In the past, I have been very open about what is going on here with their behaviors and choices. I can't right now. I can tell you they continue to shock me after all these years. The damage those pieces of crap parents have done to them is far reaching and we will all continue to pay for the rest of their lives. I am raging with anger for the wrongs done to all my children both old and new. I will never stop giving all my effort to keeping them safe here as long as they can be. I have no idea how I am still managing but I am. I feel stronger than ever. I WILL HAVE A SAFE HOME! I will teach them appropriate ways to show affection. I will model a healthy familial relationship. I will love them and help them heal regardless of their issues. I will do my very best to increase their self esteem and give them skills to help them stop being a victim.
With that said. It's been a rotten night full of confessions. More admitted abuse by extended family members and more horrific details about recent issues here. I will now have 3 leaving my home for RTC as soon as beds are available. I have administered 2 pregnancy tests to 2 separate minor daughters. Both were negative, so far. If positive, I would be the only grandmother this child would have. We are now on full alert with many new rules that a residential placement would be thrilled to have me install in their safely plan. I am armed with the knowledge of recent events and the motivation to change their lives.
I had a child cry to me tonight and ask how I can keep them all and why do I even try. I took both her hands and told her it was simple. I had a daughter once that hated me. She hated herself and her siblings. She sexually abused them and blamed them for it. She had no other emotions or connections to anyone. I was convinced she would be a serial killer and a sexual predator. I kept her. I made the house safe. I became a hard ass about every rule. I forced her to confront her feelings. I convinced her she was worth it. Now she is a lovely young lady, still making stupid choices of course, but she is safe. She has love and admiration for me and for herself. She laughs from her gut. She speaks her mind and feels her feelings. If I can watch her grow into the loving child before me, all my other children deserve the same chance. I have to try until I can't keep the others safe. Then I have to find a place that will work deeper and let them come home again.
All this crap on the heel of our home inspection Thursday to officially place the children here. I worry they will back out and remove them. We have the full support of our therapist and I hope that helps. I know we can not only manage but succeed with all the children. If you pray, do it for us. We need it now.
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9 comments:
Such sadness, grief and anger that can reside in us over our children and what was done to them, and how they continue the sickness. Praying for you, for physical strength and divine intervention in these kids' lives. God bless you for your faith and your strength. You need both.
I needed to hear all of those positive affirmations you listed. I fear that my children, who have been affected by FASD, ADD, ODD, OCD, etc. are beyond hope (now mid to late teens) and then I read how hopeful and determined you are with many more serious issues. It shames me and sends me back to the place I need to be in my journey.
Praying for your continued strength and determination to heal these children - your children.
I am praying for peace in your home, knowledge, strength and endurance. Loving you from Ohio
Praying for your situation. God knows what you need. {{{Hugs}}}
My heart sunk when I read this. Three children now off to RTC? When I read the title, I thought you were the one that took the tests. I am so upset to read differently. I am truly hoping that since it was to two different daugthers, and you said you would be the only grandmother the child has if it were positive, that does not mean what I think it means. I am praying it does not mean what I think it means. I am praying for all of you. You are amazing. Would it not be so traumatizing for the kids to go through yet another trial, I'd say I hope those other extended family members that took part in their abuse were jailed for life. Nothing can change what their birth parents have done, but you are the best person in the world to be their parent now.
do you have the girls on b/c? For some of my kids it has been necessary, not only because of all the lack of impulse control combined with s*x issues, and raging teenage harmones, but because it diminished the crazy pms/harmonal mood swings and allowed for some healing, if you get the depo or similar types...
anyways still praying for you!
Oh, how hard. Your love and resolve shine.
Sending {{{hugs}}}
Ugh! I'm sorry. You are an inspiration -- keep at it.
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