We left home at 9 AM and returned at 6PM. It was a tough day for everyone involved and I am glad it is over. This visit to the Psychiatrist was the initial visit to her and took a lot longer than I had hoped. We doubled Patches and Michael's meds and added Risperdal to Ava. I am happy with her decisions. Patches and Michael showed their butts in the waiting room and in her office so she got to see a minor version of their behaviors. Patches was in shut down mode and refused to look at her or speak, when I tried to touch her arm she flinched and hollered. Michael beat his head against the wall and kicked the floor the entire time only screaming out a few times but mocked me the entire visit with hand motions and nasty faces behind my back. She loved the way I dealt with the kids and told them how lucky they were. HAHAHAHAHA, if she only knew I really wanted to beat their cute little rears at times like this.
This is the 2nd morning in a row I have gotten up with a migraine. I took something and needed to lay back down for a bit with a warm rag. The kids had a better idea and got up, I told them to go watch cartoons for a bit thinking Cyr was still in bed. SHe has hit that lovely age when she can sleep through a tornado, not today though. SHe had somehow gotten past me. Michael and the twins asked to get dressed and I agreed. The part that made me shoot outta bed and run downstairs was when the front door slammed. They decided if they were dressed they could go outside. Not here. I have to supervise b/c they still do not help each other out like they should. They do not feel pain and tend to not ask for help when they really need it but cry like they are dying over a paper cut. It is very strange but the others do not respond appropriately either. It is getting better but an adult must be "around" when they are playing outside, just in case.
Ruthie is really struggling with emotions lately. I think the move is to blame but she is blaming us again for her removal from her parents care and them for any poor choice she makes. No, it doesn't make sense and I am not sure exactly how to help her understand that. We have a rule that applies to any disagreement, you can only be mad at someone here for what they have done that day. You can't blame them for others doings or things they did a long time ago. My kids have a very difficult time staying in the present when they get upset. We are trying to drive this concept home for her but she isn't getting it. Last night she asked to go to bed early and then proceeded to trashing her room and screaming at the kids when they went to bed 15 minutes later. It took her over an hour to get her to stop sobbing. She has no idea what started it but of course she hated us all for making her live here.
Emma is spending 2 nights with her sister, Mother, and Nana. I am so happy for her, she is having a blast. We all miss her here, even the kids commented on her absence.
I think I have discovered Cyr's new plan. She is grooming Emma. I began to notice her spending a bit more time with Emma and then with her sister when she came. I have seen Cyr slowly break or bend rules we have in place just for her and other children. She can not sit touching anyone, can not hold anyone, carry anyone, have anyone on her lap, etc. She is doing all these things like they are accidents. We have 2 kids we trust are strong enough to stand up to Cyr, Patches and Emma. Both have no problem with inappropriate touch or telling her what to do. We never allow them alone with her but they are in charge of her and other children, kind of like a monitor if I use the restroom or am in the next room. If I can not personally view the play, they are to step in and do a very good job of it. What I am seeing now is Cyr is barely breaking a rule and doing it over and over until it is acceptable and then breaking it a bit more. She asked if Emma and her sister could sleep in sleeping bags on her bedroom floor the other night. I laughed and told her, "Nice try". We will have a nice long chat with Emma and Patches when she returns, Cyr will no longer have the privilege of being around multiple any children w/o direct adult supervision. I trust her even less now and that makes me so sad. I am glad to have caught this behavior before it escalated into abuse. I am glad I recognize it for what it is b/c you want so badly to believe they are capable of remorse and healing, she is not. I want her to "out grow" this but I know she won't stop until she starts to make progress in therapy. She has made no effort there at all.
About Me
- Tudu
- Deep South, United States
- I am the mother of 10 children, 6 are part of a large sibling group we adopted through foster care in 2006, 2 are our grown foster daughters, 2 are from independent infant adoptions in 2001 and 2008. Every one of them have their own issues to work through from Schizo-Affective Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Complex PTSD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Sensory Integration Dysfunction, ADHD, and Cerebral Palsy. Most of our children have been victims of sexual abuse by a close family member, most acted out sexually or exhibited predatory behaviors. We are currently trying to figure out where the trauma ends and mental illness begins in each of their lives.
7 comments:
Wow, you are a terrific mom with insight like that. Most people would just be glad the kids are "getting closer" or "playing together more." You've learned vigilance, and thankfully you have the 2 girls as allies in that area. We wnt to trust our kids, to believe they are progressing and healing, but need the guts to see things as they really are to actually help them. Yesterday my daughter (13) laughed and made inappropriate comments on hearing that our dear friends' dog died. That was a clue for me. I'm realizing empathy is not "learned" -- you can learn to FAKE having empathy, but the real thing either springs out of your heart or it doesn't. I'm torn between interpretig her laughter and comments as nervousness because deep down she really DOES care about the friends and the dog -- or taking it a face value and seeing her mental health where it really is. -- Rachel
I so can feel your anguish in dealing with your daughter's grooming behaviors. My middle daughter had to be supervised at all times also. But she would still get around the rules and sometiems I would let my guard drop. Each time she pounced and we had the abuse fallout to deal with. What I love is how other people refuse to hear you when you express the need for constant vigilance with the child. My daughter was exceptional at fooling the other adults in her life into thinking she was a sweet, compassionate, misunderstood child. And then despite warnings, the school would let her "aide" in the kindergarten room, or in the multi-handicapped room. And we would have incidents.
I hope she makes progress in therapy, my darling did not get as much help from therapy as I would have hoped, but I learned a lot! So it was all good.
Beth
I think like all of us, she'll change when she's convinced that there is more to be gained by changing than by keeping the same behaviour.
Like I was saying on someone else's blog recently, kids have no real consequences in life. She can't babysit... Does she really care? I doubt it. When you get to where you can't pay rent or buy food or you're going to jail or someone just pulled a knife on you, you're a little more likely to think "hmmmmmmm..." than when you're 11 and you can't babysit.
I'm not saying quit trying, of course. Just don't take it personally if you can't make it happen.
((HUGS))
Or more accurately, if you can't control the timing of it, is what I was trying to say.
Aaahhh, the inappropriate hurts. My daughter nearly chewed off her thumb the other day, then tried to dig the nail off the other thumb when I told her to cut it out, then ripped her big toenail off so it would gush blood everywhere. No tears. No sweat. Just surprise that I said "Gross." Yet, she was limping an hour later for a bruise on her knee that she had gotten 4 days or so earlier. Huh? You could cut off her arm and if there were toys around she wouldn't notice but god forbid that papercut to get in the way of schoolwork. That's definately a reason to go to the nurse's office...four times. Kids with R.A.D. Gotta love 'em.
I have been lurking here for awhile and thought that I should introduce myself. I am the adoptive Mom to a beautiful 8yr old biracial daughter with RAD. I actually read your blog from start to finish and am amazed by your attitude! These kids are really lucky to have you. We have had our daughter for 15 months and in May our adoption will be final for 1 year! I have gotten to know Lisa & J through an online support group and she pointed me here. I am glad she did!
Gerri
I hate leaving this anonymous but my abuse was never reported and I'd like to keep it this way. I have to say, all the therapy and all the love will not make the urge to abuse go away. I was abused and I'm not an abuser but when I see an opportunity I do recognize it...I've been in counseling and know how sick it is, but I can't help but recognize an opportunity to abuse. I was 25 when I finally realized that what I had experienced was in fact abuse but you never heal. It's always there and it always makes you feel involuntarily involved.
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