Some Second Thoughts

I found myself searching the residential treatment options in my area. I discovered over the holiday that I have a good one just down the road from me. As many of you know, I have strong feelings against it for my children, at this time. It will further their fears and issues with abandonment, the ones left at home with me will lose their crap, the child placed will never fit back in or feel a apart of us, to name a few. I worked in a facility many years ago and feel we can provide most of what they do here. The only thing that is lingering in my mind now is a break. I'm tired. I won't give up but I notice that I am not as thoughtful of a parent as I usually am. I am not thinking through every possible outcome and making choices or decisions based on that. I'm not analyzing everything. I want to be a regular family so bad. I don't read about new techniques or even other blogs of families like ours anymore. I wonder if it is possible to achieve that normalcy with sheer will power? I could just stick my head in the sand or my fingers in my ear and scream "lalalalalalalala" every time they try to remind me of our reality.

I saw how different I am from most people this weekend. Rosa and my DH love the kids. They try really hard to manage them. They still had to call me out of bed to hold one child and organize the chaos of several other outbursts. It doesn't come easy to them. They are frustrated and can't think of ways to change up the atmosphere. They instantly become stuck. I am not saying I am perfect and that I handle everything with ease. I do not. Let me be more clear, I screw up daily. The difference is that I bounce back. Once the situation is over, I move on. This makes it easy for me to forgive and love them for who they are and not let their issues and behaviors get in the way. I may complain about the behavior or my day but I do not blame my children for their issues. Their choices, yes. I am not afraid of my children. I am not afraid of my reaction to them. Others are. They worry they will get too angry or the lose control of themselves. I get angry. I want to smack them sometimes like when they punch me or are digging their nails into my skin and I can't move away. I am not always loving and have the best reaction to a situation. When I screw up, I take the child aside and apologize for my bad choice. I explain why I did it and how I plan to react the next time. I think the biggest difference is that being alone with them is overwhelming to every one I know. They can't imagine day after day, an afternoon is fine, even a weekend they could survive but 3 1/2 years or for the rest of their childhood is impossible. I can't imagine my life without them.

Speaking of without them, over the holiday I took Cyr to visit Patches on Thanksgiving morning. We were given the wrong time and missed the "event" they had planned for the families of their patients. We stayed for the last 15 minutes and left. I was upset that we had missed it and worried about Patches feelings. Of course, she shared none of them with us. Cyr brought up the fact that Patches hadn't seem concerned about our tardiness or the fact we went out of our way to go up there to see her. She was looking for a connection with Patches. I had to explain to her that Patches didn't care if we came up there, it didn't make her happy or thankful. The only issue would have come if we didn't show up. That would make all voices in her head right. We didn't love her, want her, like her. It would prove she has been right all along and want her gone. My consistency isn't going to change her and make her feel loved, my only hope is that I do not give her any opportunities to prove she is unloved as she so deeply fears. I think it clicked for Cyr. I know it made her sad.

It's Been a Long Holiday

The kids are waiting at the end of the driveway for their bus as I type. I have been in bed for 2 days with a fever and an ache all over my body that I was sure would kill me. One holiday down and only 2 to go before we begin to see a bit of normalcy around here.

Yesterday was tough for my DH and Rosa. Ruthie is easily triggered and manipulated by others and their emotions. Alyssa hasn't changed much with her brief 4 days in the hospital and came back as mouthy as ever. She is smart and figured out Ruthie could be drug into her crap and then she had a partner in crime. Ruthie becomes violent where Alyssa just sits there and feeds her damaging information, constantly stirring the pot. They had to be separated to keep it under control. She managed to go off a couple of times and had to be held at one point to protect Rosa. She had made the mistake of trying to help Michael pull himself together and Ruthie went off. Michael kept trying to tell her he was OK and defuse it but she was too far gone. It makes a simple situation into a major one.

