I feel like all we do is complain lately so I asked the kids what their favorite part of being in our family was. It was unanimous, Kiera. She is the life of our home. She is a giggle a minute. Of course that minute is after an hour long tantrum for not getting her way but it's such a great minute.
She has a firm grasp on manipulation and uses it to control each of us to do her bidding. I am her channel changer, urine disposer, food source, and I can't forget the taster of all the meals she prepares in her tiny kitchen while holding her latest baby.
My DH keeps her warm, helps her reach up and touch the ceiling at her command, her seat mate at dinner, and her defender when the kids piss her off.
You would really think that Cyr, 13, would be more help than she is with her. Anything she offers to do is far out weighed by her constant giggles when Kiera is mouthing off to me or hits another kid. She is working on that, Cyr not the baby.
Patches adores her. She will do almost anything she says. She can reach Patches' heart with the tiniest whisper "I love you so much" when the rest of us scream it from the roof tops to no avail.
Ruthie would be perfectly content being her mother. In fact, that is her favorite game. It is hard for her to carry Kiera with her cast on but that doesn't stop her from getting on the floor every afternoon and playing puppies.
Michael, like Cyr, thinks her aggressiveness is funny. He refuses to work on it but we are giving him some wiggle room since he also thinks farts are funny. She sees him as her personal wrrestling partner. She pins him so fast he hits his head. He is terrified she will get hurt so he pretty much lays there and takes it.
Emma is still a little shell shocked from the series of biting incidents. She has traumatized Emma and she winces when she tries to get close to her. It will pass and they will be best friends again soon.
Ava is always worried she will get in trouble if the child screams and is constantly held hostage by the darn 2 yr old. Now that is funny. She will rush around trying to get her to stop. She will will become silent the second you give her what you have. Poor Ava.
Ella is also held hostage but with her new found attitude she throws the item on the floor and pouts like she is the 2 yr old. Ella is a sucker for singing with her so she demands things like, "Happy Birthday" or "Sunshine" and she is expected to know where to start in the song and do it immediately. There is always multiple songs in a row and about 1/3 of each is sung, randomly.
It's funny to hear her call them to her and demand they play with her or do their chore. She knows how to work them and if you watch, she will smile afterward. Lately, her thing is to compare everything to her birth sister, Lexie. She will tell them "Lexie likes it" or My Lexie loves me". She is wicked smart, smarter than several of the kids and uses it to her advantage. At some point, I will have to intervene and protect the big kids from her scemes and plans to take over the world. For now though I can be seen darting across the room to save them from her slaps, kicks, and pinches. She is quick and has an amazing ability to find your weakest spot.
She loves to talk on the phone and will always cut you off with "Love you bye". I am the one one that hears the other end profess their love back at her. When she is done, she is done and long gone before you can reply.
I am almost afraid to mention that her nights are improving and she seems to have stopped waking up after every nap or in the morning to 20 minutes of screaming in my ear. She is opening up to having her own bed but only if it is right next to my side. I'm not sure how I will get out of bed but at least I will be able to turn over. I'm sure we are a long way from her sleeping through the night.
She likes to pick out her clothes and has 13 shoes. You read that right, the mates to all the shoes are gone. I think she eats them. She isn't picky about the size of the shoes she wears or who they belong to. More than once I have had to take a screaming child to the van after taking off her Daddy's size 15 flip flops off her feet. You can not explain to her why they aren't appropriate attire over her ear drum rupturing sounds.
That will all come to a halt once she notices her lovey next to her car seat. Anything can be fixed by just the presence of her lovey. She will go back to that sweet little girl we all adore. Usually, she has already begun singing with Ella or making farting sounds for her brother getting him to giggle when he is becoming anxious.
She is the center of our family. She has taught all my other children to be careful and how to care about her tiny life. She has helped them heal in ways I could never do. She has a heavy load to carry here and no one else could do it as well as she does. She loves each one of them "so much" and asks me a hundred times a day when her "guys will be home" from school. The second they run through the door, she jumps up to the table for snack and begins trying to trick them into giving her theirs.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Now That Jennie talked Me down From The Edge
I have a better grip on my emotions and can think a little clearer. What's done is done. We adopted them all. We are keeping them together until WE decide it's not safe anymore.
We will be making some serious changes over the next 6 months. When we move we will be taking hte security cameras to the next level. We will be putting some distance between the few that need it by having their rooms on different levels of the house. This will include multiple play areas instead of just one so they can get away from each other. We will have to figure out a way for him to be home. I can't be alone with them for much longer. It won't be safe as Michael grows and Patches is almost too large for me now.
Financially, this will be a struggle. I'm not sure how or what we will have to do to manage. We will be applying for SSI and expect it to take a year to process. We have been told we can increase their subsidy so we will be trying to do that, as well. It's this or separate homes, for Michael and I. He could take Michael with him. That will be a very last resort even though my DH is fantasizing about having his own bed.
We will be making some serious changes over the next 6 months. When we move we will be taking hte security cameras to the next level. We will be putting some distance between the few that need it by having their rooms on different levels of the house. This will include multiple play areas instead of just one so they can get away from each other. We will have to figure out a way for him to be home. I can't be alone with them for much longer. It won't be safe as Michael grows and Patches is almost too large for me now.
Financially, this will be a struggle. I'm not sure how or what we will have to do to manage. We will be applying for SSI and expect it to take a year to process. We have been told we can increase their subsidy so we will be trying to do that, as well. It's this or separate homes, for Michael and I. He could take Michael with him. That will be a very last resort even though my DH is fantasizing about having his own bed.
Same Advice, Separate Them
Our appointments this morning were horrible. Kiera's always been aggressive and demanding but she was completely out of control during the appointment. I always bring a bag of toys, snacks, and her lovey. She slept well last night and on the way there. She was in a decent mood until she wasn't. About 2 minutes into it she started hitting. It quickly moved to kicking and screaming. There was no ignoring this tantrum. Eventually, I had to have Patches take her to the van and let her scream it out there. I am not kidding. There was no reason for it and she couldn't have been meaner. The psychiatrist even said that is not normal behavior for a 2 yr old. He asked me some questions about her background and then apologized that she can not return for our visits with the other kids. It was that bad.
