Thursday, February 04, 2010

Secrets and Consequences

After 3 and half years, one of my girls was still terrified to tell me something she had done because she fears I might stop loving her or kick her out. Will she ever understand I love her unconditionally? I am disappointed in what she confessed. It only confirms she needs me to buckle down even more than I thought. The abuse she suffered still affects her thinking and she can not trust herself with boys. She is such a good girl. She just wants everyone to like her.

She found herself in a situation that she was showered with attention from an older boy. She knew what was happening was wrong and felt scary but she said she couldn't say anything. She let him pressure her and didn't feel like she had any other option. He wasn't mean or violent and she didn't say no so she must have been equally to blame, in her mind. We have talked openly about situations just like this. Somehow her fear took over and she shut down. She doesn't blame him.

When I "forced" her to go over the details, she skipped giant parts. It was in those parts that I realized what happened. He encouraged her to drink alcohol. He told her she wouldn't get drunk even though she was already feeling "dizzy". He knew she was very young and was dancing in a grinding kinda way with her. She loved the attention and had been feeling like a 3rd heel because her friend had brought 2 friends this trip. All of it added to the situation.

After getting about all I could from her I contacted my BIL to see what, if any charges could be brought up against the boy. Off the top of his head he said at least 4 but he's sure he could come up with more if given more than 30 seconds. Interference with the custody of a child, adding to the delinquency of a minor, endangerment of a child, and child molestation of a child under 14. Pretty serious because of her age. If they had been peers, it wouldn't be so serious.

I managed to get his parents number and was able to talk to her last night. She didn't blame my child once. She sobbed and admitted he had been having a lot of trouble and most of it was over at the house this happened at. Her husband wasn't home but she promised to call me in the next day or 2 to discuss what we wanted to do. She told me a bit about her family and how surprised they have been with his actions lately. He doesn't come from a broken home, he is an excellent student, he is career minded, and they feel he will get a football scholarship to attend college. She wasn't telling me these things to prevent me from pressing charges, she said it because she was completely shocked by how quickly his life had changed.

I received a call a couple hours later from the mother, she was still very upset and having a hard time chocking back tears. She put her son on the phone. He was sobbing. He took complete responsibility. He explained he didn't know what he was doing lately and wished he hadn't been drinking that night. He meant what he said. It was moving. I explained to both him and his mother that we would not be pressing charges but would like to meet up with him next week to discuss an appropriate consequence for his actions. We do not want to destroy his life but want this to make an impact on him.

We plan to ask him to earn the money, not his parents, to pay for a therapeutic group that has both victims of sexual abuse and for teenagers showing inappropriate sexual behaviors about this situation and do at least 100 hours of community service with MADD. In our opinion, it is much better than him spending the next 25 years in prison. We feel he will have the opportunity to learn from this experience. None of us are concerned he is any risk to become a child molester or rapist. He was a kid and made a stupid choice when he was drunk. I am sure he will walk away with a much better understanding of what is acceptable behavior.


Abby said...


Ashley said...

Oh if you needed anything else! Thinking of you

Robyn said...

you are so strong and respectful in how you deal with everyone, the parents and that boy are lucky, as are all your children. how is your daughter dealing with it? hopefully everything works out the best way possible for everyone involved

Kelly said...

Wow. You never cease to amaze me. You are wise beyond your years. WOW. I learn so much from you!

Anonymous said...

Maybe, just maybe, your underage child shouldn't be spending "alone" time with an older boy...??? Rather than focusing all of the attention and accountability on the young man and his family, maybe you should be an actual mother to your daughter and not allow her to be alone with older children of the opposite sex (especially since you claim they have all been sexually abused repeatedly)...