Patches is home and holding it together, so far. Her meds have been increased and it will take a while for her to get used to them. I hope she is able to stay awake at school until then. When the holiday is over we will begin to decrease them, as long as she can handle it. Today she begins another round at the partial hospitalization program. Michael graduated last week and she and Alyssa will both start this week. Even if there is no progress, it will be a break for us here.

My house is trashed. I am too weak to do much. I have at least 2 appointments today that must be kept. Anyone feel like being me today? I'm not sure how I will make it through today without collapsing.

Another One Bites the Dust

and another one gone and another gone. Another one bites the dust. Heh! They're gonna get you, too. Another one bites the dust. (Sorry, it keeps running through my head.)

Patches had to be taken to the psychiatric facility that Alyssa is currently in. She tried to kill herself. She is fine but refuses to be safe and is on suicidal watch there. I hate the holidays. I had dreams of a large family sitting down for big dinners and lots of love. My dream will never come true and my reality has become a nightmare. I have 2 children that are delusional and paranoid, they feed off each other. She had been hallucinating again, nothing scary but I should have seen it as a sign. She had been deteriorating at school, nothing horrible but another sign. She has been shutting down more and her hygiene rapidly disintegrated in the last 2 days. Add her brother to the mix and poof! She went over the edge. It was one tiny moment and she couldn't come back from it. We tried, for hours even. No coming back. The situation escalated until we knew there was only one choice, she had to be hospitalized for her safety and ours. I did not nor do I take this decision lightly. I love my daughter and always have her best interest at heart.

There has been one thing that surprised me this weekend. I never thought this would happen to us. Anyone that knows me or has read this blog for more than a week, knows how dedicated to maintaining them at home I am. I am very vocal to our therapists and doctors about this passionate need to keep them here. I have been chewed out and patted on the back about it, neither swaying this feeling for even a moment. Still committed to doing it as long as I feel I can but the thing that has changed is that these short stints have become normalized for us. No one cried or screamed they hated me. No one asked over and over, obsessed with their sibling's return. It has become a normal treatment option. That is sad. It is sad that I am not worried about where she is. I am about her mental health but I have come to know and trust the staff at the hospital. I think her psychiatrist there is fantastic. I know she is safe. Once the decision to move her there was made, it was easy to be logical instead of emotional. Don't get me wrong. I think about her, I love her, I miss her, but I am also relieved that I don't have to be so vigilant today with the 3 difficult children safe in a locked facility.

We discussed how to manage her for the holiday season. He increased her anti psychotic by a third and added another mood stabilizer that is known to help with violence/aggression. I am hoping to decrease them after the first of the year when the cycle seems to lose it's steam. I completely trust the school to handle anything that arises there and we are considering the partial program that Michael is graduating from to buy some time away from him.

Alyssa will be home in a few days but Patches will take longer. I am not sure how long "longer" is. Last time it was 9 or 10 days to stabilize her. I do know she is showing some of her issues there so at least she is using the time wisely. We will be able to visit the girls daily until their released.

We are definitely skipping the holidays next year!

Another First

The child I was recently blogging about rapidly escalated yesterday and had to be hospitalized. Every time we turned around, she would work very hard to break a rule or get into something. Eventually, she began to run out the door and down the road. Her mother had to chase her down the road. It became a game very quickly. She managed to make it through the day and when we decided to sit down for a movie as a family, she was told to get ready for bed and go to her room. Amazingly, she was quiet.

At some point, a child saw her walk back in the front door. Her mother and I went to her room, thinking she had snuck out the front door and had just come back. Silly us. As we discussed how dangerous that was, we noticed the vacuum had a sheet tied around it. A closer look and we realized the window was unlocked. It still took a minute to sink in, considering she was sitting in front of us uninjured, we assumed she had only attempted to go out the 2nd story window. We were wrong. She had indeed gone out it and had fallen when she got right over the edge. She landed on her back and had laid out there crying for a few minutes. Even after she admitted it, it seemed impossible.