Overall, he was OK. I have come to terms with never being satisfied with a pdoc. He feels that if the meds are working, then they are the right ones. I had hoped for a little more advice and increase for Patches but not for 3 more months. He added a new med to Michael but warned me that he fears none of them will be OK together long term. He said based on his experience, Patches, Michael, and Ruthie will need to be separated from each other and possibly the family in order to succeed. He tried to back off it a bit and say that he would need to get to know us better before being sure that would hold true for our family. He spoke a lot about how they trigger each other and can't back down. This will continue to worsen. Ruthie's main issue is protecting Michael. She has now added Kiera to that. I can not correct Kiera sternly without her losing her crap.
I go back Thurs with Ruthie and Ava. I am sick about it. I want to lay down and cry myself to sleep. In fact, that's where I am going now.
Overall, he was OK. I have come to terms with never being satisfied with a pdoc. He feels that if the meds are working, then they are the right ones. I had hoped for a little more advice and increase for Patches but not for 3 more months. He added a new med to Michael but warned me that he fears none of them will be OK together long term. He said based on his experience, Patches, Michael, and Ruthie will need to be separated from each other and possibly the family in order to succeed. He tried to back off it a bit and say that he would need to get to know us better before being sure that would hold true for our family. He spoke a lot about how they trigger each other and can't back down. This will continue to worsen. Ruthie's main issue is protecting Michael. She has now added Kiera to that. I can not correct Kiera sternly without her losing her crap.
I go back Thurs with Ruthie and Ava. I am sick about it. I want to lay down and cry myself to sleep. In fact, that's where I am going now.
Monday, March 29, 2010
My Dream Home
I'm taking Patches and Michael to the new p doc tomorrow. I'm stressed out hoping this will be the one and worried he won't. Our therapist has had a death in the family and won't be going with us after all.
House hunting has begun and is not nearly as much fun as I had hoped. I found a 110 yr old home that is bank owned. I may be in love. There are several things that were not on my list like a huge yard. It is in the middle of the tiny town and across the street from the city park and public library. I keep telling myself that makes up for the yard. There is no basement for his reptiles but does have a couple of outbuildings that would work great. He doesn't necessarily agree. It claims to be 4 bedrooms but it has several other rooms that aren't living rooms or dining rooms so we could use it for extra bedrooms. We would have to get rid of tons of stuff but that is appealing to me. The kitchen and family room has been completely restored and is the best part. It has original floors, doors, and fixtures. The porch wraps around 2 sides and the other 2 are surrounded by a huge deck. It needs the windows replaced and that will be costly but I'm in love. The best part is the price. Our mortgage would be in the low $600s. That alone gets me excited. It is 8 miles to my sister's front door and about 20 min to my Mom's. I'm trying not to get my hopes too high before an inspection but I can't help it.
Ella has found her voice and attitude, too. She has always played the victim until recently. Now she is becoming my little instigator. It's almost funny, almost.
House hunting has begun and is not nearly as much fun as I had hoped. I found a 110 yr old home that is bank owned. I may be in love. There are several things that were not on my list like a huge yard. It is in the middle of the tiny town and across the street from the city park and public library. I keep telling myself that makes up for the yard. There is no basement for his reptiles but does have a couple of outbuildings that would work great. He doesn't necessarily agree. It claims to be 4 bedrooms but it has several other rooms that aren't living rooms or dining rooms so we could use it for extra bedrooms. We would have to get rid of tons of stuff but that is appealing to me. The kitchen and family room has been completely restored and is the best part. It has original floors, doors, and fixtures. The porch wraps around 2 sides and the other 2 are surrounded by a huge deck. It needs the windows replaced and that will be costly but I'm in love. The best part is the price. Our mortgage would be in the low $600s. That alone gets me excited. It is 8 miles to my sister's front door and about 20 min to my Mom's. I'm trying not to get my hopes too high before an inspection but I can't help it.
Ella has found her voice and attitude, too. She has always played the victim until recently. Now she is becoming my little instigator. It's almost funny, almost.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Let's Embarrass Mom Day
They admit they like me. They don't mind being here. They are very clear that I am replaceable with another nice lady. I was very calm and didn't let them know how it felt. I praised them for being able to talk about the hard stuff and feel safe enough that they know I will accept them no matter what. Ava even said, "You told us we didn't have to love you and you have enough love to go around." We talked about what love is. How it feels. How you know and other factors. Each explained it a little different but the same outcome.
Cyr was so shocked by what they said. She doesn't understand it. She said, "How can they call you Mom then?" I helped her remember a time when she called me Mom but didn't like or trust me. It came flooding back and she was silent. She knows exactly how. She trusts me now. She cares how things make me feel and how they effect me. She gets angry when they hurt me or act out. She is attached. She is still working on her boundaries with others but she loves me. She is my inspiration for the others. If she can love me, any of them can.
I'm not sure how all this got past me. I think a big part of my hurt feelings is that I didn't know. I thought we were past all this. I thought they loved me.
This morning we are trying to get to therapy and then to a baby shower for a very old friend of mine's daughter. I haven't seen any of these people in years and have been looking forward to it. I am bringing extra prn meds and praying all will work out. We don't attend any events like this. This will be our first that wasn't strictly family. I'm worried they will pull crap and I will look like a crazy mom. There will be many friends of mine from high school and early 20s. It is the equivalent to a high school reunion but with their families. I keep thinking I should cancel.
