Apparently, I am not only horribly mean and have forced my child into slavery by insisting that she finish her chore nightly but I love some kids more than others. I expect this from a teenager but am incredibly disappointed in an older child that helped fester that insecurity. I am more than willing to admit that would be a difficult subject to begin with your mother but I am not your average mother. Each time ALL of my children have come to me with issues about me, I listen. It hurts my feelings but I do sincerely try to work on it. When you have 2 kids whispering back and forth about you instead of coming to you, how do you defend yourself?
I am equally mean to all of my children. I have always worried about treating them fairly. I mean come on, when one child screams at you, tells you you aren't good enough, physically attacks you, threatens to have you jailed, or abuses your other children, it is tough to look past those behaviors. I DO! I do it every day. Most of us would want the company of a child that loves you and is playful with you, one that you know you are safe with. It doesn't mean I love them more, longer maybe but not more. I love each of my children, not the same way but the same amount. I like them differently but that is due to the way I am treated by that child.
Part of the jealously was about Kiera. A baby. I spend too much time with her. I love her more. Bullshit. All except one of my children struggle with attaching, relationships, and overcoming severe trauma in their younger years. She is no different. We have a chance to make it better for her. She doesn't have to suffer as severely as they have. For this effort, I am being called to the table. WTF?
The other child is Emma. Emma is a fully attached, well adjusted child. She is the single laziest person on Earth. She is lazy with humor and has been since a young toddler. The worst thing she does is try to get out of her chore. No fits, stealing, excessive lying, sabotaging, or triangulating. I receive love from her. This makes her easier to be around, not love more. She gets her share of consequences but her infractions are minor. They could never compete with the crap the others pull. Never. So that means I treat her better and love her more? On Christmas Eve as we were putting out presents, I stopped to look at everything and realized that Emma had been shorted. Not just short a present but several. I was so worried that the others would feel like someone got too much, I shorted her. That happens a lot. I know she knows deep down that she is loved and adored, they still measure my actions daily to see if I really. She can handle a tiny let down but it becomes a huge thing for the others. She lost her us when they came. They absorb most of my attention. If any child in the house deserves more, it would be her. Yet she gets less and is treated like the enemy because she has the ability to love with her whole heart.
I can only do so much for one child to prove I am committed to her. I take care of her children, took in her entire family when we can barely make it ourselves, I put up with endless scream sessions and tantrums from her children, I have taken them to appointments and found a great therapist for them, I have helped her retrain her children and deal with their issues so she will be able to survive the rest of their childhood, I look past all the stupid things she has done in her past and recently without holding it against her, and I was her personal cheerleader when she didn't think she could finish school. I am exhausted from helping. It is never enough.
The funny thing is that I would do it all over again. I wouldn't stop helping one, adding additional security measures to keep another with us, or stop trying to find help with the right meds combo to help the others adjust. I love them all. They all have so much potential and without our family the ability to reach that potential fades away. I knew it would take a long time for them to feel like a part of something bigger than themselves. I had no idea there was a real possibility that it would never happen. I didn't know they could ignore so much on focus on tiny moments.
This year is going to be for me. I'm planning a cool trip to FL with some other moms in March. I don't care if we eat PB and Js all month, I'm going. I don't care who watches them and who ends up in the hospital, I'm not going to be drug back here until it's over. The best part is that I think my sister, Kiki, will be going with me. She is calming all on her own. She is a mini vacation in a phone call. She will make the trip for me.