Once it became a reality, we began to worry about the rest of the night. It immediately became clear that she wasn't going to agree to stay put for the night. She insisted she would not stay in the house. She wanted to walk up and down the street. She was told by her mother that she wasn't going to be able to stay here if she refused to stay in the house at night. She called her bluff. It was a bluff, her mother never thought it would be necessary to hospitalize her 7 yr old daughter.

I knew right then there wasn't a choice. It took quite a bit of convincing to get her mother to agree it was the only answer. It is hard to accept your child is unsafe. No matter how educated you are on these issues, the first time feels like a failure. No one can change that or fix it for you. You are the mother and you should have been able to keep your child safe and fix all their problems. It is actually just getting help. Taking care of your child. Stepping up to the plate. Her mother needed more convincing that I could do so I was forced to call our therapist, she is fully aware of the situation and made it clear for her. Not taking her in made her liable for anything that happened to her after that. If she refused to take her, she could run away while we were asleep and DFCS would have a case against her and possibly remove her from our home. Once that sunk in, she took some deep breaths and we took her to the ER. Her mother did really well and even though she was overwhelmed she managed to get her daughter the help she desperately needs. To top it all off, our fantastic female therapist agreed to take her in house and be her therapist. She is the kind of therapist that will hold her accountable and won't fall for her innocent looks and manipulative ways. She has a talent for getting people to do things for her and think she is too sweet to have done all the things that seem to happen around her.

I'm Struggling

One of the kids is driving us insane. Not your normal crazy, the kind you want to try spanking b/c it would let off some steam kind. (We do not spank nor will I really begin spanking. It is a family joke, "today may be the first time I start beating kids and it looks like you may get to be first". They know I am teasing and laugh.) This particular child is incredibly stubborn and super smart. She can bring on the tears and pour on the guilt. She is a master manipulator and quite possibly the most charming child I have ever met. Most of my kids made me feel crazy in the beginning but this child makes everyone feel crazy. Today alone she hid another child's book bag and refuses to give it up, repeated a directive and then did as she pleased, choked another child, hid under a desk and slept the night but refused to come out in the AM and we panicked looking for her, stole some things from the other kids, screamed I was hurting her when I touched her arm, threatened to tell the police on me, ran away after dark and refused to come in even though it was pitch black, and tried to kill me with her mean look (she actually admitted to me that was the goal).

She is exhausting. I am worried about her ability to love and feel love. She has been on her honeymoon for the last year and she finally cracked last month. My kids are so far past this stage that it makes it hard to remember what to do. LOL I have had to pull out my old bag of tricks and really dig deep. She reminds me of her father when he was younger. I keep telling myself she doesn't have to turn out like he did. She is her own person. She is younger than he was. She can do this. We all can help her. Those things are hard to believe in the middle of the day.

Kiera is sick. That means no sleep for me at night.

A Luxury I Can Afford

I am sure I have posted about the wonderful dinners we used to attend for support with local traumatized parents. I wrote that correctly, we are traumatized. The kids may have been first, may be more traumatized, and even win the contest but make no mistake, we are, too. Back to the dinners. We loved going. We looked forward to it all month long. It got me through the really tough months when I wasn't sure which one would survive, the kids or me. It was so nice to sit at the table and order for just me. I didn't have to worry about what everyone was doing or saying. I didn't have to watch for clues to who will react to what. I would even occasionally have a drink or two or three. We laughed so loud people stared at us and not b/c my kid just ripped her clothes off. We closed down the restaurant more than once. These parents got what we were going through. They gave us ideas that worked for them. We howled at each others' stories one upping each other and finding comfort knowing we were not the only ones that were slowly losing their grip on reality. Many times, what is normal for us isn't for the rest of the world. We are normal in this group. These dinners stopped when we all got too busy. I received an email last night that promised the return of these blessed events in my life. I know I have many local readers, if any of you fit the bill and want to join us, we'd be honored. It's Saturday night December 6th at 6 PM in Atlanta. Please send me a comment with your info (I won't publish it) and I will call you with details.

