When....

are you coming to pack this crap up? I am running out of excuses and blogs to read, hurry up already.

Aunt Michelle called and she and Uncle Floyd will be interviewed by the detective on Monday. She is happy to help the kids in any way she can. This is also her excuse not to help me pack.

Talk about Crazy

Their parents called again last night and I am avoiding them. What if that tips them off that something is off? Probably not smart enough for that. They think we didn't really adopt them b/c DFCS has an open case on them, it didn't dawn on them that it could be a new one. The teen mother and her son moved out immediately when they were contacted about their safety but nothing clicked for the parents. I guess I will send some pictures to them to hold things off for a bit. I just got a negative feeling about sending them pictures after learning what they have done. Maybe I am being greedy or selfish.

My sister and her new DH had an incident on the road yesterday. Now keep in mind he is the Asst. Chief of Police in the city they live in. They (Kiki, BIL, Abbie, and Brooklyn) pulled out onto a main road and a truck coming extremely fast swerved around them and got in front of them flipping BIL off and then slowed to a snails pace. BIL (being the gun toting, classy, cool, calm, collected man we all know and love) flipped him back off. The Crazy Guy motioned for BIL to pull over and refused to sped up or get out of the way. BIL did while Kiki reminded him to calm down and just call this guy in. BIL and Crazy Guy get out of cars and Crazy Guy starts freaking out, trying to remain calm BIL gets in Crazy Guy's face then walks away, never giving Crazy Guy a clue who he was. Crazy Guy screams he is calling 911 b/c BIL was harassing him and BIL tells Kiki he is driving around the corner to call Crazy Guy in b/c he is obviously on drugs. Both do it and 2 police cars show up in a minute so BIL drives back around to Crazy Guy and cops. Crazy Guy is going off and telling his side then the officers turn to BIL and ask his very different side of things, again never revealing his identity. When all is said they turn to Crazy Guy and say, "OK Sir, you are going to jail." Crazy Guy freaks out screaming how he is the one that called the cops and he didn't do anything wrong. They looked at him and smiled, "You have 2 warrants and we are going to charge you for possession of the marijuana sitting on plain viwe on the front seat of your truck, not to mention you are harassing our Asst. Chief of Police." and pointed to BIL. Crazy Guy's mouth fell open, he went to jail. This had to be the only person within 100 miles that didn't know who my BIL was, he was all over the newspapers when he was first promoted. They get stopped constantly by well wishing strangers, Brooklyn (3) thinks they are all famous now b/c everyone knows their names. I guess Crazy Guy should have read the paper.

The First of Many to Come

Ruthie had her first meltdown in quite awhile. I saw her brewing and she took off to her room, after a bit she began stomping so I went to see if she was jumping off the top bunk again. She refused to answer and since she was in a squatted position exactly where she would have landed I insisted she join me downstairs. She immediately went off. I picked her 48 # rear end and carried her. That infuriated her. I laid her on the floor in the office and let her scream. The kids started to peek in and I let them join us. I explained she obviously was in need of some attention and they were free to support her. She calmed and I asked her to stand in front of me, she began screaming at me. I know how strange this will sound but she was so great. She is so different than she was. She told me her feelings, she actually realized what was upsetting her and yelled it at me. I did have to push her a bit emotionally but she did all the work herself. She told me she is scared about moving, she has moved too many times and this is not fair, she likes her school, and she is afraid. I feel like the worst mother in the world but at least I have the best kids to make up for it.

We had a family meeting and talked about the move. We talked about being scared and angry. What it came down to is the unknown. We looked online at he new school and it is 1/3 of the size they attend now. That helped.

P.S. I just overheard Emma calling her other Mother Mama. Not that it bothers me, we have discussed it at length at Emma's request and I have encouraged her to since that is who she is to her. It is just weird and I turned around to see what she wanted. LOL

Cyr and Ava had their interviews yesterday. Cyr did very well in describing her feelings toward me and the interview on the way there. This is extremely difficult for her b/c she doesn't actually feel much. She has a very flat affect, there is no high or low, ever. No other child would be praised for telling their Mom that they hate listening to them talk, they think their Mom is stupid, or they feel like they are going to throw up if they have to describe the way their body is reacting to their feelings. She didn't raise her voice and I felt she was being honest so I praised the heck out of her only irritating her more. When we got there she was extremely cold towards me (typical) and I maintained a tight grip on her control of the situation in the playroom. I asked her to make eye contact with the interviewer when she came in to introduce herself, I was reprimanded later by the interviewer for being too strict. That was the only thing that irritated me about these folks and it really wasn't their fault, they do not understand the attachment part, sadly most don't and I look like a witch to the teachers, extended family, and general public. It stings every time and I think she enjoys making me look that way. I forced my hug and kiss as she went off to the interview, again looking weird when any normal child would have reciprocated and made it a normal exchange but her strange reaction to my love makes me look weird or unloving in some way. How does that happen? I got off there on a tangent, sorry. She did well, she looks believable and "so sweet". Again, it must be me that is the freak in this situation.

