I am officially in a funk. I am stressed to the max and there seems no end in sight. I have found myself yelling and I actually slammed a door today. My DH is driving me up a wall and the kids are here constantly until school starts in 2 weeks. I need to figure out a way to keep control of my emotions. It doesn't help that it has rained for a better part of a week so we can't go outside or swim.

P, D, and A were told not to play with the lotion this AM several times and DH caught them rubbing each others legs up by their privates and they jumped and hid when he just walked by. Gee, you think they were doing something wrong? The three were told to go to the fireplace and sit. They put their heads down and refused to look up so I told them to go up to their rooms to get a better attitude and clean them while they were there. P sat in her room and let D do the work, this is typical. I hollared up for them to come down and help take a few light things to the new baby's room and P acted like she was in slow motion. It is so annoying when she does it so I tried to motivate her into moving faster but instead she repeatedly threw herself on the steps pretending I pushed her. She does this every time she is upset, anyone near her has shoved her or hurt her in some way. She got out of helping but what she did not expect was losing her swimming privileges for the rest of the week for acting like that. She is currently in her room kicking the floor and screaming she hates me. She has put stickers all over the back of her door and thrown all her clothes around the room. I expect this to last the rest of the day, I hope she chooses to eat but she usually will not just to "get" me.

Sometimes It Sucks Having SO Many Kids

We have had alot going on with Emma's birth siblings this week. Basically we got a call in the middle of the night that her youngest sister was in the hospital and DFCS was taking both the girls into care. Em's Mother called screaming and begging for me to come deal with the CW and get the girls. I went. Everything was set for me to take the girls home with me and they realized I already had 7 kids (I did not mention Mia) and were concerned it would hurt our current adoption. After much discussion I began to search for Emma's birth Great Aunt that adopted her other sister to see if she could come get the girls. SHe did and now I am concerned it was a mistake for several reasons. The Aunt has always tried to "get" the girls and she has tried to close an open adoption. SHe has already had her daughter (my childhood friend) to get the scoop to figure out how to manipulate this situation and keep the girls.

On top of this, Em's Mother has gone back to the boyfriend that is the very reason the kids were removed from her care. I am very disappointed and frustrated with this choice. It is not the first time she has made the choice to go back to him regardless of the consequences. She had spent a night here with Em and had to leave to speak to the police about the case but promised Em she would be back the same day. She has not returned and called only once late at night to let me know her plan of returning the next day. Emma is hurt and there is not much I can do. I have tried to be as honest as I can about the possibility she will not see her for a long while. On a better note, her uncle is trying to reconnect with us b/c for the first time he sees how much I am willing to help his sister and how much he has missed out on with Em.

At this point, there is an investigation going on with the Gma, Mother, and Boyfriend. It looks like the girls will be in care for quite a long time. They could possibly file charges not only against the boyfriend but both the women for child endangerment. The Mother and the Boyfriend were not allowed to be alone with the girls and she had actually allowed them to move in and babysit while she worked. This does not sit well with DFCS.

I feel guilty for not being able to take my daughter's sisters. If the Aunt keeps them, my daughter will not have any kind of a relationship with them. All I can do is hope she can maintain until we finalize and then she gives up so we can get the girls here with us. She is not a stable person and the girls will feel like a burden to her. She is very dramatic and needs constant attention even going so far as to threaten to kill herself so her daughter will come babysit. I was originally told this would be a few days and now that is not true.

We are Going to Disney World

The kids' CW came today. She is a nice lady but way overworked. She forgot the forms we need to fill out to have our Adoption Assistance start. We have gone a couple of months now waiting for it to start since we signed the Adoptive Placement papers. She assured us that it would be retroactive and should begin the first week of August! I am thrilled, if she is correct. Unfortunately, being correct is not her strong suit. We decided tonight that since we have made it w/o the AA, by the skin of our teeth, we would use the extra money to visit Disney World again this Thanksgiving. Talk about fun! Anyone else want to meet up there? Come on, we get passes to go up the exits so there are no lines.

BB, we would love to pick you up at the airport and the villa has a private pool and jacuzzi.

