Happy New Year!

I am a liar and I don't care. Every time I get on this computer I am interrupted with multiple IMs for Frankee. Her random potential lovers are always on the prowl and it is irritating. They are either trying to talk to her here or calling MY cell phone. I have started telling them she is out with her husband for the night. It is a lie but I am hoping they will go away.

We took the 8 kids to our favorite Mexican Restaurant and it was touch in go if all would be able to go. We managed to pull it off with very little drama. Cyr was so funny and announced after one family stared for quite a bit that we have our own paparazzi. We laughed out loud b/c it is true that they don't carry cameras but we are watched like hawks. People stare at us like we are famous or have 2 heads. When they get particularly rude about it we all wave when I say, "Like a parade". It is really funny to see 8 little hands wave stiffly.

We rented a few movies and are off to pretend it is Midnight so they will go to bed. HAHAHA! I hope everyone else is having a lovely evening and being safe. See ya next year.

The Sisters

Kalee is the oldest of the 4 sisters, she is 9 in a few days. Kendalyn is not pictured and is 8 this year. Emma is 6 until July and Grace is 5 until July, actually the day before Em's birthday.


























Emma and Grace are alot alike and have the same profile. They are pictured here with their matching Ponies.








This is the 3 of them in the playroom last night. They had a ball staying up half the night. I wish we could have these nights more often.

A Visit

I was surprised to see so many comments about my safety. Thank you so much but my only real concern is that I get accused of something. I think my physical safety is much less of a concern to me. I am having to fight for my time here lately b/c Frankee lives on MySpace trolling for men.

We are in the middle of a sibling visit for Emma. Both of the sisters her Mother tried to parent are here for the night and will return home today. They had a blast but the rest of the kids have had issues with it. I am sure Em will really go down hill after they leave. She cried for an hour after her Mother left last night. It is so hard to watch her feel that loss over and over with every visit. Adoption sucks for the kids. She wouldn't want to live that life and has said so but she wishes we could adopt her Mother and sisters. I hate it for her and we try to make the visits more often but with her Mother working for the first time on a regular basis it is difficult.

Michael did not hurt anyone yesterday and earned his Heelys back!!!! Patches is holding her own right now. Ava is so different from the others in the way she is sneaky and manipulative. The others break in anger, I can deal with that b/c I can see it. She breaks for no reason and hides it. How do you deal with that? Last night she used an entire can of Lysol spray in the bathroom (Frankee left it out), plugged the toilet AGAIN to the point the entire upstairs stinks and a plumber is having to come out, she broke Cyr's new light and old light, and she tore up some clothes in her room sometime over the night. She has admitted several times now that all this time she has been doing these things and pretended they were accidents. AAAHHH!! She is gonna drive me crazy, I am sure of it.

I will post pictures of the 3 sisters after I fix them all lunch. They are ALL 10 standing in here hovering to eat. LOL

Patches has been screaming in her room for 6 hours and going strong. She has written with pencil all over her walls and emptied out all the drawers. She has thrown away or given away all her gifts from us and Santa. She refuses to eat or come down. She hates me for no reason she can even articulate. She screamed at one point her hatred of me was for getting her a tree when her parents did not. I agreed she had a reason to be upset but not at me. She firmly disagrees. I guess I should have purchased them a tree before I met them, sounds reasonable to me.

So far Ava has broken the new game table we gave them for Christmas, the kick stand on Emma's new bike, stolen glitter from her visiting cousins and hid it in her room, stolen $20 from another visiting cousin, stolen and lost a wheel from Ruthie's new Heelys, broken several of the kids makeup kits to the point they had to be tossed, sat on her new bike at least 10 times and knocked over the other bikes scratching them to shreds, stuffed the toilet with rolls of TP at least 3 times, smeared her stuff in her bathroom and mine, broke her brothers new shark in 3 places, ripped up Emma's new sweater from Gorges, broke Michael's radio, and I am sure more that I haven't discovered in the last 2 days. All of this is intentional, I am at a loss. She is doing these things every time I turn around or use the restroom. If I am distracted for more than a second, she is sneaking off. I am about to tie her to me with a silk scarf so she can't get away b/c she is starting to really ruin the kids holiday.

No Van and a Bucket

Michael and Emma were up most of the night sick for different reasons. Emma felt like she was gonna puke but never did so all we got was a bunch of whining and gagging. Michael has developed a cough from nowhere and hacked until he started gagging. The funny thing about this is I have a weak stomach so their gagging made me puke. My DH is able to sleep through all of this while we are bouncing around the bed taking turns on the bucket.

