My son is not handling things very well. I've mentioned that he isn't eating well and is being a butt to everyone. Tonight he kicked the stair and I fell on top of him. He's fine. I got a scrape on my knee but I will live. After he freaked out in his room for an hour, skipped dinner, and ripped the last blind off his window he finally broke down. When I went back up there, I asked him if he was alright now and he agreed he wanted to tell me something. I sat on his bed and he cried for a few minutes. Then he told me he is afraid he is going to kill me with a gun or a knife. Then he told me he thinks about it all the time. He is also worried he may kill himself the same way. He claims he thinks someone will make/tell him to do it and he will have to. He claims he is not hearing voices or seeing anyone. He says he is still hearing clapping and music. He also told me awhile ago that the scary man told him to not to tell me anymore one night when he was raging. I'm not sure what to believe. I think he is being honest, maybe I'm just hoping.
We ended the conversation with the promise to continue to hide the knives. We have therapy tomorrow and Michael wants me to discuss hospitalization, again. He has no plan to hurt. He fears he will. I do not think they will keep him. I think the stress of the trial is making him worry about losing me. He begged me to still love him. He sobbed he hates he is mean to me. I rocked him and told him he was such a good boy, that I'll always love him, and forgive him. I only want to see him happy and safe. He is currently sleeping on the floor at my feet. He can't leave my side. I am not worried for my safety. I'll let you know when I am.