A couple of kids crawled into mu bed this morning, we used to not allow this but have recently decided that we need to bring some normalcy to the family and this is a good way. They crawled in and the discussion got deep quick. They wanted to talk about their parents. They struggle with loving them and what they have done to the kids. In this conversation that happens almost every day with at least one child, I learned something new that has my blood to the point of boiling. I am mad b/c I should have known, I should have guessed it and I have been causing the very thing that scares them the most when I do something that every family does at some point.
When a child starts to get out of control, I send them to their room to "get a grip" and they are welcome to rejoin us "whenever you are ready". Seems harmless enough, right? They would scream, kick the walls, wet themselves, hurt themselves, and even hurt others if they came around. It is b/c it is a trigger for them. I discovered today by the mouthes of 4 children that their parents would lock them in their room EVERY DAY, all day. Their parents had a routine of arguing every moment together so before work they would place them all in one locked room while they argued and he would go to work. She wouldn't let them out until he came home. They would cry and beg but she never did, they would soil themselves and starve but she wouldn't budge. They had to sit there without toys or food, all day. When he would come home they were let out to make themselves dinner and watch the "scary movie" and witness the horrible event that has caused them to be in jail. I am sick. It makes me remember when they first came home and we had to shut their bedroom doors at night for their safety, Cyr would have these horrible panic attacks about shutting the door, no wonder. Something I have never allowed myself to think much less say out loud, I hate them. I hate what what they have done but I also have extremely strong feelings of disgust for them. I need to work through this b/c it is not healthy for me to feel this way but for today I will sit in it.