Monday, March 24, 2008

My Family

I have written early on about my difficult relationship with my Mother. She was estranged from her 9 brothers and sisters for years, over 30 years and only recently started talking to them again. As a teen, I was more than a little difficult to handle, I was angry and hurt about being sexually abused and I always had a difficult time feeling love from my Mother. As an adult I see it more clearly. I felt she didn't protect me and she had a difficult time bonding to me. I feel we always struggled with attachment but never knew what it was we were fighting. I have enormous amounts of guilt for my teen years that cause me to try and over compensate with her and my sisters. I am the only daughter of 4 that calls her multiple times per week, I never avoid her, I have listened for hours about her relationships, and I go over board trying to make her laugh. She has a favorite child, my sister Kiki, she is my favorite too so I understand. As children I was terribly jealous of the attention she gave her and it took until adulthood to understand it was not Kiki's fault. She is the kindest person I know and she loves me no matter what. My Mother on the other hand tends to tell me how fat I am and be critical in general, she is cold but puts on a front for others. (She is not the same around even you, BB. She becomes funny and loving when others are there.) She is rude and distant when you are in need of someone to listen, she always one ups you, and tells you constantly to "get to the point". She disliked Kiki's husband (rightly so) and every time she had a tiny issue, she would tell her to leave him. Her strange hot and coldness is not my imagination, Kiki sees it too and in the last few years has been standing up for me.

I have 2 other sisters Julie and Leah. Leah is pregnant. Leah has chosen repeatedly to tell both my sisters and our Mother every milestone, she has deliberately left me out. She sent them ultrasound pictures and let them know it was a boy. I have tried to call her MANY times and she won't answer, she never sets her phone down so I know she hears the calls and messages. I have no idea why she is avoiding me, at first I thought it was b/c I have no bio kids and she was concerned I would be hurt. I was informed today she thinks I am overly opinionated and doesn't want my advice. I am very opinionated but am also very strong in my belief not to give unwanted advice, I was very supportive at Christmas and encouraged her. Her situation is not ideal, her Baby Daddy (just kidding) is a man she dated years ago and I have heard horror stories about him and they way he treated her. A few years later she starts dating him (quietly) and gets pregnant, he is divorced and wants to marry her. I have NEVER said a bad thing about him until now. It never occurred to me she would be upset to be pregnant and not married, she is over 30 years old and supports herself and her 14 yr old daughter and none of my business if she is married or not. In this day, it is not unheard of. All of my sisters have gotten pregnant before they married, I tease them b/c I was the only one that didn't have a child "out of wedlock". Ah, hello people it is a joke, I am laughing when I insist I was a virgin at my wedding. I can not have children, that is the only reason I didn't do the same darn thing.

I have known my Mother has get togethers without inviting me or my family for years, not just since we grew to such a large number. My Mother has seen my children maybe 4 times in 2 years. She doesn't like kids over 3 so I figured whatever. Today she topped things off by saying this new baby was her first grandson. She quickly corrected herself by saying to tell Little Michael there will another boy. Her preference is once again clear. It would be nice to be invited, even if they know I can't make it, the thing is most of the time I can. My DH is home in the evening, I could plan a night out easily. IRL I am a good friend, a helpful person, joyful, can pay my own way,and I have manners, there is no reason not to invite me. I am tired of being left out. I am tired of my children being left out. I think I am done with them. I hate to be the kind of person that cuts off people but I think it is what is necessary. I will never disconnect from Kiki, she is my best friend, she will raise my children if something should happen to me and I am to raise hers if the situation was reversed. For the life of her she can't figure out why they do this to me, she sees it and tries to stop it. I am tired of sucking up to people that don't like me anyway. They think I have too many kids and don't even know their names. Neither sister even congratulated me on their adoption last November.

I let my Mother have it on phone and Julie shortly after. I am sure both will hold a grudge long enough to for my kids to grow up and start their own Strip Club. (a joke between DH and I, tacky, I know but you should see the way they dance and if we invest in a pole instead of college I think they could be rich regardless of their intellectual abilities. Really it is only a joke, we have very high expectations for our children and being a dancer is not our first choice or anything we encourage.)


Anonymous said...

"I hate to be the kind of person that cuts off people but I think it is what is necessary." Sure sounds like you are the cutt-ee, not the cutt-er !! Dysfunctional family relationships can suck the life out of you. You need your brains and heart focused on reaching YOUR kids so that they can (if they choose) be healthy adults with healthy relationships themselves. -- Rachel

Marthavmuffin said...

I am sorry that this is happening in your family, it is hurtful, I dont know why people act this way. I feel the same way about certain people at work who have made it clear they dont like me. I used to agonize over why, now I just try not to worry about it and concern myself with those who do care about me and mine.