Thursday, January 07, 2010

The Twins Are 8!

Yesterday we celebrated their birthday. They are so good about agreeing on dinner and dessert. This time we had Pizza Lasagna and Tres Leche. It was amazingly good. There was only a small damper on the celebration that was felt by all. One child decided to teach me a lesson and not join us for dinner or cake. It's been a while since that behavior has shown it's ugly head. The only person they are hurting is themselves.

The tension in the house is heavy. Many of the children including Rosa's have mentioned it. Alyssa refused to ask me to give her more food and instead went to the basement to get her mother to come up and give it to her. I asked why and she said her mother was mad at me so she thought she should be. I explained that her mother can be mad at me and I can be mad at her but that doesn't mean I'm mad at the kids. Apparantly, they were made to feel I was ignoring them because I am not interfering with her parenting. I'm not picking up the slack, not saying she is slack but I just parent any kid in the room and I'm backing off. She said she doesn't feel like a part of our family and I can't do anything more to make her feel like she is. I already take too much away from my other children to make her feel connected. I will no`longer do that. This relationship has to be 2 sided, I refuse to give and give and give to an adult that is stuck in a take everything you can childish mode.

I have been asked numerous times to consider how this was affecting my other children by family and professionals. It has been very dificult both financially and emotionally. I have felt an obligaiton to help her and would do it again. The therapists have suggested that we need a time frame. I had one in my mind, when she could do it on her own. Now that she is looking for apartments, I guess it will be before that. I wish her well but I assume she will be stubborn and cut us out of her life again. This is a constant risk when your children are attachment disordered. They can up and leave without a second glance back while you sit there with your heart in your hands. It was worth it this time. She accomplished a certificate from the police academy. It will give her a way to support herself and her children. That is all a parent can do.


J. said...

you are the ones who can decide, it is a challenge though to when enough is enough but she was working on something importatnt and I totally understand why you made the choices you did.

FosterAbba said...

I think all you can do is to give them the opportunity to access the tools to build a successful life. If they choose not to use the tools, or use them to build things that are destructive, it's not your fault.

You don't owe your adult children a living.

Jennie said...

as I said to my therapist today, "Sissy is a vast void that is unfillable and I no longer wish to try"

Abby said...

*hugs* I'm sorry.

Kate said...

Happy Birthday to Ava and Ella!