Cyr was so shocked by what they said. She doesn't understand it. She said, "How can they call you Mom then?" I helped her remember a time when she called me Mom but didn't like or trust me. It came flooding back and she was silent. She knows exactly how. She trusts me now. She cares how things make me feel and how they effect me. She gets angry when they hurt me or act out. She is attached. She is still working on her boundaries with others but she loves me. She is my inspiration for the others. If she can love me, any of them can.
I'm not sure how all this got past me. I think a big part of my hurt feelings is that I didn't know. I thought we were past all this. I thought they loved me.
This morning we are trying to get to therapy and then to a baby shower for a very old friend of mine's daughter. I haven't seen any of these people in years and have been looking forward to it. I am bringing extra prn meds and praying all will work out. We don't attend any events like this. This will be our first that wasn't strictly family. I'm worried they will pull crap and I will look like a crazy mom. There will be many friends of mine from high school and early 20s. It is the equivalent to a high school reunion but with their families. I keep thinking I should cancel.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Screw Honesty
Ruthie has a beautiful hot pink cast on her foot. She did indeed separate the growth plates on her left foot.
I missed the conference that I was supposed to speak at because they ran out of time. They will be doing a second part shortly to and I will be asked back then. They raved about the taped sessions we had done and felt everyone got so much from seeing us in action.
I took Ella to pick up her new pink hearted braces. She is thrilled to wear them and show them off.
We had a frank discussion at dinner that began about compulsions, moved onto their feelings about their sexual acting out amongst each other, and landed on how they really don't love me. They were being honest. No one was mad or upset. Three feel no connection to me, at all. Patches said if her teacher asked her to live with her, she go and not look back. Ruthie is the one that started it and said I don't feel like a mom to her. She likes me but not like a mom. Ava was afraid she would have to leave and when I promised no way, she confessed she likes me but doesn't love me. None of them think they ever will. They all like me, for the most part. They think I would protect them most of the time. They do not feel like a part of our family. They do want to stay with their siblings but if it meant going somewhere else, that would be fine.
My heart broke. I thought we were doing so well. I didn't have the heart to ask Michael to join the conversation. Cyr heard it and tried to help them understand what they were saying when it became all too clear, they knew and were telling the truth.
The children I pour my heart and soul into don't love me. They feel I am replaceable and probably with a better model. Damn, it hurts worse than I thought.
I missed the conference that I was supposed to speak at because they ran out of time. They will be doing a second part shortly to and I will be asked back then. They raved about the taped sessions we had done and felt everyone got so much from seeing us in action.
I took Ella to pick up her new pink hearted braces. She is thrilled to wear them and show them off.
We had a frank discussion at dinner that began about compulsions, moved onto their feelings about their sexual acting out amongst each other, and landed on how they really don't love me. They were being honest. No one was mad or upset. Three feel no connection to me, at all. Patches said if her teacher asked her to live with her, she go and not look back. Ruthie is the one that started it and said I don't feel like a mom to her. She likes me but not like a mom. Ava was afraid she would have to leave and when I promised no way, she confessed she likes me but doesn't love me. None of them think they ever will. They all like me, for the most part. They think I would protect them most of the time. They do not feel like a part of our family. They do want to stay with their siblings but if it meant going somewhere else, that would be fine.
My heart broke. I thought we were doing so well. I didn't have the heart to ask Michael to join the conversation. Cyr heard it and tried to help them understand what they were saying when it became all too clear, they knew and were telling the truth.
The children I pour my heart and soul into don't love me. They feel I am replaceable and probably with a better model. Damn, it hurts worse than I thought.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Karma
I'm off to take Ruthie to the Orthopedist. She tripped over the neighbor on Saturday and separated the bone plates on the side of her foot. Something to that effect, DH took her so I'm going with his version. Remember, he is seriously going deaf and has short term memories issues from 2 traumatic brain injuries. Who knows what is really going on with her foot.
Secretly, I'm thinking, serves her right for breaking mine 6 weeks ago. Karma's a bitch. I'd never say it to her but I am thinking it.
Patches is trying to get out of showering again. She is so sneaky but I'm sneakier!
Cyr broke down last night. It hit her really hard that we are moving. I hate it for her. It hurts my feelings so bad but it will do 2 main things for her. It will help her Mom find some sanity and put some distance between her and her boyfriend. He is a nice kid in front of us but has done some really stupid, dangerous things. It is for the best for all of us but it will break her heart in the process.
Secretly, I'm thinking, serves her right for breaking mine 6 weeks ago. Karma's a bitch. I'd never say it to her but I am thinking it.
Patches is trying to get out of showering again. She is so sneaky but I'm sneakier!
Cyr broke down last night. It hit her really hard that we are moving. I hate it for her. It hurts my feelings so bad but it will do 2 main things for her. It will help her Mom find some sanity and put some distance between her and her boyfriend. He is a nice kid in front of us but has done some really stupid, dangerous things. It is for the best for all of us but it will break her heart in the process.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Prison Isn't Looking So Bad
I must admit, having a delusional person in your family is difficult but having 2 is enough to drive me mad. There is no reasoning with them. Today's first stupid argument went as follows,
Patches foot touched the laptop on the floor and Michael told her in a threatening tone, "You need to stop kicking the computer."
P, "I didn't see it."
M, "Yes, your did. I saw you look down."
P yelling now, "No, I didn't! I hate you! Your a baby!"
M standing and then getting in her face, "You did! I saw you!"
P, " No, I didn't!"
M, "Yes, you did!"
They repeated the last 2 statements about 20 times before I could yell loud enough for them to hear me. I tried to reason with them and finally blew my top. My response was, "Until your eyes are in her head, you can't tell me what she saw. Not every one is being mean to you. (They both say this constantly and can't tell you what the other person has done BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING. Sorry, back to regularly scheduled programing.) You are both required to stop talking to each other or I can't be responsible for my actions. If you are caught speaking to each other, I may or may not murder someone. GO!"
They repeated this argument about several different topics at least 10 more times. Is it wrong to count the days until they are 18? Probably only because they won't leave me until they are 40!