My van refused to start yesterday and we had so many plans this weekend that had to be canceled. AT, groceries, taking my nieces home, and visiting the kids Grandparents. I felt terrible but I have no choice, we just can't fit into anything else. Just let it be a cheap fix b/c after the holiday I really can't afford anything more than that.

Another Casualty

Michael became enraged and luckily this is the only person that was killed. It reminds me of when they first came here and all the dolls looked like this except their eyes were stabbed out. Improvement, huh?

Trouble in Paradise

My nieces came last night to spend 3 nights with us. That makes 12 kids and a big mess around here. They came from their Father's house with all their gifts so we had to hide them from my kids. Ava found them and dug through them and stole some things right off the bat. I feel so sad for her.

Ava started seeing the AT yesterday b/c her behavior is getting so out of control we can only blame attachment at this point. Some of the things we are addressing are the plan to tell the teacher so she can live with her, poop smearing, her recent revelation that she is intentionally breaking all the toys, her refusal to follow simple rules like don't stand on the back of the sofa and jump off on other unsuspecting children, pulling her hair out, stealing anything that is not glued down, and lying when the truth is better. I love her and it is so hard to watch her do these things to herself.

I had to break up a fist fight between Michael and Ella for the third time today. They will spend the rest of the day holding hands and figuring out how to work together to get things done. Of course, there will be close supervision to avoid another episode.

I had to have a tough conversation with Frankee this AM. She called at midnight last night sobbing for me to unlock the door for her. She was with the new BF and he had been kissing his soon to be ex wife. Frankee was a hot mess, screaming vile things at him between sobbing to me. She can not date him anymore and live here. She denied missing her meds but agreed to have them in the cabinet for em to dispense. She listened better than I thought she would and allowed me to tell her she is driving us all crazy with her manic behavior. I explained that many people saw this and not just us. I hope she decides to spend the time with her daughter instead of looking for a man.

Guess Who Called......

on Christmas Eve just moments after the kids opened their gifts? Their Mother and Father. It went well but I am anxious to hear their side when they talk to the aunt. I stood firm but was compassionate about their feelings. He thanked me and after 95 minutes he said he understood why we were not going to allow them to visit.

He said a few weird things when we discussed the accusations about them sexually abusing the kids, he claims he doesn't remember doing it. Those would not be the words I would use when asked if I had touched my children inappropriately, "I don't remember if that happened so I must not have. I won't admit to something I don't remember." I just told him we would understand if the memory comes up later and if he ever wants to apologize "just in case" that we would support him and hope he gets therapy. I refused to tell him the child that makes these claims and explained it was so he can be mad about it but not focus it on a child that he will never forgive. He thought that was good.

He is not living in reality, he claims he should have given the kids to his aunt. I called him on it and reminded him he tried to have several of his relatives pass the background stuff and they did not qualify. He became upset and started dreaming about if they had gone to them that he would see them and spend the night, blah, blah, blah. I think he was trying to offend me but I sucked it up and told him if they would have made the same accusations they have now the relative would have to stop the visits, too. He was silent.

He gave me the usual crap about DFCS doing him wrong and I stopped him in his tracks, I told him he would get farther with the kids and I if he took responsibility for what he did or didn't do instead of blaming. I am sure that will have to come up a few times before he really understands, it will be a hard habit to break.

Neither parent asked about how the kids were or what they have been up to. They did not show any real interest in them as people. I hope this is b/c they were quite focused on getting their story across. They complained alot about the maternal Gparents and wanted to know if they were still yelling at the kids and giving them beer to drink. The kids have no memory of this ever happening, I feel confident he is just angry they are seeing the kids.


We had a very difficult time putting together the new game table and I am afraid my DH has given up. The giant doll house is fantastic and they love it. Every kid got a brand spanking new bike from Santa and they were shocked. Em has been sitting on it for about an hour watching a movie. I have tried to take pictures of them but the flask makes them impossible to see.

Oh, I bought a turkey 4 days ago and left it in the fridge to thaw, it didn't. We will now be eating very late this afternoon. I am so dingy sometimes. I really should have checked on it last night but I forgot. Oh well.

Gorges Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Patches did very well in AT yesterday, the AT didn't want to get her riled up right before the guests arrived and I was all too grateful. She was quite but did express some of her emotions by agreeing or disagreeing with what I said she was probably feeling. We discussed some questions for her to ask and that she would more than likely clam up in the moment so I could ask them for her when she gives me the clue. We are talking alot about being on the same team and that we are a team in therapy since we both attend simultaneously. She is scared about what the answers she will be getting, she has already heard them but to have it confirmed by someone she trusts will be hard. I did hear her answering questions with the AT and using my words so I guess she believes some of the things I say. It's a start.

