Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Keeping Him Safe

My son is not handling things very well. I've mentioned that he isn't eating well and is being a butt to everyone. Tonight he kicked the stair and I fell on top of him. He's fine. I got a scrape on my knee but I will live. After he freaked out in his room for an hour, skipped dinner, and ripped the last blind off his window he finally broke down. When I went back up there, I asked him if he was alright now and he agreed he wanted to tell me something. I sat on his bed and he cried for a few minutes. Then he told me he is afraid he is going to kill me with a gun or a knife. Then he told me he thinks about it all the time. He is also worried he may kill himself the same way. He claims he thinks someone will make/tell him to do it and he will have to. He claims he is not hearing voices or seeing anyone. He says he is still hearing clapping and music. He also told me awhile ago that the scary man told him to not to tell me anymore one night when he was raging. I'm not sure what to believe. I think he is being honest, maybe I'm just hoping.

We ended the conversation with the promise to continue to hide the knives. We have therapy tomorrow and Michael wants me to discuss hospitalization, again. He has no plan to hurt. He fears he will. I do not think they will keep him. I think the stress of the trial is making him worry about losing me. He begged me to still love him. He sobbed he hates he is mean to me. I rocked him and told him he was such a good boy, that I'll always love him, and forgive him. I only want to see him happy and safe. He is currently sleeping on the floor at my feet. He can't leave my side. I am not worried for my safety. I'll let you know when I am.

5 comments:

Sheri said...

So so so hard. So sorry.

SanitySrchr said...

My heart is just breaking and it's heavy for him. Just know that we are all still praying for the entire family on a daily basis!

MyLinda said...

How scary it must be for him to have these thoughts and know that he does not want to hurt you or himself. I applaud you for your calmness, loving ways and dedication!

Corey said...

Oh, love. What a heartbreaker.

robyncalgary said...

i dont know if you've read michael schofield's blog but he mentions how part of the reason jani is still connected to him and his wife is that they have interacted with her "voices" (a very abbreviated version of my take on that subject for him). i can see how it would be hard to believe him, and have you thought about like what if you believe him and try to empower him that he can fight against these voices and maybe him sharing what they say with you (or the AT or someone who can help more) so then its like you are telling him that you are with him in this battle against them so he doesnt feel so alone and scared? thats the feeling i get when i read what he says, that hes scared (as im sure you are too) but maybe trying to accept that the voices and cats on front steps (different kid i know) are there... like maybe it could help you all cope with it? i remember reading about you and patches (i believe) having a discussion about a cat on the front step that you told her wasnt real, and also just the confusion of whats 'real' and whats 'not'... i just think like if its real to her (or him), then it is real in some sense you know? trying to convince them its not real doesnt make them not see it, so it just confuses and scares more i would think. this is all just my opinion, i have no actual experience, i just love you and those kids and your family :) and i see myself in you when reading, just wanting to fix and HELP anyone you see going through difficult times.