Many of the folks attending will be in a workshop all day, Diane Best's Therapeutic Parent Workshop. Nina Jonio, a Neuro developmental Reorganization clinician, will be presenting with Denise. NR is a neurological -based intervention that can work along side attachment and trauma therapy to change your child's brain development They will be at the Hampton Inn & Suites at the Atlanta Airport from 9 AM to 4:30 PM. You can call 404-767-9300 if you are interested in the workshop.

I Didn't Want This Day To Go By...

Without mentioning that we adopted the kids 2 years ago today. They each have managed to find a way in my heart despite their best efforts. I barely remember life before them, it's hard to belive 3 1/2 years have gone by. They give my life meaning and direction. I would walk a million miles to hold them and tell them every thing's going to be alright. I hate the way they had to come into my life but love that they won't be going anywhere (until Patches grows up and refuses to have anything to do with me as she has faithfully promised. LOL) . There are days I need a break, days I wanna stay in bed with all of them watching movies, and days I fear I will lose my mind, and even ones that I am so filled with pride that I know my chest will burst. The good, the bad, and ugly, they are my children. I chose them in every sense of the word, so if there was a mistake made, I'd be the last to admit it.

Have You Clicked Lately?

I am sure most of you noticed that I added some advertisements to the blog. Have you clicked on any of them? Check them out, I get paid!

Happy Anniversary, Kiera! It's been a year since you came into our lives and stole our hearts. We are a better family with you in it.

She Loves Me

One of the kids had a rough day at school and an even more eventful evening. I won't go into what started her screamfest but I will say, I asked her to stop doing something that could ruin the septic tank balance and force us to spend a great deal of money to fix her mess. I was irritated but tried to explain why she can't do it. Before she ever began using the item, I explained with passion what would happen. I must have inspired her to see if it would really happen. The explanation set her off. I walked away and waited. She escalated. We ignored her screams until she began to bend the door on the cabinet that holds their TV in the Playroom. The pressure she was putting on the door caused the entire thing to lean forward. Within seconds the giant TV an the cabinet would have been on her. I ran to pull her away and it rocked back into place. She turned and began to attack me. I had no choice but to move her to the floor. I only had to hold her for less than 10 minutes. When I felt it was safe enough to let go, I insist they continue to lay there until they calm down. She did but she began her 45 minute screamfest. Unfortunately, we barely notice b/c it happens so much. Most of the kids don't even respond b/c they know I will keep everyone safe. That is why I was so surprised to find this on the desk under the agendas this morning.

Dear (Child that screamed her head off)
When you throw your fits I wonder if you really understand whether or not you scare the crap out of me. I think since your getting so big that you might hurt yourself, mom, the kids or me the most. I don't appreciate it when you start hitting or kicking her. Oh and call her names. How would you like it if she got mad at you and started hitting and kicking and calling you names? You wouldn't like it. Have you ever thought you might hurt her feelings? Have you ever thought when you hit or kick mom how much you could hurt her? She takes VERY good care of you, more care than you ever have gotten. You should thank her. When she takes you down like she does she's trying to protect you, her, and us cause if she didn't some of us would be seriously hurt right now. You owe Mom a huge apology. She LOVES you a lot.
Love your big sis

It wasn't left for me to read. It was written to get some things off her chest. My previously completely unattached and emotionless child defended me. She cares about my feelings and my physical well being. I think I may skip around today with joy that she is going to be OK. She has been trying to express her feelings lately and I think she has come the farthest of the children. I couldn't be any more proud of her than I have been for the last year watching her grow into such a lovely young woman.

A New Parenting Style

I attended the treatment plan meeting for Michael last night and was impressed with the therapist. He was late and over booked but smart, educated on MY child's illness and symptoms, funny, engaging, and every thing he needs. It's too bad he is just the one in charge of the family sessions. Next week we begin with all the family.

Our check showed up. Our old county decided to transfer it out of their county to the county we reside in. They just cut checks on a different day here. I also discovered that we were supposed to be renewing it yearly and could apply to have it increased based on the the children's needs. One of our therapists was surprised at how low ours is considering how high their needs are. I guess we will be getting right on that.