We went to Gorges' house for my side of the family's holiday. Gorges is really Gorgeous but my oldest sister can't spell and it stuck. My Mother refusedto be called Grandma when she was only 36. Anyway, things went well. We got stuck in traffic making us 40 minutes late and everyone was eating when we arrived. Frankee left after an hour and was so obnoxious while we were there I was relieved. The kids were so well behaved, I was impressed. Gorges made them all new Loveys and knitted them what we call Outside Sweaters (they are so ugly you can only wear them outside to play and hope they get dirty). I appreciate the effort she put into them, I know they took forever I just wish she didn't use all leftover yarn so they were one color instead of 5. I will post a picture later for sure. SHe has made us some of the most beautiful ones in the past but this year we got robbed. It is the thought that counted and the kids are thrilled to have them (really). Gorges has made all her grandchildren multiple blankies when they were born, since my kids were not babies she assumed they were too old. They had informed her she was wrong some time ago and she started making them each their own. They are very cute and they were over the moon.

My kids parents are still making demands but not calling us directly. They do not want her parents to see them. Too bad. Their father hollared int he background that none of the gifts that were sent by the mother were from him when they called the aunt's phone earlier. How sad is that. I am so disappointed in them right now. I do understand they are hurting but to act so cruel towards the kids is immature. I am glad the kids do not know.

This is Expensive

It's not about how much you spend but the number of gifts they get. They are still young enough to give a $5 board game to one and a robot to another and it saved me hundreds of dollars this year. My son had his heart set on a darn robot, I had no idea they even had them but they do and he has one wrapped and waiting for him.

Last night my DH and I snuck out after bedtime and headed to Toys R Us in search of bikes. We found a great deal on a few of them and a fantastic selection. They had just put them all out and we walked away with 7 shiny new bikes. Shyanne has a new one so she is getting a Baby Alive and an entire baby care set including the highchair, playpen, tons of bottles and diapers, swing, and car seat to name a few. I am so excited, I swear I am worse than the kids.

I ran home to finish making the candy before bed. Got up at 6AM to do all the grocery shopping I needed for the week. I am disgusted I spent $600 in food for the holiday and rest of the week. Another $500 for bikes and who knows how much all year for the rest of the stuff.

Normal holiday stuff going on today. Christmas cleaning so the guests don't see our pooped in pull ups under the bathroom sink, dirty clothes piled to the waist in the laundry room, last nights dinner crusted on the kitchen floor, or the 5 million broken crayons in the sofa.

Patches is having one of her multi-daily meltdowns, no reason given. Shyanne is refusing to help. Ava has been hiding and when caught she screamed she is telling her teacher I am mean to her. (I offered to call the police for her to share her feelings with them and I informed her she could finish her room alone so she wouldn't be able to blame anyone else for anything. AAAGGGHHH!!!) Ema is whining about several things but got ahppier when she was excused from cleaning ehr room. Cyr threw several pairs of clean clothes into the dirty pile resulting in me refusing to do her laundry anymore. This happens constantly and I am tired of my waist high pile of mostly dirty clothes. Frankee is swollen and sobbing b/c the latest boyfriend that lasted a week told her he loved her and broke it off. She is a hot mess today. Ella is snotty and bossy. Ruthie is in her own world again. Michael is a joy today. He has helped me with everything I asked and more. He even told the truth when confronted on his poopy pull up. Yeah! He is not sure why he decided to try pooping in it and hiding it under the sink but at least he cleaned it up when asked to. That's all a girl can wish for.

Our schedule is kinda hectic this weekend. Our celebration starts tomorrow when their aunt and uncle arrive. They will be spending the night and going with us to my Mother's house to deal with my entire family. I can't belive they agreed to go but we do plan on coming back here and enjoying some wine and beer after the kids go to bed. We so rarely drink it is like an event in itself. Sunday we go to my MIL's, not looking forward to seeing my FIL's family so much. Monday we will open presents here and Tuesday Santa brings stuff. I am exhausted already. Somehow I need to fit in some more shopping. Probably very late tonight at Walmart.

I know several of you have emailed me and I haven't gotten to you. I read them and want to respond but given the brief spurts of time I get on the computer, I just haven't had the time. When the kids go back to school you are high on my list, I promise.


I realized something yesterday in AT. The AT always asks how things are going and I give lots of positive stuff and a few issues, I always let him know how many meltdowns on average a week per child. He has to ask specific questions to get at the truth of the situation b/c I see how much improvement there is I don't fuss about the rages in the OT's waiting room or the kicking the van seat until I have to pull over. Those are things I can deal with b/c last year they kicked the seat until it broke and the police had to be called with public meltdowns, see progress. He laughed at me b/c he is seeing lighter versions of these lovely meltdowns in his office and wondered if it was only there. HAHAHAHAHA Once I told him they were mild he questioned me on the ones at home and in public, turns out my lack of details and just accepting them made him think they were mild. Less intense than before but not mild for sure. He thinks I have a great attitude about them but will need more details to determine what is actually happening at home (he no longer trusts me I guess). He is arranging for an AT to come to the house regularly for a bit to see how they actually are and to work with Michael on anger management. LOL I am known for exaggerating IRL about silly things like how fluffy I am or how good something is, never would I have imagined I would be accused of understating something. I just gave the facts and thought he was understood the situation. Too funny.