Ava continued to talk miles around the male interviewer. He gave up after 30 minutes and admitted she might have nothing to say.

I came home to a lovely home, dinner, and half the kids bathed thanks to my MIL. She is a resource we will greatly miss when we move across the state. (At least , you won't have to be awoken to hear me freaking out about missing socks anymore, Nanny.)

Ruthie has been doing the laundry. She seems to enjoy it and even though she is not good at it, I don't have to fight her. She is required to fold and separate the clothes for everyone and place the stacks on the steps, that's it. I personally washed all the socks yesterday so I knew they were clean but couldn't find a single pair of socks or Michael's pants this morning. I panicked and called my MIL after an hour and a half, hoping their disappearance was a misunderstanding and they were sitting somewhere. She, of course, had no idea what the heck I was talking about but suggested I look under the sofa Ruthie had been folding on. She was right and saved the day, I had less than 5 minutes to get each of the remaining 5 children socked and shoed before the bus came. Ruthie had stuffed ALL of our socks under there so she didn't have to match them. I am grateful she and Patches had already left for school wearing my DH's size 15 socks, it no probably saved her life. I imagine their teachers are wondering why they are wearing them.

I have to pack today. I don't want to. Maybe we could just move into a fully furnished house instead. With all the packing and cleaning I am doing in my dreams, I am surprised to find it still here every morning staring back at me, taunting me. I am getting very little sleep again, and if I do dose I am having crazy, wild dreams. The other night I had married into the mafia and they had sent someone to kill my DH b/c his new BIL was an FBI agent. They were right outside my window and later out front of our house. Every time I would go back to sleep they were there trying to kill us. I have also moved and unpacked several times, once into a mansion without the kids.

The Interviews

The kids were so nervous about today and they did wonderful. We asked them to be brave and honest, they were. Everyone but Cyr was interviewed today and she will be joining Ava tomorrow for her second interview. We didn't ask alot of details, to spare ourselves, but they confirmed everything we said and so much more. The detectives spoke to the Asst D. A. and they feel confident they will be charging them with 6 counts of Aggravated Child Molestation. They have a lot of investigating to do over the next few weeks, they need files from all the therapists, DFCS, our agency, and we have to schedule medical exams. They will be contacting the aunt, uncle, and Gparents, all are completely supportive of this process. Then they will bring in the mother alone, I will not be surprised if she confesses. He will deny it without a doubt. We talked a bit about facing them in court and what kind of witnesses they will be. The kids could go either way but they feel the tapes from today will say everything they need. They were detailed, in their own words, and they matched up on many levels, in other words too many witnesses saying the same things. Each charge can bring 25 to life, they feel any decent attorney will plead it down but there will be a lot of jail time. The kids have no idea of the legal happenings so they don't worry for the next year or longer about court. We did tell them everyone needs consequences for their behavior, they all agree and told the interviewers they never wanted to see their parents again even if they did love and miss them.

I refuse to post anymore today

The news I have been holding on to for the last few weeks that has been eating away at me is........we are having to move. This has been such a huge disappointment for us as their parents, they have moved so much, they are in the middle of the school year, and they have friends now.

When we originally moved here the Belinda decided she couldn't afford this huge house and she couldn't sell it or she would have to pay her husband half her profit from the house. We agreed to a 2 year Lease Purchase. She suddenly became addicted to crack after she was introduced to it by her new boyfriend and has since disappeared. Over Christmas we were bombarded with calls from lawyers, car rental places, then the knocks on the door in the middle of the night repo guys looking for her. We thought we had things worked out awhile back when we were able to locate her, she immediately changed her number and is gone. During our brief discussion we were able to get the mortgage company info and have been sending the payments through Western Union. They are no longer accepting the money and have begun to foreclose on the house. We will be given 3 days notice at some point but have decided to take the loss and move before they knock. We are unable to get our money back for the months they won't accept b/c it was sent in her name.

The good news. The kids are thrilled with the thought of a move and not for the reason we assumed. We were naive in thinking they would be upset and then figured they were just comfortable with moving and it was familular. No, they are happy b/c their family won't know where they are. They are so afraid their beloved aunt and uncle might tell their parents or their parents might follow them that the thought of moving is comforting. Emma is upset about losing her best friend but once we promised to have her visit, she was fine.