The P Doctor and a Couple of CWs

We went to the pshychiatrist this AM for P, D, and A. She decided to take A off the Prozac b/c all her irritating little habits have been amplified. We are not sure if it is the drug or the stress they are all under with the move, new school, and adoption but better to take her off the medicine than beat her. (I wouldn't beat her but I sure understand the want to.) She is getting about 25 time outs a day for various things like stealing and breaking things that belong to her siblings, refusing to stop jacking around, flushing things down the toilet, hitting, etc. All are minor infractions but there are so many. The minute she s out of sight you can guarantee she is up to something. SHe has also complained it is hard to think. I am not sure if she will start another drug next month or not. I hope the daily crying doesn't come back but I am pretty sure it will. Oh goody!

My agency CW came out today. The CW we have had all along has left and will begin a teaching job soon. Our new one is Katie and she is the same worker we trained with so it is nice not to have a stranger. The kids are out of control when she is here. Most have overcome theri need to hump a stranger's leg but 2 were inappropriately behaved today. They treied to tickle the intern with our CW within a minute of my departure from the room. The rest were wrestling on the floor and one ogt hurt. I teased Katie that it happened under her supervision. I must admit it is disapointing to know they still need me to be right there in order to be safe with strangers. They are getting better, no humping.

The kids' CW will be coming tomorrow. Now that is gonna be fun. She makes me nervous. She upsets the kids b/c she is a reminder they are still in fostercare. I fully anticipate several meltdowns the rest of the afternoon. If these kids are good at one thing it would be tantrums. They last for hours and hours. They will wear themselves out before coming out of their rooms for air. It is very impressive and sad at the same time.

They are Eating Me Outta House and Home!

I am not sure where they put all the food! We ate a late breakfast and they are already complaining about lunch. This morning I served 2 loaves of toast with fruit spread, 15 bananas, and 2 very large jars of applesauce. They claim to be starving just a few hours later. LOL

Just to give you an idea of our meals, last night we had Taco Salad. We used 3 large bags of spinach, 2 cans of each black beans and corn, 4 cukes, 4 large tomatoes, lots of shredded carrots, 2 containers of mushrooms, large jar of salsa, large container of sour cream, and 2 bags of tortilla chips. They were hungry an hour later and begged for fruit before bed. You would swear I do not feed them but they eat until they are full at a meal and need more later. Go figure.

I just saw a post on another blog about Virtual Public School. Our state just joined and I wonder how this would work for us. Maybe not this year but next for a few of my kids might be nice.

Where is a camera when you need one. I went upstairs to wake up my DH for breakfast and noticed when he got up to go find shorts to put on that he had his cell phone already clipped to his underwear. I swear that man is so dedicated to his job that he actually slept with the cell phone. I did tell him that most folks put it by the bed.

The other day my son had to be taken to his room b/c he had gotten so out of control. While on the steps he decided to try to kick me down them. I barely caught myself and ended up landing on my right foot and right hand wrong and I think I may have fractured them both. I will be going for X-rays today after putting it off thinking it would get better. He apologized but it did not feel genuine. I think it made him feel powerful and I am going to beg not to wear a cast so it doesn't add to that power.

My medication situation is getting better. Well, I think it is, I really don't remember. LOL I have been waiting to be in bed to take it and my DH says I am staying there.

Kids are playing school today. All day. Well, in between fighting that is.

The doctor increases my son's Risperdal and we go back on Monday to discuss the girls. He has gained 2 lbs in a month, WOW. He was only 40 lbs to begin with so we will be watching that. I am concerned about A's reaction to Prozac. She has become very difficult to deal with in terms of her not following directions, paying attention, and doing some pretty unsafe things. I did mention it to the doctor the other day and she was concerned.


My kitchen counters are coming along. They are gorgeous and when I can I am so gonna post a picture so everyone can be jealous! My DH has so much talent in building things and fixing things. I am so lucky I decided to keep him. LOL

I sent a letter today to a dear childhood friend of ours. We recently found out he plead guilty to pending charges and received 2 life sentences plus 20 years. He has spent the last year and a half or so in jail waiting on this to go to court. We have been friends since I was 10 years old and worked for my DH for years as an adult. We all could have ended up where he is had my DH and I chose to continue the path we were on in our teens. It is so upsetting to realize he did not chose to better himself and watch him struggle with a Meth addiction in his 30s. His girlfriend has ended up in jail now, too. They are losing their kids to fostercare b/c their family refused to continue caring for the kids long term. I know he deserves to be where he is but every time I think about the cycle of his life I wonder what could have been done to save him from the same destiny as his Father.

