Devil Girl

This is Alyssa's eye after Kiera threw a block at her. It took 10 days to heal. This was not the worst looking day, by far.







Kiera's Mother is holding her, her aunt and her son is next, Nana, and then her Uncles Josh and his son at her birthday party.








Granny, Kiera, her Mother











Kiera checking out her cake. She was hesitant to eat it with the mouse turds on it.









Riding a bike with Cyr

Remember Anonymous?

Well her name is a mother on other sites. She followed me from another blog I read about January, a 7 yr old that has Schizophrenia. This a mother has posted about me on other sites saying some rude things. Their readers came here so I posted a there. They refuse to publish it b/c it contradicts their theory that all attachment therapy is the horrible and radical kind that makes the news. I thought I would share with you here what it was.

a mother, you were not banned. I asked that you reveal who you are and not use anonymous. I felt I was respectful to you given your concerns for my children. I tried to address every worry you had. I am sorry you feel I attacked you in any way or that you were not welcome.

I assure you, we are on the same page with radical AT approaches and theories. We do not hold our children in a restraint unless they are violently attacking us, period. They must be a danger to themselves or another and a simple slap or other minor infraction does not mean a danger to anyone. We do not do ANY kind of compression holds in therapy. Therapy consists of my child laying in my lap. I encourage my children to speak their minds, make their own decisions, and have an opinion. I respect their choices, good or bad. For us, it’s all about unconditional love for them. We will love them regardless of their behavior and emotions. Mine couldn’t feel, they were numb. They are now healing, slowly and becoming healthy, happy people that can tell we love them and accept it as the truth. There is no brainwashing or boot camp going on here. I know others have found that helpful. I assure you the parents I know of have tried everything else first.

You all talked about the little boy that “played doctor” and his parents went overboard. You do not know what happened and are adding your own personal experience to it. Playing doctor is completely normal. His mother is well aware of this. She did not share the details of what happened so I will not. I will share that I have a children that had predatory behavior on other children. Predatory being the fact there were threats, promises, and power used to violate my children. My other children were terrified to tell. It has taken years for them to recover and I spent many nights wondering if I did the right thing keeping her here with them. I don’t know many other mothers that would try so hard to keep their family together. I’m not sure it would be right for many other families when a sibling sexually abuses their siblings repeatedly. We had to take incredible steps to keep them safe and we have managed to do just that. We also had enormous support from our therapist to be compassionate and enforce a safety plan. No holding anyone down or forcing them to comply. We supported our children that were victims, we listened, we helped them be more in control of their own bodies, we taught them to stand up for themselves b/c they deserve to be safe. We worked with our other child to feel worthy of a healthy relationship, take responsibility for her actions, we took away her power over the other children, and showed her we would love her no matter her behavior and feelings.

I am more than happy to answer any questions you may have. I try very hard to understand your point of view and the fact you are reading horror stories about this treatment. Those people deserve to go to prison for abusing their children. We do not do those things. One of my children has told me numerous times that she feels out of control when she is raging and she feels safe when I hold her. She has told my other children that it doesn’t hurt and they do not need to worry about her when she is in a hold. Of course this is not at the time of the hold b/c she is thrashing violently trying to hurt me or herself. AT in our lives is gentle and loving. Restraints suck. I avoid them at all costs. They are a necessary part of our lives to keep a couple of my children in our home safely. There is no anger used or rage forced. Only 3 of my children have ever needed to be held, the other 6 have NEVER acted in a way that I worried. Several of them are emotionally disturbed and have attachment issues. They do not attack so they are not held.

The name of my blog, Finishing off my Family, was supposed to be funny. I began it when we were looking for what we felt would be the final members. I had no idea that I would have children with such severe mental illnesses and my life would be in jeopardy today. Kinda ironic that my son has murderous thoughts due to his “real” illness, Schizo-Affective Disorder.

First Loves

Some of the emotional roller coaster I was hoping to avoid with this brief hospitalization has happened anyway. Last night, Patches screamed for about 45 minutes that we all hate her, I stole her from her parents, and the bus driver and teacher told her they loved her and wish they could take her home. The last statement seems harmless but is one of the worst things that they can hear. Her entire world crumbles b/c there is an out. She can can give up working hard on her issues. She can start over. There is also the threat that they could take her. We, as adults, know that isn't possible but she doesn't. She believes they love her and want her to live with them. I am positive the bus driver and teacher meant no harm. They meant it as a compliment. They can't imagine the damage that one sentence can do to. She became violent and threw a butter knife past a child's head into the sink. I do not think she was trying to hurt anyone. She was mad. She then slammed the broom on the table and threw it at me. She eventually calmed enough to do her chore and go to bed but at therapy this morning it went back into full swing.

It took her a minute to go off but she made 2 small holes with her fists, threw a therapeutic toy across the room, kicked the door many times and scared the people in the waiting room, shoved the sofa and stuffed chair around the room, knocked over the video camera, threw her glasses and the therapist's cell, and ripped the speaker system wires out of the wall. What she did do was admit she loves her other mother, she didn't break the glasses, she didn't try to really hurt herself, she didn't try to jump out the window, and she let me hug her and support her at the end. To most this seems ridiculous. This child just destroyed a room and some very expensive equipment. She also said she felt better, she heard me say that I'm not giving up. I do not like to see her get that angry but she does this on her own, no one pushes her to her limit. Life has a way of doing this on it's own. She had been asked if she would sit next to me, something she normally does without hesitation. She was looking for a reason to let her anger out. When I touched her leg she jumped off the sofa and into the corner in a fetal position. As we tried to figure out what was going on she became more aggressive when we hit on something. From what we can tell, after 3 + years with her, she is triggered by the changing of the season. In the past, it has been warmer this month and since the temps dropped lately, her emotional cycle came earlier. I think Michael's recent hospitalization and the trial had some to do with it, too. There is definitely something with the weather.

