It was an anxiety attack. I feel stupid about it b/c I feel like I could have handled it better than I did. I was exhausted and sore from earlier and when I struggled to gain control of Ruthie and just couldn't hold her it freaked her out. She was scared and began really freaking out. She had been screaming that I wasn't keeping her safe and I usually don't call my DH into it b/c he becomes too protective of me. I don't need that, I am always fine. Not always, now. He is the most gentle person I know but the few times he has seen them attack me he flips out. It doesn't help. He yells really loud and says things that don't help b/c he goes into "protect my wife mode". It is sweet on one hand but they are already so out of control they need the parent to be calm. I try to sing softly when they are held and blow on the back of their sweaty necks while they try to pinch, kick, and try to get loose. It calms them down quicker if I am calm. I am not always as calm as I would like to be but for the most part I focus really hard on making sure the other kids are safe and then the child losing it.
We are all fine this morning and Ruthie is up my rear end. She has this irritating habit of hanging on my neck. I am not kidding when I say she actually wraps her little arms all the way around my neck, folds her fingers together, and lifts her feet. She expects me to function like this. As I sit here she is leaned over my back, laying on me with her hands around my neck. As of today, she will no longer be allowed to do this. She will be given attention when I want to give it to her and that's it. It is all about control and desperation for her. Last night was all about control. Her AT is very concerned b/c there is no reaching her when she is like that. She is a completely different person. She does remember most of it so we know it isn't that she has more than one personality but it sure feels that way when it happens.
Michael and Ella will be getting a new therapist next week b/c our male AT is so busy and he is required so much in court. They are growing rapidly and I am fine with changing b/c she has trained with our other AT. Both of these kids are easy and manageable. It's hard to believe Michael is considered manageable but he is. Ella is just a victim, she is not a lot of trouble to parent other than that. They almost present as normal children, all he has to do is learn to interact with peers. He isn't that bad, he just doesn't get things that most kids would get. His intense cuteness more than makes up for it. LOL