Now let me tell you about the house. I promise pictures when we head back out there for the walk through next week. We will be renting in the area that we will be building our dream home. The house is simple, 4 bedrooms upstairs and 2 down with a total of 3 baths. The kitchen is so small I am not sure how we will manage but everything else we need is there and I think we will be turning the dining room into additional cabinet space since we don't use a traditional table but a picnic table in the kitchen. So the house is ok but the property is perfect! With almost 4 acres they have a basketball cement pad thingy, lots of hardwood trees (that is particularly difficult to find in GA b/c pine trees are EVERYWHERE) that have the underbrush cleared out, a barn with stalls (the kids want a pig, we are thinking of horses maybe later), a gigantic area for a garden, almost an acre of grass for playing, and more berry bushes than we can eat in a summer. We are so excited about the garden, the kids remember having one at their Nanny's and I had one years ago with my teen girls. (Any advice on gardening would be helpful, I am just gonna wing it).

This area is in the country and the best part is that the home school services all the kids special education needs. They will all be going to the same school! I called the County's Transportation to find out what school it would be and the Supervisor went on and on about the school. I called the County's Special Ed Dept and she went on and on about the teachers there. I looked it up online and they are a decent school with a nice mix of children, low ration of students to teachers, low free lunches, and good test scores.

One other really good thing, the rent is less than half of what we are currently paying. We will have the resources to pay off the property we find and build on it. My DH has always dreamed of doing this himself and since we don't have the time right now to get it together we will at least move to the spot where we can do it in our own time.

I dread the move, I haven't packed a thing waiting to find out what we were doing and where we were going. Our scheduled move in date will be March 8th. Any volunteers to pack? I have decided since we are moving to a house that is so much smaller than our current one, we will be donating a lot to someone. I am leaving all their broken toys and they can take 4 or 5 toys each plus all the group toys like XBOX, board games, and outside toys. We are downsizing big time.

I am so nervous about tomorrow and another thing I have to wait to blog about for pure fear it may fall through if I speak about it. My stomach is in knots waiting for the phone to ring or the email to come through. No, it is not more kids.

I just got home from the 2 elementary schools. Ruthie and Ella were given a tour of the office and told about their safety precautions. We discussed the special treatment they receive w/o even knowing. They told them that I put on file before school started that any contact from their first family should warrant a call to the police. The kids were surprised to know the entire school is locked except for the office and the teachers are all aware of who their parents are. We have reinstated the rule that my children will not be allowed to roam w/o a teacher in the hall. Both girls feel much safer.

I am heading to 2 elementary schools this morning to show Ruthie and Ella there is a safety plan in place so they can relax about being kidnapped. They are worried their parents can just come in and check them out.

Ruthie asked me this morning if my super powers can be removed. She cracks me up sometimes. I told her only when I sleep on my head hanging from the closet, she seemed satisfied and got on the bus. I wonder what she tells that bus driver, she surely thinks I am a nut case.

Does Anyone Know Where the Fast Forward Button Is?

Last night we went to my sister's housewarming party of sorts. Had a blast. Kids were great. Came home b/c it was too cold to camp out in the lovely tent my DH put up. Woke exactly 2 hours after I fell into a beautiful slumber to race to the bathroom, missing by 10+ feet and puking all over the wall and carpet. It would be simple if I had just done it once but that wasn't the case, I couldn't move for rear of having a very large area to clean. Why doesn't someone else clean up after the sick mom? Do they everywhere else but here? My first thought when I got sick was my dear sister had poisoned all of her 100 guests, those who know her wouldn't be surprised in the least if she had. It seems it is a bug instead, I have 3 more kids on the sofa.

Emma had a blast at her Mother's house. She is starting to understand what adoption really means. Those folks not involved tend to think she will forget her family and just be happy with the one she has now. This is not the case, she loves both families deeply and to stop visits would destroy her. She needs them as much as she needs us. She is wondering about the why, now. Why didn't she keep her? Why did she keep 2 of the 4 girls? She had a good cry after her return home and then was comforted by some sugared up cereal for dinner. She is so smart and compassionate, she is one of the sweetest people I know. She worries about her Mother's loss right along with her one. How many 6 year olds get that?

Today all hell broke loose with Michael, Ava, Ruthie, and Ella. Who knows if it was me in bed or the abuse. They are eating out of the neighbors trash b/c they saw cereal (not the first time they ate like this). They were only out there to play on the front yard but Dad must not check as often as I do knowing the crazy that is within them. Two kids were rolling around on the floor and since that is a HUGE issue my DH lost it and began screaming. We had a fist fight, mini food fight, someone put a fully used pull up on the kitchen counter next to the coffee pot (what better way to say piss off Mom than that?), and since a recent discussion of bottoms tingling I am being told EVERY time they have one. This is not something a mother wants to know. In our case, I need to know while things calm back down but come on, who tingles this much? Can't someone fast forward to Spring so they can be working hard in the garden instead of letting me know they have to go relieve themselves in an intimate way? If is was for attention I could handle it but it is not, they are just trying to be honest and safe.