I attended holiday parties for 5 of the 8 kids today. I was surprised how different they all were. Emma's served an entire lunch including fresh fruit, raw carrots, and really cool snowflake chicken nuggets and Ava's had no food except the ice cream sundae they made. They did not consider me when scheduling the festivities b/c I ended up running from class to class trying to participate in the crafts but only staying for a couple in each kid's room. They had a blast and that is all that really counts. I have 3 left to attend Thursday at 2 different schools. Fun, Fun.

Early this morning I had to drive an hour to take Frankee to court. She was granted a 12 Protective Order against her MIL and her soon to be Ex husband. She was very upset and cried a good bit on the way home. She cheered right up when Bob called, this is the newest guy from the internet and he seems to float her boat this week. She spent the weekend at this total stranger's house and already decided sex was a way to win him over. I expressed some concerns at her want to include him in every thing we have planned over the next week or so. She wants to introduce her child to him Friday b/c he is taking her and his children to see some Christmas lights. I think she is not only rushing this but trading one issue (drugs) for alcohol and a warm body. She is gone again tonight and I expect she will be gone not only this weekend but the 10 days around the holiday b/c he is on vacation. He seems to have a good job, stability, owns a home, and has sole physical custody of his 3 girls but his wife of 9 years just left him unexpectedly 2 months ago for another man. He is soft spoken and gentle so that is a positive. He shook hands with his wife's new boyfriend and invited him in for a beer so I guess that shows he is a forgiving person as well. I think he will tire of her screaming and loud personality before too long, I am sure it will be an issue when she screams at his kids or hers in front of him.

I must confess, I was concerned I had made a huge mistake with Patches yesterday. Did I say too much? Did I hurt her feelings? Where exactly is the line between supporting their family and bad mouthing them? Is being honest about them cruel? You get the idea, I was worried. I guess I did the right thing b/c she is maintaining control of herself and allowing me to be the mother again. SHe has made several comments today about me always loving her enough to tell the truth and being a good mother. I heard her telling one of the kids, "I AM part of the family again b/c I want Mom to love me (so give me a pudding cup)." It seems she is back to her self. She does need to have all this verified by her family and I spoke with her Gfather and Aunt today, both will answer her questions next time they see her. She trusts them and they are both very supportive of the adoption and mad at how the parents have handled raising their children. I feel like it will be hard for her to hear but she seems ready for it. She is a lucky girl to have so many people care about her and want to do what is best. I will be there to make sure it is not a bashing of the parents b/c I am not OK with that.

Her questions are simple, did DFCS steal her from her parents? Did we steal her? Did her parents love her? Do they miss her? Did they take good care of her? Did they try to keep jobs? Did they admit to the sexual abuse or deny it? Did any one try to help them keep the kids? All of these things make sense to me, I would want to know. I am sure all of the kids will have these questions as they deal with this. I am so proud of her for making the choice to be active on our family again. I missed her, even if it was only a weekend.

Progress

My beast of a child had her fit last night at bedtime thinking she didn't have to follow rules here b/c she has chosen not to be part of the family. HAHAHAHAHa, not so deary. I had to firmly help her downstairs to the living room where I was still up tending to a sick child. She tried to argue her pathetic points to me but ended up sitting there for about an hour until I started the conversation back up. Her level of exhaustion was so high she quickly turned to sobbing announcing her need to be in our family. We agreed that no matter her words she wanted to be in our family and more importantly she wants me to be her mother. I do not expect her to control her anger and never tell me she hates me again but I will remind her of our agreement and keep moving. I expect her to talk alot about the things we discussed and the truth about her parents no matter how much it hurts. I will no longer allow her to build them up with her half truths about them. She will always love them and no one can take that from her but to fantasize they will always protect her and be prefect is unacceptable. I promised to always tell her the truth and I will continue to do so in a kind and supportive way.

I got 2 kids home from school with some stomach thing. Ella had to get her braces adjusted today and since she cries every time I have to check her in I am not sure if she really is feeling poorly like the other children or if she is manipulating me. I told her a teacher must see her vomit for me to believe her. Maybe crying wolf so many times will teach her a lesson. Probably not.

