and another one gone and another gone. Another one bites the dust. Heh! They're gonna get you, too. Another one bites the dust. (Sorry, it keeps running through my head.)
Patches had to be taken to the psychiatric facility that Alyssa is currently in. She tried to kill herself. She is fine but refuses to be safe and is on suicidal watch there. I hate the holidays. I had dreams of a large family sitting down for big dinners and lots of love. My dream will never come true and my reality has become a nightmare. I have 2 children that are delusional and paranoid, they feed off each other. She had been hallucinating again, nothing scary but I should have seen it as a sign. She had been deteriorating at school, nothing horrible but another sign. She has been shutting down more and her hygiene rapidly disintegrated in the last 2 days. Add her brother to the mix and poof! She went over the edge. It was one tiny moment and she couldn't come back from it. We tried, for hours even. No coming back. The situation escalated until we knew there was only one choice, she had to be hospitalized for her safety and ours. I did not nor do I take this decision lightly. I love my daughter and always have her best interest at heart.
There has been one thing that surprised me this weekend. I never thought this would happen to us. Anyone that knows me or has read this blog for more than a week, knows how dedicated to maintaining them at home I am. I am very vocal to our therapists and doctors about this passionate need to keep them here. I have been chewed out and patted on the back about it, neither swaying this feeling for even a moment. Still committed to doing it as long as I feel I can but the thing that has changed is that these short stints have become normalized for us. No one cried or screamed they hated me. No one asked over and over, obsessed with their sibling's return. It has become a normal treatment option. That is sad. It is sad that I am not worried about where she is. I am about her mental health but I have come to know and trust the staff at the hospital. I think her psychiatrist there is fantastic. I know she is safe. Once the decision to move her there was made, it was easy to be logical instead of emotional. Don't get me wrong. I think about her, I love her, I miss her, but I am also relieved that I don't have to be so vigilant today with the 3 difficult children safe in a locked facility.
We discussed how to manage her for the holiday season. He increased her anti psychotic by a third and added another mood stabilizer that is known to help with violence/aggression. I am hoping to decrease them after the first of the year when the cycle seems to lose it's steam. I completely trust the school to handle anything that arises there and we are considering the partial program that Michael is graduating from to buy some time away from him.
Alyssa will be home in a few days but Patches will take longer. I am not sure how long "longer" is. Last time it was 9 or 10 days to stabilize her. I do know she is showing some of her issues there so at least she is using the time wisely. We will be able to visit the girls daily until their released.
We are definitely skipping the holidays next year!