We have finally bought a new bed for our little Mia. She is here so much more than she is at her Mom's house so she needed one. She had been sleeping in a sleeping bag and she loved it. When she saw the princess bed she screamed and asked to go to bed at 6PM. Really cute kid!

Before 4PM

This summer I made sure to leave Mondays open for errands and non-regular appointments. I had scheduled us to enroll D in her new school, go to C's new school and fill out another transportation form, get the tags for our cars, and come home to a lazy afternoon. The kids had another plan.

Went to get tags, kids were fussy but good so we went to McDonalds for a late breakfast and to play. It was down hill from there. On the way to the first elementary school (so far I have kids attending 3 different elementary schools which I will complain about later) P, A, and D thought it would be funny to pour some nasty drink left over from yesterday on my son. He hates to be dirty or wet and began freaking out. He jumped over the seat, while we were going down the road, and punched P and D. I can't blame him but we do not allow ANY violence to go unpunished. He cried for at least 20 minutes until he could change his clothes and wash himself off. We had to wait then for the kids in trouble to get a grip and off we went to the school. They pouted but I can appreciate a good pout vs. a rage any day. They managed to hold it together long enough and we headed home.

Once here they really let it all hang out. D, P, and A had to clean out the van. This took an hour for no apparent reason. My son cried on an off during this time and threw several toys. I have no idea why and he pulled it together when Emma asked him to play. B refused to get off her lazy rump to use the restroom and peed herself. My MIL called and asked if anyone could spend the night so C went outside and bragged to the girls cleaning the van that they could not go. This caused all work to stop and rages to begin. First was P. The usual I hate yous were thrown at me and she broke a few toys. Next was A. She is sneaky and decided to wipe boogers on some toys and dump the trash in the kitchen on the floor. C and D took markers upstairs and broke them then colored all over themselves. C told on D thinking I wouldn't notice her. D went down in a rage that lasted over an hour and included me being hit, kicked, scratched, and pinched. She always threatens me with telling the "cops", hating me forever, and I'll never be her real mom. This time she knocked over an antique school desk I got from Santa when I was 8 yrs old, threw a plastic box at C and busted her lip, smashed in Emma's doll's face, ripped her shirt, hit and scratched herself so the "cops" could see how I abuse her, and threw herself at the wall. The only thing that calmed her was my MIL showed up. My kids are so good when others are around. I have no idea how they go from 60 to 0 in seconds at the thought of being caught. If only I could carry around someone in my pocket for the tough times.

My DH called in the middle of D screaming and having to be held to the floor to protect her siblings from her. It still shocks and surprises him to hear them like that. I know he understands what they are capable of but I think he still wonders if I am doing something to provoke it. He asked if she was ok, not me. That hurts a little today. The kids are doing so much better but I am still assaulted by someone physically on a daily basis. When is someone going worry about how they treat me instead of how I treat them. They are not abused, I am. They are not screamed at or told they will never be enough, I am. They are held and kissed and comforted when they calm down, forgiven for every sin no matter what. I am the one taking all this crap from them, when will it be enough? Probably never. I am not giving up no matter how hard they try to get me to. This day was nothing unusual, a typical day. They are gonna have to try harder to get me to hate them tomorrow, I am sure they will give it their all. I wish they could see how much more fum life would be if they just let me in a little.

Drugged Dialing

I have struggled with undx insomnia since I was in my early teens. It comes in waves that usually last a few months but in the last 10 years it was more on than off. It is not unusual for me to have less than 4 hours of sleep a night and the worst thing is I am so tired while I am waiting to fall asleep I do not get anything done. If I was productive I would probably not have sought medical attention.

Fast forward to this past May, after getting really sick a few times since the kids got here I felt I needed to do something about my immune system. The doctor felt it had a great deal to do with lack of sleep. I began taking Lunesta. It was fantastic. No drugged feeling and a horrible taste in my mouth so I didn't eat much. After a month, I had a few nights in a row that I did not sleep well and panicked. The doctor switched me to Ambien. I am concerned it is addictive and wonder if I jumped the gun on the Lunesta. Now I am having some issues with Ambien but not the same ones. Are you ready? It does not make me tired in the traditional sense and so I continue to walk around my house and tend to my chores and such. I make phone calls and post things online. I eat snacks and have conversations. I have no recollection of any of it.
I am not kidding. It is like I have a faint memory of a dream but no details. Things when brought to my attention may sound familiar but not really. I can not tell if it really happened or I dreamt it. This is not good!