I swear I love them, well, most days. I'm so glad they have an 8:30 PM bedtime so I can recoup from the mere 5 hours an afternoon with them.
Patches foot touched the laptop on the floor and Michael told her in a threatening tone, "You need to stop kicking the computer."
P, "I didn't see it."
M, "Yes, your did. I saw you look down."
P yelling now, "No, I didn't! I hate you! Your a baby!"
M standing and then getting in her face, "You did! I saw you!"
P, " No, I didn't!"
M, "Yes, you did!"
They repeated the last 2 statements about 20 times before I could yell loud enough for them to hear me. I tried to reason with them and finally blew my top. My response was, "Until your eyes are in her head, you can't tell me what she saw. Not every one is being mean to you. (They both say this constantly and can't tell you what the other person has done BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING. Sorry, back to regularly scheduled programing.) You are both required to stop talking to each other or I can't be responsible for my actions. If you are caught speaking to each other, I may or may not murder someone. GO!"
They repeated this argument about several different topics at least 10 more times. Is it wrong to count the days until they are 18? Probably only because they won't leave me until they are 40!
I swear I love them, well, most days. I'm so glad they have an 8:30 PM bedtime so I can recoup from the mere 5 hours an afternoon with them.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Pissed Off Over Pancakes
I got up and made pancakes for breakfast. The kids love them and we do this often adding different fruits or chocolate to them. Each child came to the stove to get theirs and add butter. They returned to the table to add syrup and eat them. Every child does this for themselves. We recently stopped running over the pancakes with the pizza cutter and suggested they try to cut them up with their fork. Nothing has been said about this until today.
Today, Patches was one of the first to start eating and when the others began, she went off. She insisted they were copying her. Everyone was confused. She screamed and slammed things around until I finally figured out what she was upset about. She claimed they were all cutting their pancakes with a fork, like her. I had them each show me simultaneously how they were doing it. It was painfully obvious that Patches was delusional. No one was "copying" her. They were eating. She went on for several minutes before slamming herself around the kitchen and throwing her plate at the sink. She continued to slam her room around for an hour.
This is one tiny example. I have 2 kids that are delusional like this. They have their own thoughts and rules and we all must abide by them or we get this. They hold us hostage with their delusions and paranoia. Most days, I can see it for what it is. Some days, I'm just sick and tired of it. Today, I'm sick of it.
She has just blown up again and gone to her room. This time she is angry because she felt it was her turn with a ball so she took it. The others all agree it was Ella's turn. She called me a *itch and went to her room. There is no pleasing her. If I try to explain it to her she thinks I am out to get her. If I let her stew in it, there are 2 possibilities. She will eventually calm down and come back or she will continue to escalate and we have to intervene physically.
All this started over pancakes.
Today, Patches was one of the first to start eating and when the others began, she went off. She insisted they were copying her. Everyone was confused. She screamed and slammed things around until I finally figured out what she was upset about. She claimed they were all cutting their pancakes with a fork, like her. I had them each show me simultaneously how they were doing it. It was painfully obvious that Patches was delusional. No one was "copying" her. They were eating. She went on for several minutes before slamming herself around the kitchen and throwing her plate at the sink. She continued to slam her room around for an hour.
This is one tiny example. I have 2 kids that are delusional like this. They have their own thoughts and rules and we all must abide by them or we get this. They hold us hostage with their delusions and paranoia. Most days, I can see it for what it is. Some days, I'm just sick and tired of it. Today, I'm sick of it.
She has just blown up again and gone to her room. This time she is angry because she felt it was her turn with a ball so she took it. The others all agree it was Ella's turn. She called me a *itch and went to her room. There is no pleasing her. If I try to explain it to her she thinks I am out to get her. If I let her stew in it, there are 2 possibilities. She will eventually calm down and come back or she will continue to escalate and we have to intervene physically.
All this started over pancakes.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Don't Hold Your Breath
The therapist and I discussed our current struggles and my perception of them. Something happens when you live with certain behaviors over a long period of time, your normal changes. The things that I have been willing to tolerate or write off as things we have to deal with is need of a tune up.
I watched, along with millions, the 20/20 show last Friday about Childhood Schizophrenia. It made me stop and look at our situation. One family had made a point to take down all the doors in their home because their daughter had tried to strangle her sibling behind a closed door. They showed a child in crisis screaming for help and to go to the hospital. It gave me something to compare ourselves to. I'm not saying my kids are sicker than theirs, I'm saying we deal with that stuff and it didn't occur to me how bad it is. We don't have the opportunity to see other families with our issues to see where the line should be drawn. In our household, the line is just moved as their needs increase. I read others blogs or have other supportive relationships online but I don't see their crisis, I hear about it. It is much different.
This isn't the fist time my son has wrapped his hands around his siblings neck. We hear our children scream to go to the hospital because they can't be safe or fear their will hurt someone. This has become a regular behavior that we moved the line to make room for. These things have decreased in their frequency but intensified. They used to rage and scream that they hated me or wanted to live somewhere else. They now scream they want to die or kill me. How did that become "normal"?
I know how this has happened. I haven't been able to consider splitting them up for more than a few nights. Like a frog placed in cool water, we never noticed it was getting hot until it was boiling. I seem to have some stupid need to fix all their boo boos myself. My self esteem seems to be mixed up in being their mom and not giving up. The isolation has helped me convince myself it isn't as bad as it is. The wonderful children the world sees outside of our home. If I am completely honest, I worry that if they have to go, we will drown financially due to hospitalization costs and lost AA. So, I keep on managing. After all, once the crisis is over, they are exhausted and I can convince myself we made it and maybe I was wrong about how sick they are. I find myself trying to prove they dx are all wrong, in my head, and they are right to my DH. How weird is that? I guess, I need him to understand while I am quietly hoping to prove it all wrong.