A fun Weekend

We are off to a camp out at my sister, Kiki's, new house. It has not a stitch of furniture and just had the toilet put in. I am sure my kids will be charming and well mannered but crazed from the over stimulation of burned marshmellows and no bed time. They are sleeping in a tent with the older cousins and with proper placement, I feel they will do well. We will have several tents out there so the ones that tend to act out will separated. My DH an I are expected to sleep on a blow up bed inside and I am thrilled he has lost so much weight, now we won't exceed the weight limit and end up on the floor.

We are having an entire pig, the kids wanted to know if it was a baby one or a senior citizen. I about fell out and assured them it died of old age. I know they will just choose the hot dogs she has provided unaware it is the same things. LOL

I slpet well last night, only waking 5 or 6 times. These nightmares are becoming more clear and I am afraid this mess with them has just stirred my own memories of abuse. This is something I can deal with. After many years of therapy I am in complete control over it and am sure it is just the fact I am relating theirs to mine. It should get better from here.

I am off to Walmart before the world wakes and the kids starve to death. We have another lovely scheduled AT appointment for Cyr and Patches today. I hope they are able to be as strong as the others.

I am a Super Hero

Ruthie was powerful in her session. She was scared and shaking but told the therapist everything. He videotaped it and we are slowly building a case. She makes a good witness much to my surprise she refused to back down. I am so proud of her. She also told the therapist I have special powers, I can keep her safe and make sure no one kidnaps her.

I am going down for a much needed nap with my sweet little Brooklyn (my niece).

I Slept, Mostly

I was restless from 1:53 on but I got several hours in. Woo Hoo!

My son has decided he won't take a shower, we are on the 3rd day. He also wets every night so there is bit of a bonus to his stench. I hug him every day and tell him I love smelly boys but it is too bad his "girlfriend" Sophia probably won't. Dad will put his foot down over the weekend and I am sure he will cave in. This is surely coming from all the stress in the house and he has coped many times this way. He protects himself from sexual abuse and emotional closeness by smelling like a toilet.

Ruthie woke in a very good mood and she is aware we are going to therapy to talk about the scary things. I think the thought of missing school makes it all worth it. LOL

I talked to their Gparents, aunt, and uncle that we will be holding off on future visits. The kids are frightened they will tell their parents were they are. They were very understanding and promised to keep their mouths shut. I feel sorry for them all, they are in such pain over the kids and the loss of their daughter. They refuse to speak to her again.

I have had my 2 nieces all week and Abs, 8, asked me if my kids were always going to be crazy or will they be normal one day. Kinda sad at 8 she sees it. I assured her they were just temporarily crazy like me and that made her laugh. She adores them, quirks and all. She just worries. She is a sweet child that is suffering from a severe undiagnosed learning disability, the same one I suffered through elementary school with. It makes her feel stupid b/c she just can't read or comprehend anywhere near grade level. I remember those feelings. She and I were talking about it yesterday and I asked her if she thought I was smart, she laughed and agreed I was. I told her we had the same LD and I know she is just as smart as me we just hide it until the teachers learn to teach us the right way. Then all of the sudden we get it and are the smartest people in the world. She is excited to be smarter than her older sister (she actually has an IQ over 130 so that may be a stretch). She is in the process of having an evaluation with a private psychologist b/c the school refused to test her, she passes all her homework (it is not graded just given a 100 if completed) but fails her tests with 50 or below still giving her a barely passing grade. Stupid, huh?

I hope this makes sense

Day 4 with only moments of drifting to sleep. I feel like things are a blur and someone has slipped me drugs.

We went to AT this AM and video taped Ella telling me alone her version of the abuse. The AT said I did an excellent job of interviewing her without putting words into her mouth. She cried and cried. I am so proud of her. She was has no idea they scheduled the forensic interview for 5 of the 6 next Tuesday. They are opting to do one of them separately due to her history of sexually abusing 2 of the children. When the AT told Ella her parents deserved to be in jail for what they did, she agreed. She wants to put them there and made him promise she would never go back to them.

Ruthie is going in for the video taping tomorrow and I do not think she will talk so openly, even if the AT steps put again. She is still reserved and quite freaked out. She thinks I am going to leave her and they will find out where we live.

I am so sad for my babies, I am sure alot of this has to do with the exhaustion but I feel on the verge of tears constantly. I am certain, without any evidence just my own instinct, that the oldest was a very important part of what happened to my kids. I think he forced her to do the same things to the kids. She has no emotions, empathy, or conscience and I feel this has a great deal to do with why. I am so afraid for her future. I am so afraid what is going to come out. I don't want to have to choose for her to move to a RTC but the AT feels that very well may be the best choice for her future. I see effort, it is there but something is holding her back and I feel this is it.

Michael is acting out and claims he can't stop thinking about what his sister did to him.

