Friday, March 26, 2010

Screw Honesty

Ruthie has a beautiful hot pink cast on her foot. She did indeed separate the growth plates on her left foot.

I missed the conference that I was supposed to speak at because they ran out of time. They will be doing a second part shortly to and I will be asked back then. They raved about the taped sessions we had done and felt everyone got so much from seeing us in action.

I took Ella to pick up her new pink hearted braces. She is thrilled to wear them and show them off.

We had a frank discussion at dinner that began about compulsions, moved onto their feelings about their sexual acting out amongst each other, and landed on how they really don't love me. They were being honest. No one was mad or upset. Three feel no connection to me, at all. Patches said if her teacher asked her to live with her, she go and not look back. Ruthie is the one that started it and said I don't feel like a mom to her. She likes me but not like a mom. Ava was afraid she would have to leave and when I promised no way, she confessed she likes me but doesn't love me. None of them think they ever will. They all like me, for the most part. They think I would protect them most of the time. They do not feel like a part of our family. They do want to stay with their siblings but if it meant going somewhere else, that would be fine.

My heart broke. I thought we were doing so well. I didn't have the heart to ask Michael to join the conversation. Cyr heard it and tried to help them understand what they were saying when it became all too clear, they knew and were telling the truth.

The children I pour my heart and soul into don't love me. They feel I am replaceable and probably with a better model. Damn, it hurts worse than I thought.

12 comments:

Lisa said...

Sending you a gazillion gigantic hugs.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tudu}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Dee said...

I'm sorry their honesty hurt you (it would have devasted me). Maybe try to look at where they came from to understand the difficulty they have with trust and love. I love reading your blog and think you are a great, lovingand nurturing mom to your family. Keep up the great (exhausting) work. Hopefully one day, they'll get it and appreciate all you've done!

Momof3 said...

God, that has to hurt. I am so sorry.
It is a good sign that they feel safe enough to say what they are feeling though.

And know that this isn't your fault or theirs.

It is also a good sign that they have connections to each other.

Abby said...

That's so heartbreaking to hear, Rachel. I'm so sorry. =(


Is it possible that they don't know what it's "suppose to" feel like to love a mom? A mom who doesn't abuse them, etc.?

Snarky Mom said...

Oh Tudu, that hurts my heart. But I tend to think that they do have love for you. They just don't know what love is or what it should feel like. I know with some of the most abused children I worked with- what they termed as feeling safe was actually love but they just didn't know that's what it was. They'd never had it so they didn't recognize it. I'm sorry you're hurting, I can only imagine.

Kelly said...

I am speechless. ((hugs)) and //prayers\\ to you.

Becky said...

Ouch. I can see why that hurt. I wish I had some great gem of wisdom here but I don't...

So... ((Hugs))

You.amaze.me.

God Bless!

Babs said...

I have had so many times in my life when I didn't feel like I "loved" anyone. It seemed to come and go in cycles for me. I also found it very difficult at some periods to identify and define my own emotions so I thought I just wasn't having that emotion. I was SO wrong. Please don't believe them. I know your heart is broken. I remember when my daughter told me she hated me in fourth grade. OMG. Emotional.Mom.Meltdown. My son's also said he wants to go to fostercare (still had to give me his Xbox and clean his room). Kids can really stomp our hearts.

Kate said...

I am so sorry. I am heartbroken for you. But I think if they were to go live with someone else they would realize the love they do truly have for you.

FosterAbba said...

Ouch.

I'm sorry.

Tara - SanitySrchr said...

I couldn't possibly imagine, but just know that I'm praying for you and the kids.

Lyn said...

Are these particular children capable of real love? *prayers*