It is becoming increasingly obvious that they shouldn't have been placed together. At least one of them desperately needed to be separated from the rest. She is triggered worse today than ever. We are narrowing down the treatment possibilities that will end in her hospitalization. (If you have read here more than once, you are aware that I do not want to consider hospitalization and constantly give myself a time line to consider it again then move it up over and over. I fear long term hospitalization would trigger their intense abandonment/attachment issues.) What if the thing I have fought the hardest against is what needs to happen? What if they all need some separation to change the cycle they are in?
I left the appointment with some ideas to go back to. Things we have stopped doing that need to be incorporated once again. Things that will make us all feel like failures. Things that have to be done to prevent catastrophic incidents. Sometimes you need a kick to the head to see things clearly. I'm glad we have good therapists that are more than willing to step on my toes when I need it. Our therapist is processing the application for a program called CBAY. It's a step above IFI and before long term hospitalization. It's a last resort to maintain them here at home. He is sure we have plenty of documentation to qualify so it's just a matter of time.
On a better note, LOL not really, Michael is hallucinating. I'm sure of it. It's denied by him but he is at least hearing things. He is looking around like he is being called. He settles back in and does it again. Over and over. I said his name a few minutes later and he didn't respond. I said it again and he looked around and back down. I'm not sure if I explained that well but it is obvious he hears something and he can't tell the difference between the real noise/voice and the hallucination. His delusions are increasing and he made a commitment today to try to let me help him determine if the other child is really trying to get him in trouble or harm him before he attacks them. I'm not holding my breath and I don't suggest you do either.
I watched, along with millions, the 20/20 show last Friday about Childhood Schizophrenia. It made me stop and look at our situation. One family had made a point to take down all the doors in their home because their daughter had tried to strangle her sibling behind a closed door. They showed a child in crisis screaming for help and to go to the hospital. It gave me something to compare ourselves to. I'm not saying my kids are sicker than theirs, I'm saying we deal with that stuff and it didn't occur to me how bad it is. We don't have the opportunity to see other families with our issues to see where the line should be drawn. In our household, the line is just moved as their needs increase. I read others blogs or have other supportive relationships online but I don't see their crisis, I hear about it. It is much different.
This isn't the fist time my son has wrapped his hands around his siblings neck. We hear our children scream to go to the hospital because they can't be safe or fear their will hurt someone. This has become a regular behavior that we moved the line to make room for. These things have decreased in their frequency but intensified. They used to rage and scream that they hated me or wanted to live somewhere else. They now scream they want to die or kill me. How did that become "normal"?
I know how this has happened. I haven't been able to consider splitting them up for more than a few nights. Like a frog placed in cool water, we never noticed it was getting hot until it was boiling. I seem to have some stupid need to fix all their boo boos myself. My self esteem seems to be mixed up in being their mom and not giving up. The isolation has helped me convince myself it isn't as bad as it is. The wonderful children the world sees outside of our home. If I am completely honest, I worry that if they have to go, we will drown financially due to hospitalization costs and lost AA. So, I keep on managing. After all, once the crisis is over, they are exhausted and I can convince myself we made it and maybe I was wrong about how sick they are. I find myself trying to prove they dx are all wrong, in my head, and they are right to my DH. How weird is that? I guess, I need him to understand while I am quietly hoping to prove it all wrong.
It is becoming increasingly obvious that they shouldn't have been placed together. At least one of them desperately needed to be separated from the rest. She is triggered worse today than ever. We are narrowing down the treatment possibilities that will end in her hospitalization. (If you have read here more than once, you are aware that I do not want to consider hospitalization and constantly give myself a time line to consider it again then move it up over and over. I fear long term hospitalization would trigger their intense abandonment/attachment issues.) What if the thing I have fought the hardest against is what needs to happen? What if they all need some separation to change the cycle they are in?
I left the appointment with some ideas to go back to. Things we have stopped doing that need to be incorporated once again. Things that will make us all feel like failures. Things that have to be done to prevent catastrophic incidents. Sometimes you need a kick to the head to see things clearly. I'm glad we have good therapists that are more than willing to step on my toes when I need it. Our therapist is processing the application for a program called CBAY. It's a step above IFI and before long term hospitalization. It's a last resort to maintain them here at home. He is sure we have plenty of documentation to qualify so it's just a matter of time.
On a better note, LOL not really, Michael is hallucinating. I'm sure of it. It's denied by him but he is at least hearing things. He is looking around like he is being called. He settles back in and does it again. Over and over. I said his name a few minutes later and he didn't respond. I said it again and he looked around and back down. I'm not sure if I explained that well but it is obvious he hears something and he can't tell the difference between the real noise/voice and the hallucination. His delusions are increasing and he made a commitment today to try to let me help him determine if the other child is really trying to get him in trouble or harm him before he attacks them. I'm not holding my breath and I don't suggest you do either.
Choke or Strangle?
Ruthie was able to keep herself together while her brother melted down last night. I couldn't even find the energy to get upset about him. Ava and Michael had taken it upon themselves to clean off the back deck. It was very sweet until he wasn't. She wanted to move the chairs to the back part of it. He didn't and yelled she was being mean to him. She walked past him to get another chair. He pushed her in the stomach and jumped on her wrapping his hands around her throat. He tried to choke her but she is bigger than he is and was able to knock him off. When the story was related to me by Ava, he became enraged with me. He didn't want her to use the word choke. If she explained it without that word, he was fine with the explanation. It makes no sense but that has become my life. It's acceptable to strangle your sister but not to choke them. Go figure.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Feeling Blah
I had to have an embarrassing conversation with the counselor at the elementary school today. One of my kids is getting aroused in PE and throughout her day at school. She asked for intervention by the school so I had to explain it to them. Trust me, it's never easy to find words to explain your child's need to masturbate because a peer had to stand between their legs. How do you warn them to be aware of her compulsion to touch touch herself but claim you think others are safe around her? This child thinks she is being inappropriate because she spreads her legs in front of her classmates. What she doesn't understand is they have no idea she is getting off on this since she has jeans on. Is she still inappropriate? I think she is since it is making her aroused. I do not feel the other children are in danger due to this. I feel it is important all her teachers are aware of this recent behavior and help her get her mind onto other things.
