Still Hard to Hear

I keep running some of the things the AT said yesterday in the IEP. When she was describing Patches she said on a scale of 1-10, she is an 8.5 -9. The abuse they suffered was the worst they have ever heard of or treated. Their struggle will be life long. They would surely have been institutionalized without us.

I agree with what she said. I have said most of it myself. Somehow, it seemed more real hearing her tell a room full of professionals. I am a little sad today.

Jess

I spoke with Emma's Mother and she relayed some really good news about Jessica. Jessica is doing really well. She is building confidence in her decision as her family comes to terms with it. She hasn't been honest with them but is trying to get to that point. She told her BF she was going to voluntarily give up her rights, just didn't say that she had already signed them away. Her family has stopped trying to talk her into fighting and have moved to ignoring it. She said her biggest fear was everyone thinking she was a bad mom and that she gave up on her child. Since that has passed, she is moving forward. She seemed really calm and logical. It was that she needed to let it sink in that all chances of raising her were gone. She didn't expect to get her back after all that has happened and we've talked about. She assured Nikki that she knows we are going to be the best parents for her and she trusts us completely.

Worship Me, People!

I went to Patches' IEP meeting this morning completely freaked out. I went alone b/c my DH backed out last night and the AT had to do it as a conference call. Have I mentioned I have social anxiety? I have a very difficult time walking into a room full of people, new people, and new places are overwhelming. I had to deal with all 3. I took deep breaths and tried not to look like an idiot. Most people can't tell my heart is about to come out of my chest, I can't take a deep breath, or that I am trying to keep my emotions under control. I am getting pretty good at hiding it. Anyway, I managed to get to my seat and force myself to participate within minutes.

They discussed Patches new psychological evaluation and her AT joined in briefly to lay it all out for them. They sat their with their mouths open until she was done. I answered questions about her and her triggers. The Director of the program I wanted her in came in halfway through. She read over the notes and proclaimed that she strongly felt this was where she needed to be. The old school folks went on and on about how she didn't act out THAT much at school. They felt she could be managed in an EBD class. I strongly disagreed b/c they still transition into regular ed for lunch and connections. It is the transitions that are part of the problem. I guess I had a compelling argument b/c they went against policy and put her in the program. That's right, folks, they went against all their little rules to do what is best for my child.

This was the best possible situation for her. She will have a parapro with her at all times. This person will be trained to read Patches' emotional state and how to react. She will be allowed to stay in her room to eat, if she can't handle the transition. She will be working on her social skills. They have a counsellor and a social worker available to her at all times. She will switch classes but will be with all the same 6 kids and her parapro.

Feel free to worship me and my mad skills that help my kids get what they need.

Strange but True

I think I Twitttered about this but never actually posted about our recent trip to the ER. Patches had a lovely fit and banged her head repeatedly against the house. It took a minute to realize it was her and her head. She stopped. I waited until she was herself again to look at her bleeding head. It had a lump and it was bedtime. I didn't think she should go to bed w/o checking it out first so off we went.

I had to tell them MANY times to call her by Patches b/c we changed it to her middle name and they insist on calling her by her legal first name. Not a big deal if your child is a rational thinker. Patches thinks they do it piss her off and it can set her off. Not always but sometimes. We were already on a slippery slope and I didn't want to have to hold her in public, again.

We got into a room and they told us it was a 3 hour and 45 min wait. WOW. The nurse asked Patches to tell her about the pain after she found out how it happened. Patched said, "hurt". OK, how bad and then pulled out the lovely chart meant to help her decide. Patches can not read emotions. She thinks everything with a frown (on the chart) means they are sad. How sad? She can't tell. It is all the same. I tried to explain this so she asked her to tell her on a scale of 1-10. This didn't make sense either. Cyr was shocked. She knows Patches and still couldn't believe the child truly was confused. I asked to help and the woman gave me a look. I know she was thinking I was too involved with this 11 yr old (size of a 17 yr old). She fully expected Patches to interact with her. A normal expectation if the child doesn't think your only goal is to get her into a mental hospital or into foster care. It took us 10 minutes to discover it barely hurt. That poor woman would have given her Morphine based on how she was acting. LOL

You knew there would be drama

but you'll have to wait for the details b/c they are still unfolding.

OK, I'm back to give you an idea. Jess called me and told me she is feeling pressure from her mother and father to change her mind. They want to get a lawyer for her and fight me. That is fine with me, if that is what she wants. It isn't. She wants them to stop and just support her. She hasn't been honest with them about it being voluntary and now she is feeling the pressure. I offered to talk with them, b/c they are calling me and screaming. She agreed and asked me not to tell the truth.

I spoke with her mother, Connie and she tried to be polite for 3 second and then let it rip. I told her I appreciate she is so upset and has a lot of passion for her child and grandchild. I asked her to sit back and listen to her daughter. If she asked her to do something for her, like get a lawyer, then do it. By all means, help her daughter. If she is just crying and saying things like she wishes this wasn't happening or she wants her daughter in her life then be there for her. I reminded her that children do not tell their parents everything. They do not always want them to fix it. They need to vent and someone to listen. I explained that my loyalty is to Jess and I will not take her daughter away from her. She will have as much time with her that she currently has. Jess has not changed over the last 8 months and is continuing to use drugs.

This didn't go over well, as you can imagine. She ended up questioning my ability to parent all these kids. She yelled that day care can't even have this many. I assured her that regardless of how angry she is at me, as long as she doesn't threaten harm to me, I will not hold this against her. I reminded her, if something doesn't add up that you can be sure you don't have all the information.

Jess's Stepmother took this much better. We had a similar conversation and she was open to helping Jess through this and not assuming she wants help unless she asks for it. I see a lovely relationship with her in our future.

