Monday, February 08, 2010

Here I go Again

Perhaps I haven't been clear about the recent events surrounding my daughter. It's easy to jump to conclusions about a blogger's life when they fail to fill in all the blanks. It is the only reason I can think of that someone would go into Anonymous mode and leave the following comments. The first is about the phone calls.

Maybe you should take the time to monitor who your child is talking to and at what times. Seems like a parenting issue that you are skirting. Your child is a child. In one instance, she is an innocent another, you are forcing her to be responsible. Make up your mind. Clearly, she doesn't trust you...but you will blame that on her being a teenager... Seems like you should take a long, hard look in the mirror...

I'm positive you don't know me or you would know that we actually power down the downstairs at night. She had to sneak down hit the breaker. Tip toe back up the room the phone is connected to the cable modem and turn on 1 fart strip, wait for it to turn all the on and that takes more than 60 seconds. Turn on the other fart strip and wait for the phone to start back up. Both my DH and I have cells in our room for emergencies. If you would like to suggest we aren't already doing our part, I beg you to tell me what else I can do? The only time the phone has the chance to charge is during the day when she is at school.

If there is one thing about me you could say I am not, it is a parent that skirts my responsibility. Isn't it a parent's job to teach their child some responsibility? She is 13 and her only responsibilities are to do her homework, a simple chore, and work hard in therapy. SHe does not do any caretaking of ANY of her siblings b/c of her history. We have pretty strict rules in our home about and I make sure to follow through.

The other comment on was about recent boy events-

Maybe, just maybe, your underage child shouldn't be spending "alone" time with an older boy...??? Rather than focusing all of the attention and accountability on the young man and his family, maybe you should be an actual mother to your daughter and not allow her to be alone with older children of the opposite sex (especially since you claim they have all been sexually abused repeatedly)...

I couldn't agree with you more on the time alone with a boy. Considering her past and her age, I do not allow it. We have this year began to let her spend the night at her best friend's house. Her mother is a teacher of another of my children. We'd met and we had a very long talk about what we felt was important and safe for my child, in her care. We have an understanding and I fully trust this woman with my child. After some time of regular visits over there, she was invited to spend the night at this same child's father's home. After a conversation with him about my expectations, I was assured everything would be fine there, as well. I extended my trust considering she was not aware of any issues up there.

Your last comment about "my claim they have been sexually abused" is not a claim but a statement of fact. The children not only have the emotional scars but also a jury of 12 agreed it was true and extensive. Because of their history of sexual abuse, we are very careful about who they are with and how they spend their time with friends. This child is 13 and has only spent the night at 2 friends homes, that started this year. This child has had a boyfriend for 3 months (he is a year younger than she is due to spending 2 yrs in K) and all time together is supervised. His parents and I agree strongly about this have had several conversations. None of us feel our children are ready to be making out or making babies.

Now with as many of the details I can think of, if you have any more concerns regarding my parenting please feel free to give me your advice. If you can think of any other ways for me to stay a step ahead of and prevent my very intelligent and some times manipulative child from participating in any dangerous activities, I am all ears. I am a fully engaged parent. I make mistakes, like any parent but I do not make the same mistake twice. I do not feel there is anything more I could have done in either of these situations to protect her any more. The only thing I could have done differently is spent the night with her at her friend's house and slept with the phone under my pillow. A good parent let's their child experience the world a little at time and with great caution for their safety. I am cautious. Her therapist even agreed it was time to let her start getting away from the house supervised and that's what all the parents agreed it was supposed to be.

I had turned off the Anonymous setting for you Mary Anne. Since you still can't figure it out, LOL, I'm putting it back on. I hope that the person leaving these messages will step up and post who you are. I won't publicly name you or post your blog on here, let me read your blog and see what your family is like. If I had to guess, I would say you had a perfectly normal life. Both parents, no DFCS involvement, and you either do not have children or you were lucky enough to have raised children that haven't been traumatized. Prove me wrong.


FosterAbba said...

No matter how good of a parent you are, no matter how closely you supervise, kids will always find ways around parental controls.

This wasn't your fault.

T and M said...

hmm... By chance have you considered calling your phone company and having them forward all calls in to your cell and blocking all outbound calls every night? You may have to call and set it every night and morning, but it may be worth it depending on your phone bill.
Also, there's the wonderful wake up call we get when our little one gets out of bed in the middle of the night... buy a chime/alarm (we got ours from the tool section in wal*mart) and set it on the inside of the door to the room she would have to go in to get on the phone. Or chime/alarm the outside of her bedroom door when you go to bed. Or put a REALLY LOUD SIREN on the inside of the breaker box *or if you can, install a keyed lock and lock the breaker door closed.

Just thoughts.

Kate said...

Interesting. Let me just say that I WISH I had a parent like you when I was pulling all of these things!

Really now, what teenager IS completely honest and tells their parents everything? Traumatic past or not.

J. said...

kids always tesrt out the limits it is part of being a kid.
It has nothing to do with how you parent the test of your skills is in how you deal withthe beahviour and I think (if it matters) that you handled really well, perhaps better than most most.
I really dislike anon. commenters who say stuff like that.

grams--gg said...

Nikki You are doing great with your children. Like you said this person does not know you and shouold keep her remarks to herself. She must be shamed of her remarks not to sign her name. Keep up what you have to do to maintain your family
Love you

SanitySrchr said...

This is outrageous!! Obviously these anonymous readers are out in left field and haven't really followed your blog for any period of time. With that said, parenting is hard, hard, hard. Children do not pop right out with a step-by-step instruction manual. They are by far not perfect (and neither are/were the parents). Tramatized children, yeah, much, much, much more difficult.

Tudu, you've done an amazing job in the face of all the challenges and trauma your children have been through. I actually come to you for advise on handling some of the situations in our home.

MyLinda said...

You GO Mama!! I think you are doing a fabulous job of parenting the very damaged children that you were handed!

Julia Wittenhagen said...

The only other thing I can think of is some cell phone companies allow parents to choose times their child can be on the phone. You can block the phone from sending or receiving calls during certain hours (bedtime hours). You might want to look into that. Maybe it will help.

I think you are a GREAT parent, doing a wonderful job.

Good luck!

Corinn said...

What Julia said.

Other than that, the most vigilant parent in the WORLD can't keep their kids from doing stupid things once in a while. There's no way anyone could predict everything they'll do.

robyncalgary said...

i didnt realize you power down the whole downstairs at nite but thats a great idea! i definately think some sort of alarm on the doors? for some reason i thought you already had something like that from when the children first came but maybe im wrong.

and im glad that you disabled the anonymous feature, even though it still doesnt prevent rude people from attacking your parenting. i dont understand how anyone would not see that you do your absolute best and most for these children and deserve nothing but respect and cheering on! rah rah YAAAAY tudu! <3

Vicki & Jim said...

I have gotton messages on my Blog like that. Its easy to tell someone else how to run their life when we dont live it.
I turned my comments to be monitored, I dont need the hassel :) Your doing a great job, dont let anyone make you question your self.