Michael was sitting in my lap in therapy and told the AT he was fine. He didn't need to go to the hospital. The AT is smarter than that and excused himself, leaving the camera on. I asked Michael what was going on and he admitted he was afraid to tell the therapist. I asked him what he was afraid of and he said that he knew he was going to send him to the hospital. We talked about what he wanted and needed. He claims he needs to go to but is scared. He feels so bad that he is so mean to me.
After about 5 minutes, the AT returned. He had heard it all but wanted Michael to tell him himself. Michael was brief but direct. He thinks about killing me and himself. He thinks someone is going to make him do it. He claims he thinks about it all the time, angry or not. He feels really bad about hurting me and wants to be safe.
We agreed to hospitalization in 24 hours, if it continues. He was warm during the session and I realized he was running a fever so I am sure we are good at least until that runs it's course. We went over what we needed to do to make sure we are all safe until then. All the sharp objects are hidden and we informed the kids they needed to turn in all scissors and other related items.
I am worried about him. I am not worried about me. I fear he will think I am abandoning him when he needs me most. He told me he knows I love him more than anyone else b/c I always forgive him and tell him he is still a good boy.
The AT assigned us a case manager. She lives in our direction and will help coordinate efforts with the school. They are very concerned but this is a common situation for them and their clients. I am hopeful this will get better soon.
I have a couple of emails that I keep trying to get to but I am drowning. I promise to try tonight when they are lined up on my floor sleeping.