No sleep and not much of an update

As most of you know, when a child starts to reveal their abuse they become quite clingy and fears surface. Mine are, for lack of a better term, a hot mess. I have not slept in 3 days, literally, up all night. I am pacing the floors and waiting to sooth the next crying child. They are scared to death that their parents are coming for them. They wake for every noise and door alarm that goes off.

Ruthie has dark circles under her eyes and is crying spontaneously. Michael is freaking out and mouthing off to my DH, that is unheard of around here. He actually screamed at my DH. He is in his room making him a card to apologize for saying he is no longer my DH's buddy. Poor thing. Ella wants to tell me more and more details and I am having to kindly put her off to the therapist b/c I can't take any more.

The Detective that called last year about all this is now hot on their parents' trail. She is determined to get to the bottom of this. I got a call from the aunt today that DFCS and the Sheriff's Dept have called them looking for the parents to see who is living with them. We had heard they have a baby and his teen mother in the house. I was surprised at how quickly they have moved on this, within a hour of talking to me. The Detective will call me in the AM with a day to interview the kids, they are going to clear out 2 of the locations so all can happen at the same time and not put us out with several drives up there. She remembers the family history and very experienced in this area. I like her attitude.

No, I haven't died, our computer on/off button has broken. The one thing you need, not good. I will update later, maybe tomorrow during the day when most of the little ones are busy at school.

I have Kiki's (my favorite sister, no, person in the world) kids this week. It doesn't seem fair that their county is out the entire week while mine are forced to attend classes knowing their cousins are home with me.

Just a teaser...........we are moving and it will be immediately. Details to come.

I have realized in the last few days just how much I love these kids. There have been ups and downs (OK really up when they are up and really down when they are down) but we are a family. They are my entire life as unhealthy as that might be for some it is exactly what my kids needed. Even my brief time spent without them is still about them, like the RAD support dinner, the books I read, and the romantic getaway (really was a marriage support seminar given to us by our agency). They are everything. I am so glad we found them and made them a part of us, Emma was right, it was boring before they came. I am enjoying the extra snuggles this week and our little Ella is whispering things to me throughout the evening. It is the cutest thing.

I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to fit in all their conferences. All are wonderful reports. They are all very different from last year, all are developing friends and gaining confidence. Just in case y'all didn't know, MY KIDS ROCK! I can't wait to see them in 10 years.

The Flood Gates Have Opened

Ella asked to speak to me last night and with her sweet little smile I foolishly thought she was gonna talk about her Valentines. She eyed the open bathroom door where Emma and Ruthie were showering and asked if she could close the door. My heart dropped, I knew more was coming. She sat on my bed and told me of another time the abuse happened. Any flicker of a doubt I had that perhaps she could be repeating things she heard were gone. The things she described brought me to tears. She had been holding this in, no wonder this child still wets at night, no wonder she continues to be a victim. I have heard alot about sexual abuse, having been abused myself and I worked with predators , I don't break down easily from the stories. There is no way she could have over heard anything like this, she used her own words and descriptions, I was completely caught off guard. I will be speaking with the AT today and this will be reported, we will be discussing how it will all play out and if we should allow her to testify against them. She is very convincing and wants them to go to jail. She told me for the first time, she never wants to live with them again, they scare her.

When one of our kids tell us something horrific about their parents, we do a little family group and we talk a little about what was said, not details but a general chat. I ask them how they can support the child through this memory. We have learned alot this way, once they know someone else has revealed something someone else usually breaks down and adds a bit more from their side. It will trigger some of them. This time we didn't say who it was but that some thing was said, that's it. Ruthie went into the fetal position, started rocking, and sobbing. After a bit, she kinda freaked out. Everyone else left the room and she confessed. She has another story, sounds like Ella's but different. There is something that jumps out at you, the father only orchestrates, he never touches. The kids could not have made that up, they couldn't all have gotten that part the same. He is a very disturbed man and other children besides mine are involved.

Ells revealed very disturbing memories about her parents in Attachment Therapy this morning. I had to take a minute in the restroom to gather myself. At first, I thought she was just repeating things she has heard but then I noticed her hands were really sweaty and she changed her tone of voice, the words were her own. It makes me sad, more angry that sad and very worried about what else may come out.

My son has now begun to call me Mama. It is in a baby voice and I am trying to ignore it b/c it is annoying. They all call me Mom or Mommy, not Mama. Weird that it makes a difference but it does.

Cyr is rocking on her chore lately and she decided to wear clean clothes today! I hate to praise her for it b/c she will stop but I can tell y'all. Yeah!!!!

Ava broke toothpicks in half and put them outside my door. She admitted in AT today that it was to hurt me. How sad is that? They did hurt me, one stabbed me in the foot as I went to my room last night. At least she is succeeding in something.

