Friday, December 12, 2008

The First Outburst

After much anticipation, we or should I say the rest of my family put up the tree. We, like most families, have a few holiday traditions. We drink hot chocolate (thank you, Kerry) and sing Christmas songs while decorating the tree. Patches had other plans. She decided to flip the hell out and threaten to kill herself. She knows we have 2 phrases that trigger a call for police back up, threats to kill themselves or someone else. This child has the hardest time during the holiday. I think Thanksgiving gets her thinking about being thankful for her "family" and it just keeps getting worse as the season goes on.

We had the pleasure of a firetruck, ambulance, and 2 police cars in front of our house. We had over 10 men in uniforms in her room and around the house. Patches isn't known for false allegations but it is still a fear for us. When the officers tried to calm her down she only gave partial statements that were misleading regarding my DH. Eventually she finished her sentences and explained she was mad b/c she had to clean up her own pee from the carpet.

She enjoyed the attention and even smiled an evil grin at me as she passed to enter the police car. One of the fireman told me she stopped hyperventilating on command to let me know she was OK. She is a piece of work. She loved the police car ride. She continued her attitude at the hospital and I was the bad guy when I requested they keep the door open to watch us. I was afraid she would assault me and they would think I provoked her in some way. She was so calm when she announced that she would not be going home with me. She held that same attitude for several hours. I have never seen her calm and angry like that before. It was weird and scary. Normally she is terrified of shots or getting blood drawn. This time I asked if she wanted me to hold her hand and she spoke through her gritted teeth that she didn't want me to touch her. She proudly held out her arm for the nurse and stared me down the entire time, never flinching.

Once the assessment guy got there she realized this was for real and she may lose us. All I asked was for her to promise to be safe and she could come home with me regardless of her attitude. I was able to bring her home late Thursday night.

I, on the other hand, was a basket case for the AT on Friday. He has never seen me lose it much less bawl my eyes out for 45 minutes.

Today is Sunday and she has slept all day so no attitude or outbursts. I know I should wake her up but I need a day to get my strength back so I can handle her violence. Right now my arms are still shaking from yesterdays hold. Something is changing in her and not for the better.


Lisa said...

Hoping you got some rest today and a little peace.

Yondalla said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry it has got this bad. You can only do as much as you can.

You know that saying about the horse and water? I think that it should be something like, "Once you take a horse to water, he will always know where the water is."

That is itself a gift. And sometimes it is all we can do. Whether you keep doing that with her in your home or outside your home, I know you are doing all you can.

Please be as kind and loving to yourself as you would be to any of your kids. You deserve it.