my room. He began destroying my bed the instance I was out of his sight. When I entered the room to talk to him, he crawled under my bed and started kicking and tearing at it. There came a point, I had to get him out. Patches, my strong girl, lifted it so I could reach him. I tried to calm him but he was like a wild animal. He clawed, bit, and kicked me while I tried to get him into a safer position. I had to ask Patches for help with his legs for the first time. She was nervous but did exactly as I asked. When I was able to release him, I took him downstairs to sit in the living room to be monitored. I tried again to talk about what he was feeling. He flipped out! The craziest I have ever seen him. The power had been out and the house had heated up to about 80 degrees. My hands were sweaty and he is so small. He flung himself all over the place as he tried to kill me. He told me of his intentions and he looked wild enough that I believed him. I loudly told the kids to get the toddlers out of there and not a child moved to do it. He slipped out of my grasp again and I screamed it. He managed to reach up at me and rip my shirt nearly off me. He had clawed my knees and hands, hit me with his head on my mouth, and bitten me several times. I was covered in sweat by the time I was able to let him go without fear of being seriously hurt.

After all that had calmed. I asked the offending child to come out of her room. I asked her very specific questions, hoping to help her help her beloved brother not make a similar mistake. She caught on quickly and told him she wanted him to be happy and safe here. She sobbed that she feared she was losing all her family and he deserved to be happy. She took responsibility for having to leave. She confessed that I had done everything I could to stop her and she wanted to prove to me that I couldn't. She admitted she would probably do it again, if left here.

He screamed and sobbed the entire conversation. Ella sat quietly and sobbed in corner. Ava came and went several times, giggling and making jokes like she didn't care at all.

It took a long time to get it all out and my husband came in during it. He was livid. He warned him that he's had enough of the violence on his wife and he no longer cares what I think, he is going to step in from now on. He demanded that he take this opportunity to find ways to act like a son should. He had no right to torture all of his children and wife the way he does. The little ones are done being terrified that their mother is going to be hurt or taken away. This house is going to change. We will have zero tolerance for violence against others. The house needs to calm down, now. We will now report it to the police every time he hits me or hurts me, in any way. We will provide a safe and calm home for all the children that want to be here and are trying hard to overcome their past. We owe it to them. After 4 years, they either make significant attempts to be in a family or they choose to leave. It is completely up to them.

He was right, I'm done being abused. Allowing him to be here without real consequences reinforces the act of violence against me. He feels it is OK to use me as his personal punching bag every time he gets frustrated. How can I make him believe he deserves better if I act like I don't? I understand he is disturbed. I understand he has had a tough life and will never fully recover. I also see how he will treat his wife and children. I have to try something else. What I'm doing isn't working. I love him. I hope he decides to save himself. I promised him I will work as hard as he does. No less and no more. I can't carry him anymore. Our life at home is about to change. It has to.


GB's Mom said...

BTDT. Praying for you and your family, but honestly, mostly you. {{{Hugs}}}

Lisa said...

I agree 100%. My son is 16 and has been here since he was 9 mos. He has developmental delays, FASD, failure to thrive, probably RAD, ADD, ODD, etc. When he hit puberty, he lost his mind. Keep in mind that he is extremely small for his age and doesn't show outward signs of puberty (such as hair growth or height) - if he did, he would already be gone from our home. After a 17 days psychiatric stay after losing it in front of his psychiatrist (after YEARS of being the model patient and the psych. thinking I was making all this crap up) he came home worse. He'd learned new ways of controlling our home - false allegations (to get him removed and get a new family) abound to this day (the hospitalization was almost 2 years ago). Whenever he wants something specific he'll say, "I want to be part of the family now, what do I need to do?". This is always short-lived and ends in tantrums because what I'm asking is too much for him. We're beyond done. This summer - my husband has taken him to work with him every single day to sit in a chair and do nothing. Why? Because 5 hours into our first day of summer vacation he freaked out and starting flipping over outdoor furniture and terrorizing our already emotionally fragile kids. He cannot hold us hostage anymore and we will not allow him to dictate one moment of our time. Enough is enough!!! You deserve peace - you are doing so much for all of them!! My mantra has been, "I will not work harder on their problems/issues/lives than they do". I find myself doing too much and I purposefully pull back and hand them the problems back again. You have given them the tools they need to improve, it's time for them to start owning their own behaviors.

Innocent Observer said...

When you are right, you're right. And You are always right! Go Tudu!

Shea said...

Praise god your husband put his foot down. All the other children who are non violent should not have what can be salvaged of their childhood ripped away so that 1 or two can be saved. Zero tolerance is right. Allowing the children to see you victimized is no different than them living in a home where one parent beats up the other. Please know I admire you, but what can be gained if everything is lost?They need you strong and healthy, not beaten, battered, and sobbing.

Kathy said...

Wow. I have spent over a week reading your blog from the beginning. I can't remember where I found the link, but I am in awe. You are an amazing mother and your family's story is enthralling. Everytime I had to stop reading, I couldn't wait to come back to it. After reading about the last few years, it is inspiring to see the changes and growth in all of your children.
I hope that you will find peace in the decisions and changes you are currently making. And that your children will also find peace and their place in the world.

Kate said...

I'm so confident your family can get through anything. Love to you all.

Kelly said...

right again.

Anna said...

This pained me so much to read. I know the time has come to protect yourself and the non-violent children more so, especially as Michael and the others with greater issues get physically more intimidating and mentally more clever. I just ache so much for him and anyone with problems like his. You do have to draw a line and own your behavior at some point but it is so, so hard to do, especially when things have already gotten that bad and you just don't know how to stop. Even if you've been told you must a million times. I will hold him in my thoughts.