I updated Jess on these conversations and she reiterated she hoped they backed off. SHe is terrified they will keep pressuring her and will find out the truth. I wish she was able to be honest with them. She also asked me if she was giving up on her daughter. I explained that was not how I saw it. I think she is assuring her safety and a healthy relationship with her. She seems hurt but coping with her decision. I am careful to encourage her to change her mind if she feels it is best for her and her child. I remind her of her rights. It is such a fine line to walk but I do not want to regret this later thinking I pushed her.

A Safe Pserson

I see that the tiny part I left off made some of you concerned it wasn't legal. I appreciate your concern. Yes, someone came up there towards the end of our "breakfast" to notarize it and the waitress was the unofficial witness. It caused her to overflow with emotion but she said she was honored to do it.

I met the Father at a bank and they did it.

One thing that hadn't really occurred to me, Emma's Mother has had a difficult time with this. She is supportive of this, for the best interest of the baby. It has brought up a lot of her feelings and has cried a lot. She is on my Facebook and has publicly announced it was time to write letters to the 2 daughters she placed for adoption.

Completely off topic, yesterday the kids were talking about sleeping in the tent and Michael wanted to very badly. I was trying how we could do it safely and spoke out loud what I was thinking. I said, "Well, maybe if we put you next to a safe person. " (in our home a safe person is one that has never touch another child or allowed another child to touch them. We have that we, as a family, consider safe. Emma, Ava, Patches. Ruthie is someone we trust but can't put her in that position. Ava isn't someone we trust with the responsibility of another child but is still considered safe.) He knew what I was talking about and got excited, he said, "Cyr, I can sleep next to you." I looked at him weird and Cyr jumped up and said, "I'm not a safe person, yet!" I was so surprised by what they were saying that it took me a second to stop them and make them think about it. Michael felt Cyr was safe. For a moment, he forgot what she had done. He honestly felt she would keep him safe and others safe from him. Cyr knew she shouldn't be put in that position and made sure she wasn't. My heart swelled. My children were forgiving and holding strong on appropriate boundaries. No one slept outside but I was so happy we had that conversation.

10 Days

I left at 6:30 this morning and traveled across the state to see Kiera's Mother and Father. Her father knew why we were meeting but her mother did not. I felt like a turd not being upfront with her. I was too afraid she would begin to avoid me and it would never happen. I arrived to her home and we went to an adorable little restaurant. We ordered and the conversation began. It wasn't pretty. I cried, she cried, shoot, the waitress cried. It was hard to look at her and tell her I wanted to remove her rights. I was gentle and reassured her I wasn't cutting her out completely. Things will stay the same as far as visitation. Her role will legally change but she will always be Kiera's mother. I explained all the paperwork and begged for her input. I wanted her to speak, say anything. She didn't. She sobbed and pulled out a pen. She quietly asked where to sign and took a deep breath. It was done.

She told me as I dropped her off that she knew this was best for Kiera. We briefly talked about her name and I promised to only add an additional middle name, Rose, after my Godmother. I told her how inspirational she had been to me and that it was important to me. She agreed. I told her I understood if she felt she couldn't tell her family and I would keep private any of the details of our relationship. About 20 minutes after I dropped her off, I received a text from her. "I told my family that the judge that gave you LG terminated my rights. Please don't tell them anything else." About an hour later, I received a screaming call from her mother, she doesn't understand how we could have done this to her daughter. All I plan on saying to them is that the details of our situation are legal and between her and I. Hopefully, that will cut them off. I am more than willing to be the bad guy.

Just got the call, trial is officially postponed until at least October. They have a murder trial scheduled the same week so she isn't sure which will go.

Now, I am off to wait 10 days to see if either parent changes their mind about the adoption.

Visitors

My nieces are are coming for 3 days. Abs and Brooklyn. I am so excited. That would normally give us 13 kids but we will also have Emma's sisters. Kalee and Gracie. SO that makes 15 kids!!!!!!

If 17 in the house wasn't enough, Michael has a new friend. This one is a woman with long dark hair and weird blue eyes. He is up to 3 people that he is regularly seeing. I asked him if they have a name and he said he is too afraid to ask them. He told Patches that if she would stand with him the next time he sees them, he will ask them who they are.

Open Adoption

Linda wanted to know if we had a plan in place for our child if they do not want to visit with their biological family anymore.

I'll tell you about the 3 different open adoptions we have. I'll go in order of adoption.

We adopted Emma in the first year of her life. She moved in with us at 3 weeks old and never left. We had known her Mother before her pregnancy b/c she is the cousin of my then best friend of 15+ years. We have since stopped communicating b/c her views of adoption and mine are very different and she has Bi Polar that she refuses to stay on meds for. Her and her DH also threw the party that my DH misbehaved at. Back to the story before I get on a tangent, we are in a very open independent adoption. Emma's Mother is Nikki, she has actually stayed with us for many weeks and even months at different times. In the beginning, she struggled with a meth addiction and bouts of crippling depression. I knew from the start that I didn't want her to go away, I loved her and she loved her daughter. Regardless of her issues, we have managed to build an amazing friendship. SHe is family. The first year was the hardest. We had to find our way. I had never heard of open adoption. We had to figure out our places. I based the Adoption Agreement in the post the other day on our rules with Nikki. It is b/c of those rules that we were able to focus on being a family with her. As she began to recover from her addiction we were able to increase her unsupervised time with our dd. She has been clean for over 2 yrs and Emma spends time with her and her sisters every chance she gets. It has progress to over nights and now a week there this Summer. Emma enjoys a strong relationship with her extended family, as well. It is always supervised by Nikki. We are trying to work through Emma's strong feelings to both households and how to deal with the sadness that is adoption. None of us would change a thing, it is as close to perfect as we can get.