When all of this was happening this morning at the therapist's office, Ruthie went off here at home. I tried to help Rosa see the bright side of things, she was trying to help her sister practice her take down procedures. They kids were asked to pick up their rooms since they look like a tornado went through there every night. Ruthie went off. She's not even sure what the heck happened. Rosa is the last person to do a restraint. She hates them. I have taught her how b/c it is a necessary requirement in our home to protect the other children as well as the psychotic child. I heard Ruthie in the background when Rosa called, I knew she was escalating and going to require an intervention. You know how you learn the different noises and cries of your new little baby? It's the same with an older child, I know what each sound means and can usually predict which cries will escalate. Ruthie told me later that she feels safe enough around Rosa now that she knows she will hold her to keep her safe when she can't control herself. I'm sure Rosa is so happy about that. LOL When I got home she let me have it a bit and moved on.

My son came in really late last night. He made sure to find me and talk with me about hi experience. He is with older kids b/c chronologically, he is 9. I am sure before long he will be transferred to the younger group where he will fit in much better. He tends to enjoy being considered a "baby" in any situation. It's not a good thing for him.

I was checking my email and accepted a friend request of the sister of my first love. He died in a car accident while we were dating. It was one of those moments that affect you forever. I think of him often and still after all these years, talk to him. Not sure if he is listening or even can, but he has helped me through more in my life than I can tell you. Just the picture of him on her FB brought me to tears, instantly sobbing. It is something that I will never heal from, a loss that shook my world. It's a love that never had the chance to fade and that still aches many years later. He was beautiful, funny, and the most engaging person I have ever met. He had overcome so much in his short life and was an inspiration to me. He was also the person that introduced me to my husband. He insisted in the weeks prior to his accident, I had to meet this guy. He kept telling me how funny he was and how I would love him. Of course not in the way that I do. I didn't actually meet my husband until after he passed. We were friends for many years before dating but I always think back to when he told me all about him and how great he was and smile knowing he'd approve.

I have a lazy weekend planned. I still have 8 boxes of winter clothes to pull in and wash b/c it is getting chilly here. I have to go through the Halloween boxes to pick out costumes. The best part of my weekend will be the naps I plan on taking both days. We are about to go down now.

Relief

I had the best meeting today with that agency. I was almost moved to tears as they explained what they could do for me. They will handle the school, period. I was told not to give it a second thought. They would put into place all the things I need to survive at home in the IEP b/c his emotional stability at home directly affects his educational success. They understood completely. They know how to work the system and work for the child not the school. If that wasn't enough, they will help me with filing for Social Security, forcing the state to provide respite, find a meeting for me with NAMI and one for Rosa to cope with her history, offered to refer us to the Food Bank, free daycare for the 2 little girls, and they will staff a meeting with DFCS, Juvenile Courts, Police, and the school to be sure we are taken care of and everyone is on the same page. Their next question threw me off. They wanted to know what I do for me. I don't. It's that plain and simple. Nothing. I can't. I don't complain b/c it's my choosing. I chose to adopted them all and I knew they would have to come first. I must admit, I am a little excited to find something to do alone. Does sleeping count? I am exhausted and that would be nice. I took their offers for help in every area except daycare and the food bank. I can't do that to the baby but it would be tempting and I got food covered.

Michael is being released today! I pick him up in an hour and run him over to be admitted in the partial hospitalization program next door. Ava, Ruthie, and Patches have all been a part of it. He will leave here for school in the morning and be picked up from school by the program. He will stay at the hospital until bed time and they will drop him off. They will do his homework, have group and individual therapy, and feed him. We will get to see him and get a break at the same time. They will monitor his meds and symptoms, too.

Something is about to happen in our home that I never thought would. I believe that everyone has a right to do as they wish int heir own home, with their own family. I just have never been in this position before and given my son's issues, I am a bit freaked out. Rosa will be issued her gun today. She asked if she would be allowed to leave it at the academy but they told her no. They told her she wouldn't have bullets, it comes with 3 safety measures (I think a pin, a chain, and a locked box). She will also be keeping it in our fire proof safe. I am sure it will be fine. They will not have access to it but I am worried their fascination will begin. Rosa turned away from the Director and said, "Perfect. Now all I have to do is keep the kids form burying it in the yard".

