First Loves

Some of the emotional roller coaster I was hoping to avoid with this brief hospitalization has happened anyway. Last night, Patches screamed for about 45 minutes that we all hate her, I stole her from her parents, and the bus driver and teacher told her they loved her and wish they could take her home. The last statement seems harmless but is one of the worst things that they can hear. Her entire world crumbles b/c there is an out. She can can give up working hard on her issues. She can start over. There is also the threat that they could take her. We, as adults, know that isn't possible but she doesn't. She believes they love her and want her to live with them. I am positive the bus driver and teacher meant no harm. They meant it as a compliment. They can't imagine the damage that one sentence can do to. She became violent and threw a butter knife past a child's head into the sink. I do not think she was trying to hurt anyone. She was mad. She then slammed the broom on the table and threw it at me. She eventually calmed enough to do her chore and go to bed but at therapy this morning it went back into full swing.

It took her a minute to go off but she made 2 small holes with her fists, threw a therapeutic toy across the room, kicked the door many times and scared the people in the waiting room, shoved the sofa and stuffed chair around the room, knocked over the video camera, threw her glasses and the therapist's cell, and ripped the speaker system wires out of the wall. What she did do was admit she loves her other mother, she didn't break the glasses, she didn't try to really hurt herself, she didn't try to jump out the window, and she let me hug her and support her at the end. To most this seems ridiculous. This child just destroyed a room and some very expensive equipment. She also said she felt better, she heard me say that I'm not giving up. I do not like to see her get that angry but she does this on her own, no one pushes her to her limit. Life has a way of doing this on it's own. She had been asked if she would sit next to me, something she normally does without hesitation. She was looking for a reason to let her anger out. When I touched her leg she jumped off the sofa and into the corner in a fetal position. As we tried to figure out what was going on she became more aggressive when we hit on something. From what we can tell, after 3 + years with her, she is triggered by the changing of the season. In the past, it has been warmer this month and since the temps dropped lately, her emotional cycle came earlier. I think Michael's recent hospitalization and the trial had some to do with it, too. There is definitely something with the weather.

When all of this was happening this morning at the therapist's office, Ruthie went off here at home. I tried to help Rosa see the bright side of things, she was trying to help her sister practice her take down procedures. They kids were asked to pick up their rooms since they look like a tornado went through there every night. Ruthie went off. She's not even sure what the heck happened. Rosa is the last person to do a restraint. She hates them. I have taught her how b/c it is a necessary requirement in our home to protect the other children as well as the psychotic child. I heard Ruthie in the background when Rosa called, I knew she was escalating and going to require an intervention. You know how you learn the different noises and cries of your new little baby? It's the same with an older child, I know what each sound means and can usually predict which cries will escalate. Ruthie told me later that she feels safe enough around Rosa now that she knows she will hold her to keep her safe when she can't control herself. I'm sure Rosa is so happy about that. LOL When I got home she let me have it a bit and moved on.

My son came in really late last night. He made sure to find me and talk with me about hi experience. He is with older kids b/c chronologically, he is 9. I am sure before long he will be transferred to the younger group where he will fit in much better. He tends to enjoy being considered a "baby" in any situation. It's not a good thing for him.

I was checking my email and accepted a friend request of the sister of my first love. He died in a car accident while we were dating. It was one of those moments that affect you forever. I think of him often and still after all these years, talk to him. Not sure if he is listening or even can, but he has helped me through more in my life than I can tell you. Just the picture of him on her FB brought me to tears, instantly sobbing. It is something that I will never heal from, a loss that shook my world. It's a love that never had the chance to fade and that still aches many years later. He was beautiful, funny, and the most engaging person I have ever met. He had overcome so much in his short life and was an inspiration to me. He was also the person that introduced me to my husband. He insisted in the weeks prior to his accident, I had to meet this guy. He kept telling me how funny he was and how I would love him. Of course not in the way that I do. I didn't actually meet my husband until after he passed. We were friends for many years before dating but I always think back to when he told me all about him and how great he was and smile knowing he'd approve.

I have a lazy weekend planned. I still have 8 boxes of winter clothes to pull in and wash b/c it is getting chilly here. I have to go through the Halloween boxes to pick out costumes. The best part of my weekend will be the naps I plan on taking both days. We are about to go down now.