Shyanne was freaking out about going to school today. She screamed and fussed and had to be pulled to the bus stop this morning. Her Mother had gone out Saturday night and not returned until this morning at 4:30AM. I had a fit. She had woken up yesterday and instead of returning home she began drinking again claiming hair of the dog or something. Doesn't cut it with me. I hope this is not a sign of things to come.

Patches school just called and offered to purchase her some new glasses for the holiday. How sweet, she will break them in a week. SHe has broken 3 sets of glasses and one of her sisters. It seems she has something against the poor things.

I am off to get the many goodies I have to send in to the school for their parties tomorrow. The list seems endless.

Attachment, will they ever feel it?

I am not sure how negative I come across here b/c I write about so much of our issues but IRL I tend to be a Sally Sunshine about the kids. I don't get "worn out" or need a break from the kids often. We don't go out and have lots of friends that come over, almost constantly it is me and the kids and DH when he is off from work at a decent hour. I am not complaining, I wouldn't have it any other way, they need me to be a constant b/c they have never had that before in any area of their life. Their parents left them with extended family or "friends" any chance they got and the kids were never all home at the same time b/c of this.

Frankee and my DH both went out last night, separately. I do not have an issue with my DH going out b/c he deserves some him time but the combination of both sent the kids into some heavy topics covered in tears. I know this is just bringing up old memories but it was sad to see them so upset. A few of them talked about how they know I would never go out like that and I am always here. It was interesting to see them discuss amongst themselves how they know I am dependable and will stay with them no matter what. Kinda scary thinking what would happen if I had to go out or worse, died. I am not sure some of them would ever trust again.

That said, we have a couple pf kids that are in a tailspin that started long before this weekend. Patches has regressed so much she is difficult to recognize. My son is not far behind her. Perhaps it's the adoption, could be the AT or the holiday. I don't know but it sure is obvious that Patches is lashing out hard at me. It's not just the fits, she is trying to hurt me bot physically and emotionally. She has succeeded in both areas. I do not let the things they say in anger hurt me, ever. They call me things that would make a sailor blush. What Patches has been doing is intentional and there is alot of effort involved in order to figure out how and what to do to get me. These 2 are back to raging for hours and destroying things. It hurts so much to see them so angry. My son attacked me last night and when I grabbed his arm as he ran toward twisted around and I thought he broke his arm. That is a constant concern with his crazy rages, he could really get hurt and I could be blamed. Of course, it is documented very well that he does this but it is still a concern. Patches is screaming things out her window like, "I hate this family!" or "I am an ugly bad girl!". No wonder this neighborhood is avoiding us like the plague. We scream our craziness out the windows. A couple of weeks ago she nearly broke the front door by banging it with her fist at 8PM screaming she wanted to run away. Go then, pack an extra pair of pants so when you pee on yourself during the day you can sleep in dry ones at night. OK, not my best moment but quit screaming how awful it is and do something about it, anything just make a step instead of wallering around in it.

I am hurt right now, I have decided that if Patches refuses to at least try to be decent (decent meaning not assaulting me or the kids and not going out of her way to get me) I am on strike. This is going to just apply to her and I have done this in the past with other older girls we have parented. I will not play Mommy to her since she does not want one. She will have to figure out how to get her clothes washed, her homework signed, when to get up for school, since snacks are what good mommies send she won't get one, she can have PBJs for dinner since she can't cook and I won't be doing it for her, she will need to do extra chores to pay for her room since she doesn't want a mommy to do it, her holiday gifts are from me so hopefully she will get the picture before we get to that, and I have every intention of making her miserable in a kind and supportive way. I understand she doesn't want to be in this family and we will be happy to help her achieve her independence within the household. Please cross your fingers it works well with her, I want my slowly progressing child back. She doesn't have to be perfect just not so disruptive that she can't continue to heal.

Ava is getting in trouble at school several times a week and her conduct has been a U for 3 weeks. Not pretty. She is pushing the limits constantly and I am afraid her attachment issues area much bigger problem than I had anticipated. Ella's behavior is still really good at school but she is working on the poor pitiful me thing she has going on. Both girls are struggling here at home with following simple rules.

My kids could make Santa hate Christmas.

Lunch and an Early Birthday

I spent 2 hours at our home elementary school having lunch with 5 of the kids. I normally enjoy their food but today their attempt at a holiday meal was just disgusting. Soggy, overcooked, and tasteless are 3 words that best describe the meal served. My kids are going to be starved after school today.

Shyanne cried her eyes out when we left which caused her Mother to cry as well. It is fun to go up there but so sad to leave them.


Shyanne spent the first night upstairs in the little girls room. She went to sleep fairly well but woke up at 5 AM (2 and a half hours before they had to get up) and got bored so she woke every one else in the house up. Little booger. They will all pass out some time around dinner tonight.

