Sunday, December 16, 2007

Attachment, will they ever feel it?

I am not sure how negative I come across here b/c I write about so much of our issues but IRL I tend to be a Sally Sunshine about the kids. I don't get "worn out" or need a break from the kids often. We don't go out and have lots of friends that come over, almost constantly it is me and the kids and DH when he is off from work at a decent hour. I am not complaining, I wouldn't have it any other way, they need me to be a constant b/c they have never had that before in any area of their life. Their parents left them with extended family or "friends" any chance they got and the kids were never all home at the same time b/c of this.

Frankee and my DH both went out last night, separately. I do not have an issue with my DH going out b/c he deserves some him time but the combination of both sent the kids into some heavy topics covered in tears. I know this is just bringing up old memories but it was sad to see them so upset. A few of them talked about how they know I would never go out like that and I am always here. It was interesting to see them discuss amongst themselves how they know I am dependable and will stay with them no matter what. Kinda scary thinking what would happen if I had to go out or worse, died. I am not sure some of them would ever trust again.

That said, we have a couple pf kids that are in a tailspin that started long before this weekend. Patches has regressed so much she is difficult to recognize. My son is not far behind her. Perhaps it's the adoption, could be the AT or the holiday. I don't know but it sure is obvious that Patches is lashing out hard at me. It's not just the fits, she is trying to hurt me bot physically and emotionally. She has succeeded in both areas. I do not let the things they say in anger hurt me, ever. They call me things that would make a sailor blush. What Patches has been doing is intentional and there is alot of effort involved in order to figure out how and what to do to get me. These 2 are back to raging for hours and destroying things. It hurts so much to see them so angry. My son attacked me last night and when I grabbed his arm as he ran toward twisted around and I thought he broke his arm. That is a constant concern with his crazy rages, he could really get hurt and I could be blamed. Of course, it is documented very well that he does this but it is still a concern. Patches is screaming things out her window like, "I hate this family!" or "I am an ugly bad girl!". No wonder this neighborhood is avoiding us like the plague. We scream our craziness out the windows. A couple of weeks ago she nearly broke the front door by banging it with her fist at 8PM screaming she wanted to run away. Go then, pack an extra pair of pants so when you pee on yourself during the day you can sleep in dry ones at night. OK, not my best moment but quit screaming how awful it is and do something about it, anything just make a step instead of wallering around in it.

I am hurt right now, I have decided that if Patches refuses to at least try to be decent (decent meaning not assaulting me or the kids and not going out of her way to get me) I am on strike. This is going to just apply to her and I have done this in the past with other older girls we have parented. I will not play Mommy to her since she does not want one. She will have to figure out how to get her clothes washed, her homework signed, when to get up for school, since snacks are what good mommies send she won't get one, she can have PBJs for dinner since she can't cook and I won't be doing it for her, she will need to do extra chores to pay for her room since she doesn't want a mommy to do it, her holiday gifts are from me so hopefully she will get the picture before we get to that, and I have every intention of making her miserable in a kind and supportive way. I understand she doesn't want to be in this family and we will be happy to help her achieve her independence within the household. Please cross your fingers it works well with her, I want my slowly progressing child back. She doesn't have to be perfect just not so disruptive that she can't continue to heal.

Ava is getting in trouble at school several times a week and her conduct has been a U for 3 weeks. Not pretty. She is pushing the limits constantly and I am afraid her attachment issues area much bigger problem than I had anticipated. Ella's behavior is still really good at school but she is working on the poor pitiful me thing she has going on. Both girls are struggling here at home with following simple rules.

My kids could make Santa hate Christmas.


Mongoose said...

My ex used to do that too, go out of his way to try to make me turn on him. I've never figured out why on some level he needed me to hate him. When he attacked the cops I got the distinct impression he wanted to make them hurt him. But then, he also used to cut himself as a teenager, and when he was living with me he'd make the cat attack him until his arm was bleeding from the elbow all the way down. And, he's a welder. I think in a way, we all need pain to relieve stress some times. That's why I got a tattoo in the spring, in a way, to channel the anxiety into pain. So for very high-stress people like Him or your kids, who also probably have a higher tolerance built up, it gets very spectacular.

Or maybe I'm just making stuff up. I hope the kids get better soon. :(

Jody said...

I just found your blog by way of Yondalla. Your girls sound identical to my Emilee. The yelling out the window...the wanting to run away...the taking it out on the "MOM" figure. I like your idea for not being the mom anymore...them taking on the chores. Although Emilee is only 7, I think I just may try to adapt this to her age appropriateness and see how it goes. Thanks for doing what you do. It takes special people to take in these high needs children. I struggle every day. I have not learned yet to not let the emotional words hurt so much.

ivy said...

just came across your blog, and want to thank you for sharing your life this way. big pat on the back to you. you are just so wonderful! i am looking forward to reading your whole blog. i have always had a great interest in caring for traumatized children, and your blog is an invaluable resource. thanks again!