Forever

I wish I could say today was better. It wasn't. I am exhausted, not hungry, and have a nagging headache. My son's teachers contacted me today through email and phone. I was careful to tell her he'd be back by Friday but didn't share the reason he was hospitalized with his primary teacher. She was the one that emailed so I was able to go back and erase the entire thing over and over until it was simple and w/o emotion. I didn't fare so well with the Resource Teacher. She has had him for the last 3 school years and followed us over form the last school. She works with Ella and Michael and asked where he was. Ella lowered her head and smiled but wouldn't answer so she became concerned and called. I let her have it. I feel bad. I should have kept my mouth shut but the moment she said how surprising it was that they never saw anything, I lost it. I told her that was the problem. My kids don't trust them, Ella couldn't share it with her. They fear removal. They are sleeping on my damn floor at night b/c they are terrified and feel unstable. They don't see his issues b/c he doesn't share it with them. He is afraid of their response. So much more that I should have kept bottled up. I wish she hadn't called.

Our new Case Manager from the therapists' office is fantastic. She has a daughter that had a stroke and she was treated the same way we are being treated. We discovered yesterday that she used to work with my Mother and was laid off. She remembers hearing about the kids. She contacted a really cool advocacy group that will help mediate between the school and I. I hope it works. They will help with the IEP process for 5 of the kids. The best part is they are free! I have to meet her there at 9 tomorrow to sign paperwork.

My DH went to see Michael. He was tired and asked to end the visit early. He says he is ready to come home.

Michael's AT called late tonight and we discussed what we need to do to help him. He agrees RTC is the obvious choice but understands my reluctance. He feels that the trial put him over the edge. He feels there shouldn't be any further traumatic events to do this to him. Hopefully, we will be able to decrease his meds again in the future. He thinks I can manage here with a few more precautions in place. We will talk about it over the next month while he is in the partial treatment program and get things in order.

I know most think I am stupid for keeping him here. They think I should listen to all the doctors and professionals but I feel further damage will be done if I make him go. The girls need him here. When he is gone for just a few days, they melt down. Ruthie is in the fetal position when his name is mentioned. Ella and Ava cry when I asked if they wanted to call him. Patches is shutting down in school. They need him. I promised them that I was forever. It is abandonment all over for them. It doesn't matter he will come back or that we go see him, he wouldn't be living here. He will feel I kicked him out b/c of his behavior. He will feel unloved. He needs me. He needs to be reassured by me daily that I love him and he is OK. I am afraid if he leaves his family, he will find it even harder to return to us. Being in a family is hard for him. Especially with the siblings that trigger all his worst fears and worst behaviors. He needs to learn to cope not run. I worry that in the future I will have to agree but for now I will let them go through the process and make my own adjustments here hoping to make it work.

The psychiatrist called. My son admitted his hallucinations are telling him to kill me. This is the first time he has openly admitted that. He had slipped and told me but since denied it. I always worry I have over reacted and taken my child to the hospital for stitches they didn't need, a CAT scan that wasn't necessary, or a hospitalization that could have waited. He assured me this needed to happen. I was in real danger if this had escalated.

The doctor feels that Residential Treatment is necessary. They want to start the paperwork. I will have the option to change my mind at any time but since it takes so long, they want to start. I am not on board with RTC. I still feel we can adjust his meds here and keep trying. We do share the concern that he is on a lot of meds. He is hesitant to increase them but he agrees with his regular doctor and the therapist and will be increasing his anti psychotic. There are no easy answers. I hate all my choices. I love my son and want him home.

Thank You All

We have received so many cards and boxes. The kids have never been so excited about anything. We are all overwhelmed by your generosity. They loved the handmade cards and bracelets, they have saved them in their special drawer. I took them shopping to spend the money and they told the cashier where they got it from. She didn't understand when they told her they were famous and popular so money came in the mail. I left it alone and giggled to myself. They have run circles around the yard after eating the candy and lollipops. The boxes that were sent by Chloe (and her Mom) and Kate were thrilling to them. They didn't fight a moment over anything. They shared and took turns. They baby has figured out that good things come in the mail and now begs to check it every hour. She then throws herself on the floor and gives her lungs a workout when I suggest we wait until the post lady comes. I can't thank you all enough for the joy you spread around here. Your heartwarming cards and letters made us all cry. You have done way more than I ever expected or hoped for. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I am so tired I could fall asleep standing. I will update about my son later. All went well last night. He did deny having any murderous thoughts until I reminded him he was safe and not in trouble. He wouldn't unless I would hold hm. He is so scared to tell professionals what is going on. I am sure this is normal but it is frustrating. I am concerned about how the school will react to this. Not concerned enough to call them.

Going to the ER

I'm taking Michael to be admitted at a psychiatric facility. He is still struggling with feeling the need to stab me or kill me. He doesn't wan to go but says he needs to. He thinks about it from the moment he steps in from school. He has been trying to hide it from me. He thinks "they" are going to make him do it.

An Award

I have received numerous comments on my post to Anonymous. I would love to thank each and every one of you that commented. Your support lifts my spirits. I love all the quirky, sarcastic, and funny remarks you all have left throughout, too. I am never offended by them and most times, they make me giggle when I need it the most. I have said so many times, I hate feeling defensive. I am going to leave it at that.

My son brought home an award this week. It was for Obedience. Anyone else laugh?

Tomorrow we are having a birthday party for Kiera and her birth family. We rented a pavilion across the state, near their home. I am nervous. Both side will be there. The maternal side has not been nice. They feel we stole the baby. The maternal aunt and uncle that had her before us will be there, too. Kiera's mother is worried they will be mean. I have promised to make sure they aren't rude to her or they will be asked to leave. How could I let someone be mean to my child's mother? Won't happen on my watch, I can assure you. I hope things go smoothly but she isn't so sure herself. I am bringing all the kids and both my mother and MIL promise to come. I can't wait for her mother to see her, more than that, to hear her. She talks so much and has changed since they last saw her.