Patches and Ava decided to have an all out fit when I caught several of the girls using nail polish without permission over carpet. A big no no here. Two of the girls did their timeout and apologized in a few minutes and were off and running. Those 2 soent the entire evening screaming horrible things about Emma. Why you ask? I have no idea. She had no idea they were hollaring and had nothing to do with the nail polish situation. They just targeted her for being her. Sad. My first instinct is to protect her but she did not know. I think I will bring it up in therapy this week.

Today Ruthie, pictured above before the sun came up, turns 9. She had to have her meltdown last night when she was asked to do her chore. The darn thing takes only a few minuted until they buck and it turns into 3 or 4 hours of sobbing and screaming. It is just stupid they waste everyones air like that.

How Would You Respond?

If you were known to be explosive and a very angry person how would you react to your children accusing you of sexually abusing them? If you have just been told you will not have the opportunity to see them b/c you are considered dangerous, would you be upset or angry? If you had been known to threaten to kill people for canceling a visit with your child or for removing them from your home wouldn't you react with anger about this? My children's father has a reputation for his temper and when his SIL told him last night of the accusations and our decision to make the adoption semi open and only between the adults, he barely responded. He stated his father had been unfairly accused of raping his sisters (they proved it true with semen analysis) and served 12 years , this would not happen to him and he was disowning his kids.

We have asked to speak to the parents for the last month and they have refused to call us. We have no way to reach them without a current phone. We wanted to share these things with them ourselves but had to get the kid's aunt to help when they just flat out refused to deal with us. It's funny b/c they were screaming they wanted to see the kids for the holiday but wouldn't call. I told the Mother in our last conversation that there had been some things coming to light and we would have to hold off on face to face visits. I guess she knows what we could know and freaked out. They are still claiming they have done nothing wrong and going so far as to blame the kids for lying. I was surprised their Father was so calm, it proves to me that this is the right decision. He is guilty of something for sure, he has never been able to control his emotions before and this is the one thing I would freak if accused of. He barely denied it and refused to discuss it further even had fun afterward. The aunt thinks this is all such a relief for him, he is no longer financially responsible for them. Six kids are a huge financial burden and he can not hold a job so I am sure this was difficult for him. After spending a year away from them, his family thinks they have faded a bit in his mind b/c he has stopped asking about them.

Their Mother is a sobbing mess, she is suicidal again. She is desperate for the kids. If I could be sure she didn't hurt them I would let her see them. I can not and so she can not. She is having a very difficult time with her depression and I worry she will eventually make real attempts to hurt herself. I can't imagine trying to live without my kids and she gave birth to them. I wish I could help but they are not my priority, the children are. We will be sending pictures and letters regularly. When they are old enough to to handle things we will help them through a visit but we are talking years and years from now.

We have scheduled a visit from the aunt and uncle again on Dec 22. I am not sure when we will meet up with the Gparents but sometime over the holiday for sure. I hope that since i can not give them the relationship with their parents that they deserve I can at least give them their extended family. I know it is not ever going to make up for what they have lost, I just hope it helps a little.

Bragging a Bit

Ella showed her butt in AT this morning. WOO HOO! It sounds crazy but it helps so much for them to show the real sides of them to the AT.

The first thing the AT said to me this morning was that he and his co worker couldn't believe how good I was with dealing with the tough stuff. They are impressed with my patience and skills to parent children with these issues. I am not good at accepting compliments and tend to shrug them off but this was important to me. This is all I do I had better be good at it. My DH always tells folks I was built to do this, it is true. Not many people had the opportunity to learn to parent difficult children under direct supervision of a licensed therapist. I had this when I began in a group home. Love and Logic parenting comes naturally to me.

I am not perfect, I have bad days. A few days ago I let the F word slip when hollaring at the dog. I am not proud of it and apologized to the kid that heard me. SHe laughed. I get mad at the kids but as I am hollaring about what not I usually am telling them how smart they are or complimenting them somehow. Kinda weird, huh? Someone pointed it out to me the other day when I was feeling like a horrible parent for cursing. I take every chance I can to tell them how wonderful they are even if it is yelling it at them. LOL I never hold a grudge, the minute they sincerely apologize I am over it. There is nothing they can do that will make me stop loving them and trust me they have tried to come up with things. We have a saying here, "I love you when you are good, bad, or ugly."

I liked bragging about Michael today in AT. HE is doing so well. We put a picture of me at his age in his room to protect him from bad monsters. It has helped.

Fall Pictures

I have the cutest kids! We decided that due to the huge increase in school photos that we would do group photos in the Spring and Fall. The photographer wants to use this one for his business card.

