One More Thing

I may have one more big surprise coming. I bet you are all on the edge of your seats now, huh? I need to wait until we confirm it. I have a few people to discuss it with and get their support before we go spreading the news. Any guesses? If you know me in real life, you can't guess b/c this would be way too easy. I'll give a hint. We had to take a family vote.

Lots of Junk Going On

I've been gone but now I'm back. All 4 computers caught the flu and died. Literally. We thought they all had their shots but turned out a kid here managed to find a new strand that we didn't have a vaccine for.

Cyr is great. Patches is doing better this week. Ruthie really made me mad yesterday when she told all the customers at Wally World that I was abusing her brother and they should call 911 on me. Michael had an incident at Wally World causing the customers to all surround me and call 911. Emma is working on her need to be in EVERYONE"S business and getting quite a bit of exercise. Ava felt sorry for something or at least made me think she did. Either way, way to go, Girl. Ella is just Ella. Kiera is a ball of fury. Rosa is doing great at the Academy. She has other issues that I hope we will someday be able to to look back at laugh at. Alyssa is working on keeping her anger under control. Eddie is still my little Pee Machine. Gia is trying to come to grips with her Mother being gone so much.

Of course, there are so many details in between that I am not sharing. Juicy tidbits that would make you call your best girlfriend to gossip about. I just can't tell you here. This person would die. Let me say, I am always surprised at how creative my children are. They never stop finding new and interesting ways to make me prove I love them and will accept them for who they are. They also find new lows in self esteem and self hatred.

On a very sad note, Emma's birth sister was raped and sodomized last week by her uncle. He has been arrested and she has been released from the hospital. I feel so awful for her. She doesn't have the support she is going to need. I wish I save her. I can't. This isn't her Mother's daughter, it is her Father's. Emma spent all day Sunday on the phone with her. She has no idea this happened.

Ruthie Held On as Long as She Could

She finally lost it today. She is still losing it actually and has been since she walked in the door at 3:30. Wondering why? I asked for her agenda. Not just her, all of the kids had to give them to me since it is Friday. Monday through Thursday I get them after dinner. She has avoided it all week by insisting she never got one from the school. One of the kids got it out of her book bag and that's all she wrote. I am "never going to be her real mother", "I only want to live with them", and "I'm going to kill myself". Over an agenda, people. I looked through it and it seems she got it on Monday b/c it is filled out every day by the teacher. There were 2 notes to me to return items that have long been returned. I was irritated. I moved on to other kids. SO many sweet notes to read, why waste the energy.

It didn't stop there. Ruthie took her fit to her room. One of the kids found a pocketbook full of silver coins. Full! Probably $30 worth of change. I was told she found it. I laughed, "Found it in my drawer". She admitted that was right after she managed to verbally assault every child she shares a room with and of course the meanie in the situation, me. It was all my fault. She just found it. Then I realized, she has gone to school AGAIN without a bra. AGAIN! Probably not the best time to mention it but figured we should go ahead and get it all out. I saw her with a bra this AM, she took it off before leaving. Why? TO PISS ME OFF! It did. I am not proud but it did. I couldn't give a rat's butt if they go without one at home but they need to wear one in public. I wasn't hateful or make a big deal out of it, I just stated that she didn't have one on.

I quietly folded clothes and talked to the kids having their snack about the plans for the weekend while she kicked and screamed in the living room. Some time later, probably b/c I wasn't paying any attention to her, she attacked me from behind. She began screaming she wanted to live with T and N. I had to restrain her and I told her that was fine. I asked Cyr to pack her things b/c we wanted her to be happy and that means we have to take her to the prison her parents are in. I love her but there is nothing I can do. She has made it clear that I will never be her parent. That set her off as I suspected. I called her bluff. Mama don't play fair but Mama plays. She screamed for 20 or so minutes about how she didn't want to live in prison. I explained how stealing and lying leads there anyway. She loves them, I know that. I will never be therm, I know that. I have many children, I love them all. I can love them with me or far away. She has 2 mothers but only one that can care for her needs and provide for her, me. She has some serious decisions to make before I take her up on her threats. I want her to talk to me about her feelings for them. It is OK to love them. It is not OK to scream terrible things at me when she is frustrated or mad. I am not a punching bag.