MY sibling group was adopted through the state so it is different. We wanted a family that could all enjoy the benefits of an open relationship. The SW's all agreed this was the family for that. The parents were just MR and loved their kids tremendously. The more we got to know the scarier they got. We cut off visitation, per DFCS, about 6 months after the kids came home. It seemed to be a scare tactic to force them to drop the appeal. We discovered so many things in the following year and a half. When we finalized their adoption we knew we couldn't let the kids see them. They didn't want to. We did develop a warm relationship with their Aunt and Uncle. They spent the night at our home, attended the adoption ceremony, and spent the entire day with us showing the kids they didn't lose their family. It was incredible then and has continued to be a wonderful relationship. The kids have begun, this year, to take turns spending the weekend with them. They supervise a visit to their Gparents during that weekend, too. The kids decide how much contact they have with the extended family. We do not push them to talk to them on the phone and allow them to call as they wish to. It is supervised with the Gparents, somewhat. I fully trust the Aunt and Uncle and most of the time, don't even know when they are done. The kids have mixed feelings about their parents. Most days they are frightened to think of ever seeing them, others they dream of things being normal. I will take them to see them in prison when they become an adult, if they wish. If their mother does plead guilty, I will maintain communication with her privately. I will not reveal where we are for their protection.

Kiera. I am sure her mother sees this coming. We have done a bit of work on the Agreement and it allows us to open or close it as is necessary for Kiera. We hope that one day it will be open and healthy like Emma's. I will not take any chances with Kiera's safety. It took YEARS to develop Emma's and I imagine it will take many with Jess to build trust. I feel having it in writing this time will make it so much easier for all of us. Hopefully, we will be able to make it work.

The point is, all of our adoptions are as open as the situation allows. Each child is in control of how open their personal relationships are. We vote before we extend any invitation. If any child is against the particular family member coming, we don't invite. For all visits outside our home, they always have the option to do something fun w/o us. There is no pressure in either direction. My son and Cyr refuse to talk on the phone to their Gparents. It is never a problem. They are not expected to give an excuse. I tell the family member that child is not available.

Anymore questions?

Some of the Evaluations

I haven't read of of the evaluation yet. I read Patches, Michael, and Ruthie's. In that order. I will highlight some of the interesting points on them. My thoughts will be in parenthesis.

Patches has Schizo-Affective Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Rule out PTSD, only b/c she refused to talk about any thing. Her IQ is 78,. Her eye contact was more intense than what is typical. (boy is it ever, it's weird and uncomfortable) It suggests we utilize an RTC for her due to her increasing instability coupled with limited response to intervention. Do not allow her to interact with children unsupervised. (Duh.) She is unable to read emotions on cards. (or faces) She She claims some really funny things like, she has lots of friends, they all just met her on the first day of school, she only gets along with dogs b/c she is only used to dogs, she doesn't like anyone, when asked why she lives with us she said "I been here a long time", and there is nothing good about us but couldn't recall any negative details. Her GAC score is 62

Michael has PTSD, RAD. His IQ is a 79 (he wants to be a shark or a robot when he grows up, sounds reasonable). It suggests we try AT. (Oh good, so the last 2 yrs we were on the right track.) He made some interesting points like, when asked why he likes living here he said "they give you food and water" and when asked if he likes his teacher and has friends he said "it's not fun to do the CRCT" (way to stay on the topic, kiddo). His GAC score is 65.

Ruthie has Anxiety Disorder NOS and Mild Mental Retardation. Her IQ is 62. Is says she should reach the level of a 6th grader as an adult and be able to achieve some independence (we are talking freedom, folks. She will not live in my basement with her babies even though she tells me this all the time). She has a hard time telling reality from fantasy. She made some comments about her dissociation episodes need to be checked by a doctor to rule out organic causes before we come to any conclusions. Ruthie claims to have one friend (same girl she made up the story about claiming she was a victim of this poor girl), claims other children are mean to her and laugh at her and she has no idea why ( she really doesn't know why and laughs, too), she says she doesn't tell the teachers b/c she is afraid (if you are confused, you are not alone), when asked why she was adopted she said, "it's inappropriate" (what is? the Dr didn't know either, LOL), she was asked about her forgetfulness and she said, "I forgot", she has an imaginary friend that wears pink and purple, has brown skin with green eyes, and is nice to her, and she is afraid to play outside (this child LIVES outside). Her GAC score is 75. (Woo Hoo)

I am exhausted for them. They are so darn cute but so lost in a conversation. They all have learned to mimic what your face does so you don't know they have no idea what the heck is going on. That's why Ruthie laughs when they make fun of her. Michael and Patches can not figure out what how you feel. I can tell them over and over I am not upset and they still freak out on me. It must be so hard to be them.

I think it is a double edged sword that they can hide their disabilities so well at times. First, they can fit in for brief periods and people don't assume they are stupid. What makes it difficult is that people expect them to understand what they are talking about. They are shocked when they see the other side of them after meeting them a few times. They get really frustrated with them when they don't respond the correct way. It can seem I am mean to them when I won't let them do things or talk to certain people. I separate them from others when they are struggling to maintain themselves. It would be so much easier if their disability was obvious and it wasn't so scary. I wish the public was more informed and supportive. I wish I wasn't so defensive when people try to "help". I am working on that for their sake.

Open Adoption Aggreement

I would appreciate any and all thoughts on this. While it is not legally binding in our state, we intend to live up to it. I will be sitting down with Jess this Sunday, she has no idea I will have papers or plan to request adopting Kiera. I am scared to death. It's not even that she will say, No. It's that I am worried about her feelings and reaction. If she refuses, we will fight. She is not safe. We have multiple credible witnesses that have offered to testify to her continued neglect and endangerment of her other daughter on unsupervised visits. We have the support of our therapist and her pediatrician. It is detrimental to her emotional and physical health that she remain with us. She is not able to parent these girls. I do feel we can have an open relationship like I suggest in this agreement. All visits will be supervised.

