Thursday, July 10, 2008

Hate, What To Do With It?

A couple of kids crawled into mu bed this morning, we used to not allow this but have recently decided that we need to bring some normalcy to the family and this is a good way. They crawled in and the discussion got deep quick. They wanted to talk about their parents. They struggle with loving them and what they have done to the kids. In this conversation that happens almost every day with at least one child, I learned something new that has my blood to the point of boiling. I am mad b/c I should have known, I should have guessed it and I have been causing the very thing that scares them the most when I do something that every family does at some point.

When a child starts to get out of control, I send them to their room to "get a grip" and they are welcome to rejoin us "whenever you are ready". Seems harmless enough, right? They would scream, kick the walls, wet themselves, hurt themselves, and even hurt others if they came around. It is b/c it is a trigger for them. I discovered today by the mouthes of 4 children that their parents would lock them in their room EVERY DAY, all day. Their parents had a routine of arguing every moment together so before work they would place them all in one locked room while they argued and he would go to work. She wouldn't let them out until he came home. They would cry and beg but she never did, they would soil themselves and starve but she wouldn't budge. They had to sit there without toys or food, all day. When he would come home they were let out to make themselves dinner and watch the "scary movie" and witness the horrible event that has caused them to be in jail. I am sick. It makes me remember when they first came home and we had to shut their bedroom doors at night for their safety, Cyr would have these horrible panic attacks about shutting the door, no wonder. Something I have never allowed myself to think much less say out loud, I hate them. I hate what what they have done but I also have extremely strong feelings of disgust for them. I need to work through this b/c it is not healthy for me to feel this way but for today I will sit in it.

12 comments:

MJ said...

How utterly awful! And how do you transition it so those rooms feel "safe" to them. I wonder if its possible to make a corner in the kitchen with big pillows and stuff or in an open room, the place they can go to calm down. Big hugs, its hard to not hate someone who has done such terrible things

Tudu said...

mj, they feel safe in their rooms at bedtime it is only when they are getting violent that we send them there. Their rooms are pretty bare and our thoughts were to let them scream it out there. We have a time out area in front of our fireplace and we will just use that regardless of how aggressive they are becoming. I will never send another child to their room to gather themselves, I will keep them close but I am afraid it may mean more restraints so we will have to see how it goes.

Lindsay said...

I don't blame you for feeling hate - what these people did to your kids is hateful. I wonder if it is significant that 4 of your kids all disclosed this today so soon after the arrest. Maybe with the parents in jail they will start to feel safe to begin unloading more stuff on you. I guess it can only help with their healing and I wish you strength in helping them.

Innocent Observer said...

That's awful. It's great that they are finally able talk about things like this.

I'm with you, it seems almost silly to have not figured that one out, but there were MUCH bigger things that you DID know that kept you occupied. Hindsight is 20/20.

Is being sent to their rooms now a trigger? Maybe it isn't, just something they are talking about. Being sent to your room with the ability to come out anytime you are ready is NOT the same as being locked there all day with no chance of escape. And they had been able to calm down with that system, or so I thought.

Innocent Observer said...

p.s. I hate them too. I can't wrap my brain around how someone could hurt a child in the way that they have. Just can't fathom it. I have always pictured them a certain way in my head, and hearing how young she is was shocking. Thank god you are their mom and can help them heal and be good mom's and a dad someday to their own kids.

Wendy said...

There has to be a stronger word than hate, because what they have done to these precious children deserves more than just plain hate. Thank God they have you!!!

Tudu said...

I think it is still a trigger for them, I always chocked it up to them already losing control. Ruthie always seems to be triggered by Michael's episodes in the same way. Things have calmed down dramatically today.

Maggie said...

Oh my goodness. How could you have known that, though? I'm so glad the kids feel secure enough to tell you these things now.

The hate has to be so difficult. Slugger's birth parents did an awful lot wrong, too, but nowhere near the caliber of what your kids lived through. So it's easier for me to feel empathy and even love for them. I don't know how I could muster any positive feelings in your situation.

Diane said...

So many of us foster parents go through these feelings that you are having, so don't feel alone. At the moment I have only one foster daughter, but she has a sister and the stories they tell me make me sick. Their mom's official termination hasn't happened yet and I get sick each time I think that she might be manipulative enough to beat the system and be able to get these kids back home. For now A. is my daughter and I'll cross any other bridges that I have to when I come to them. Not that it is easy to wait!

Diane
www.fosterfamilytalk.blogspot.com

Lisa said...

God bless you honey! It's so hard (impossible most times) to know what the triggers are. Don't ever beat yourself up over it! Hindsight is always 20/20. Dammit...where are my clairvoiyant powers when I need them! ;-(
You are a fabulous mom! Give yourself time to hate them. Write them a scathing, hateful, venom filled letter and burn it! (That always helps me anyway.)
I am sending you cyber chocolate oatmeal cookies. Eat till you puke!
Huge hugs!
L

Michelle said...

Tudu, I have learned more about adoption and foster parenting from you than I ever did from IMPACT classes. That being said, GO EASY ON YOURSELF. You could NOT have possibly have known everything those kids went through when you got them. I'm not sure how you could have physically kept them safe AND not collapsed from exhaustion at first, without having closed doors at night.

As for the hate, I know you will deal with it. You have so much compassion, I know you will find a way to hang on to that. Hate hurts yourself more than it hurts someone else...after all does the hated person feel what's going inside of the hater? Of course, I'm sure you already know this...I can tell from your blog.

Christine said...

How awful is right. It is so sad what children go thru. Your family is blessed to have you.