I may or may not have spoken to Emma's Nana last night . Apparently, I am making alot of calls b/c I can see on my phone I also called my friend Debra. Now I have to call these 2 back and see what was said. How embarrassing is that? I really needed to talk to Em's Nana b/c no one called Em on her birthday Friday and they have never missed it before. Supposedly they are clean right now and I am concerned this has been jeopardized. Em's Mother, Grandmother, and Great Grandmother all struggle with Meth addictions and they are trying to raise 2 of her sisters. The Meth issue is pretty bad but they also have chronic Depression that is the real issue they can't work through. They all spend weeks or months in bed unable to function or deal with life. It is so sad and I have known for a bit they were on a downward cycle but there is nothing I can do. I see how hard it is on Em, I can't even begin to imagine what her sisters are going through.

My Brother In Law

I have had 2 of my nieces all week, they are 3 and 8. Their parents divorced last year b/c their Father had developed an addiction to Meth and their Mom found it when unpacking his suitcase from a business trip. Of course, there is more to it but that was the begining of the end. He has not paid child support or had any regular contact with his 3 girls over the last 2 years. With that said, he claims he has been clean for a couple of months (still no calls to his kids until this week) and is on antidepressants. He called my sister and requested an overnight visit. She wants the kids to see their Dad but doesn't trust him. I volunteered to supervise the visits at my house while they were here this week. He has excuses for Sunday and Monday. Tuesday he showed up a hour before they had to go to bed and wanted to take them to ice cream and then claimed his Mother was locked out of her house (he had her car and she was at home when he left) so the kids needed to leave with him to let her in. I refused b/c they were already up past bedtime and would just sleep the entire ride. Then he PROMISED to return the next morning to stay all day. Never came. Thursday he kept calling with excuses and promises but didn't show. Friday he calls at 11AM, 4 hours into our day and said he didn't have a ride. It was my dd's Bday and I had things to do so I couldn't. He showed up last night after 9PM and ended up sleeping on our couch disappearing without a goodbye to the kids. I am so disappointed in the man that was my brother for 12 years. Drugs or not he has let his kids down over and over, the girls are more than willing to love him no matter how bad he disappoints them.

My kids see how horrible this has been on their cousins and some of them are comparing their parents to him. All the promises and let downs are familiar. I think it will help launch a few discussions and maybe a break through for some.

AT and the Devil Foster Mom

My computer died for a few days so I was unable to get online and itching to do so. I have 10 kids this week and am needing a break from kids for sure. Two of my nieces are here and we have Mia (half sister to the baby we may be adopting) living her 5 days a week.

It has taken 14 months but we have begun. I really like the therapist and hope she is able to help us. She is pretty concerned about B, she has refused to speak or look up for 2 sessions. I am impressed with her staying power. B cried herself to sleep after the session yesterday even though nothing was even said. I guess it is exhausting staring at your fingers for 30 minutes. She was able to tell me she was mad at me for making her have therapy. That is pretty big for her, she never lets out any emotions good or bad. I think she will try next week b/c it is important to her to be the "good girl" and by not participating she feels like a "bad girl". Of course, all of this is in her head.

My son and D have done really well with the new therapist. They like the attention and since we have not gotten into the hard stuff they are happy to do what she says. I think the recent addition of Risperdal and Prozac are helping more than anything. If I would have known the difference in them, they would have started them a year ago. I tried so hard to avoid meds but in the end they really needed them. They are both struggling to control their emotions but rages are few and far between.

P is out of control lately. Her new favorite name for me is "Devil Foster Mom". Both devil and foster are supposed to be the getcha words. She is becoming so angry that I have had concerns for the other children and myself. She has tried to push me down the stairs along with hitting and kicking me. She spews her immature yet creative names at me with little or no response from me until two days ago. I am tired of taking the crap she really feels for her Mother. Anger and sadness are expected but I an tired of being abused by my children. When she screamed that I wasn't her real mother I responded she wasn't my real daughter but I loved her as much as if she were. I was not hateful, I know it sounds mean but it really wasn't. She screamed her real mother would never make her do chores or send her to her room for a time out. I responded, my real daughter probably wouldn't have so much anger that I had to protect her from herself.