Open Adoption Agreement

We, me and him, as the Adoptive Parents agree to and encourage continued contact after finalization of the adoption of Kiera between her Mother known as Jess, her Father known as Lee, any siblings, and any appropriate extended family. We feel biological family is extremely important to the emotional and mental health of a child. The goal of the Adoptive Parents is to increase/decrease the openness of the relationship based on the appropriateness of the Mother and/or Father. Each relationship will be considered separately.

We will not consider the private life and activities of the Mother and/or Father unless it directly affects the child, Adoptive Parents, or the child’s Adoptive Siblings.

We agree to make our phone number, email, and address available to her Mother and Father so long as they are appropriate and it is safe to do so.

We agree to be responsible for a minimum of 3 trips per year to the (medium size town) area for the child to spend supervised time with her biological Mother and/or Father, siblings, and any appropriate extended family.

We consent to the visit being held in their home, family’s home, or in a public venue, as long as it is appropriate for the child. There shall be no drugs or alcohol consumed prior to visit or during visit or the visit will be terminated at the discretion of the Adoptive Parents.

We agree to allow extended biological family and/or friends that meet the following criteria to join the Mother and/or Father on a scheduled visit: must not be a registered sex offender, must not have any recent history of violence or criminal activity (5 years), must not be suspected of being intoxicated, must not be a convicted felon with a history of any domestic violence, weapons charges, drug charges, or child abuse charges. Anyone attending will need to have prior consent from Adoptive Parents.

We will make child available to Mother and Father as close to child’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter as possible.

Mother and Father are welcome to visit the child in her home with proper notice given with day, time, and participants agreed upon by all parties. The stipulations above regarding visits apply here, as well. The Adoptive Parents will supervise the visit unless other arrangements are made that are agreeable between all parties. This will be revoked if Mother and/or Father is inappropriate in any way while in the home or on the property.

Adoptive Parents agree to make available pictures through email or texts monthly.

Mother and Father are invited to call the child any time that would be considered appropriate. During day time hours, before child is in bed. Conversation must not put any undue pressure on child and may be discontinued if it is in the best interest of the child. Calls may be monitored if it is deemed necessary by Adoptive Parents.

Mother and Father are encouraged to join Adoptive Parents and their extended family on special occasions, outings, or holidays with prior arrangements. The stipulations above regarding visits apply here, as well. This will be revoked if the Mother and/or Father is inappropriate in any way.

Just a Tease

I got the psychological evaluations in the mail today. There are a few mistakes but LOTS of great insight to what the heck is going on. I have so much reading to do, they are 16-20 pages for each kid. Until tomorrow......

Do You Know This Man?

Once Lost is trying to find her long lost friend.

Her Mother has been released. Only charge is Schedule 3 Narcotic, it is a felony.

More Crap From the County

Basically, the never reported that Patches had any issues so they won't put her in the psycho-educational program. I went to the new Principal and she encouraged me to go above her to the Head of Special Education. He is a foster parent and understands my passion for her due to all that she has lost. He is still gathering information and trying to build a case for her to attend. I have forwarded our letters and am waiting to sign permission slip to speak to our AT. He laughed that I was like a dog with a bone and he feared I wouldn't stop until I had his job. I was silent for a moment and softly stated that I was glad we were on the same page. I think he is now afraid of me. LOL Whatever gives him the motivation to do what is right by my child is fine with me.

I spoke with both Kiera's Gma and legal Father today. I asked Lee (the father) to sign over his rights so we can adopt her. He was thrilled to do so. I also told him I had spoken to his mother. He has been clean for 2 years and loves his daughter. He has always made it clear he wanted her. His mother refuses to accept he has gotten his life together and has been in college for over a year. He has been in the same place with the same woman for the last 2 years, as well. He has been ready to take on that responsibility all along. He is willing to continue contact between Kiera and Lexi. He seems like a nice guy and deserves a chance to raise her. He does not feel he is Kiera's Father and even if he was, he wants her with the only family she has known. Lexi lived with him the first year of her life and has had visits with her over the last 2 yrs. He loves her.

I am on a roll, huh?

Maybe I should say Rosa is. She went to VA Beach this weekend to encourage a relationship with her children's Gma. They haven't had one up until this point b/c their Father insisted she was insane. She isn't. She has an anxiety disorder and she has been on meds for many years. She has learned to cope and they had a lovely time getting to know each other.

Things were great until Rosa decided to drive home in the late afternoon so the kids could sleep. Sounds good, right? No, she didn't nap and we are many hours from there so she drove ALL night. That still wouldn't be too bad except her glasses broke and she can't read the signs. She missed her exit in a VERY large city and passed us ending up in FL. She called frantic and turned around. Then she passed the VERY large city and ended up in TN. Angry she turned around and only mentioned her mistake to my DH. Feeling stupid she trotted on and, you guessed it, missed it again ending up an hour from FL. At this point, she is frantic and desperate for sleep. She is completely lost and has no idea which way is home. I managed to find her a local motel room and she is currently napping with the kids watching cartoons. She will take them to the pool in a few hours and then attempt to try it again.

I wish I could say I was surprised. Rosa is known for her lack of direction and getting lost. LOL

I have really good news about the trial. I have stopped posting over at the private blog for now and still haven't added all the people to it that asked. If you have asked you will be invited, when I get 3 minutes to get to it. LOL

Back to my announcement. That's what it is. An Announcement. It deserves to be screamed from the roof tops. Their Mother is committed to a plea bargain. She is pleading guilty to all the charges and they are currently in negotiation about how long she will serve. She told her family that she will take what they give her. She is doing this for them. She is also divorcing her husband. She stood up at one point during the visit and yelled she was done with him and for him to leave her alone. They have visits at the same county jail. They use video monitors and the visitors are all in one room and can see multiple monitors. They can hear what the other inmates are saying b/c of this. She heard him begging for her to forgive him and to keep waiting b/c it will all be dropped. She stood up for herself for the very first time. It was shocking for her family to see. She hasn't gone into details with her family about what she is guilty of but has said that the kids are telling the truth.

