Don't worry, folks, I've come back from the ledge. I have a much calmer view of the situation and a grip on how to really make this work. After speaking to the SW, therapist, G Gma, and the SW working on their Life History preparing them for adoption, we all agree that we can manage with my new and improved safety plan and they are darn lucky we are so experienced with this issue.
Speaking of that experience, I was thinking today about the time I spent working in a residential program for sexually abused children that were also predators. I could never have imagined that time would come in so handy now. It was not a pleasant time in my life. It was stressful and I resented some of the children for their behaviors towards me. I am so glad I don't resent my children. I find myself irritated but never resentful. I can look past the behaviors and love my children for who they are. I never excused the behavior or take it lightly. It is dangerous and scary but for some reason, I'm meant to parent children with this need.
I spent my entire life preparing to parent these children long before they were born by surviving my own sexual abuse, spending time in a group home as a child and working there as an adult, being involved with DJJ as a teen, healing through therapy, and going on to work in a residential facility that treated this behavior. None of those events individually means much but when you add them all together it has given me the ability to help MY children heal and cope with their own sexual abuse and acting out.
I know the next year or so will be difficult with all the adjustments. The new kids, the out of home placements, and their reentry to our home but we will all be ok. It may never look like the other families at their school but we will be connected through good and bad. They will know they can come home to be loved, accepted for their strengths and weaknesses, and wanted. All of them. Always. Hopefully, they will all return to live and help each other heal from this horrible mess. I know they want to but more importantly, I want them to.