Another child has been acting out at school. She's not a peach around here but manageable. She is supposed to be writing 3 things she thinks will help her cope with school tomorrow. I gave her at least 8 suggestions and told her to use them if she felt they would help. She is refusing to accept responsibility for her behavior and to help find ways to avoid it. According to her, I should know what to do. I must have missed that page in the handbook. Again, my fault. She is currently resting her head on the table making herself fall asleep. I have no plan to disturb her and her intense thinking.
Ella is passed out on the sofa. I swear any time she slows down, she goes out.
My son informed me when he came in from the bus, "It nice outside. We need to play there."
I feel blah. I need to find the strength to get back into things. I'm not there yet. I could sleep the day away. I'm ready for them to overcome their issues and have a great life. Since that's not happening, I feel blah.
Another child has been acting out at school. She's not a peach around here but manageable. She is supposed to be writing 3 things she thinks will help her cope with school tomorrow. I gave her at least 8 suggestions and told her to use them if she felt they would help. She is refusing to accept responsibility for her behavior and to help find ways to avoid it. According to her, I should know what to do. I must have missed that page in the handbook. Again, my fault. She is currently resting her head on the table making herself fall asleep. I have no plan to disturb her and her intense thinking.
Ella is passed out on the sofa. I swear any time she slows down, she goes out.
My son informed me when he came in from the bus, "It nice outside. We need to play there."
I feel blah. I need to find the strength to get back into things. I'm not there yet. I could sleep the day away. I'm ready for them to overcome their issues and have a great life. Since that's not happening, I feel blah.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Yesterday was another rough evening. One child lost her shiznit and threatened all of us several times. She wanted to call DFCS on her sisters, tell her teachers I don't love her, and a few other random threats. I immediately knew she was not safe and removed the other children from the room. After over an hour, she finally admitted she was having inappropriate thoughts about the kids. She was worried she would "have to touch them". She claimed she is "a bad girl". No amount of reassurance would calm her and she wasn't clear about who or why she would have to do it. The only thing that helped was to tell the other kids she was feeling unsafe and make them promise to tell on her. After that she finished picking up her room and nothing else was said until shower time. At that point, she wanted to be sure no other child would come in the bathroom. Once we all agreed, she moved on. I tried to help her see how safe she was by warning the other kids she was having feelings about it. She couldn't accept it. Apparently, she is evil and nothing can change that.
Another child deliberately dumped my clean laundry from the washer onto the floor. I was not a happy camper when I found it and hollered out to the LR that it was not acceptable. Knowing what she did, she went off. She hated me, I am only mean to her, I hate her, and so on. One of the kids asked her why she was mad at me and both my DH and I had to cover our mouths so we didn't burst into laughter. She insisted I told her to move some of the clothes to the dryer. I never said all of them. She had done nothing wrong. We were out to get her in trouble. I am always mean to her b/c I hate her. She avoided a violent episode but refused her meds for the first time. I caught her on one of her many runs to the bathroom, in the middle of the night, to go down and take them. She woke with a migraine this morning and I am sure it from taking them without enough sleep afterward. I hate it for her but I insisted she go to school.
Kiera is singing her head off. She has mixed 4 or 5 songs together and sings at the top of her lungs. It cracks me up.
Emma went skating with a boy this weekend while Ava spent the night at her friend's.
Another child deliberately dumped my clean laundry from the washer onto the floor. I was not a happy camper when I found it and hollered out to the LR that it was not acceptable. Knowing what she did, she went off. She hated me, I am only mean to her, I hate her, and so on. One of the kids asked her why she was mad at me and both my DH and I had to cover our mouths so we didn't burst into laughter. She insisted I told her to move some of the clothes to the dryer. I never said all of them. She had done nothing wrong. We were out to get her in trouble. I am always mean to her b/c I hate her. She avoided a violent episode but refused her meds for the first time. I caught her on one of her many runs to the bathroom, in the middle of the night, to go down and take them. She woke with a migraine this morning and I am sure it from taking them without enough sleep afterward. I hate it for her but I insisted she go to school.
Kiera is singing her head off. She has mixed 4 or 5 songs together and sings at the top of her lungs. It cracks me up.
Emma went skating with a boy this weekend while Ava spent the night at her friend's.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
We are all alive, barely. We have a long awaited event tomorrow that I am hoping they will manage to get through without any huge episodes.
One great thing I want to share is........I think 3 kids may be close to getting out of pull ups at night soon. Silly thing to be excited about? They are really expensive for kids the size of an adult and 1 of them uses 2 or 3 a night. I can't wait to find a creative way to use that extra $.
One great thing I want to share is........I think 3 kids may be close to getting out of pull ups at night soon. Silly thing to be excited about? They are really expensive for kids the size of an adult and 1 of them uses 2 or 3 a night. I can't wait to find a creative way to use that extra $.
Friday, March 05, 2010
A Big Weekend
I have posted about our issues with finding a new psychiatrist. We have a new one that is scheduled for March 30 and our male therapist will be going to the appt with us. I am so glad. I told him I was concerned it was the way I was relaying the information because I am having such a hard time. He insists it's not but offered to come for support and back me up.
I had arranged with our pediatrician to provide scripts for the kids until then. She had asked for a letter from our therapist with a list of the meds, verification they were necessary, and that we had been searching for a new p doc. What changed suddenly was her need to see them and a full schedule until Monday. I ran out of meds last night and within 24 hours our lives could be in shambles.