Michael is still sick. He is nice and calm. I am trying to wait as long as he can to take him in. I am sure we will get to that point but he will be heartbroken if he misses her party. I know he can hold himself together there b/c people will be nearby.

At Least It's on Tape

Michael was sitting in my lap in therapy and told the AT he was fine. He didn't need to go to the hospital. The AT is smarter than that and excused himself, leaving the camera on. I asked Michael what was going on and he admitted he was afraid to tell the therapist. I asked him what he was afraid of and he said that he knew he was going to send him to the hospital. We talked about what he wanted and needed. He claims he needs to go to but is scared. He feels so bad that he is so mean to me.

After about 5 minutes, the AT returned. He had heard it all but wanted Michael to tell him himself. Michael was brief but direct. He thinks about killing me and himself. He thinks someone is going to make him do it. He claims he thinks about it all the time, angry or not. He feels really bad about hurting me and wants to be safe.

We agreed to hospitalization in 24 hours, if it continues. He was warm during the session and I realized he was running a fever so I am sure we are good at least until that runs it's course. We went over what we needed to do to make sure we are all safe until then. All the sharp objects are hidden and we informed the kids they needed to turn in all scissors and other related items.

I am worried about him. I am not worried about me. I fear he will think I am abandoning him when he needs me most. He told me he knows I love him more than anyone else b/c I always forgive him and tell him he is still a good boy.

The AT assigned us a case manager. She lives in our direction and will help coordinate efforts with the school. They are very concerned but this is a common situation for them and their clients. I am hopeful this will get better soon.

I have a couple of emails that I keep trying to get to but I am drowning. I promise to try tonight when they are lined up on my floor sleeping.

Keeping Him Safe

My son is not handling things very well. I've mentioned that he isn't eating well and is being a butt to everyone. Tonight he kicked the stair and I fell on top of him. He's fine. I got a scrape on my knee but I will live. After he freaked out in his room for an hour, skipped dinner, and ripped the last blind off his window he finally broke down. When I went back up there, I asked him if he was alright now and he agreed he wanted to tell me something. I sat on his bed and he cried for a few minutes. Then he told me he is afraid he is going to kill me with a gun or a knife. Then he told me he thinks about it all the time. He is also worried he may kill himself the same way. He claims he thinks someone will make/tell him to do it and he will have to. He claims he is not hearing voices or seeing anyone. He says he is still hearing clapping and music. He also told me awhile ago that the scary man told him to not to tell me anymore one night when he was raging. I'm not sure what to believe. I think he is being honest, maybe I'm just hoping.

We ended the conversation with the promise to continue to hide the knives. We have therapy tomorrow and Michael wants me to discuss hospitalization, again. He has no plan to hurt. He fears he will. I do not think they will keep him. I think the stress of the trial is making him worry about losing me. He begged me to still love him. He sobbed he hates he is mean to me. I rocked him and told him he was such a good boy, that I'll always love him, and forgive him. I only want to see him happy and safe. He is currently sleeping on the floor at my feet. He can't leave my side. I am not worried for my safety. I'll let you know when I am.

Dear Anonymous

I appreciate the fact you took the time to read the entire blog before commenting on it. I think you have misunderstood a few things. Attachment Therapy does have a terrible wrap. There have been a few wackos that went off on their own and tried some things that proved dangerous and even deadly to the children they were trying to help. We do not agree with or even recognize it as AT. There is a lot of proof it helps, I can see a huge difference in my children. OUR therapist's way is very simple, I hold my child in my lap and my arms around them. Like you hold a baby but they are much bigger. We talk. It's not a restraint nor even tight. In fact, they hold me way tighter during the session than I hold them. It is a hug of sorts. They could get down and move to a more comfortable position anytime. They love it. They love the attention and snuggles they get. We recently showed the Jury a tape of it and they commented to the A.D.A. how sweet it looked. It helps my children feel loved and safe enough to talk about the ugly/scary things. It is very normal looking and feeling. We do not do any re birthing or force any power over on them. They have control over what we talk about and how we proceed. It is very empowering for THEM. None of it is about me. It is about what they need and what I am willing to do to help them. We tried traditional therapy and it didn't work. They did not trust people or therapists. Still have problems with that. They trust me more than anyone and it builds on that. Now that they do trust me, they are learning to trust others. It is taking forever b/c we are undoing a lifetime of abuse. They still have moments they think I will hurt them regardless of my demeanor or words. All of the professionals/therapists that know/knew our children told us to run not walk to AT.

