They admit they like me. They don't mind being here. They are very clear that I am replaceable with another nice lady. I was very calm and didn't let them know how it felt. I praised them for being able to talk about the hard stuff and feel safe enough that they know I will accept them no matter what. Ava even said, "You told us we didn't have to love you and you have enough love to go around." We talked about what love is. How it feels. How you know and other factors. Each explained it a little different but the same outcome.
Cyr was so shocked by what they said. She doesn't understand it. She said, "How can they call you Mom then?" I helped her remember a time when she called me Mom but didn't like or trust me. It came flooding back and she was silent. She knows exactly how. She trusts me now. She cares how things make me feel and how they effect me. She gets angry when they hurt me or act out. She is attached. She is still working on her boundaries with others but she loves me. She is my inspiration for the others. If she can love me, any of them can.
I'm not sure how all this got past me. I think a big part of my hurt feelings is that I didn't know. I thought we were past all this. I thought they loved me.
This morning we are trying to get to therapy and then to a baby shower for a very old friend of mine's daughter. I haven't seen any of these people in years and have been looking forward to it. I am bringing extra prn meds and praying all will work out. We don't attend any events like this. This will be our first that wasn't strictly family. I'm worried they will pull crap and I will look like a crazy mom. There will be many friends of mine from high school and early 20s. It is the equivalent to a high school reunion but with their families. I keep thinking I should cancel.
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5 comments:
sometimes the hardest part is hearing the truth from them. It does hurt. We can say that it doesn't but it does because we work so hard to help them heal. I hope that the chance to be honest can help them to move on and perhaps with time they will attach. hang in there.
That would hurt anyone. (I think it would tear me open.)
This may sound stupid, but it really mayn't be true. At the age of seven, I couldn't evaluate whether I loved someone, but that was no indication of what came later on :) (and I was a neurotypical, stable, unabused seven-year-old at that!)
I hope the baby shower goes well - it's always nice to catch up with old friends without drama :)
This post brings tears to my eyes because I can relate so much. I understand, and I'm sorry you have to feel this.
You're right, Cyr gives hope.
And the shower? They will think you are a crazy mom. You are, and the smart people will respect you for it. Just accept it and go anyway.
((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
Really, AVA said that? she would have been the last one I would have guessed to say it.
I know it hurts so much.
Hugs and prayers,
Mary in TX
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