One of my girls decided they don't like the food at school and refuses to eat all day. She passed out in PE yesterday. She is fine but got a bit if a tongue lashing from me.

My phone was dying. It was a slow and painful process. I could no longer talk on the phone when moving. I mean from the table to the stove kinda move. I hate to spend any extra money during this time of year but it couldn't be avoided. I began looking at different phones all the while drooling over the Blackberries. I really wanted one but the prices for one with my service was over $400. Not an option for us. I checked out other providers and their plans. Then I discovered flashing. We use Metro PCS and I know a lot of you are local and know who they are but man y of you may not have heard of them. They provide unlimited local, LD, text, and web for about $50 and I get $10 off for each additional line I add. Of course there is a catch. You can only use them around our metro area. It's a steal, if you don't leave town. I don't so it's perfect. Now there are other services that are popping up that are similar but I wanted to stay with them, if I could b/c we have to carry several lines and it is the cheapest. Back to flashing. With Metro PCS, you don't have a SIM card and you are limited in your phone options. Blackberries only very recently became and option. Without a SIM card, you can use phones that have been shut off by other carriers. They are considered to have a and ESN and basically trash, until now. I searched Craigslist and located a Blackberry that had been used 2 months and disrupted due to nonpayment. The phone was useless to her. I also found a guy that offered to do his magic on the phone for next to nothing. Voila, new Blackberry for less than $50.

I am in love with my phone and am considering running away with it. They will all still be able to reach me by phone, text, or email. I can blog about them, twitter, or hit them up on FB. I think I can parent like that. At least I am willing to give it a try. I think you all can expect some changes around here, too. I am so excited to get started.

Singing

I sing constantly to the kids. It is not uncommon for me to belt out a song I have rewritten to fit a situation. I try to remember some of the good ones and they have become our family songs. The kids now sing them to each other when they do certain things. It is how I cope, help them cope, and find a giggle when things seem hopeless. Kiera has picked up the habit. Today I had to stop by the DFCS office to have the case closed. (All went well and we cleared up a few more things they had incorrect like they thought I was running around calling my kids crazy, like that is a bad thing. which reminds me of a song we sing.) Anyway, I told Kiera and Gia I'd feed them after I the meeting.

As we got back into the van, Kiera began singing. "McDonald's. McDonald's. My little McDonald's. I love you McDonald's." You get the idea. It went on and on. She is 2. How sad is that? She doesn't really eat there and she really doesn't watch TV. Somehow they managed to get to her. If that wasn't bad enough, she sang it all the way home at the top of her lungs. She even told me to turn off the radio so she could hear herself.

The Screams of My Angry Child

I was forced to sit and listen to one of my kids scream some lovely thins while she had a small tantrum this evening. After about 20 minutes, I picked up the computer and typed word for word. I only interacted with her at the end when she tried to kick it up a notch by breaking things. She was trying to get me to hold her. I never did. It is full of foul language and a few really truthful comments.