We do encourage them to give up control over some things and encourage them to take control over more appropriate things. My children do things like refuse to eat b/c they are mad to have control. They are allowed to eat or not, I expect them to join us at the table or at least, the room. It is still not forced. We do not force control over things like what they wear, their hair, how they do things or what order they do them, and many other normal activities and things in their life. We try to help them learn to trust us by proving we are trust worthy. A day in my home and the last thing you would think is I force any of them to give up their power. We work hard to show them they are in control of themselves. They can not control every one else by raging for hours and holding us all hostage without consequences. We do not spank, threaten to beat, lock them in their room, or restrict them. We wait until THEY are done, unless they are in danger or attacking another person we do not intervene a tantrum physically, they are expected to pay restitution. They will all tell anyone (when they are not tantruming) that the way I restrain them does not hurt them, I am the one that gets injured if any one is hurt and I gladly take that so they aren't further traumatized. I am only holding them to protect them and others. In fact, last night my son threw a plate at my head. He was not restrained b/c he didn't continue to hit, scratch, chase another child to beat them, try to cut himself with a fork, or ram his body into the glass window. Those are all reasons I would hold him, if he tries to kill us, harm us physically, or himself in a deadly way. A hole in the wall is not cause for a restraint. Hollering nasty things wouldn't even get my attention. I try to make sure they are only used when I have to protect us from serious bodily harm. Most of them have seriously injured me in a rage. The guilt they had to deal with was devastating. They have yelled at me that I'm not keeping them safe b/c I haven't moved to restrain them so I must not care about them. Patches is clear, it makes her feel safe. It is hard to accept if you haven't heard it from it from her mouth. If they break something that belongs to someone else, they replace it. They are expected to clean up after themselves and often do w/o a word from me. If they keep us in a public place with a tantrum, they may have to help out with extra chores that needed to be done during the time we were stuck there. Most consider what we require too little. Most want to punish their misbehaving child. We do not. We understand they have problems and have an extremely difficult time regulating their emotions. We constantly tell them how proud we are when they do and point out how much better they did when they lose it. We also talk about how they feel. What do they think they could have done differently to prevent it from happening. We always forgive them. ALWAYS.

It is difficult to understand our life and others like us when you only have your own experiences to draw from. Normal well adjusted children. We do not wish or encourage them to act out at school. It is something I complain about here b/c I can. I am proud they have been able to control themselves there. It wasn't always that way. They have worked hard. My only issue with it is that it makes it even more difficult for people to understand how hard they have it at home. It is b/c they were abused by the very people that were supposed to help them. They are constantly triggered by normal, every day activities that occur in every home. They have severe PTSD from their birth homes. The school secretary is simple. She feeds his baby talk, she bribes him, she rewards him for lying to her, and more. I am not the only one that thinks this woman crosses lines. I want their teachers to like my children. I do not want them to tell them they love them and wish they could take them home. My children think it is an invitation to move in. It has happened to them before. It is confusing for THEM. All kids threaten to run away or want another family, I am never offended by this. I am concerned when they make plans to send me to jail so they can go live with their teacher. Imagine the stress of having to hide a part of you from the rest of the world. Imagine the shame of feeling you can't be yourself with the people you spend most of the day with. They are afraid they will find out. They are afraid they will hate them. I try to teach them there is nothing to be ashamed of. It is very common for children with the issues and background mine have to do this. It is so uncommon in general society that is is not believed by most. It is pushed off as a poor mother or crazy woman trying to make her kids sicker than they are. We all crave to be accepted. I am no different. I wish others could see this side for a moment to understand their struggles better. B/c they don't' see it, they don't think I am credible regarding other things surrounding my children. It doesn't feel good to my children b/c people make it obvious they don't believe me, they go out of their way to "make it up" to my child.

I do not demand obedience. That would be impossible for them to achieve. I give them choices. Usually, a good choice and a bad choice. They can do things at their own pace. I suggest they may want to do it in a timely manner to avoid missing out on such and such. We try to make the consequence a natural one. For example, every one needs to do their chore before we watch the movie. I give them ample time then start it. If they are not done, they miss that part, if they are done, they get to watch. No punishment. No screaming. No anger. They are welcome to take their time. I expect they do their fair share. They each have a small chore. Our chores are things like vacuum the LR, take out the trash, clear off the stairs, pick up the bathroom, wipe off the table, unload the dishes, and sweep the kitchen floor. They are small chores compared to most households b/c they each have one and there are so many kids.

Because of their sexual abuse, we are very careful about their ability to have complete control over their bodies. We do not force anything. We give them the good and bad or why it is needed and wait for them to agree. We teach them ways to feel safe. We practice ways to keep themselves safe and ways to handle situations. The leaps and bounds they have made in this area is shocking. Ruthie alone is one of the more traumatized and yet she is the most confident now. She is a safe child. I couldn't be more proud of her.

Their mental illnesses were brought on early b/c of their traumatic lives. We are focused on the sexual abuse b/c it is what puts all our children at risk today. We have to closely monitor their sexually acting out. They are focused on it all on their own. We do not bring it up. They do. They know other children do not worry about their privates tingling or if the nice teacher will touch them in the bathroom. Other children do not worry they will want to touch their friend's penis or won't be able to quit thinking about it. We let them lead the way. If we see them struggling, we ask what is wrong. We can tell by their body language that they are uncomfortable and we never push them to talk about anything. They want to talk to me. They feel better knowing they can share the tough topics and I never judge them. I accept all their issues, they are not who they are just something they have done or something that has happened to them.