Since I began typing, she has calmed and admitted she only does it to hurt my feelings. Really? It wasn't obvious. She loves me and wants to live with me. I told her she is not required to love me. Be respectful but not love me. She is in the fetal position rocking. The worst is over. She blames me for changing her meds (we actually slightly increased them but we cut them up and spread them out). She blames me for leaving the money out (in the back of a drawer in my room). I won't argue with her b/c it's not worth it. I will give her her consequences when she is done. I am sure she will do them without a single issue. At least it's over. It always builds over time, she explodes, and then she has control again and does well. We should have a great weekend. Wanna place any bets?

Sorry It's Been So Long

We have rearranged some of the meds and have seen no change. It has become very clear that both Michael and Patches will spend time in a locked facility in their future. Both are becoming even more dangerous here. ANgels at school, though. Really it's the same crap day after day. I feel like I type the same thing over and over.

Patches growled at me last night. Yes, I have a child that actually growls. I am not ashamed to admit it. I love her even when she snaps at me and growls. Homework has continued to be a struggle this year. It is being done some nights but it is nothing short of a miracle. Patches has to throw a fit and threaten me before she will let me read it to her or talk about it at all. She screamed at herself for about 15 minutes at bed time. Something about me being a mean fat lady. Honestly, I find it funny at this point. I mean come on, be creative. Anyone can see I am a mean fat lady.

My son is working on his name calling. He is also running away now fairly consistently. He is braver than the girls and crosses the main road. He gets out of sight of our home, too. I do not chase b/c it makes him run farther. I give him a few minutes and then if he doesn't come back I go look for him and then call the police. I have tried to scare the beejesus out of him when he is not angry by talking about weirdos that might grab him and how small he is so cars might not see him. Mean? True. I'm not sure what else to do at this point. He gets mad and runs off. He is violent and I can't leave the other kids alone. He has increased his nastiness this week but also kept his cool on 2 separate occasions. He is doing a great job at finding interesting names to call me. This week he used the term, "f**king stupid meanie head". It almost makes me want to give him a prize. LOL He has a girl at school that likes him. I told him his responsibility as a nice young man would be to open the door for her and carry her book bag. He looked at me puzzled and asked, "How do I get it away from her?" He thought I meant to steal it. Oh well. I tried.

Yesterday I had a lovely afternoon with my 7 yr old grand daughter, Alyssa. I took her to the psychiatrist b/c her Mother is at the police academy. She mentioned some boy is asking her why she has so much hair on her arms. It seemed to bother her. I informed her it was b/c she was part Werewolf. Her Mother is full blooded but her Father is just human. I told her she wouldn't really notice until she began to change on the full moon when she turned 13. She would then become very hairy for the night, wear a princess dress and high heels, speak Dog, and fight crime. Sound crazy? She thought so, too. Until I mentioned it in front of the psychiatrist and her therapist. They barely looked up. She was hooked. If it had been a lie, surely they would have laughed or denied it. That's all it took. I informed her Mother of my terrible deed privately so when she walked in the door I was able to mention I had told Alyssa "her secret identity". She continued to back up my crazy story. The girl is thrilled. Poor thing. LOL

As of this week, I am alone with the 2 tiniest of my boogers. Gia and Kiera. They are a hoot. Kiera could live in the shower or bath and has been known to take them 3 or 4 times a day. She is talking up a storm and announces that any one that irritates her must go to "TIME OUT!". I am no help, I can't stop myself from laughing out loud at her antics. She is currently suffering from a nasty cold that immediately moved to her chest. Not good and I realized this reminds me of last Spring. They are currently "playing" the XBOX. They have no idea it isn't actually playing a game. LOL

Cyr has a new boyfriend. He is a football player and "really cute". He asked her to the school dance next week and it's all she can talk about.

