The stress is building here. My poor husband is losing his mind. He is stressed by the never ending energy Sawyer has, that both vans are breaking down simultaneously, that we had 3 kids sleeping in our room last night, that someone smeared poop on the bathroom wall again, that it is taking so long to move the kids to the hospital, that I have court Thursday and will be spending money we do not have, the constant pain in his leg from the accident, but all of that fails to compare the worry he has about his Mother's health issues. He blamed me for all the kid stress today. He swears I love all the drama and stress they torture us with. He just can't wrap his mind around the fact that we are just handling things differently. He, like the kids, feel like I'm not doing enough to get them moved. It's crazy. It's not up to me when they leave. I signed everything, it's all up to someone else now. We have dates. We just have to wait. He worries it is too little too late. He worries things won't calm down.
Like I said, topping it all off is his Mother's health. She was dx'd with breast cancer more than 10 yrs ago. She has been fine up until a couple of months ago. She hurt her shoulder and had it xrays done. She has bone cancer. It is advanced. She is a fighter. One of the toughest people I know. I can't imagine a little thing like cancer getting her down for long.
She was his world growing up and long into adulthood. His protector and cheerleader. The only parent he had. He can't think past the 3 year life expectancy. All he thinks about is 3 more Christmases, 3 more Thanksgivings, and how his children will never appreciate all she has done for us, for them. He is beyond angry with the way Ruthie and her husband are treating her. He breaks down at the mere mention of her. He wants to be there for her but can't seem to cope with this himself.
I explained to him that all the blaming in the world won't make this better. If he moved out of our home, "the source of all his depression", the very things he is upset about would follow him. His mother's illness, the kids issues, the pain in his leg, lack of intimacy with his wife, his dying van, etc. He would add a huge financial drain called child support. I suggested he think about living in his mother's basement and dating. LOL That thought alone makes me laugh. Wait until he tells them how many kids he has. ROFLMAO He isn't going anywhere any time soon. He just needs to vent and crawl back out of this hole he has been in since July 2nd.
We have a night out ALONE scheduled for this weekend. Thanks to my fantastic sister who is looking forward to babysitting for us. She suggested to save money we pack a snack and just do it in the van. She cracks me up.
About Me
- Tudu
- Deep South, United States
- I am the mother of 10 children, 6 are part of a large sibling group we adopted through foster care in 2006, 2 are our grown foster daughters, 2 are from independent infant adoptions in 2001 and 2008. Every one of them have their own issues to work through from Schizo-Affective Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Complex PTSD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Sensory Integration Dysfunction, ADHD, and Cerebral Palsy. Most of our children have been victims of sexual abuse by a close family member, most acted out sexually or exhibited predatory behaviors. We are currently trying to figure out where the trauma ends and mental illness begins in each of their lives.
6 comments:
You know Shel and I had a huge "fight" this week and I know my stress level has been above my coping (and we arent dealing with what you are). I finally realized that probably the majority of that is the fact under the surface I am completely, thoroughly terrified about what my dad is going through. I cant BE the parent when such a big part of me feels like a child - a child of a sick parent. Its scary, and I realize that I am not coping AT ALL because of that.
Hugs to both of you - living with me with brutal right now :) so I can understand both your husband and your stresses.
I have to go with sis's advice. It works for us anyway (I know..TMI)
Thanks to KiKi! You guys need a week-end alone somewhere out of town. If it is possible, after the kids go to the hospital, I will be happy to come out and spend the week-end. My better half can stay home and see what its like to be alone! I wish Michael would realize I am not going anywhere soon! That 3 years is the Dr. idea, not mine!.. I have to dance at Cyr's wedding and go to all the graduations for high school and college. I love you all!!!
It is so hard when you have different coping styles and are under that much stress. I know how it feels to KNOW you are losing a parent and are unable to do anything about it. I have also played the waiting game, where placement dates are out of your hands. {{{Hugs}}}
do it in the van! DO IT!!!
BTDT - it is so...hard to parent these kids. We give and give and ultimately have to come to the conclusion that they need to do their part to make any of it work. We can't do the work to heal them for them, but it's extremely easy to get sucked into that mind-set. Once we're so entrenched we can't see clearly, we realize that our stress levels are not normal (usually crazily over the top before we realize it) and probably haven't been for ages. It wears us down, makes us say and do silly, crazy, hurtful things to the very people who are supposed to be our supports, our spouses. Let him vent, but make sure he knows you are in this TOGETHER and that the kids (and their issues) are just a period in your lives. When they're grown and gone, you'll still be there for each other.
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