I am elated! The kids will still testify. I forwarded the information I received here from you all and we hope that some of the children will be able to testify by video. It is still up in the air. We are fairly sure the trial will be postponed until next trial week, about 3 months. Nothing we can do. It is b/c she is planning to testify. I can wait.

I had a heated discussion with the school about Patches. I am waiting for a return call from the head of Special Education at the county office. I am threatening them at this point and have every intention to attack if they don't come up with a solution. They say they have to wait b/c of what they did at the last IEP. They say this upcoming IEP isn't going to deal with this situation. I have no problem biting of heads and chewing them up for supper, if need be.

Kiera's Mother is still in jail. She threatened to kill herself and has been in isolation. Her probation was paid off and some of the charges dropped. They have paid her bail.

I spoke with the Gma that has the other sister for the first time. She had no idea what was going on. I hate to do this. I do not wish to fight her but I will for the sake of Kiera. Her mother has had over 8 months to change ANYTHING. She has not. SHe will always be welcome to see her here.

Michael, Rosa, and Kiera's Mother

Michael is sleeping on my bedroom floor now. He is too scared to sleep in his room or to be alone. Going to the bathroom is almost too much for him to handle. We increased his anti-anxiety meds from PRN to every 4 hours. It seems to be helping a little. He came in awhile ago and told me he was collecting fireflies and needs a jar, it was 4PM and I am confident they aren't out lighting up until dusk. Is this something I correct him about? DO I play along? I am just out of my element with this. Anyway, the meds make him a bit slower so he nearly drowned at the pool today b/c he got tired after he dove into the middle of the deep end. Good thing I was out there already b/c he went under and couldn't keep his head up. Poor little dude, he was embarrassed and acted like he was done swimming for the day. I didn't burst his bubble.

I rarely talk about Rosa anymore. Many things her children do she takes personally. She doesn't want people to know about. I try to respect her privacy and theirs. I can say she is working hard on their issues and has no plans to leave here when school starts. I am fine with that. We lost so much time with her that as far as I am concerned she can stay as long as she needs. I always have room for more. (This also applies to you, you know who you are.) Rosa is still planning on attending the police academy next month. She is a little irritated with her self that she has taken 8 months to get it going. As I told her, she needed the time to be with her kids and recover from a traumatic relationship. She is healing and learning to control her anger towards him fr the good of her kids. I am proud of her.

Kiera's mother may be out on bond today. I am still mad and plan on having a serious discussion about the future of Kiera. I will not allow her to drag this out w/o making ANY changes in her lifestyle. I am not a lifetime babysitter. She is welcome to have a very open adoption with us, like Emma and her Mother. Kiera can't live with so much uncertainty, she needs permanency.

Not much else going on. Patches' IEP is Thursday and I am a wreck about that. I actually feel sorry for them. Between Miss C and this rabid Mama, they don't stand a chance. LOL Don't even think about messing with my babies.

A New Friend?

I accidentally met an adoptive mother on Craiglist. She adopted a sibling group of 7 and has just moved to my town from NY. We have only briefly chatted by email but now that she is here she wants our families to get together. I am so excited b/c her kids are kinda crazy, too. Can you imagine the damage we will do to a park? My 11 and her 7. LOL Look out neighbors, here we come.

Kerry, we could be the 3 musketeers. LOL

Ava

Ava has held herself together long enough that I began to trust her again. It happened a little at a time but it happened. I let her go spend the night with my MIL. One night, what harm could she do, right? She stole and "lost" her Great Aunt"s ring. It was one she got from her belated DH. There was a witness so we knew she did it and she still tried to tell us she didn't know what we were talking about. I am so disappointed. Another child admitted to seeing her sneaking food this morning into the bathroom. I wouldn't be nearly as upset if she actually ate the food. She took a bite and threw it away.

Her issues have been on the back burner while we focus more on the kids with the immediate danger of hurting someone. Maybe not the best choice but the necessary one. Now that the others are better we can get back to business with her.

A Visit to the County Jail

I received a call this morning that Kiera's mother, her BF, and her sister were pulled over last night. They arrested her for possession of pot, narcotics, paraphernalia, and for warrants. Her BF was driving under the influence of alcohol. The little girl was taken to her mother's father, a convicted child abuser. She had on a skirt and no panties, this was 11PM. She is being held w/o bond on a probation hold.

I have no idea what will happen now. I am livid. I know Kiera's sister is perfectly happy living with her paternal Gma. She visits her father occasionally but her mother still has custody of her. Her father doesn't want custody either. I think we will use this time to discuss Kiera's future with her mother. We want to pursue adoption. Her mother is in no way capable raising her children in this condition. She has no plans to change. I would love for her to remain in her child's life but she needs permanency.

I'm in Hell

We came 2.5 hours to see Kiera's Mother at a video arcade kind of place. As I tried to explain to her, this was not age appropriate for either child. Her boyfriend seems to have social anxiety and can't handle going into places with people. He sat in the hot car.

I suggested we go look for a McDonald's to let them play. Here we are sitting at Burger King. The 2 girls are screaming and playing. She accidentally scared the devil out of Kiera at one point. It was funny.

I got a speeding ticket today. The first in over a decade. It is going to cost a pretty penny, too. I was driving my MIL's car and had the directions in my hand. They were covering the speedometer and I didn't notice how fast I was on a country highway road. 77 in a 55. Kiera kept yelling at the officer she was hungry. He laughed and said he'd hurry up.

Kiera has a Visit

I am taking her today to some big kids play place. I worry she won't have fun b/c most of it is for much older kids. I know she will start with the nightmares again. We have had a few good nights recently and these visits bring them on. I will be there to supervise. I want her to see her Mother and sister but I wish it could be more on the baby's terms. Like visit here or do something she will enjoy.