My van is out of commission all week. The front wheel bent in. It was weird looking. My DH has been trying to fix it all week. I think it will be finished by this weekend. Thank goodness.

Back in the Saddle

Just got the computer back from the AT. I will be back to update you on some really fun times.

So the Psychiatrist Says....

she believes Ruthie is being truthful. She asked her many questions and I explained what I had told Ruthie. She is not going to diagnose her with anything but will be seeing her every month until we figure it out. She sees Patches and Michael every month already so she will just join them. I am still not sure how I feel about it.

Patches still just sits there and stares the doctor down. She doesn't speak or blink. It is weird. We adjusted the meds for Ruthie, Patches, and Michael. We are going to try to split the antipsychotic up a bit more to help them cope with the afternoon hallucinations. I pray this works, I can only dance so fast to keep them from completely flipping out every afternoon.

I am concerned about Michael. He is really struggling to remain in control. He is slipping away and there is nothing I can do. I feel like we are watching his life blow up in slow motion. I keep reminding myself that just last Fall Patches was extremely out of control and now she has a light on. She was so flat for so long and now we see laughter and smiles. I will admit they are not always normal sounds that come from her. She is beginning to have a weird screech to it and it happens when nothing is funny at all. She is laughing at her hallucinations. I am glad they are entertaining but I wish they wouldn't happen in public places. LOL

I will admit I had a hard time holding back tears on the way home from the doctor today. We had to stop by the store for groceries and unfortunately I had to tote 5 kids with me. Patches, Ruthie, Michael, Ava, and Emma. They barely held it together. I had to focus so hard on keeping my cool and keeping their attention that I almost just left it all in the aisle. It's not that they were terrible, it's that they were stressed from the doctor. We had to stop to find the restroom 3 times. I mean really, come on. I won't make that mistake again.

A Third?

I think we have crossed a bridge with my son. I fear he may burn it. He has become dangerous. Predatory. The other kids are all OK but b/c they told on him. We are on high alert and will have to remain there. I can't trust him. I can't trust his judgement. He has not been able to be honest for some time. He used to deny things and then fess up. He has learned to hold it in and hold out.

Ruthie gets every cold and symptom that she hears. Literally. Because of this I can't make myself believe her now that she is complaining someone is scaring the crap out of her and whispering that they are going to kill her and Alyssa. She says she is hearing voices. On one hand, the other two are going crazy with hallucinations b/c of the stress from starting school so if she was going to hear them, this would be the time. On the other hand, she "catches" everything. She hasn't heard Patches and Michael talking to me about it so I'm not sure if she would think it was more attention. I don't give them a lot of attention for it. I do believe something is wrong with her that is beyond her current dx and have a terrible feeling she has the same issue Patches and Michael have. The 3 of them stand out from the other children. Their issues have always been deeper and more obvious, different. I feel bad for not believing her but what are the chances that 50% of the sibling group have this illness? Then I feel bad for basing my feelings on that. She is adamant that she is being honest about it. I calmly sat her down and explained how serious this was, that she may need to go to the hospital and stay, she may require shots, and that there was a test that hurts really bad that we would have to do to be sure she really hears things since she has had a problem in the past with exaggerating her symptoms. She agreed to all of this. She promises she is telling the truth. She looks scared. I am so confused. I guess only time will tell.

Crazy Meets Crazy, It's a Standoff

We are beginning to see some patterns develop for Patches and Michael. I have questioned whether they were there before and we just noticed or if they are getting worse. I realized this morning that it is getting worse, much worse.