The AT was asking about a relationship I have with someone, not a relative or friend but more of a professional relationship, he wanted to understand her part in our life and her boundaries with the kids. I explained she was very passionate about the kids and I thought he would fall off the chair. He admitted he loves to hear my descriptions of people and that is whey he has asked about several people lately. He chooses ones I seem a bit negative about b/c he loves to see me spin a positive response when he knows the opposite is true. He swears that is why I am so good for these kids, I take an overbearing, nosey person and call them passionate.

SO Emma's friend, Lauren, spent the night and Sunday morning we made Banana Chocolate Chip Pancakes. Within 30 minutes of eating the child was covered in hives. Her entire back, face, ears, and neck. I called her parents and they immediately picked her up. She has Strep and Fifth's Disease. Lovely.

A few random things:
I have so much to do today that I am avoiding life by catching up on blogs. I have several teacher conferences this week and next, Goody. Em missed the bus for the first time b/c she couldn't find her shoes so now she is paying me to drive her. Van is still not running, I hope this week is the week. Someone is stealing food out of the pantry at night, of course it's not the fruit, it's the sweet stuff. I read Frankee's blog and the sister she is staying with is using Meth so she is miserable. Frankee also wrote she is getting her daughter this weekend but I am not sure it is true.

So what does a crazy Mother do if she finds someone to take 4 of her kids for the night? She takes someone elses. Patches, Michael, Ruthie, and Ava are at their Nanny's for the night. Emma spent last night with her best friend, Lauren, and apparently 1 night just isn't enough for them b/c she called asking if she could bring her home. I felt naked with only a couple all day so I said to bring her on. They will be sleeping in the living room on sleeping bags and I will be sharing our king sized bed with Cyr to be sure she stays where she should. DH is out for the evening with friends and he won't drive after even 1 beer so he plans to crash on their sofa. I appreciate it b/c I hate to wake up to beer breath and I prefer him alive.

Last night I went to our RAD support dinner. He watched the kids and I was out until almost midnight. I love those parents, we have a blast. I was in tears from laughter 20 times, their stories are so funny and we have so much in common. We have missed a few months due to the holiday and that is probably when we need it the most.

The 2 oldest had AT today. Both made huge statements that will impact them for some time. One admitted for the first time that something has happened to her (sexually). She would only respond with nods and ended up in a very scary disassociative state with shaking all over, rapid eye movements, and a weird breathing pattern. The AT was very concerned and told me we would do this in VERY small steps for her safety. The other child scares the heck out of the AT, she is concerned for my future safety. This child has admitted she wishes I would just go away, she would be just fine with my Dh and the kids. She doesn't have a plan and claims she doesn't want to hurt me, for me to just not exist would be great. Same child expressed the fear of becoming her parents and WANTS to do better. This is a very small step towards empathy, something she has never had before. The AT will be sending out 2 more therapists to assist in teaching the kids social skills and they will help monitor my safety. I am thrilled. I really do not fear her hurting me right now but I see it as a potential problem down the road. She does seem to really want help and that is a good sign.

BB, I will be fine, please don't worry so much. I know this all sounds so scary from your position but I really have a lot of support from the therapists and this is what I am meant to do. I had such wonderful examples like you and Rosie. You loved me even when I was unloveable, you forgave me regardless of the crime, and you showed me what a real marriage should look like. I love you both so much and I think of Rosie every day. You have no idea the impact you and Fred had on my life, you are more family than many of my blood relatives. In case I forgot to tell you before, thank you.

I hate it when a kid MAKES themselves cry (over not getting to a toy first) until they hyperventilate and when they cough for over an hour to irritate me. My responses today to both kids were, "I'll check on you when I hear you pass out." and "If you throw up, Sweetie, make sure you clean it up." A huge step up from stabbing herself with pencils and attacking me.

More

The DP of the aunt returned my call and was shitty with me, not snotty, shitty. She told me this was all my fault, I refused to go to the courthouse and sign the paperwork. This is true, I couldn't go at the specific time she required b/c my DH was at work and I had several kids home with fevers. I never refused to sign anything. She left me a message AFTER she was at the courthouse and I called her back ASAP. She had already left the building and paid for a Sheriff to deliver the paperwork. I thought they would deliver quickly, like the D.A. delivered Frankee's restraining order. I was wrong. How is this MY fault? I am so angry right now I could spit. Michael is taking tomorrow morning off to go sign. These people need to go away!!!!!!

