Thursday, April 12, 2007

Just another Wednesday

We have had an eventful day.

In the middle of our very busy regular Wednesday schedule, my youngest decided to put a recently discovered trick to use. She has become quite creative when caught doing something she isn't supposed to so. First example, she and her brother were running and jacking around in the kitchen during snack time and she fell. I could hear her giggling until she got hurt and he apologised, he is used to being blamed for things by his sisters and this is automatic when tears appear. They were both asked what happened, he said they were jacking around and he was pulling her around the spilled water on the floor and she was holding his shirt to be drug through it and fell. She claimed he was running and she did not want him to get in trouble and grabbed his shirt and he ran so she fell. He did this on purpose. See what I am saying, she comes up with some convenient truths about people so she comes up shining. This is happening more and more recently.

She was asked to sit in time out for a few minutes and then pay restitution to her brother for lying about him. He chose to have her clean up his room. Off they went after a tearful apology from her and within minutes I hear screaming from D that my youngest was showing her privates. I came running, I mean damn it I can't even have a private moment to use the restroom. D and E had been sitting outside the bedroom with A and A and D saw her pull down her pants. D was the most sexualized child we had in the beginning, she rubbed herself on me, the couch, the children, anyone really that would hold still. That has come to a complete stop and now this child is the hero in our home against others being inappropriate the last few episodes. My son immediately said his version and my youngest agreed she had done it, turns out 3 times in the few minutes asking him to touch her. He is very cooperative with my questions but did not know why he didn't tell us but he did not touch her. When asked privately what her participation was she told the truth, what he said. I stood and told her I was very upset by her actions. She quickly told me he made her. He told her to do it. I knew immediately she was lying. She agreed and cried very hard.

This is a subject that runs deep in this family, generations of incest and molestations. They have all come a very long way. I did not expect to add all 6 children to the list of disturbing sexual acting out or behaviors. I now have. We sat down as a family and discussed this briefly, this time focusing on the lying. What she says has power that she had no idea and the damage she could do to us as a family if this behavior continues or escalates. They were simply lies among siblings until she accused her severely emotional and sexually abused brother of acting out with her as a victim. This was criminal. I do not think any of my children are malicious enough to make up stories about us but now there is a fear.

P had a hard time sleeping again tonight. This has become more of an issue over the last few weeks. She can't sleep and comes to find me seeking support. I take her back to bed and assure her everything is fine, she turns on cartoons and falls asleep quickly. Tonight she made the comment in the family discussion that her father had promised not to hurt kids anymore and I was the only one that caught it. I knew she was saying it w/o realizing it. It was huge and I waited up for her to come down when the girls were asleep. She was scared. She talked about DH being sick and how her father had taken her and her siblings to DFCS when he got sick the last time they came into care. Her mother had run away from them and they were with him alone. He gave up maybe Dad is going to give up. We talked about how a healthy family works, one parent gets sick the other one gets stronger. I am much stronger than Dad and could whoop his butt if ever need be and anyone else if they messed with my kids. She enjoyed that vision and reminded me Dad is 6'5" 300 #. Maybe not on a good day but with this fluish thing he has, no problem. She is feeling safe here and I feel her connecting with us, may be the first real connection she has ever had. I asked her about the comment earlier and she freely told me how her father had touched her brother many times and all the girls tried to beg him to stop. He promised over and over he would, their mother left when she was forced to molest her son with all her girls watching. P feels bad for not stopping him. When asked directly if he touched the girls she danced, but admitted A had been made to touch his sisters. She knows of 4 times, she was not specific and I did not ask.

This is not all new information, she is coming to terms more with her emotions this time. How she felt, that she felt fear. She understands and agreed we have to protect them from their father. I think we may have another child not wanting to open the adoption. That makes 3. I will respect their wishes happily and hope the rest just need closure with them. I would love to continue a relationship with some of the extended family but the parents are out of the question if the child does not beg on their own for a VERY closely supervised brief visit. I want to punch him. Our discoveries and feelings will be discussed at length with them privately long before the kids see them, if they see them. We promised open adoption, they promised to stop sexually abusing their children, I know I shouldn't feel bad. I want to respect my promise to the children that they could see their parents after we finalize, if the children wished. I never said how often and in fact I have been very clear it would be rare but would happen.

My son is up for the third time tonight. I guess he is needing to be reassured I am still here protecting them. This had become regular for him. He speaks now when he comes to my room and always has a physical complaint. I take him back to bed and tuck him in. He is the cutest kid sometimes. His is very small and looks so innocent with puffy eyes and tiny fists rubbing them. Almost toddler like in his behavior. Hard to believe he is so destructive during the day.

I truly love my children. I see a change in every one of them since last June. Some have made steps forward all around, surprising us, others are even more unattached than we ever thought yet progress has been made. Tiny steps for each of them. I see bigger ones coming. They needed to be shown what to do in the simplest of situations and they have stepped up now on their own to do it. They have so many more things to learn, they are eager to be taught. If only they would stop destroying things. Guess I'll have to ask Santa for that next year.


Mongoose said...

I feel like throwing up. You must be one tough person for having taken this on. Wow.

Anonymous said...

Lessons learned from a friend's experience ... be sure to document all of your children's false allegations about anyone with your worker ... in the event that they ever make false allegations against you, this will show a history and hopefully protect you.

False allegations are common with children who suffer with RAD ... an official diagnosis of RAD will also protect you in the event of a false allegation.

Tudu said...

I report everything! I email it usually so I have a copy in writing and we chat several times a week to go over the emails. If I haven't said it lately, I LOVE MY WORKER! She is really on top of things and just all around a great lady to work with.