"I don't care who loves you. I hate you. When I grow up I will kill someone b/c i won't take my medicine. I won't go to high school. I love vets. I will watch them forever. I will be a cop and hurt every body. I m the one that let my father hurt every body. I let my mom hurt every body. I don't care. i let Tex touch us too. I will let you hurt me too. I don't care. So I will never come back her forever. I hate ll my family except Ella, or my family ion jail. That's who I like forever. I hate y'all forever. I won't come back. I never coem back to see you. I don't care if i go to jail. I will tell the secret forever. I will tell them what santa is. Forever. here I go I'll tell he secret right now. Every body we are getting a WII for Christmas. Hey, Ella we are getting a WII. See I told them. I told them I would say it. and I'm not going to be that. and I'm not gonna play with the WII. You are a stupid fat bitch. you are gonna be fat always. you aren't my real family. I only love my real family. my real family loves me. Hey Michael we are gonna get a WII. I'm gonna tell every body that we are gonna get it. I don't love dad or you or anybody else. I don't wanna be an elf. yesterday. that was stupid. I'm not finished. boo. I throw something at you. Emma we are gonna get a WII. Santa is dad and mom. they don't want to tell you b/c you believe in Santa. i wanna live on the streets or live with my father. or my uncle whos in jail. i wanna live the rest of my life until i die. I hate Michael, Emma, Ruthie and every body. yeah right. Michael doesn't love me. I don;t love him. Ruthie started it. she told mom I just got outside. she came in b/c she saw me and brought the baby inside. Patches watch the baby I got out there. I called her stupid I was gonna check the mail. I don't wanna watch the baby. I don't care. u don't love me. u won't feed me or let me go to bed. I don't care about you now. what you do to me and do to the rest of the people. you tell Kiera to go to timeout. it doesn't do anything. I'm gonna tell my teacher and friends that you won't let me eat or take a shower. and you lock us outside and take us down. Yeah. Im gonna tell them that. Im still not gonna do my chores. wanna bet 50 bucks. I'm not gonna do my fucking chore. I hate you you fucking bitch. hey Ruthie, we are gonna have a WII for xmas. I'm not gonna play the wii. shut up. shut up. shut up u bitch." she crumpled up her glasses and threw them. she picked up a very hard toy and threw it against the wall she threw a giant truck against the wall "fuck you you old man. do your stupid work. you stupid bitch. I'll run away."

It came to a screeching halt when she decided to throw some dangerous things against eh wall and at me. I had to step up to her and remind her of the consequences. After several threats from her, she ran out the door. She didn't go to far but did manage to scare the crap out of some drivers. I informed her if she put her foot in the road one more time, I would call the police b/c she was obviously suicidal. Eventually, I managed to get her home by standing behind her and it forced her to move toward the house b/c she doesn't want me to touch her or get near her. She is now cleaning up the mess she made before she eats dinner with the rest of the family. (Somehow, my DH managed to make dinner during this in the next room.) She is welcome to take as much time as she chooses. She is in complete control.

She has finished cleaning up now and we talked about what she said. Not the language or the threats, the fact she feels like she let her siblings down. This child admitted to feeling guilty for doing things their parents made them do, to each other. This is huge for her. We had suspected it but the kids have refused to discuss it. She thinks she should have called the cops on them to stop them. Not her mother or any of the other kids, her.

A Moment of Honesty

My poor son is finding it nearly impossible to trust me with his hallucinations. He has never stopped having them and after a very long tantrum he came clean. They are increasing in frequency and intensity. They are daily. He sees people but they don't speak to him. He sees them in his room, on the van ride to the hospital, and at the hospital. They love around him but never talk to him. They aren't mean to him. The voices are loud and scary. They are still yelling at him to kill me and hurt himself. They are also telling him mean things about himself. They do not want him to tell me.

He lied to leave the hospital and kept lying to stay out of it. He cried but admitted it felt better to let me know. I am sure his honesty will have to be drug from him every time. He no longer believes they are in his head. He thinks they are real and can do what they threaten. In the beginning, he could be briefly comforted when told he was safe from them and they were not real. It's almost like he is slipping into a different world. I can't describe it better than that. It is a place he thinks and feels is real but no one else can share it with him. He is leaning to agree with the adults around him and not to trust us. When he shares with us there are consequences. We have to find a way to reach him, to keep him here.

Yearly Check Ups

I took Cyr, Emma, and the twins for their yearly check ups on Friday. Every one is healthy except for a cold here and there. The pediatrician is one we have used for all 8 of the kids and for almost 18 months, she still doesn't recognize us. It's kinds weird b/c we stand out in almost all other situations. After she got started on the kids it kinda came to her that I was the lady with all the kids. She began to compliment me. She must have said at least 5 times that my kids were so clean and neatly dressed. I admit they had a little extra time getting ready and had matching clothes on but nothing special I can assure you. After the first couple of times I began to wonder what kind of patients she usually sees. Don't other parents keep their children bathed, trimmed, and in clean clothes? She mentioned again that she was impressed by their hygiene and that she commended me on being such a great mother to so many. I quietly told her to hold off on an award until she saw my other 3 next Tuesday. I take Patches, Michael, and Ruthie for theirs. They are all 3 hygiene challenged, at times.

