Monday, November 30, 2009

Some Second Thoughts

I found myself searching the residential treatment options in my area. I discovered over the holiday that I have a good one just down the road from me. As many of you know, I have strong feelings against it for my children, at this time. It will further their fears and issues with abandonment, the ones left at home with me will lose their crap, the child placed will never fit back in or feel a apart of us, to name a few. I worked in a facility many years ago and feel we can provide most of what they do here. The only thing that is lingering in my mind now is a break. I'm tired. I won't give up but I notice that I am not as thoughtful of a parent as I usually am. I am not thinking through every possible outcome and making choices or decisions based on that. I'm not analyzing everything. I want to be a regular family so bad. I don't read about new techniques or even other blogs of families like ours anymore. I wonder if it is possible to achieve that normalcy with sheer will power? I could just stick my head in the sand or my fingers in my ear and scream "lalalalalalalala" every time they try to remind me of our reality.

I saw how different I am from most people this weekend. Rosa and my DH love the kids. They try really hard to manage them. They still had to call me out of bed to hold one child and organize the chaos of several other outbursts. It doesn't come easy to them. They are frustrated and can't think of ways to change up the atmosphere. They instantly become stuck. I am not saying I am perfect and that I handle everything with ease. I do not. Let me be more clear, I screw up daily. The difference is that I bounce back. Once the situation is over, I move on. This makes it easy for me to forgive and love them for who they are and not let their issues and behaviors get in the way. I may complain about the behavior or my day but I do not blame my children for their issues. Their choices, yes. I am not afraid of my children. I am not afraid of my reaction to them. Others are. They worry they will get too angry or the lose control of themselves. I get angry. I want to smack them sometimes like when they punch me or are digging their nails into my skin and I can't move away. I am not always loving and have the best reaction to a situation. When I screw up, I take the child aside and apologize for my bad choice. I explain why I did it and how I plan to react the next time. I think the biggest difference is that being alone with them is overwhelming to every one I know. They can't imagine day after day, an afternoon is fine, even a weekend they could survive but 3 1/2 years or for the rest of their childhood is impossible. I can't imagine my life without them.

Speaking of without them, over the holiday I took Cyr to visit Patches on Thanksgiving morning. We were given the wrong time and missed the "event" they had planned for the families of their patients. We stayed for the last 15 minutes and left. I was upset that we had missed it and worried about Patches feelings. Of course, she shared none of them with us. Cyr brought up the fact that Patches hadn't seem concerned about our tardiness or the fact we went out of our way to go up there to see her. She was looking for a connection with Patches. I had to explain to her that Patches didn't care if we came up there, it didn't make her happy or thankful. The only issue would have come if we didn't show up. That would make all voices in her head right. We didn't love her, want her, like her. It would prove she has been right all along and want her gone. My consistency isn't going to change her and make her feel loved, my only hope is that I do not give her any opportunities to prove she is unloved as she so deeply fears. I think it clicked for Cyr. I know it made her sad.


J. said...

I hear you, Fudge sticks his fingers in his ears and works for him, it might for you as well... hang in there and remember to take care of yourself as best you can while you are taking care of everyone else because your well being is just as importatnt as theirs!

Georgia Love said...

Aww, I wish I could do something or say something to help you feel better. We all get tired and down in the dumps from time to time. You’re a strong lady and you can get past these holidays and things will be a little better.
As for wishing you were a normal family, there's no such thing! lol You just have different obstacles than most people. Make some time for yourself! You have to, otherwise you'll keep beating yourself down and that’s not good for you or the kids.
Blessed be!

Innocent Observer said...

Last night I dreamed that you flew up to visit with me, and we had plans to drive into a large city to see the Nutcracker with Girl Lost.

So I'm doing my part in helping you get a break, if only in my dreams! I really wish I lived closer. I couldn't do what you do, but I would at least try to help out. (((Hugs)))

Lisa said...

You really sound sad about your kids. I can completely relate because I also want so badly for my kids to be okay, for us to just have a regular life and mine seem to have gone from being extremely good for me and terrible at school to a switcho-chango and now they're horrible at home and little angels at school (I know it's usually the other way around). I feel like I've been manipulated for years and have just completely opened my eyes over the past 5 years - and yet I still give them so many, many opportunities to do "normal" kid stuff (that they ALWAYS fail at).

I am not bouncing back the way I used to and I can also relate to the frustration Rosa and your DH must feel. Everyone has their limits - I think if we have proper rest and rejuvenation, we can keep on doing this, but how?? We don't have shifts of people coming into refresh us every 8 hours. When our kids don't sleep, we don't sleep. When we get sick, well too bad because their behaviors don't improve just because we're not 100% If I'm not with my kids, I'm thinking about how I can help them, I'm reading up on every disorder/trestment that's out there and I still read blogs daily of people just like me - in other words, I'm drowning in their dysfunction. I cannot even have a normal conversation with another human being anymore - I have nothing to say that doesn't involve venting my frustrations about my kids, my frustrations with the mental health system or venting about my grief over what I want my life to be like, but can't have. My dreams are dying a little more each day and they are being replaced by nothing. Is it just the holidays?? They seem to make things so glaringly obvious in families like ours.