I do a lot of venting here. Most my children did not know most of this ever bothered me or that it was any kind of issue. I do not throw their disabilities in their face. EVER. I do explain why some things are hard for them. They deserve to know. They ask. They do not know most of the terms I use here to clarify things to my readers. I would never tell them they were not normal or suggest they were perfect. They feel they are different. I tell them they are perfect for me, everyone is crazy in their own way, and I assure them nothing can change he way I feel. I point out all their strengths constantly. We have changed strategies many times and what works for one child does not work for the other. They are each a complex little person with their own personality. We let them decide what they don't like about their behaviors and what we focus on. My son tells me all the time he wishes he was nicer to me b/c I am nice to him. We search out professionals with experience and get their thoughts, ideas, and opinions. I am sorry if I haven't been clear but I feel you have grossly misjudged our intentions and actions. Please consider that I only write part of our story. You do not get all the wonderful times we share and all the details of the very bad things. I share a lot here but it is not nearly enough for you to fully understand the complexity of our home and children. They are each praised and adored. They can't accept it. I promise them to keep trying to help them believe. I know I have rambled quite a bit and I apologize. I hope I don't sound like I am attacking back b/c that is not my intention. I see that I need to be more be more clear in the future.

I welcome any comments or issues with anything I say or do. I will not allow anyone to hide behind Anonymous anymore. Tell me who you are. If you want to share your thoughts, it's only fair I know who's doing it. I do not expect or even want every one to agree with me. How could I learn from to hers if I wasn't willing to hear their points? I have noticed in the last few weeks I haven't been as positive as I would like. It is just so hard right now. Obviously, I need to try harder.

A Bad Week

I have a random thing that I need to keep track of that most of you won't give a moments care to. Ella fell in the tub last night and bumped her nose. No mark but it is sore. We put ice on it and gave her a dose of ibuprophen. Today she found a spot of blood in her nose and went to the clinic. Emma has a hang nail that has gotten infected and I have been putting neosporin and a bandaid on it for 2 days. She, too, went to the clinic today. My DH was there for both visits b/c he went to drop things off at the office. Michael walked in looked very out of it. My DH asked him why he was there. (We have stopped letting the school give him his meds b/c the lady talks to him like a baby and I no longer feel I can trust them to have added contact with him. She tries to bribe him to be good at home.) He is just stopping by b/c he wants to and he likes the candy she gives him.

The kids are not handling things very well right now. Patches had a very rough night. She destroyed everything. I took pictures. It was very sad. I was impressed that in the middle of the fit she stopped to write a song about me. Of course, it was not something most mother's would like to hear about themselves but I was thrilled she was writing anything. LOL

Ella and Michael are still not eating very well. He is skipping meals completely, up to 2 a day. He is asking for his meds every couple of hours and Ella is asking if I can make her stomach stop hurting. She feels butterflies all the time. Michael, Ava, Ruthie, and Ella are not sleeping very well. For that matter, neither is Kiera. She is having full on nightmares again. It is awful. Michael and Ella are still begging to sleep in our room and are wetting nightly. Ava has had several accidents this week. Life is tough.

They have received an enormous amount of cards! They are so thrilled to check the mail. I took a picture of them opening the first batch. If you could have heard the screams. It was better than Christmas. They think they are famous and popular. Thank you all so much for doing that for them. It has been the only bright spot in a very dark week.

I have been asked by someone how to email me. On the left side of the screen there should be a photo of the kids and it says, "About Me". If you will click on the picture it brings you to my profile and a way to contact me. You may also add me as a friend on Facebook, if you tell me you are from here. I am no longer terrified to be found.

The School, Again!

I can't believe I forgot to mention that I received a certified letter from the school on Saturday informing me they are reporting me to law enforcement for excessive absences. This is due to the trial. I sent a note BEFORE trial explaining the situation and offering the subpoena. If I wasn't sure before, I am now. They are going to be very difficult to deal with. I sent the principal an email requesting the meeting with our AT. I tried to be nice. I am so upset that it isn't wasn't easy. I was blunt about why I wanted it. At this point, I don't care. My DH will going with me tomorrow AM to hand over a letter about their absences with a copy of the subpoena attached.

I had to send Michael and Alyssa to school this morning w/ obvious injuries. I am sure they will report me, again. Michael was helping my DH clean out snake cages last night. He loves to do this. He watches the snake on the floor and tells him if he tries to get away. Sometimes, he holds them. One bit his arm when he tried to move him off his leg. They are not poisonous and usually just lay there. He didn't cry or bet upset. In fact, he laughed and said, "He bit me!". He was surprised but acted like it was some kind of right of passage. He asked me to take a picture of it when it was bloody and he has the biggest grin. Alyssa was hit in the eye with Kiera's new wooden blocks. Not hard, she didn't even say anything when it happened. It was an accident. The next morning, she woke with a black eyelid. Rosa laughed and announced she was glad she wasn't the one that would have to home school them all after this. Nice. I guess I will need to document every boo boo for awhile. Oh goodie.

Chat Rooms

No matter how much I spout information about internet predators and try to monitor her online activity, she is still convinced they are all 15. She is a smart girl. Really smart about some things. I guess this is not one of the those things.

We received another text on her cell this morning. We have taken it and it will be shut off soon. This one asked for a naked picture. Very clear. No "Hey, how are you?". Just "Can I see you naked?". I called the number back and no answer. I asked her about it and she met him in a chat room. She has tried to text him and call him a bunch a few months ago but he never picks up. Wonder why? He probably is afraid his 40 yr old manly voice will give him away. I am amazed a how she is able to do this with so many of us around her the entire time she is on the computer. I am assuming she is appropriate online and then takes it to another level off line through texts. I am so sad for her.