Schizophrenia as We Know It

I'm reading a blog that a reader here sent me a link to. It is the father of a 6 yr old girl with severe Schizophrenia. I have found great comfort reading his story. Their little girl has been hospitalized for a very long time and their struggles with insurance and finding a safe solution for their family is horrifying. He is a wonderful writer that talks about his own flaws and the many mistakes he has made along the way. He is very good at explaining what his family is going through. I have spent a good deal of time crying for his child and mine in the last 2 days. They all have such a hard life in front of them.

I have learned more about the illness through his blog than I had from our many professionals. I had held out a tiny bit of me hoping that my children were not Schizophrenic. I had hoped they would heal. Perhaps they were lying for attention. I was in denial. There is no doubt in my mind that both Michael and Patches have it.

It is different for everyone afflicted with this horrible illness. Patches has more of the other symptoms and her visual and auditory hallucinations are minimized with her meds. What I thought was her social anxiety really is that she thinks everyone is talking about her. She truly thinks that when people are laughing at her EVERY time she hears a giggle in public. Both kids have a thought disorder, actually Ruthie has many of the symptoms including this one. These children can not tell you a simple thought. It comes out all mixed up and jacked around. You have to commit to listening for a long time to figure out what they are trying to say.

Their rages are for no reason. Their reactions are inappropriate for the situation. They are triggered by nothing that I can find, most of the time. They are unpredictable. They are irrational. I talk calmly until they come back to me. The video I have shown of Patches is well into it when I am certain she is coming back to me. I haven't been able to get a decent one of Michael b/c he is so violent that I have to hold him until he calms. Ruthie is the same. Hers are not as frequent since her meds but she goes the farthest away with her fits. She is not there. I can't explain it any better than that. She becomes someone else. All three have psychotic episodes that they can not control. I can not get through to them during these. I can not rationalize with them.

They have no interest in developing friendships. They will on occasion play with others but not in an interactive way. It is a little different at home. They feel understood, accepted here and will make some effort to join in. Until they lose control and then all bets are off.

Personal hygiene is foreign to them. I try to engage them in age appropriate things like washing themselves, using toilet tissue, brushing their hair and teeth but they seem to care only in waves. When they are having a difficult time, these are the first things to go. Patches begins to wet herself day and night. She smells like she has rolled in doo doo. Her hair is not brushed and her teeth and breath are nasty after I repeatedly ask. Michael and Ruthie are a little better at this but it is an ongoing issue. As their meds and behavior improves, so does this area. I do not feel it is to upset me as it once seemed. I feel it is just truly out of their capability to care.

I received the results for Patches brain scan a few weeks ago. It proves she has damage that she was born with. She is chemically not functioning. Her brain is also functioning very slow like it is asleep. We have to speak to the specialist to fully understand what is happening but the short version is that Patches brain shows she has issues that are causing psychotic episodes. We can do some repairs to her brain but it will never function properly. She will be forced to remain on medication to control her outbursts and hallucinations.

The New School

I seem to have forgotten to mention the walk through I did with Cyr and Patches earlier in the week. We were allowed to walk through their brand spanking new school. We do not know the teachers or their rooms yet. It is really nice and so big that Cyr is terrified she will be lost. Patches had to hold my hand the entire time. When an someone would approach us she would swirl behind me, never letting go of me. When they would come up behind us she just knew they were laughing about her. She became frustrated and very paranoid.

We found the psycho-educational school that we hope Patches will be attending. It is a school inside the school, if that makes sense. I ran into the Director and asked a few questions for Patches about the program. She was very helpful. She knew exactly who we were. She shared that my recent email to the Principal of the regular school had forwarded it to her. She strongly feels Patches will qualify and fit right in. She plans on attending the IEP meeting and advocating for her to be enrolled. Yeah!!

I went to see Michael last night and he was acting like a toddler. I am sure it is his way of coping and it gets him lots of attention from the other kids. He is surrounded by two 16 yr old girls and two boys that are 15 and 17. The think he is the cutest thing ever. He hasn't seen a thing since he has been there. He sat in our laps the entire 2 hour visit. He did say he was ready to come home.

5 Generations

I also found out today when talking to the kids' paternal Gma that her brother had been raped by their father. Her brother raped her. Her Ex-husband raped his daughters and had his son (their father) rape his daughters. His son violated my children. My children have violated each other and my Gson. I felt sick to my stomach.

I spoke briefly to Aunt M and she received a letter written by another inmate for my kids' Mother. It wasn't clear but what she gathered is that the mother is going to plead guilty and serve an eternity in jail. She didn't want her family to forget her and she was asking for support to handle the any years in jail she was bound to serve. I was told by the victim's advocate on Monday that the trial may be postponed due to a new witness issue. She said it was good news and don't be upset b/c it will help the case. Could it be true? Please pray if that's your thing or send some good thoughts this way. They will still have to testify but they will only face the evil behind the deed, their father. They all feel she was a victim, too, just in a different way.

Michael is Gone

I have tried to write this post a few times today. It began with Michael telling me a scary story. It moved to making arrangements to hospitalize him. I am finally home and he has been admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

He asked me to take him to the hospital b/c he is afraid "the man" is going to kill me. Last night, "the man" came to him last night in his room. Michael became scared. "The man"disappeared and Michael ran to my room. He saw "the man" standing on my bed with a gun. "The man" told him if he woke me up that he would have to kill me. He ran back to his room and couldn't sleep the rest of the night. He was visibly shaking when he told me this story this morning. He asked for his green pill b/c he was so upset. It is his anti anxiety med and takes about 15-20 minutes for it work.

Later he told me that he was worried "the man" would kill me or everyone and he would be in trouble for it. He thinks "the man" can read his mind and tell him what to do. He doesn't know how to stop him. He has been so afraid that he would have to go to the hospital like Patches did and when he asked me if he could go I was floored. I knew I had to take him seriously.