Here's hat we all agree would happen because it already does and it would just be worsened with the lack of meds. Patches would think Michael is trying to get something over on her or is trying to get her in trouble. This would escalate very quickly into a screaming match. Patches would start to hit her head against the wall or floor and pull out large chunks of her hair. She would threaten to kill herself and then make attempts to do so. Meanwhile, Michael would let out a primal scream out and run to his room. He would throw every item in his room into the hallway while making threats to kill Patches or myself. He would slam things against the window and when I peeked in to be sure he was not hurt he would try to punch and kick me. He would escalate until I had to hold him to prevent injury to myself. If I stay away, he would search me out or turn on one of the kids. Ruthie would have become agitated at the first sounds of a scuffle and completely dissociate by the time I have to physically intervene. She would threaten to kill herself and me, attacking me physically by jumping on my back while I hold her brother in a safety hold. The moment it had begun to get loud, Cyr, Emma, Ella, and Ava would have taken the baby to the living room to play music and dance. Cyr would until every one was distracted and come try to help. Eventually, we would have to call the police and have them all hospitalized.
How do I know this would happen? It is exactly what happens several times a week. The only difference is the phone call to the police and hospitalization. I know it would escalate to that point because since the meds have been introduced the intensity of their episodes have dropped tremendously. Without them, I can only assume it wouldn't calm down within hours, like it does now. Yes, they last hours. Some times all day long before they wear themselves out. Two or 3 of them would also begin to hallucinate and 2 of them would cry uncontrollably for hours for no reason. They can not help themselves. There is nothing we can do here that would avoid this from happening. But I have a plan.
I sent out a text to all the people that we trust and asked them to each take a child. See, the kids are triggered by each other and so if we separate them that won't happen. Yes, they will still be on edge and be extremely moody but they do so much better around people they do not associate with our immediate family. They are unsure about their surroundings so they will be quiet and more cautious about their responses. They will not have chores or responsibilities. They will be treated like royalty.
They all feel safe with the member we are sending them with and we put a lot of thought into who gets who. Patches asked to go to my sister's, Kiki. She said Uncle Todd can keep her safe because he can restrain her and has handcuffs and a gun. As an officer, he is very strong and used to dealing with mentally ill people. This was her idea. Michael is going to my MIL's to play video games with Papa. He gets lost in the games and is afraid of Papa, to some extent. He will have the dogs to help keep him calm and no other children. Ruthie and Emma will be going together to my Mom's, Gorges. Ruthie is about 5 yrs old and very girlie. My Mom loves to bake and do girlie stuff. They will be great together because Emma will help distract Ruthie from crying for hours. They will be surrounded by a lovely community of elderly woman. The twins will be going to their birth Aunt and Uncle. This was perfect for them because they won't be triggered by too much because they have the fewest memories. Ava may have a hard time trying not to cry all day but she will feel safe and adored there. I will have Kiera and Cyr. Cyr has plans with my DH to go to some all day concert Saturday. I plan on watching movies and eating the many meals Kiera cooks for me. I'm sure she will rotate between being my dog and my Mommy all day. I will be available to the kids by phone any time they need me.
I had arranged with our pediatrician to provide scripts for the kids until then. She had asked for a letter from our therapist with a list of the meds, verification they were necessary, and that we had been searching for a new p doc. What changed suddenly was her need to see them and a full schedule until Monday. I ran out of meds last night and within 24 hours our lives could be in shambles.
Here's hat we all agree would happen because it already does and it would just be worsened with the lack of meds. Patches would think Michael is trying to get something over on her or is trying to get her in trouble. This would escalate very quickly into a screaming match. Patches would start to hit her head against the wall or floor and pull out large chunks of her hair. She would threaten to kill herself and then make attempts to do so. Meanwhile, Michael would let out a primal scream out and run to his room. He would throw every item in his room into the hallway while making threats to kill Patches or myself. He would slam things against the window and when I peeked in to be sure he was not hurt he would try to punch and kick me. He would escalate until I had to hold him to prevent injury to myself. If I stay away, he would search me out or turn on one of the kids. Ruthie would have become agitated at the first sounds of a scuffle and completely dissociate by the time I have to physically intervene. She would threaten to kill herself and me, attacking me physically by jumping on my back while I hold her brother in a safety hold. The moment it had begun to get loud, Cyr, Emma, Ella, and Ava would have taken the baby to the living room to play music and dance. Cyr would until every one was distracted and come try to help. Eventually, we would have to call the police and have them all hospitalized.
How do I know this would happen? It is exactly what happens several times a week. The only difference is the phone call to the police and hospitalization. I know it would escalate to that point because since the meds have been introduced the intensity of their episodes have dropped tremendously. Without them, I can only assume it wouldn't calm down within hours, like it does now. Yes, they last hours. Some times all day long before they wear themselves out. Two or 3 of them would also begin to hallucinate and 2 of them would cry uncontrollably for hours for no reason. They can not help themselves. There is nothing we can do here that would avoid this from happening. But I have a plan.
I sent out a text to all the people that we trust and asked them to each take a child. See, the kids are triggered by each other and so if we separate them that won't happen. Yes, they will still be on edge and be extremely moody but they do so much better around people they do not associate with our immediate family. They are unsure about their surroundings so they will be quiet and more cautious about their responses. They will not have chores or responsibilities. They will be treated like royalty.
They all feel safe with the member we are sending them with and we put a lot of thought into who gets who. Patches asked to go to my sister's, Kiki. She said Uncle Todd can keep her safe because he can restrain her and has handcuffs and a gun. As an officer, he is very strong and used to dealing with mentally ill people. This was her idea. Michael is going to my MIL's to play video games with Papa. He gets lost in the games and is afraid of Papa, to some extent. He will have the dogs to help keep him calm and no other children. Ruthie and Emma will be going together to my Mom's, Gorges. Ruthie is about 5 yrs old and very girlie. My Mom loves to bake and do girlie stuff. They will be great together because Emma will help distract Ruthie from crying for hours. They will be surrounded by a lovely community of elderly woman. The twins will be going to their birth Aunt and Uncle. This was perfect for them because they won't be triggered by too much because they have the fewest memories. Ava may have a hard time trying not to cry all day but she will feel safe and adored there. I will have Kiera and Cyr. Cyr has plans with my DH to go to some all day concert Saturday. I plan on watching movies and eating the many meals Kiera cooks for me. I'm sure she will rotate between being my dog and my Mommy all day. I will be available to the kids by phone any time they need me.