Adoption Assistance

For the last year and half our adoption assistance has come from the county we adopted from. For some random reason, they switched it to the county we reside in. Seems simple right? It didn't come this month. We usually would have gotten it Tuesday or Wednesday of this week so I called them to find out what was up today and was informed they have no idea why or when we should receive it. I called our county and they won't answer or return my calls. The last time there was a change in our assistance, it took MONTHS to fix it. We can not go months without it this time.

For those of you that are completely confused about Adoption Assistance, let me explain. When you adopt older children with special needs from foster care, they pay a small amount of "child support" to help meet their needs. In our case, it allows me to be the SAHM they require. The first year and half I had 28 appointments a week. I was literally scheduled out every day of the week. As they have healed, we have been able to discontinue their OT, Speech, and extra therapy visits. We were going to the psychologist twice a week for a long time. I couldn't have worked. Now, they may not have as many appointments but they sure need me to be here nearly every second of the day. It has allowed us to provide for them, nothing more. We couldn't have adopted such a large group without it. It is only provided for the sibling group all our other children have no support. We had to fight for what we do receive and our agency had to go to great lengths to help us prove our children had significant emotional issues. They were wonderful and if anyone in my area wants to adopt, I would be happy to share their info with you.

A Bit of a Charlie Brown Christmas

Christmas is around the corner and I have not done ANY shopping. Usually, I am nearly done. Money is tight this year so we have decided to do a group gift for the kids from Santa, a WII. A used WII to be exact. I have been searching Craigslist for just the right one, cheapest would be the most important criteria. The kids won't even notice as long as it is plugged up. I have found them for $100-150 and have every intention to purchase one this week. The holiday will be sparse this year with 11 kids to buy for but we will find a way, I'm sure.

Frankee called night before last with her normal death and dying situations. She is off her meds AGAIN. She is so hard to listen to and sometimes I wish she would find someone else to fix her problems for her. She thinks no one else understands her. She might be right but I could use s break from her drama. She needs a place to go and I can't be it. I think she is using and I can't risk our life for her's.

Rosa has 5 weeks left of the police academy and she is wearing down. She has a bad case of procrastination. She hasn't looked for a job yet b/c she fears they won't hire her.

Alyssa is still being a butt munch. An example that happened this morning is Emma was unloading the last few items out of the dishwasher and Alyssa was sweeping the floor. Alyssa had just begun and Emma was nearly done. Alyssa insisted Emma close the dishwasher so she could sweep under the door of it. She had the entire floor to do and wanted to start there b/c Emma was there. I heard Emma ask her several times to hang on and she would move. When I walked in the room, Alyssa had a hold of the dishwasher door and refused to let go. Emma was trying to get the last item out and she was being smooshed in the door by Alyssa. She literally refused to let he get her arms out. I startled her by smacking her rear lightly. She still didn't budge. I asked her to and nothing. I had to pry her off of the dishwasher door so Emma could get her arms out of it. Alyssa made sure to throw herself to the floor in a very dramatic fashion. I almost laughed but realized it would further her self pity mode.

You Can't Polish a Turd

I called Rosa's soon to be ex husband last night for Alyssa. As I explained yesterday, she is having a very hard time right now. He hung up on me. I was polite and called him back and left a message. I explained that we must have been disconnected and I relayed the message that Alyssa wanted him to know. He knew she was waiting to talk to him, he didn't care. I waited until the kids were in bed and called him back leaving another message. One that made me feel better. I invited him to save the msg for the Judge or his lawyer and laid it all out for him. He is refusing all the regular scheduled and extra visits that he has been offered. He is not financially supporting his children. He doesn't call or return calls to them. He is the one missing out but worse than that, they need him. They have actually asked for a new dad. They have no idea that the one they got is the only turd they get. His actions are making them feel unworthy and in secure. I suggested he man up. Like I said, I felt better. I'm sure he just deleted it w/o listening.