Which one should we use for our Christmas card?

From top and left to right - Emma, Ava, Ella, Shyanne, Ruthie, Cyr, Michael, and Patches.






This is my favorite because they look like they are having so much fun and it reminds me how much they have changed. This time last year their smiles were so superficial. I love them so much.

Another Lovely Day in Our Life

I began the day with a terrible headache that seemed to get better with ibuprofen only to reappear after AT. I took Cyr and Patches to see our new AT (the one I really like) and we began with a brief game of Mother May I. Cyr, of course, followed all the rules and did wonderfully. She strives to appear perfect and will always do as she is told in front of others. Patches, on the other hand, showed her butt. She refused to play along and even squeezed out a few tears. Our private session with Patches just escalated. She began hitting the wall, tore her shirt off her back and had to leave in a bra (this is not uncommon for her), hurting herself, and screaming at me for no obvious reason. I was thrilled to have someone else see this side of her, especially her therapist. We spent almost 2 hours watching her rage. The AT felt Pathces was too much of a distraction to continue with Cyr and we will be doing their sessions on different days from here on out. I believe that will make 3 trips to their office a week for up to 3 hours each time. How wonderful is that? I really don't mind as long as it helps and this lady has struck a nerve in Patches for sure.

On to Frankee, she is out with that new guy she barely knows. She asked me to drop her off about an hour ago and usually I wouldn't but I just needed a break from her bitching. Her daughter cried b/c she didn't know her mother was being dropped off until she had already gotten out of the van. She later told me her Mommy has lots of friends that she goes to visit. How sad? I really don't understand that mentality of going out, I prefer to hang out with my Little Crazies. Anyway, I saw she had text this guy on my phone and being the nosey person I am I read a few of them. SHe invited herself over there and offered to lay in bed with him all day b/c he was hung over and she is sick. She doesn't know him, how could she offer herself to him? I am so sad for her. She is repeating her Mother's mistakes.

After we get through the drop off we headed to Staples for some software. I know the staff there was grateful to see us leave b/c Ava, Ruthie, and Michael all had lovely episodes there. I had to use a basket hold on Ava in the parking lot b/c she started screaming and pinching me. Poor little Shyanne is already used to our chaos. Michael just stood there and cried b/c I didn't have another hand to hold him, too. Just now he slammed Ava's face with a scooter not once but twice b/c she asked him to take turns. (My neighbors must hate us, I have no idea b/c they don't talk to us.) Ruthie refused to be nice to Ella and hold hands to cross the street, when asked to do it she flipped out and began "letting her crazy out in public". A term Emma made up and we all use regularly now.

I think bedtime is going to be 7PM tonight for the sake of my sanity.

You knew there would be concerns

We filed for guardianship yesterday and enrolled her in school today. Both were stressful. We took our oath and should receive the certified copy of guardianship in 4-6 weeks. The school had to put her in Ava's class. AAAHHHH!!!! Ava struggles to be appropriate socially and I worry this will be a problem.

The very night we do this, Frankee starts to show some not so pretty colors. I have concerns she will walk away, my DH brought up what I was thinking last night in bed. I caught her slipping some Crown Royal into her soda last night when she thought I was already in bed. She is obsessed with a boy she met online and it is all she focuses on all day. SHe went out last night to meet him IRL and several red flags came up. He is unemployed, drinks beer every night alone if necessary, and he can't spell. Hello, is anyone home? She is choosing poorly and she shouldn't be choosing at all. I had encouraged her to find a friend but I pushed her towards Mommy groups or AA. The other thing that is a concern is she has BiPolar and is starting to cycle rapidly. I am not sure she is taking her meds or if they are off. She screams at her daughter one minute and sweet the next. I address it but she doesn't stop. Only time will tell, I hope she pulls through this quickly. Her daughter needs her to be clean and focused on her in a positive way.

Patches is hitting a rough spot. This has been coming on since the adoption and she is in the middle of something big. Her rages had almost completely disappeared until this and now she is having them every couple of days. Sunday she broke her sisters glasses in half, knocked over both dressers and a tall bookshelf that was attached to a wall, ripped up several pieces of clothes, and screamed for a couple of hours until she was hoarse and exhausted. Yesterday was a similar incident but this time it began in the van outside of OT. I hope she gets through this quickly and safely.

Back to School?

Shyanne has been forcing me to play school all morning. She is a very good teacher, quite patient for a 5 year old.


