Monday, November 23, 2009

Another One Bites the Dust

and another one gone and another gone. Another one bites the dust. Heh! They're gonna get you, too. Another one bites the dust. (Sorry, it keeps running through my head.)

Patches had to be taken to the psychiatric facility that Alyssa is currently in. She tried to kill herself. She is fine but refuses to be safe and is on suicidal watch there. I hate the holidays. I had dreams of a large family sitting down for big dinners and lots of love. My dream will never come true and my reality has become a nightmare. I have 2 children that are delusional and paranoid, they feed off each other. She had been hallucinating again, nothing scary but I should have seen it as a sign. She had been deteriorating at school, nothing horrible but another sign. She has been shutting down more and her hygiene rapidly disintegrated in the last 2 days. Add her brother to the mix and poof! She went over the edge. It was one tiny moment and she couldn't come back from it. We tried, for hours even. No coming back. The situation escalated until we knew there was only one choice, she had to be hospitalized for her safety and ours. I did not nor do I take this decision lightly. I love my daughter and always have her best interest at heart.

There has been one thing that surprised me this weekend. I never thought this would happen to us. Anyone that knows me or has read this blog for more than a week, knows how dedicated to maintaining them at home I am. I am very vocal to our therapists and doctors about this passionate need to keep them here. I have been chewed out and patted on the back about it, neither swaying this feeling for even a moment. Still committed to doing it as long as I feel I can but the thing that has changed is that these short stints have become normalized for us. No one cried or screamed they hated me. No one asked over and over, obsessed with their sibling's return. It has become a normal treatment option. That is sad. It is sad that I am not worried about where she is. I am about her mental health but I have come to know and trust the staff at the hospital. I think her psychiatrist there is fantastic. I know she is safe. Once the decision to move her there was made, it was easy to be logical instead of emotional. Don't get me wrong. I think about her, I love her, I miss her, but I am also relieved that I don't have to be so vigilant today with the 3 difficult children safe in a locked facility.

We discussed how to manage her for the holiday season. He increased her anti psychotic by a third and added another mood stabilizer that is known to help with violence/aggression. I am hoping to decrease them after the first of the year when the cycle seems to lose it's steam. I completely trust the school to handle anything that arises there and we are considering the partial program that Michael is graduating from to buy some time away from him.

Alyssa will be home in a few days but Patches will take longer. I am not sure how long "longer" is. Last time it was 9 or 10 days to stabilize her. I do know she is showing some of her issues there so at least she is using the time wisely. We will be able to visit the girls daily until their released.

We are definitely skipping the holidays next year!


Kelly said...

Please, Please, Please don't take this the wrong way. I commend you for what you are trying to do to help your grandchildren but... do you think that it would be more effective to work with your children without having 3 additional children in the house. Again, I am not saying you are doing the wrong thing at all. You are doing an incredible job with the children and certainly I could not do it. I just know that even my children (who do not have the issues your children have) feed off each other and I can not imagine adding 3 more children to the mix.
I know you always make the best decisions possible for your children and I am not questioning you on that at all. You are a great mom and I am continually in awe of you.

Tudu said...

Kelly, it's just not an option to move the grand kids out. I can't go into it here but I will say they are stable here. I agree it will be easier when they are on their own. Right now our biggest issue is with my son and Patches. They are constant triggers. Tonight on the phone, she was mentioning it was all his fault and I explained they had to find a way to get along. She would prefer to not live with him. In her mind, get rid of him and all her problems will go away. Since that's not an option, I'm not sure what we will do.

robyncalgary said...

as important as it is to keep tradition and seasonal lovings and stuff, i find myself totally understanding if you DID totally ignore the holidays next year. change is so hard for them, and while we see christmas as a fun reprieve from daily grind, to them id assume its just another huge tornado through their attempt to hold onto normalcy. but thats just my take from reading your blog.

as sad as it is, im glad to hear the others are adjusting to their siblings going to the hospital.

i think of you daily and send love to all of you <3

Innocent Observer said...


Wishing you didn't live so far away and I could come hug you for real!

Book Lover said...


I'm so sorry for the difficult days. Why is it the holidays seem to bring out the worst? Those magazine and TV descriptions of the holiday dinners are not realistic:) What is real is a mom doing her best with the children put in her care. Those children have so much to be thankful for this year. You are exactly the mom they needed. Saying prayers for you this week.


Kim Chrisman

SanitySrchr said...

Tudu, I really wish I knew just the right words to make all of this easier on both the kids, and you. Just know we are continuing to pray!

Abby said...

What do you mean by having the 3 difficult kids at the facility? I thought it was just Alyssa and Patches??

*hugs* I'm sorry your holidays are off to such an awful start. =(

Georgia Love said...

My heart goes out to you and your family. I know the holidays are always hard on the kids, but they have you to help them through it. Continue to be strong, keep your head up and things will be better soon! Hugs

MyLinda said...

I think you are doing a great job at trying to keep your family together and safe. I know it's hard to let go of that dream of a nice big family dinner/holidays!