What a Stinking Mess

Shyanne has been gone since Friday and I still haven't been served the discharge paperwork. I talked to the aunt on Tuesday and she promised in a snotty tone to look into it. I called her again today and explained I can not be legally responsible for a child that is not in my care. She, again, was snotty and said she would look into it. I called their county probate courts to see if they had filed and they had. The requested a copy of my paperwork and said they would not grant it until I had discharged it. She mentioned I needed to check with our county office to see if the mother can even sign it or are her rights temporarily terminated. Our county agreed with their county. Great, I have a kid that I have no idea where she is, I am responsible for her, she is not in school, and the family refuses to help. I asked her what I should do. She said, "You are to treat her as if she is your own child. What would you do if someone promised to return your child and didn't?" Call the police, right? I do not want this to drag out but I can not wait forever. They were not to remove her until I discharged. In the middle of all this her therapist called and asked to see her. I had to tell her the situation and now she is reporting this to DFCS. Lovely. She said this child's best interest was not being considered by her mother and she thinks she should stay put until the year is out. I hate to give up on a child but I want this craziness out of my life. If the court says they are alright, I do not want to fight this. Just get it done already.

Oh My!

Thank you so much for commenting and letting me know a little about yourselves. I am gonna get right on those blogs the minute the kids can survive without me for a minute or two.

I recognize several of you from the adoption sites I try to keep up with. You guys are the best! Atlasien, we really need to get together for coffee or a playground when your little one comes home.
Jen, you are such an amazing woman, I adore you.
Andy, Liam is one lucky little dude.
DebiP, get your butt back to blogging.


Kerry, do you always do what Yondalla says? LOL

Brooklyn, thank you.

Always. Faith, I am happy to agree to disagree.

Marthavmuffin, I am glad I sound patient, sure doesn't feel that way sometimes. I can't wait to hear from you again.

Soontobemom, we are in the same boat and I promise to help feed your addiction. Thank you for your kind words.

Mongoose, who could forget you? We are even, I don't think I have read yours from the beginning either. LOL

Wendy, I wish you all the luck in the world. How serious was the head injury? My DH has had 2 traumatic head injuries and while he would love to convince everyone he is fine, we can all see he still struggles every day to remember everything.

Emily, I think it is too funny you are reading this at work, that is a job I would love.

Monica, I love teen girls, that is where my journey began.

Carmel, I can't wait to hear about your new kiddos.

AnnMarie, I hope you are enjoying it.

Anna, I noticed someone up there, welcome.

Liveurlife, I love your name.

Maggie, thank you. Are you connected to adoption in any way and what do you want to be when you grow up?

Angie, there is not much difference after 3 kids so just add a couple more. I just love Lorie!

Torina, bring on the teens. I love your description of our kids, you are right on the money.

Suzanne, I am completely addicted to Sharon's blog.

Shadowcat, these children can make our lives very lonely. My Dh wold not let me live if I didn't comment on how he is Scottish and is a descendent of King Robert of Bruce. LOL

I hope I didn't miss anyone.

Who are you?

Y'all really are reading the whole thing! I have been checking the sitemeter to see who is from where since no one new is really commenting and so many folks have hit me 40-80 times in the last day or so I can tell you are getting into it.

I had a record high of 1558 hits in one day on Saturday. Anyone want to de lurk? How about the new folks in NE or GA? I know BB reads from NE but who is the other person? There are several people from GA, Atlanta and Alpharetta, talk to me people. I had mass reading from NH and who is from Taiwan, you sure are a faithful reader. Tell me what you think, let me have it if I make you mad, just let me know you are here.

Thank you all so much for stopping by even if you choose not to come out and play.

Being Served

Everyone here is getting sick, they either are at the end, in the throws of a serious fevers, or starting to drip from every hole in their head. I am surrounded by needy, sick people! I keep thinking I am going to get it any minute but have somehow managed to keep it at bay. I have had my moments of misery but never went down.

Cyr is having a hard time keeping friends and my first instinct is it is her but what if it is the other girl? She is flipping through "boyfriends", too.

Frankee never called back and her sister's DP called yesterday to tell me they are having the Sheriff serve us papers to sign and file for their guardianship. We decided this is her child and no matter how screwed up she is she has a right to make the decision to lose her. As long as she doesn't end up back with her, anything is an improvement on what her life was. Shyanne deserves family.

Frankee on the other hand has posted some lovely crap about me on her MySpace page. She is in another "relationship" with a guy she met there. We have figured out she has had unprotected sex with 6 people in 2 months. That is a death wish. I am very angry with her and have thought of composing an email but am afraid I will be hateful and prove her right. She needs someone to blame for her disregard to our rules and safety so for now it is me. I am sure we won't hear from her for a very long time, if ever. She has no connection to ANYONE and is able to completely shut them off without looking back. It is so sad we have been through this with several of our former foster children, they use us up and never look back. The few that do are always forgiven and welcomed back with an apology. She is a very sick person and I hope she is able to find a safe place to land b/c I do not think she will ever heal.

The house feels weird without Shyanne and Frankee. She may hate us but we will miss them.