We spent hours waiting to get him admitted. He is about 10 minutes down the road in a new hospital that is really the same one the kids were in last Fall but it was an outpatient program then. This is a brand new facility and very nice. I wanted to stay myself. It turns out that there aren't many places that can take a child so young. All of the kids there are teens. This is good b/c he is sexually reactive and needs his own room. He has a staff member that is assigned to him. He will have to stay with him at all times. We can go see him every night.

My DH joined me at the hospital and had a hard time holding back tears. It was hard to leave such a tiny child on a locked ward. It was the right thing to do but that doesn't make it easier.

Pick Up That Gun

Michael cam running in to me on Friday afternoon shaking. He has a processing disorder that causes him to struggle to say what he is thinking. It is in his head but can't come out right. It is worse the more agitated he is. It is hard to listen to him tell you anything. His teacher even commented last year that when he approaches her, she finds a chair b/c she knows even the simplest thought can take him several minutes to get out. Anyway, he had a story to tell and he managed to get it right out. "I heard someone tell me to pick up that gun. I saw a gun on the ground and it said to pick it up." I had to stop and think for a second b/c it threw me off when he got it all out. Then it hit me, this is new. The voices have been talking to him for a while but have never told him to do anything, until now.

I expressed my concern with Patches and Cyr's AT. She explained this is a reason to be concerned. Our recent psychiatrist visit didn't increase the anti psychotic even though Michael's AT had suggested since we were at the max on this one to add another to help control his voices and hallucinations. This AT was surprised at her decision. She gave me a couple of options, get a second opinion or have her partner, our other AT, go into the next appointment and help her understand what is going on. On a completely different note, she also agreed to go to Patches IEP meeting with me. Yeah!!!! She is a little ball of fire so I know they will stand back and listen to her.

It's funny, I knew I would have a large family, I knew they would have emotional challenges but it never occurred to me that I would have to worry about them hallucinating about guns or weirdos in the windows. My DH and I had a friend, let me be more clear, my DH dated a girl I was friends with that was hospitalized many times for Schizophrenia. She was very strange, at times. It was sad to see her deteriorate over the years and I worry that Patches will be like that. She tried to kill her Dad b/c the voices told her he was evil. She tried to cut open her stomach b/c she thought she was pregnant with his evil child. The poor man was as nice as he could be ans adored his daughter. I heard she is now a mother and the only thing I could think of was her poor child.

We are finally free here. Our new to us van is fantastic. It ain't pretty but it is big and has been wonderfully maintained b/c it was a Housing Authority vehicle. It is white, the only color I didn't want. The kids are so happy to ride in it that they don't care where I have to go, they all want to ride. Yesterday I took the big girls to therapy, came back and got all the kids to go to the pool for 3 hours and have a picnic lunch there, returned home to eat dinner, then off to the park we went, and since they all behaved so well, we stopped by Walmart to grab some ice cream. It was a great day. This morning I am heading to our old church to see my dear friend Debra lead the program. She is the president of the congregation and I love when she speaks. She is one of the most amazing women I have had the pleasure of calling my friend. Unfortunately, it is about 75 minutes away.

I Was Trying To Get Comfy

We we late taking Michael to the psychiatrist today. Ruthie decided to run away. I offered to pack her bag but she wasn't interested. She got quite far down our road and the kids kept an eye on her for me. If I follow her, she will run faster. If I let them watch her, she turns around to be sure they are watching and makes faces at them. They don't care about the faces. It is sad this happens so often that we are all calm, cool ,and collected. She returned when a truck honked at her several times. She ran as fast as she could back to the spot on the porch that she was supposed to be sitting and screaming.

The doctor increased his meds just a little more and I think we are where we need to be. She warned me that the hope to make the voices go away completely were not reasonable. He will need to learn cope. We have been working on that. He had been terribly afraid when they began but with the help of P*ozac, he is staying much calmer. The same med is also helping his libido. He expressed that he thinks the voices can see him and know what he thinks about. He hears a small child scream at him regularly now. It has become more often now. He sees people in his windows sometimes during the day and at night. He isn't afraid they will hurt him, he just doesn't like it. I can't say I blame him.

I'd like to tell you a "hypothetical" story about a boy that made me nearly pee my pants this week. I mean, would have if I had been there and knew him.

One afternoon a mother of many had returned from a brief outing, she went around the house looking for all her little rugrats and shutting off the many lights that are always left on. She thought nothing to open the bathroom door to do just this and was surprised when she saw her adorable son standing there in his underwear looking like a deer caught in the head lights. She apologized for disturbing his privacy and suggested he lock the door next time. He was speechless. She instinctively knew something was off and looked around the room. She noticed a pillow, comforter, and giant stuffed dog on the floor like it was a bedroom. She calmly asked if he had been laying down in there. He replied, "I was trying to get comfy." She knew what was really going on and told him it was OK to do that in the bathroom but could he please leave his bedding in his room and lock the door. He informed her, "Sometimes it takes too long and I need to lay down and get comfy." It took all she had not to burst into laughter. She restated her original comment and shut the door.

Later the same Mom asked her son to finish his writing assignment from the past several days. He asked if he could write about other things, too. She was desperate to get the darn assignment over and joyfully accepted his idea. About and hour later he was so happy to show her he had written somethings down. He was so proud of himself and explained he had written what was on his mind, like his teacher told him to do in his journal at school. He handed her the paper and she began to read it. "I luv my wenr. It felz good wen I tuch it. It is my best toy." She wasn't sure what to say and she knew she couldn't do it with a straight face so she pretended to cough and told him to hold on. She ran to her bathroom and laughed her ass off. When she returned fully composed, she thanked him for his effort and told him he had done a great job of sharing his thoughts. His little face beamed with pride.

Have I mentioned lately that I lvoe my life? I have so many entertainers around me that it would be impossible not to.