They both seem to get stuck in a cycle when certain things happen. For Patches, it when someone comes in the room when she is doing her chore, accidentally or intentionally touches her, breaks any rule she feels is important and often it is her own rule she has made up, and she is extremely focused on others to be sure they do their chore exactly right. There are more that are starting to pop up but these are the consistent ones. It is exhausting for her to do all these things. Here's what happens. Someone brushes against her as they pass. She begins to focus all her attention of them. Her voice gets louder and louder until she is screaming at them. She is berating them for touching her and demanding they apologize. Since the person usually has no idea they did it, they refuse to apologize for it. She becomes so enraged that she begins threatening bodily harm or starts to hurt herself. The second they half heartily apologize, she smiles and it's over. Literally, like a switch has been flipped, done. Now if I could get everyone to apologize right away our life would be so simple. This is how she reacts to all the things above and it happens between 10-30 times a day. We have to intervene to keep her calm. Most times we are able to keep it under control and it only explodes 4-7 times a day. It gets really bad when she does this to Michael b/c he can't apologize, for anything. It sends him into an episode. He instantly digs his heels in the ground and that's it, he won't speak.

Michael is still seeing things. Yesterday a lady was frantically knocking on his second story window. This morning he freaked out and told me I was naked in my bed. Let me tell you 2 things about that. First, I would be freaked out if I saw Me naked and the secondly, I never sleep naked in case they need me.

Patches is seeing weird things again but they all seem to be just weird, not scary. She saw a cherry jump out of a cabbage at the store. She burst out laughing and couldn't speak for a moment until she caught her breath. That is weird on another level b/c the child doesn't laugh heartily, ever. Later she saw a cat on our property and it was looking at her weird. If you hear her explain it, you know it wasn't real. She was even scared and ran back in. I think on some level she knew something was off. She has also seen a "fox" walking down the middle of the road. Of course, there could be a fox like dog but again, they way she describes it you know it's not real. Later she informed me the reason she is seeing things is b/c she is so stressed out about school. I told her it made sense and to hang in there.

Kiera is beating the crap out of the kids. She now screams, "TIME OUT!" when they bug her and right before she hits them. She is such an angry little girl.

I went to the school today to sign the amended IEP only to find out that they hadn't finished it yet. I made sure to talk to everyone that would listen about what the boys said to Patches. It was bullying without a doubt. I insisted they receive a consequence. The Lead teacher agreed. She was very kind and promised to get the right person involved.

On a completely unrelated topic. I want to talk about Facebook. I am not one that maintained my childhood friendships for several reasons. I partied way too hard and was not very nice to most people. I didn't respect their feelings and even made fun of some. I am always afraid they will only have hateful memories of me. I had a big mouth (still do but I use my powers for good instead of evil). I am having a ball reading about all the people I cared about as adults now. You can still see the child they once were but in an old person's face. It is so strange. Seeing them reminds me of the connections I once had with them. I realize they were so important to me once, I can't for the life of me remember how the friendships ended.

Two Boyfriends?

I just over heard Ruthie and Alyssa talking.

Ruthie "I made friends today. I have 2 boyfriends."

Alyssa "Two boyfriends? Wow! I only have 1 boyfriend. Maybe I will get 2 tomorrow."

It left me thinking they really don't know what makes a boyfriend. They think if the boy is polite or looks in their general direction, they must be friends. This would make them boyfriends.

A Really Bad Day

***Really bad language. I am that mad.***

The teachers still never called. I went to the damn school to tell them other children were at risk. They acted as if they felt it was important. Still no call from the teachers. Ava's teacher did call and I began to speak about her sticky fingers and was interrupted. She didn't want to hear it. She was only calling all the parents to be sure the kids came home. That's it. I was already pissed off about another situation and basically said, "Great! You enjoy her.". I will not help her find her missing items, as they are sure to disappear. I will not explain 200 times that I never received that note or that item. She blew it. I had the same issue last year with Ava's teacher. I hope she just gets the good stuff but I know Ava.

The other incident I was talking about is actually the reason I am having a glass of wine. As many of you do, I go through great lengths to give the school and all their employees directly dealing my children a heads up. We always have issues on the bus. The driver is vulnerable b/c she is alone with so many children and usually many of mine. Knowing the stress Patches is under to fit in and the fact I feared the school hadn't explained the situation to her, I wrote a letter explaining that she has to sit directly behind the driver with her sister. I was polite and clear. I kept it as short as possible without leaving any doubt as to the seriousness of my concern. She completely disregarded it and handed it back to Cyr when she got off at school. At the end of the day, she allowed Patches to go to the back and sit down. Two 8th grade boys began harassing her about sitting in the back with the older kids. They called her a few names and she went off. She started screaming and kicking the seat. She tried to destroy her book bag. She was crying her eyes out when Cyr told the driver to pull over. She had called me on a friend's phone and I got right on the road. The driver told her to have me meet them at the school b/c she was bringing her back.

