Sunday, January 03, 2010

I'm Being Held Hostage

One of my children has figured out how to stop me from having any fun. Let me clarify that my idea of fun is not nearly as entertaining as you might think. I'm talking about trips to the grocery store or pharmacy, mostly. Jealous? This child goes nuts when I leave. She waits until I'm good and gone and then loses her crap on the person in charge, usually Rosa. Yesterday while I was at Sam's, she got things moving with a few good old fashioned threats. "I'm gonna stab you, pull your hair, and break your glasses." She did 2 of the 3. Rosa ended up with a black eye and this child a bloody nose from hitting it on the TV stand when she was flipping out. Poor Rosa felt responsible for the blood loss even though it was clearly not her fault. My children are rarely upset or scared by tantrums but are terrified when they occur without my presence. It says nothing about the other adults actions or skills. They need me to feel safe.

The crazy things our kids shout out while raging are the usual stuff you hear. "I hate you" "You stole me from my real mom" "I only love my real mom" "You hate me" "you love everyone but me" etc. This child screams the same things at Rosa. Clearly Rosa had nothing to do with their adoption or removal from their parents. She has never met them. This child loses her crap, freaks out, and throws around some allegations. I'm wondering if this is her inability to get past her abandonment, her belief that the world is out to get her and that everyone worked hard to take her away from her parents, or what.

I was called to return before the shopping was complete. I had to wait for my DH to provide back up so I could get groceries. I'm sure you are thinking the easy fix to this is to send one of the other adults to shop for groceries. There are 2 main reasons that is not going to happen. First, they are not nearly as frugal as I am and spend more than I would. Our budget is tight and I can do it without a problem but add in a man and we starve. Second, it is my only form of a break. I NEED this outing.

Here is my dilemma. If I stay home, she wins and I lose. If I take her with me, she wins and I lose. When I leave her with another adult, they are attacked and injured and my other children are terrified. She is getting more and more out of control and is unable to be logical. She doesn't care about consequences. She lives in the right this very minute. I need suggestions. I'm so angry that I can't think clearly. At least with my son, he is so small that he can be contained. This child is bigger and does damage to herself, property, and others.

I want to mention that Patches had the prefect opportunity to pitch a big fit today about her new clothes. She was asked to put them all on hangers and pick up her room. She laid on the floor, weighed her options, and got up and put everything away! I made sure to point out how awesome she is.

I started watching The Soloist last night. I got too tired and fell asleep in the middle. That had nothing to do with how good the movie was. It was great. I was amazed at how much his speech reminded me of my 3. There were differences, he was highly intelligent and mine are not. He understood things they can't fathom so he tended to change subjects a little faster. My kids sound like that but they stammer on the same thing becoming lost in the topic. When they tell me a story about anything, they can't get it out. You have to commit to a long conversation for a tiny bit of information. They run around the words and get off on tangents. You have to bring them back to the original thought or topic several times. It is the thought disorder part of their illness. They can't follow along or lead you in a direct path. They have speech issues which add to the problem. It is exhausting for all involved.


Book Lover said...

I totally get your 2 reasons for wanting to go to the store. Those are the same reasons I go also.(but on a much smaller scale LOL)Your patience with your kiddos is so amazing. From their illness to their behaviours to their speech. I am so hoping this new year will bring you some much needed relief.Thinking and praying for you. Stay strong

Kim Chrisman

J. said...

I don't know if this would work but could you take the other kids out and leave her home with the adult in charge alone. I know it means you don't get a break but it might mean that she gets less success with her tantrums/threats. Good Luck

Kelly said...

No suggestions, of course. You would certainly know better than me. That has to be horribly frustrating. We all need a break every once in a while, even if it means a trip to the store.

But it was interesting reading that last paragraph. I experience this type communication with Nate and Beth. Frustrating. Leaves me shaking my head lots of times never knowing what they were trying to tell me about.

Anna said...

WOW! I finally read your whole blog. I'd say it took me about ten days. I have a lot of time on my hands since I broke my ankle and I appreciate you and your family and getting to feel close to you through your story. I feel especially strong in my heart for Patches... she is such a beautiful child but her eyes are so full of pain. I see myself in her. I experienced abuse growing up and I know it was bad but I'm not really sure how bad because I can't remember it very clearly. I have some vague memories of incestual situations but I really don't know if they're real or just dreams... Being in my mid-twenties now I have witnessed my family falling into shambles and experienced a tumult of psychological problems since I left home at 17 and before that. I am married now to a good man but I want all the naysayers out there to know that I would have given anything to have a mom like you, even now. Kids need logical boundaries and unconditional love. I will never get to experience that from a mother and I'm sure I'll always long for it. Anyway, sorry to ramble, but you are appreciated.

Anonymous said...

Take her with you. Put her in the cart or have her hold your hand. She has a deep sense of abandoment and while it may seem to be a pain right now she needs to know you are there. Maybe start by leaving her for five minutes a day, then 10 just to get her used to having you come back. Remember an infant at first they cry when they can't hear you because they get scared and do not know if you are there. So you usually say it is okay mommy is here and they relax, after a while you are able to leave the room for a short period and come back and they are okay with that because they are learning trust. This little girl has learned know trust, she is still in the infant stage. She needs to know you are not going to leave her, that you are still there. Over time as she developes she will learn trust and be able to handle you leaving. It is part of the bonding process. One of things I used to do with infants was put them in a pouch and walk around with them all day. That didn't spoil them but helped them feel safe. Well you can't do that with this little girl but you can put her next to you. the other thing is try 10 20 10. Ten minutes a day hold her like an infant , read to her, sing to her, feed her something sweet, then 20 minutes in the afternoon and ten in the evening. Usually after bathtime and right before bed. It works. I hope these ideas help. You are in my prayers. I have tried these idea and they work. Also on other thing , this is going to sound strange but my 9 year begs for it, I hold her and feed her a bottle. She never got that and she craves that. It sounds wierd but a therapist suggested it and I tried it. Now she will beg me for it. I say as long as she needs it go for it.

God bless

Tudu said...

Kathy, this is a new behavior. We have done the bottles and holding and you are right, it works. I spoke with her last night and it seems as though this is her way to hurt me. She doesn't want me to have "fun". She said, "It's not fair you get to go somewhere.". I guess, if it was up to her I'd spend the rest of my life sitting here waiting for her to want to play with me.

Meg said...

I don't have any suggestions but I too have gone back and am reading your blog from the beginning and I am in total awe of you. I have one bipolar son and he's wonderful but he can be a real handful. You are a super mom!

Linda said...

I don't know if this is remotely possible with all your other kids, but can you take her and another adult with you? Make her stay in the car while you do what you need to do? It might not work, maybe she will destroy the car, but just a thought. Good luck.

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