A Spanking

Ruthie and Ella are staying over at Nanny and Papa's, my DH's mother's home for a couple days. Nanny had the nerve to leave for a few minutes and all Hell broke loose. It seems as though Ruthie was playing with Papa by smacking his belly over and over. He did not find this as fun as she did and requested she stop. She refused and hit harder. At some point, she began smacking Ella and hurt her sore arm. Now, I will stop there and explain that due to our children's extreme issues with personally safety and appropriate boundaries, this was a major No No. Had she been home, she would have received a big consequence for not respecting another person's personal space, hitting, and not stopping when asked to the FIRST time.

I wish that was all that happened but it wasn't. Ruthie went off the deep end and freaked out. Papa didn't know how to get her under control and spanked her. I'm sure it wasn't hard b/c Ella told me she wasn't scared. We are not a spanking family, for obvious reasons. Papa doesn't have any real experience handling my children or their issues. He usually leaves that up to my MIL. There have been MANY times I would have loved to spank, not b/c it would help them learn but b/c I am so angry. That is not good and not acceptable IMHO. I'm not mad at Nanny or Papa. They do their best with my children and let's face it, w/o training my kids are impossible to deal with and understand. I'm disappointed that Ruthie couldn't be respectful or follow some of our very basic rules when out of my direct supervision.

Her consequence was to write an apology letter with at least 3 sentences to both Papa and Ella. Nanny already had her in a time out where she wailed loud enough that I could hear her when I was on the phone with Ella a couple of rooms away from her. I spoke to her through her sobs and explained her consequence. She was able to pull herself together w/i a few minutes of talking to me and get her letter done so she could join them for dinner.

Speaking of letters and meals. Let's talk about my son and his ability to do nothing for days. I can't wait for him to decide to use his powers for good b/c he will be able to do anything he wants. He told Emma that she wasn't his sister and he didn't love her anymore. He is the only one that does this. We tried to laugh it off and ignore it. Neither worked and seemed to escalate his tendency to do this when he is angry at her or wants to hurt her. Now we are taking it very seriously and assume he is disowning all of us since WE are a family. He was asked to write 2 pages of reasons this was unacceptable after doing it numerous times in the days before. He refuses to pick up the pencil. I usually can get them motivated by having them sit at the table and tell them they can eat with us as soon as they are done. This does not work with him. He has chosen to spend the last 2 full days in his room with not a word written. Keep in mind I am asking him to write on a Kindergarten level, nothing brilliant. I expect punctuation, not perfection. I assume I will not be able to read it b/c he will have sounded it out. I know he can do it b/c he did this at school for his teachers. This is his power struggle with me. I remind him I miss him and wish he would choose to rejoin us. He is eating his meals in his room. They are PB sands with carrots and water. He doesn't care. Not at all. It reminds me of Ruthie years ago, she would choose to stay in her room for days b/c I asked her to get the stuff out from under her bed. The chore took less than 5 minutes to do but she would scream and refuse for days, taking her meal in her room.

Cyr and Patches returned from their Aunt and Uncles. They had a blast. It is so funny that the first things they told me about were all the rules they gleefully broke. They had soda, stayed up late, and had sugar for breakfast. LOL They know I don't care, they just want me to know how much fun it is over there. Both girls held it together. Patches asked for her meds when it became too much and cried about her parents for a little bit. She told me about it herself and sobbed in my arms over her loss. She was sure to remind me that she was OK and could handle going back b/c the sad was worth all the fun they had. They saw their Nana and PawPaw and their former foster mother, Shirley. Cyr discovered she is not big on camping. LOL She is way too prissy for all that dirt. Patches is still in bed. I guess she didn't get enough sleep there b/c she never sleeps past 9 or so. It's now after noon.

I am taking Emma, Ava, and Michael to see their new school today. It is completely empty b/c it is new. They wanted us to see it before the teachers added their touches to their rooms. I thought it was a great idea. Teachers add so much to their classes that gets ignored b/c you never see it before they got ahold of it.

Surviving

I'm feeling better. Well, all except the violent....maybe I shouldn't share THAT part of myself with you. Let's just say, I'm at the end of my illness. The fever is gone and the house looks a little bit better than it did when the tornado hit it 2 days in a row. Now no one can say I don't do anything around here. When I am down, the entire house is turned over so there is proof that I coordinate the chaos.

Rosa is going out on a blind date. She mad that I am pushing her to go out. I am not pushing her to drink and stay out all night. I am pushing her to make friends that don't do that.


There isn't much to say other than the kids plan on camping out this weekend in the yard. That means I get to sleep outside. Whoo Hoo! We will watch fireworks and then come home to let them catch lightening bugs and roast marshmallows. We don't celebrate anything too big. In fact, this will be the first Independence Day we have really acknowledged in any way. They can handle it, I think.

That reminds me!! Patches and Cyr are at their birth Aunt M's until Monday night. This is a really long time for them. I sent extra meds. LOL They are going to see their former FM and alot of their relatives while they are there. Cyr knows what to do with Patches and has her own cell to call me if they need help or advice. She reminded me that she doesn't mind helping now but she will not take care of her when I die b/c she would murder her and be sent to jail. Cyr that is, not Patches. At least she knows her limits. LOL

Kiera has a few new words that crack me up. Mayonaise, hot dog, bandaid, and of course stop it. The child screams stop it 487,373 times a day. It is loud and clear that she doesn't want you to do whatever you are doing until you stop and she is still screaming at you. She screams it in her sleep and scares the crap out of me, too. Such a joy when they learn to talk.

I have a stomach virus

It seems Alyssa shared her virus with me. Chills, fever, knot in my stomach, and some lovely gagging when I try to eat anything.

I haven't forgotten about calling you, Lisa. I think about it every time I lay my head down. I am stuck on the sofa today with 11 kids running around me so don't look for it today.