A Confession, More Sick Kids, and a Fight

I did something horrible, I am not ashamed, and you can't make me be. Frankee had installed the MySpace IM thing on my computer and it is always on so these creeps pop up. They do not just say things like, "Are you there?" or "What's up?", they say "Hey, Sexy!" and "I need to see you, I'm horney!". I don't want my kids to see that crap so as they popped up I told them to leave me alone and blocked them. This means she loses contact with these losers w/o even knowing it. Well, that's not the part I am talking about, last night that felon popped up. His words made it obvious she hadn't really told him to go away and he began begging her to come over for sex. I finally responded in a nasty way, "You are a criminal! Go away, get a clue, I am not your friend!" and then I blocked him. MUHAHAHA! See no guilt here.

I've got multiple kids going down. Ava and Shyanne on Thursday and Friday. Ava felt better yesterday but is back down for the count and took Patches and I with her. My DH has been in bed for 4 days with this stuff. Little Michael, Ruthie, and Emma are about to hit the floor any minute, they are coughing and complaining of a headache. I think Cyr may be the only survivor in all this and it is due to her constant distance to us, she pointed this out as a good reason to stay away. Yeah, right!

My DH is the best man I know. Who else would have agreed to parent our little crazies? He hasn't been feeling well and he has been a weiney about EVERYTHING. I went to give him medicine the other day and he yelled at me b/c I had to turn on the light in the hall. Kind of a jerk to say the least. ANyway, he has been kinda picking on Michael, he thinks it is in good fun but it getting to be too much. He calls him a girl, his daughter, a Mama's boy, etc. Michael is a bit feminine and while I have no idea his sexual orientation it is possible we will learn one day he is gay. He likes many things that are more feminine and even like to paint his toe nails red, not pink b/c in his mind that would be girlie. This could all be b/c he is the only boy or not, who knows? I just think we need to be careful about teasing him about that, just in case. My DH is an idiot and thinks otherwise. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't care if he is, he just thinks I am going to open the door and make it happen by not making him tough enough. Stupid man. So we argued about it and even though he doesn't agree with me, he does agree he doesn't want to hurt his feelings so he apologized to him. It was so sweet, he told him he loved him, he doesn't really think he is a girl, and he told him he sometimes makes mistakes as a Dad b/c he didn't have a good example as a kid and he needs Mom to tell him how to be better just like Michael. He promised me he will try to watch his words and teach him about being a boy and not teasing his feminine side. My DH has good intentions, he is just a man. LOL

Then they went to the store and got more medicine for us and some chocolate for them. I guess he showed me.

Never Mind

We had made the offer to Frankee and she claimed she wanted the weekend to think about it. An hour later her sister called and said she was coming over with all the paperwork and a notary. I tried to call Frankee repeatedly but she refused to answer the phone, I know she had her sister's cell and asked her to call it for me. That was several hours ago and she has still not returned my call and all she knows is it is about Shyanne. I think she is drining or doing drugs so she won't answer. I went to her MySpace page and she talks about betrayal and how happy she is to be out of here and with her partying sister. I am so sad for Shyanne but we are done and she is already gone.

My kids have learned so much about us through this. They have seen and commented on the length we will go to help one of our "kids". They see what kind of parent walks away and they related this to their parents way of parenting. It is sweet to see them trying to comfort me b/c I am worried about Frankee and Shyanne's future. I think this helped us as a family. We will miss Shyanne and hope that her family steps up and does what is right by her.

What to do about Shyanne?

I think Frankee is making a huge mistake by sending her daughter to live with her sister. Her sister is of the belief system that she will forget her mother if she doesn't talk to her. She refused to let her have ANY contact the last time she was there and won't even let her know where she lives or the phone number to the house. They are trying to send her to private school and that will make her 6th school this year. She started Kindergarten with her Mother, DFCS sent her to her Gpa's, then her aunt within 2 weeks, her aunt moved, then to us, and now back to aunt. All that since September. She is so delayed in school that it is not even funny. I am not sure if I am hurt and reacting to my feelings of rejection or if it is really in her best interest that she should stay here. I can't figure this out and she does want to go there but she says it is b/c she misses the horses and dog. She is the only child there but she was also told her Mother would live very close by. I am confused and very concerned about this child's future. This aunt threw out her pregnant 16 yr old to live with her 26 yr old boyfriend and has only been living with her partner for a few months herself. I think her partner is a lovely woman but the aunt has not always been a good parent, she herself had lost custody of her children several years ago to her ex husband and has no contact with her son at all. Her daughter only lived with her briefly until she became pregnant. I just don't know what to do. I think I could fight but should I? Shyanne, Frankee, and her sisters all say she should stay with family, I agree in most cases but Frankee was so desperate to get her away from her in the first place. I am so sad for this little girl, she is about to lose her Mother.

Edited to add: I discussed this with my wonderful husband and we felt it was completely unfair to Shaynne, we have made the offer to Frankee that she move back in until school is out. She must stay off the computer and focus all her attention on her child. She is taking the weekend to think about it.