It is so sad the things a child will casually tell you. This morning during my first cup of coffee she informed me all her Mother's friends do dope. When I asked her what it was she laughed at me and said it looked like a cigarette but it wasn't. She said her Mom gets mad when her friends do it and that her Mom doesn't. She told me this is the cleanest house she has ever lived in. Some lady named Lynne spanked her when she drank beer. Her stepfather yelled at her Mom and they would fight really loud and wake her up. We discussed how to call for the police if anyone hit her Mom or her ever again. SHe told me I was nice b/c I told her I wouldn't touch her privates or spank her. She is irritated the cough medicine is not stopping her cough altogether but she thanked me for trying. It is like talking to a mini adult, she is VERY country sounding and polite to the extreme.

Now if only the darn bell would ring so I could get out of class. She won't send me to the clinic to call home or to lunch.

You need to check this little girl out, she is an inspiration and we will be following in her footsteps this month. I would love to hear ideas of things my kids can do to make a difference or things you are doing.

http://twentyfivedays.wordpress.com/

The Tree and a Drive by Drop Off

We put up the tree last night with way too much effort on my part. I was able to control the urge to fix how they decorated it but let me tell you it wasn't easy and I am not promising I won't in the very near future. It is lopsided in every way, ribbons, color, ornaments, and lights. I haven't even begun to deal with the outside lights and decorations, that will be another weekend in itself.

From top to bottom and left to right: Frankee giving Cyr the ears, Patches desperately trying to hide, our newest addition is Shyanne, Ruthie, Ella, Ava, Emma, and Michael pouting at the bottom.

Shyanne did very well over the weekend. She has lived alone with her mother entire life has been without other children in the home and I expected her to be reserved when she got here. Frankee and I were both wrong, she was the belle of the ball and loved every minute. The kids fought for her attention and she bounced from child to child. She followed our rules and rarely complained. I thought for sure she would freak out about drinking water b/c that is all we drink and she is used to soda, nope nothing from her.

I went this morning to file for guardianship and of course forgot to bring some of the paperwork and my DH. We will try again on Wednesday afternoon. Her aunt called today and she has decided she can't keep the child until school gets out in a couple of weeks so she can transfer school after the holiday, she is bringing her tonight. I am more than irritated b/c the child is being monitored by DFCS and she is not allowed to just move her until we actually file. This is how kids get tossed around in the system, they are not a priority to the adults responsible for them. At least she will be able to stay put once she gets here, poor thing.

Before and After

This is what Frankee looked like last week. What a difference in a week. She was quiet and in a lot of pain. Now you can't shut her up!




















Frankee is a bit country. OK, alot country. The grown woman, mother of 3, has never really used a computer until she came here. Now she and I are fighting for it. I showed her how to get into chat rooms and MySPace, now she won't get out. She asked me to take a picture of her for her new MySpace account and this is the one we both liked. It sure makes her look like the sweet little girl she once was.

Sisters

The bad therapist the attachment center sent out quit last week. I thought it was strange she never showed but quit? Good, she sucked anyway. We started with the other owner for Patches and Ava this morning but we both quickly decided to slip Cyr in instead of Ava. I love this woman, she quickly picked up on several things with Patches. I see great things in our future.

Tonight we are having dinner with MY entire family at a family style Italian restaurant. My family consists of 3 sisters and my Mother. All are either married or in relationships heading to marriage. This is probably not going to be very much fun b/c 2 of my sisters are rude and difficult and their daughters are a product of their selfishness. I love my younger nieces but struggle to be polite with the oldest and this is her birthday celebration. They barely know my kids after 18 months and feel this was my second choice so I should be jealous my youngest sister is pregnant. They have tiptoed around this I will not keep my mouth shut if it comes up. My life with my kids is my first choice, having a relationship with my sisters is second.

We have had Frankee's daughter here this weekend and she fits right in. The kids are fighting for her and all want to sit next to her. She is adjusting to our rules quickly. I am not looking forward to the conversation we are planning with Frankee's sister and her girlfriend on Sunday night. They are the ones that asked me to take guardianship of Shyanne and now they have decided to adopt her. WTF? This option was never on the table. I guess they do not understand that Frankee has all her rights in tact and who has guardianship is completely up to her. I have all the paperwork and it is being notarized tonight so there is nothing they can do. I will try to be nice and make them understand this is best for both mother and daughter and they can remain in their life.

Frankee is worried I will become irritated and piss them off. This is very possible b/c I have a hard time holding my tongue when it comes to defending my kids, all of them. I think things will work out fine if I try to play like we are all on the same side trying to help poor pitiful Frankee. She agrees I need to seem like I am on their team. Kinda stupid when there is nothing they can say or do to change what is going to happen, even if they try to file for guardianship the Judge will go with what the mother wants as long as they are decent. We are decent and her sister lost her job and home a few weeks ago and had to move in with her employed girlfriend that has not even had a background check done. I am sure she will pass but they have been breaking the rules and no one will look favorably on that.