Once she calmed, 2 hours later, we talked about the things she has been saying and how they make me feel. I hope I am not giving her more power to spew her venom but I think she needed to hear it. We talked about how I can tell she struggles to love me and her Mother and that she can love us both. I can love more than one child and she can love more than one parent. We are not in competition, we have different roles just the same name. She feels she is betraying her Mother and she is very angry at her parents. I made it clear she does not have to choose between us. She can not go home to her for her safety. She has asked me several times over the last couple of days if it is ok to be mad at her Mother and still love her. Progress? I hope. I am tired of looking over my shoulder before heading down the stairs.

Another Ultrasound

My husband and I went to a second ultrasound today of the baby boy that is due on October 5th. He is 26 weeks along and is 2.1 pounds. Everything is going along beautifully and both Mother and baby seem healthy. We are concerned about her smoking and previous drinking issue but I do not feel it is my place to state the obvious. I believe she has quit drinking but I know she is still smoking. She is gaining a ton of weight and does the glucose test in 2 weeks.

She is using my favorite OB/GYN at my suggestion and I was so proud today when they asked her about her intention to place her child for adoption. The doctor was very nice but asked some important questions about why and reminded her that her emotions were running high. She was supportive of whatever her choice is but offered to help her find services if she chose to keep the baby if it was a financial issue. She told her not to worry about backing out and she needs to really make the decision after the baby is born. My friend got a little angry and told her she sounded like me and she wasn't going to just string us along that this was a very hard decision she has been thinking about all along. She shared that she feels numb about the baby and he doesn't feel like her child. I spoke up and assured the doctor that this is a sticky topic for her and I b/c she feels the decision is made and I think she makes it after the baby is home for a bit. We completely support her in parenting or adoption. The doctor was a bit surprised we weren't just out for her baby and completely agreed with her. My friend thinks everyone is undermining her and they think she unable to make decisions of her own. She was able to think a bit more clearly after we left and realized she was just looking after her patient's best interest.

I have been keeping her daughter 5 days and nights a week for a month so she can work. Her job decided to close it's doors for the week with no warning and she is forced to keep her this week. It is an obvious stresser for her and she constantly is frustrated with the 3 yr old. I will pick her daughter up on Friday and return her on Monday whether she works or not. She needs a break. It is hard for me to relate to but I am trying.

Stupid People

On Father's Day my husband's paternal Grandfather died. We had already planned a trip to Arkansas to introduce the kids to both sides of his family the last weekend in June and due to the move we could not just up and go out there at the time. We went ahead with the scheduled trip this weekend and drove out with his Mom, Aunt, Cousin, and the kids.

Our kids, as anyone who has ever peeked here would know, have some issues. I am VERY rigid with doing all the care giving myself, bedtimes, appropriate behavior, and expectations. I asked my MIL to explain to her youngest sister these rules and how to react. This sister refused to go along with these and was EXTREMELY rude to me on several occasions. She took my son and Emma and insisted they ride with her. I can not legally let her b/c we have not finalized and she huffed and puffed about how stupid I was being. When I tried to respond, she walked off. Over dinner she snatched P to sit with her at that end of the table. I know she wanted her b/c P has really opened up with meds and is really personable, not to mention gorgeous. This woman managed to convince my MIL to take Emma, B, and P to Walmart and bought them all a bunch of candy and crap before dropping them off at the hotel.

We did not see her again until Sunday when I was determined to make nice and explain things myself. WOW, I was wrong! We were attending a family reunion and in front of 50+ people she repeatedly disrespected me and even began gossiping about me. My husband and MIL are very hard of hearing and missed everything. I was shunned from the group, I sat at the end of a table where everyone around me refused to talk to me. At first, I thought I was overreacting. I tried to talk to a few folks and they actually turned around and ate their food in their lap instead of sitting at the table correctly. She went around and told everyone I was mean to her and would not let her get to know my kids. If I hadn't had 3 kids with tummy aches and crying I would have dealt with the situation better, instead I just asked my husband to leave. This woman actually said, "Glad you got to see me !" to my husband as we were leaving and meant it.
Good things happened, I was promised we would never have to go back and my kids were great.
Our SW has decided to leave and her last day was Friday. We will miss her terribly.