Last night, I spoke with their paternal aunt. They still are holding out for his innocence. It has been very hard on them b/c they went through this 15 yrs ago with his father. A strange comment was made that we were the foster parents of their father's sisters when they were young. This is not true. We are too young and never had sisters. I'm not sure why she would lie like that. Weird, huh?

Victim Impact Statements

The kids have been asked to write the Judge about their feelings and thoughts before the sentencing. It is so much harder than I thought it would be. I expected tears and emotions but I didn't expect the out pour of love they need to express to their parents. We have always encouraged them that they can love their parents even if they have done terrible things. In every letter except Cyr's , they have written they love him and miss him at least once. One child wrote it at least 3 times.

My son hasn't really eaten since the trial. He claims he just isn't hungry. Ava, Ella, and Michael are still in my room with nightmares. They can't stop talking about it. Ella is constantly bringing up the trial and that she didn't see her father in the court room.

Alyssa, Eddie, and Gia welcomed their new baby brother into the world Tuesday. Their father has not seen them in 2 months. Both of those combined with the stress about the trial makes for poorly behaved children. Alyssa is out right disobedient. Eddie is back to peeing on himself but has added a sweet attitude with lots of compliments to me. Gia refuses to use the potty. She has pooped her self multiple times a day for several days. It's weird watching them regress after so much improvement since they got here. Especially Alyssa. She is driving all the kids insane and embarrassed us at the store the other day. She pushes their buttons by showing her butt to them and even took off her shorts and underwear to pee outside. It freaks them out and she knows it. I am hoping she will talk more about her feelings this week instead of acting out. I can't blame them, I would be angry, too, if my Dad just stopped visiting and had a new baby he found the time to go see.

A New Home

Like many others, I simply love reading other's blogs. It comforts me to see so many other mothers struggling with the same issues we face every day. One blog speaks of a young boy that I connect with my very own angry boy. I think the world of this mother. Please go read, provide support to this family, and help if you can.

My kids are having a tough time wrapping their little heads around prison. They feel guilty, happy, sad, safe, and angry. They don't seem to be able to focus on just 1 or 2 an hour, they are flopping all over the place. Lots of tears last night when we told them he was found guilty. We decided against explaining that some were not guilty. It would be too confusing and they might feel like they had not been believed or failed in some way. They didn't have many questions. They cried from dinner to bed time. We still have some in our room. My son, in his usual fashion, screamed, fought, threatened, and destroyed things. After that he crawled in my arms and squalled for half an hour. He wishes, like many of us, that it never happened, they had been able to be good parents so he could live with them, and he didn't have to be so violent like his father. He is terrified he will do the same things he did. So am I. If I am not careful, I can see myself sitting in the courtroom on the other side of the room supporting one of my children at the defense table. We also didn't go into a lot of details about sentencing. We are not sure what it will be so we do not want to get their hopes up or crush them any further.

Not What We Hoped for

We began Monday afternoon, I was first. I was shaking so hard my notes were visibly moving. I tried to keep them inside the witness box so they wouldn't see them. I answered the A.D.A.'s questions the best I could and looked directly at the Jury every time I spoke. I was asked my name and who I was before she started getting to the abuse. I gave a brief description of each child and explained our dream of an open adoption. I gave the time line of the reported sexual abuse and their acting out with each other. The Defense Attorney cross examined me with just a few questions. I felt my body tense up and turned in his direction. He tried to get me to jumble up the dates and find out if other children were in the previous foster homes. It irritated me b/c I thought he was going to come at me. He never did and I was excused but not released. In case you are like me, I had no idea the Defense Attorney could basically hold me hostage out side of court for no reason. He simply claimed he may call me back up. I missed ALL the testimony. I was unable to hear what anyone else said until I was released and couldn't talk about the trial at all, for days.

Later, I was told who said what but it is never everything and each time I ask a new question I hear new testimony. Both of the fantastic detectives were after me. They spoke about the interviews the children had all the evidence they had gathered. They adjourned the first day.

First thing Tuesday, the kids lined up and testified. Cyr, Ella, Patches, Ruthie, Michael, and Ava. Some cried, some didn't shed a tear. One stared at him the entire time sobbing, another never saw him, most looked at the last minute and broke down. One refused to answer the hard stuff and lied to her siblings about it. One cried often and spoke of her own guilt for not protecting them from him. It was very hard to keep my own tears from falling down. I knew I had to be strong for them. If I broke down and sobbed, they would be lost. A few fell but I never lost control.

After they were done, their mother was next. She sobbed. She had a hard time telling all the truth but did manage to back them up. She did deny they had sex around the kids even though the kids all readily admit they did it in front of them.

Both our ATs were next. My DH and every man in the court room stared at Miss C. He swears he heard music as she strutted to the witness stand. He thinks it's so cool that our male AT looks so straight arrowed but loves heavy metal. Both were informational and explained about PTSD, Attachment, and trauma. They are specialists in sexual abuse. Mr. Jeff spoke about the disclosures and Miss C said there had been none in her sessions. She must have forgotten about the one that my child revealed she had been touched and it wasn't just the other kids.

The State continued with one of the ladies that interviewed the children for the officers. The taped interviews followed her. I heard it they were very hard to watch. Michael and Ruthie couldn't sit still in the video. At one point, the interviewer left the room and Ruthie went over and picked up the chair she had been in. Who knows why. It was typical Ruthie. LOL The State rested.

