Friday, August 21, 2009

Ruthie Held On as Long as She Could

She finally lost it today. She is still losing it actually and has been since she walked in the door at 3:30. Wondering why? I asked for her agenda. Not just her, all of the kids had to give them to me since it is Friday. Monday through Thursday I get them after dinner. She has avoided it all week by insisting she never got one from the school. One of the kids got it out of her book bag and that's all she wrote. I am "never going to be her real mother", "I only want to live with them", and "I'm going to kill myself". Over an agenda, people. I looked through it and it seems she got it on Monday b/c it is filled out every day by the teacher. There were 2 notes to me to return items that have long been returned. I was irritated. I moved on to other kids. SO many sweet notes to read, why waste the energy.

It didn't stop there. Ruthie took her fit to her room. One of the kids found a pocketbook full of silver coins. Full! Probably $30 worth of change. I was told she found it. I laughed, "Found it in my drawer". She admitted that was right after she managed to verbally assault every child she shares a room with and of course the meanie in the situation, me. It was all my fault. She just found it. Then I realized, she has gone to school AGAIN without a bra. AGAIN! Probably not the best time to mention it but figured we should go ahead and get it all out. I saw her with a bra this AM, she took it off before leaving. Why? TO PISS ME OFF! It did. I am not proud but it did. I couldn't give a rat's butt if they go without one at home but they need to wear one in public. I wasn't hateful or make a big deal out of it, I just stated that she didn't have one on.

I quietly folded clothes and talked to the kids having their snack about the plans for the weekend while she kicked and screamed in the living room. Some time later, probably b/c I wasn't paying any attention to her, she attacked me from behind. She began screaming she wanted to live with T and N. I had to restrain her and I told her that was fine. I asked Cyr to pack her things b/c we wanted her to be happy and that means we have to take her to the prison her parents are in. I love her but there is nothing I can do. She has made it clear that I will never be her parent. That set her off as I suspected. I called her bluff. Mama don't play fair but Mama plays. She screamed for 20 or so minutes about how she didn't want to live in prison. I explained how stealing and lying leads there anyway. She loves them, I know that. I will never be therm, I know that. I have many children, I love them all. I can love them with me or far away. She has 2 mothers but only one that can care for her needs and provide for her, me. She has some serious decisions to make before I take her up on her threats. I want her to talk to me about her feelings for them. It is OK to love them. It is not OK to scream terrible things at me when she is frustrated or mad. I am not a punching bag.

Since I began typing, she has calmed and admitted she only does it to hurt my feelings. Really? It wasn't obvious. She loves me and wants to live with me. I told her she is not required to love me. Be respectful but not love me. She is in the fetal position rocking. The worst is over. She blames me for changing her meds (we actually slightly increased them but we cut them up and spread them out). She blames me for leaving the money out (in the back of a drawer in my room). I won't argue with her b/c it's not worth it. I will give her her consequences when she is done. I am sure she will do them without a single issue. At least it's over. It always builds over time, she explodes, and then she has control again and does well. We should have a great weekend. Wanna place any bets?


Marthavmuffin said...

Wow tudu how can you keep your calm with this sort of thing being thrown at you constantly!??! I cant keep my cool with one 3.5 yr old. I am currently reading Taming the Spirited child. Your kids sure are spirited...I worry about you.

Tudu said...

It isn't as often as it was. I am so much better at anticipating how far they are going to blow. I do lose it with them. I can only take so much.

Michelle said...

Tudu, I'm worried about you girl. Your last few posts have been pretty ominious. Please let us know that you are okay soon.