Sunday, April 20, 2008

Cyr and a Night Out

I was told at the AT's office that they were extremely concerned about Cyr's need for uping the situation. When she is caught doing one thing she will stop that and begin with a new plan to try to deceive us. It is a constant struggle to figure her plans out. I blogged a small bit about her recent grooming of Emma and her dropping her Dad when a no contact rule was put in place. SHe later decided to begin slowly breaking that rule until she was able to get away with all her previous behaviors, I put a stop to that. The ATs' concerns is that who will be next. Do we wait for her to get away with something that will change the life of one of my children and cause her to never return home or do we take the step of placing her out of the home in an RTC that will help her and support her through it and she can some day return home? Her other behaviors are nonexistent. She will do almost anything I ask, of course, it is her way and never mine, she does her homework, she has no outbursts, she really has no other issues except her sexual predatory behaviors and her complete lack of emotions. Her AT claims that she has psychopathic behaviors that make her dangerous even though she seems harmless. I understand she does but I feel we have this under control. I couldn't bare the thought of her hurting another one of my children and as awful as this sounds, particularly Emma. She has not been abused and I feel it would do more damage to her than the others who have already experienced this trauma.

With all that said, we have decided to keep her here for several reasons. My DH has taken a job out of state for up to several months. He will make between 3 to 5 times his regular income and it gives Cyr and I time to work without his constant presence and distraction. He will return for the weekend after the first month a couple of times a month. I will have access to him via the phone, it will be an adjustment but since I do all the real work with the children, we will all manage and only have to miss him terribly. Another reason is I have her number, I feel like my children are not in danger b/c I am so aware of what she is doing I call her on it before she even has time to complete her thoughts on it. I know I am not perfect but I do see her real self even if she doesn't. The tiniest bit of progress she is making is here with me, not in AT. If she was to show real anger or have any kind of a violent outburst, she is 12, she can and would be arrested. We will continue with AT and they have agreed to amp it up to get to her. I feel confident I can handle this. I know most would feel, why take the chance? I feel, how can I not take the chance, I am her only chance of healing? As disturbed as she is, she is not even close to some of the teen girls I have had and I found a way to help them.

Back in November we had taken her to have a Psycho-Sexual done, we received the evaluation on Friday. She does view herself as the 3rd in command in the house, she views my DH as first and myself as second. She thinks of me as an important person in her life. This is significant to me, this is progress. I know most folks don't see the tiny things and rejoice but I do. Any change in a positive direction is a reason to celebrate. I know my limits, I have had to find them with other children, I am not close to my limit with this child. She and I can do this.

Cyr is having a very difficult time with her peer relationships. She always causes a lot of chaos with her friends. These kids have now shunned her and are all making fun of her. I know it is either b/c she is causing the drama or they have picked up on her "differences". Every child that has been in contact with her, and I mean only a year or two older, have all questioned me about her. They can tell she is different but can't put their finger on it. It is that obvious. She tries and tries to fit in but it only makes her sand out more. She is not even aware of what makes her different and that is what we are currently addressing.

My other kids are the best, I can live like this forever. OK, I must admit I had a night out with new friends that are Special Needs Moms Friday and that may have a bit to do with it. I love chatting away with with others dealing with this stuff. I found it so sad that several are having such a tough time and find themselves needing to avoid their disturbed children for their own sanity. I discovered, OK I knew but it was confirmed for me, that I am built differently than most. I am not talking about my voluptuous (a girl can dream, right?) body, I am talking about my ability to not personalize my children's behaviors. What they say or do does not get to me like I see it does to others. I am not sure how I am able to step back and wait for them to come to grips with themselves but I am. There are days I want to cry for myself or for them but those days are so few and far between.

There was a woman that was moved to tears not sure how to continue raising her child, she loves him but some of his behaviors were too much for her to handle. I truly felt for her, I see this so often. As she nears finalization she is worried she can not handle this forever. Will he change? Maybe, maybe not. I saw this poor Mother adding to the problem without even knowing. She gets so upset that she can't help but let him know it bothers her. She stresses, she bargains, and she does all the work. She is guaranteeing this will continue, if he has no control over it she is just making herself miserable trying to control the situation. She seems like a good Mom, she obviously loves her children, she needs help. How do you help families like hers. Therapy would help, yes but it doesn't give you directions to deal with the daily crap that is thrown at you. How do families learn to apply the techniques in their own situation when they are overwhelmed, confused, feeling guilty for disliking a child that has done nothing but force you to feel that way, and they have tried everything they can think of? Should they disrupt?

I have been teasingly asked numerous times to come home with people, to let them come home with me. Maybe that is what they need, to see it first hand. Reading books helps some people but others just can't seem to apply it to their lives. The emotion takes over and they can't think in the situation. We need a Super Nanny to call for kids with RAD to help these poor families stay together, to help the parents keep their sanity, and help Mothers learn to handle the behavior and love the child regardless. These families need practical techniques, see them in action, have someone to vent to in the moment, and learn to shut off the personalization of their child's behavior. Normal parenting doesn't work, AT's tell you what to do but they don't come home with you and show you how to do it. I had the luxury of having this type of situation early on, I have come to the conclusion, every family raising traumatized children needs this particular type of parenting class. I am beginning to think I need to figure out a way to do this for people. I have no idea how or when but I really think there is a need. Any thoughts?


Torina said...

That's a tough one. Because even though the AT is good for the tips and guidance, they cannot help one turn off the reaction and the feelings. That is the hardest part, IMO, of raising a child with RAD. For me, I HAVE to take a walk and be by myself, even if I am just sitting in my closet a few minutes each day. It helps me center myself and walk back in to take things head on without the emotion. I also blog. Have you told your other moms about blogging? That has been huge for me. Paxil helps, too LOL.

Lisa said...

I am really worried about Mom too. I really need to talk to you too. Have you had a chance to find the numbers for All God's Children and the OT? When's a good time to call?

Lisa said...

Oh...and BTW....yes people are desperate for a radish supernanny.
And I think you've made the right decision and I'm proud of you for it....

Adoptive mom of four said...

Just one important thing to think about. SHOULD she act out and do the unthinkable to one of the other children, your AT will testify that s/he warned you, and DHS to take your other kids because you failed to protect them.
Been there, almost had that.

Angela :-) said...

Adoptive mom of four said what I was thinking...

Angela :-)

Mongoose said...

Yeah, it's interesting from reading a lot of people's blogs, how much they take things personally. And I do think therapy would help but not necessarily the therapy they're getting. They could get some cognitive therapy and learn to change their thoughts. That's all it is, their own thoughts. They just have to accept that and change it. That's what CT is.

If you want to teach the skills you have I would suggest putting together a proposal and submitting it to the organization that taught you (presumably you had to do some classes before becoming a foster parent). If they don't want to do that you can start a support group or talk to the groups you're in already and see if they'd be interested in you teaching some sessions. I'm sure it would be very valuable to a lot of them.