Forever

I wish I could say today was better. It wasn't. I am exhausted, not hungry, and have a nagging headache. My son's teachers contacted me today through email and phone. I was careful to tell her he'd be back by Friday but didn't share the reason he was hospitalized with his primary teacher. She was the one that emailed so I was able to go back and erase the entire thing over and over until it was simple and w/o emotion. I didn't fare so well with the Resource Teacher. She has had him for the last 3 school years and followed us over form the last school. She works with Ella and Michael and asked where he was. Ella lowered her head and smiled but wouldn't answer so she became concerned and called. I let her have it. I feel bad. I should have kept my mouth shut but the moment she said how surprising it was that they never saw anything, I lost it. I told her that was the problem. My kids don't trust them, Ella couldn't share it with her. They fear removal. They are sleeping on my damn floor at night b/c they are terrified and feel unstable. They don't see his issues b/c he doesn't share it with them. He is afraid of their response. So much more that I should have kept bottled up. I wish she hadn't called.

Our new Case Manager from the therapists' office is fantastic. She has a daughter that had a stroke and she was treated the same way we are being treated. We discovered yesterday that she used to work with my Mother and was laid off. She remembers hearing about the kids. She contacted a really cool advocacy group that will help mediate between the school and I. I hope it works. They will help with the IEP process for 5 of the kids. The best part is they are free! I have to meet her there at 9 tomorrow to sign paperwork.

My DH went to see Michael. He was tired and asked to end the visit early. He says he is ready to come home.

Michael's AT called late tonight and we discussed what we need to do to help him. He agrees RTC is the obvious choice but understands my reluctance. He feels that the trial put him over the edge. He feels there shouldn't be any further traumatic events to do this to him. Hopefully, we will be able to decrease his meds again in the future. He thinks I can manage here with a few more precautions in place. We will talk about it over the next month while he is in the partial treatment program and get things in order.

I know most think I am stupid for keeping him here. They think I should listen to all the doctors and professionals but I feel further damage will be done if I make him go. The girls need him here. When he is gone for just a few days, they melt down. Ruthie is in the fetal position when his name is mentioned. Ella and Ava cry when I asked if they wanted to call him. Patches is shutting down in school. They need him. I promised them that I was forever. It is abandonment all over for them. It doesn't matter he will come back or that we go see him, he wouldn't be living here. He will feel I kicked him out b/c of his behavior. He will feel unloved. He needs me. He needs to be reassured by me daily that I love him and he is OK. I am afraid if he leaves his family, he will find it even harder to return to us. Being in a family is hard for him. Especially with the siblings that trigger all his worst fears and worst behaviors. He needs to learn to cope not run. I worry that in the future I will have to agree but for now I will let them go through the process and make my own adjustments here hoping to make it work.