I arrived at the school before the bus. I went in the front door and loudly begged for assistance. They kept chatting up. I was livid. I interrupted and insisted they tell me where the bus would let her off. I knew she was in a bad situation and everyone was in danger. They pointed to the back of the building. I had no idea where to go. I headed over to the special school she is in and found the Asst Director. She told me to go to through the cafe and out the back. She was calling for back up. The driver never even called the school to let them know there was a problem. I saw the bus approach and the driver smiled and waved at me. I took a second look b/c surely she wouldn't be happy. The damn woman had no clue what I was talking about when I stepped up on the bus and went off myself. I asked her if she read the letter. She claimed she wasn't given a letter. I asked Cyr and she told her very respectfully that she handed her the letter and told her to read it and call me if she had any questions. The driver then said, "Well, they walked right to the back so I couldn't tell them to sit by me." SO she read it and just didn't listen. Big mistake! She will surely get written up for it. All she had to do was keep her close. She would have felt safe. This redneck woman thought she knew better than me and could handle a bunch teens. Now my child had a humiliating day and can't handle getting back on the bus. She will focus on it and will never live down the episode she had. The county will now be sending a little bus to get her. That will cost them a pretty penny. Stupid people piss me off. This happened b/c she was being stupid. Now people will know Patches is crazy. She has been doing so well and hoped to continue that this year. She has a grip on her behavior and outbursts. I want to throw a hissy fit myself.

New Rule

Kids started school. I never heard form Ella, Michael, or Ava's teachers after they all promised to call me BEFORE school started. I wasn't worried about one of them b/c they will never see the stupid crap anyway. They other 2 have sexual issues that they have to be aware of, one is for the protection of others. I stopped by the office to drop off meds for Michael and mentioned I was concerned about 2 of my kids b/c they have bathroom issues. This particular person knows a good bit of our issues and laughed. She told me that they have a rule at this new school that they use the bathroom as a class or a staff member from the office escorts them to the restroom. I have a very good idea why she has this rule in place. LOL I can't believe she did it to the entire school. At least, my kids won't feel weird about it.

Our Little Devil Girl

Kiera has found a new and exciting way to torture me all night long. She begins the night in her bed and sleeps well for the first couple of hours, most nights. She begins waking over and over after midnight. I usually put her in my bed after a few times b/c I'm lazy like that. Now she has decided she has to up the anty, she kicks me in the back or the stomach like she is running a marathon. Actually, she is mostly awake and frustrated she can't get back to sleep so she wants me to suffer, too. Think a 20 month old couldn't possibly think like that? Wrong. She is such an angry little girl that she enjoys it when others hurt. I swear. Not every time, just when she inflicts the pain.

She is very smart. She has discovered how to get off the hook when she has done something wrong. She immediately goes to her time out spot, sit down and lowers her head to fake cry, gets up in less than a minute, walks over to the nearest person and says, "Sorry" in her most pathetic voice, and runs away giggling. Talk about manipulation master.

She is talking up a storm and becoming more aggressive every day. Don't get me wrong, she is the cutest thing I have ever seen. I no longer worry the older kids will hurt her, we have to protect them from her. Think I'm kidding? Not a chance. She has hit Michael so hard with my cell phone that it knocked him to the ground. She randomly punches (not slaps) the kids in the face. If you let her know it hurt you, she WILL do it again. I know that some hitting is normal for this age, this is not normal. The AT shook her head and asked if I saw what was really going on. It's definitely an attachment issue. I had hoped we were moving past it but it looks like we are still heading into it.