The Defense was pitiful. He was innocent. They called Shirley, their other mother. The woman that tried to keep them together, love them for the time she had them, and to this day keeps in touch to be sure they know they were loved. Without her and her husband, there is no way Patches would be able to live in a family. She opened her home back up to take her when no other foster home in that county would. She was too severe. Shirley didn't think twice. Her testimony was about some pictures she had taken of the kids many years ago in the tub, from the waist up. It was stupid. The CW at the time didn't see anything wrong with them when he had reported it then. She spoke of the sexual acting out the children did in her home and was let go.

He took the stand. He said, "No, Sir" to every question. He denied any involvement. He looked like an idiot. He is an idiot. The Defense rested.

The Defense Attorney tried to convince the Jury that I had told the other kids what I had been told by one child and convinced them all to say it. That it was too incredible to believe their parents put porno on the TV and then had sex in front of the kids. Somehow, they had confused another abuser with him or hallucinated all the abuse. He was grasping.

The A.D.A. was moving. She went through each charge on a chart and showed how many people had collaborated the it. It was clear. She spoke for several minutes about all that had been said there and why they should believe. She said, "The truth is never easy and is sometimes hard to believe". (Or it was close. I was so upset I can't remember her exact words.) It was perfect. My DH and I looked at each other the first time she said it. It explained a lot. She made the mistake of looking at me, her voice cracked and she was visibly upset. Several Jurors left with tears in their eyes just before 3 PM Wednesday.

At 5PM, the Judge called them back in. They needed more time and one juror had to go get her child. He let them go but asked they return the next morning. It was hard to leave without answers. It was a hard night. We returned this morning at 9AM. I noticed the Jurors were making eye contact with me. They were light hearted and were heard laughing several times within their private room. They slipped a note to the Judge about 10:30 AM and asked to have some of the testimony from their mother, one of out ATs and Ella read to them. This technology wasn't available so they went back to work on it. Before they were released for lunch they had a verdict. I was the first to hear they were ready and the first back in the courtroom. I was shaking. My DH and their maternal Gma sat on both sides of me. They didn't make eye contact with us and I was worried. The A.D.A. and Detective looked worried. It didn't look good. The Judge seemed to rearrange the papers for an eternity. Then we heard the each charge being read. The first ones were "Not Guilty" and I had a hard time keeping up. There were so many charges, some Guilty and some Not Guilty. I was upset for a minute. I tried to accept they had fond him Not Guilty on some of the most obvious charges. It then occurred to me that they really never heard all the evidence I knew to be true. They didn't know this was the 4th generation of sexual predators, he had done this to his own sisters, or that his own sister had seen their red bottoms long ago.

When they were done, they filed out single file. Most had tears in their eyes or broke down as they stepped away. One juror walked up to me and hugged my neck. She whispered, "I hope you children find peace with this". I bawled. It turned out these poor people had struggled very hard b/c they knew he had done all the things they were told. They wanted to convict him on all the charges. They couldn't on a few. Their father was convicted of 9 counts of Child Molestation and 1 count of Aggravated Sexual Battery on a child. The Judge mentioned the stiff mandatory sentences, they would be 115 years. He would die in prison. I am not sure what he will sentence them both to but we will fond out October 29th. Stay tuned.

I want to mention a few words about our incredible Victim's Advocate, Jenny. Without her we would have been lost. She is a wonderfully sweet woman that is very good at her job. I think this position is not flashy or given much credit. She was entertaining and supportive. She knew our needs before we did. She was the best part.

An Update

I have been sequestered for the last 3 days and was unable to tell you anything. I was released today and was able to listen to closing arguments. He has no defense. He denies everything. The A.D.A. is amazing. During her closing statements, she made me cry and then she looked at me and I made her cry, twice. The jury went into deliberation around 3. At 5 PM they told the judge they needed another hour but he let them go for the day b/c one of the jurors had to pick up her child. We will have to go up again. It looks good. Based on what little information they gave the judge, it seemed they were all in agreement and they needed the time to discuss each individual charge. There are 19 of them, 1 Agg CM, 3 Agg Sexual Battery of a child, 15 CM. They should take their time.

While we were waiting, we were approached by both detectives, investigators, other A.D.As, and family members. Every one feels for the kids. The case is terribly disturbing to hear. The first day there was hardly anyone in the courtroom. By day 3, every row had had people. An investigator told us people were stopping by as the word spread. He is sure the Foreman will make a statement to the media. He is well known in the area, for good reasons. They also told us about a disagreement that almost came to blows between a family member and some lady watching the show.

Kids are hanging in there. I promise to update properly, after the verdict.

They Won't Make a Deal For Less Than

80 years!! I think I forgot that part the other day. They feel he has nothing to lose and will go to trial instead. They have a very strong case and feel they do not need to accept anything less than the rest of his life.

Book Lover and Kate offered to send the kids some support via the USPS. It got me thinking and I made a wish on Wish Upon a Hero asking for people to send them a card. They never receive mail and this would be such a surprise for them. I tell them of your well wishes and prayers but to actually see it would make a huge impact. Please click on the link above if you would like to join in their efforts. If you would like, feel free to link this post in your blog. The more the merrier.