Monday, March 01, 2010
A Family Meeting
Michael became enraged when asked to "run through" his chore. It was a simple task I asked of all the kids. His chore is the hall bathroom. He is expected to clear the floor of any leftover clothes, wipe down the toilet, and sink. A mere moment of work. He grabbed the broom and swung it almost knocked Patches and I in the head, on purpose. I had to grab the handle to stop him from trying again.
When I moved to protect myself, Ruthie went off. She has done well over the last week of keeping it together when he has lost it or rants on and on but this time she was crazy before I could say anything. She was worse then he was. The screaming and rants are hard to ignore. She leaned over us with her fist balled up and tried to hit me. Someone came around the corner and scared her and she retreated to her room a foot behind her. She makes no sense when she is like this. She doesn't even really know what is going on other than she is out of control. It gets Michael going even more and he couldn't get a grip. He was frightened about all the noise she was making. He couldn't see what she was doing but heard her promises to jump out the window. He finally began to sob and turned over clinging to me. It took her over 2 hours to calm down. He took about an hour.
I was so stressed after that I couldn't do homework with the kids. My foot was smashed during the event and was/is throbbing. We ate the dinner I had been making and a very emotional talk afterward. Cyr vented about her guilt for not saving them. All the kids talked about how these episodes make us feel. We all hate them. None of us want to participate. We are all scared and sad when they happen. The 3 that are the root of the events, cried hard and shared what they are thinking sometimes during them. Sometimes, they think about their parents when they are out of control. They feel scared until I restrain them and then they know they won't hurt themselves. Ruthie is still blacking out for some of them. I gave them all a break for the night and began showers. When they were done, we made our very first batch of homemade, from scratch, cookies. They each got 3 and a glass of milk before dinner. They were so good.
I thought we were all done for the night and sent them off to bed. Everyone was giggling and had their bellies full of warm homemade goodness. Most were asleep in minutes. Patches was not. I went up to check on Kiera and she was standing outside her door. She looked weird so I asked what she was doing. She quietly stared into her room. Figuring she was mad at me for some made up reason, I went on into my room and laid next to Kiera for a minute. Patches came in a minute later and told me someone was in her room. She told me they were on her floor crawling around and had a mask on. She was frightened. I asked her if she wanted to crash on Dad's side of the bed until Cyr came up to bed. She couldn't have moved any faster. Patches usually barely moves faster than a snail. After a couple of minutes, she told me the person was right by her boots and looked at her. She hadn't been afraid until they looked at her. She was confused why she would see someone after not for a few months.
The hardest part of parenting my child isn't the violent episodes, it's not being able to stop these hallucinations. They are terrified of them. Some of them are creatures and scary people, others are friendly towards them or don't seem to mean harm. They can't tell if they are real or not. They do seem odd to them like a stranger in their room or grapes flying off the shelf at the store, or someone looking in a 2nd story window are not possible. It's exhausting for them and for me. I desperately want to fix this for them and I know that isn't possible.
When I moved to protect myself, Ruthie went off. She has done well over the last week of keeping it together when he has lost it or rants on and on but this time she was crazy before I could say anything. She was worse then he was. The screaming and rants are hard to ignore. She leaned over us with her fist balled up and tried to hit me. Someone came around the corner and scared her and she retreated to her room a foot behind her. She makes no sense when she is like this. She doesn't even really know what is going on other than she is out of control. It gets Michael going even more and he couldn't get a grip. He was frightened about all the noise she was making. He couldn't see what she was doing but heard her promises to jump out the window. He finally began to sob and turned over clinging to me. It took her over 2 hours to calm down. He took about an hour.
I was so stressed after that I couldn't do homework with the kids. My foot was smashed during the event and was/is throbbing. We ate the dinner I had been making and a very emotional talk afterward. Cyr vented about her guilt for not saving them. All the kids talked about how these episodes make us feel. We all hate them. None of us want to participate. We are all scared and sad when they happen. The 3 that are the root of the events, cried hard and shared what they are thinking sometimes during them. Sometimes, they think about their parents when they are out of control. They feel scared until I restrain them and then they know they won't hurt themselves. Ruthie is still blacking out for some of them. I gave them all a break for the night and began showers. When they were done, we made our very first batch of homemade, from scratch, cookies. They each got 3 and a glass of milk before dinner. They were so good.
I thought we were all done for the night and sent them off to bed. Everyone was giggling and had their bellies full of warm homemade goodness. Most were asleep in minutes. Patches was not. I went up to check on Kiera and she was standing outside her door. She looked weird so I asked what she was doing. She quietly stared into her room. Figuring she was mad at me for some made up reason, I went on into my room and laid next to Kiera for a minute. Patches came in a minute later and told me someone was in her room. She told me they were on her floor crawling around and had a mask on. She was frightened. I asked her if she wanted to crash on Dad's side of the bed until Cyr came up to bed. She couldn't have moved any faster. Patches usually barely moves faster than a snail. After a couple of minutes, she told me the person was right by her boots and looked at her. She hadn't been afraid until they looked at her. She was confused why she would see someone after not for a few months.
The hardest part of parenting my child isn't the violent episodes, it's not being able to stop these hallucinations. They are terrified of them. Some of them are creatures and scary people, others are friendly towards them or don't seem to mean harm. They can't tell if they are real or not. They do seem odd to them like a stranger in their room or grapes flying off the shelf at the store, or someone looking in a 2nd story window are not possible. It's exhausting for them and for me. I desperately want to fix this for them and I know that isn't possible.
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