Halloween and Some Witchy Attitude

This was Halloween night. We trick or treated at the mall due to rain. The kids were happier than I thought they would be and asked to do it there every year.






They aren't allowed to dress up for Halloween or have a party in our county. They get around it by letting the kids be book characters. They don't care as long as they can dress up. Most of the teachers do a special activity that includes halloweenie crap.





I added a bunch of new pictures of them dressed on my FB. They were so cute.

We had to get the police involved regarding a child's recent texting situation. She had gotten on a chat site called Omegle. DO NOT LET YOUR KIDS ON IT. You are instantly connected to a total stranger. You don't need a user name or anything. Just BAM, a stranger is talking to you. Anyway, these other "teen boys" wanted to text her so she being the idiot teenager we all have been, decided she was invincible and gave him the # to text. If they had been teens, it may have worked out differently. Now we are in the middle of some investigation to find the grown men that have been soliciting my child to send nude photos of her self and the ones that have been sending her pictures of them self. Most were out of state, some were not and that poses a threat in itself.

As you can imagine, having police at out home is very upsetting to our kids. Ruthie sobbed and rocked the entire time. She seemed OK after but at bed time she lost what little hold she had and went nuts. Cyr had to get the little kids out of the way while I tried to convince her to go downstairs. When she refused, for the safety of the others, I had to pick her up under her pits and carry her out. Eventually, she screamed a bunch of crap and walked the rest of the way. Once down there, she escalated to a point that we haven't seen in quite a while. I am used to the name calling and awful words but when she turned and looked at me straight in the face and screamed, "SHUT THE HELL UP!", I almost laughed out loud. I had been talking to Rosa and it caught me off guard. After some time, she continued this behavior and had managed to get herself under the ironing board. She refused to be careful and I was afraid it would fall on her. She threatened to kill herself and send me to jail in her rageful screams. I could tell they were just words when she didn't have any plan or any concept of what killing herself really meant. Once she began hitting and kicking me over and over, I was forced to hold her. She was exceptionally focused on hurting me by kicking and scratching me and I couldn't get in a position that protected me as well as her. In the process, she almost managed to get her teeth in me and I had to switch positions again. She was scratched in this event that lasted almost an hour. I, like many women, have longish nails. Before I knew she had been scratched, I cut them to the quick, again. I do everything in my power to protect the child I am being forced to hold. There are the rare incident they get a minor scratch or mark. After her shower, I noticed it and put ointment and band aids on it so she wouldn't be bothered by her shirt on it. I apologized to her b/c I felt bad. All she said was, "You didn't mean to. You would never hurt us." Talk about breaking my heart.

I rarely talk about Alyssa but I wanted to share that their father has all but disappeared from their lives. He hasn't come for a visit since July, he has almost stopped his children support, and barely returns calls to them. It is very hard for them to come to terms with this. Eddie has reignited his wetting and Alyssa has all sorts of fun behavior you may recognize. She is hoarding things in her bed like toys, food, books, and clothes that do not belong to her. She sneaks toys to school. She has pushed the kids so hard at the bus stop that she has to stay on the porch until they see the bus b/c I worry someone will be run over. She is openly defiant. She has been told by us that she may not sit with the rest of our kids on the bus and she does this by getting the driver involved. She claims that what happens at home stays there. She will regret that position before to long. She mutters under her breath. She is a master manipulator and tries to triangulate her mother and I. She refuses to accept any answer she doesn't agree with. She has decided the best way to torture some of my children is to show her privates or hound them about their insecurities. I am impressed with her recent improvements in her diet. She will eat a few bites of veggies at dinner. She is a tough little cookie, that's for sure.