Monday, November 24, 2008

The Worst Day Ever

I have had the worst day I have ever had parenting. I feel like the worst mom ever. Ruthie hit, kicked, pinched, and scratched me more than 100 times before I lost it. She did manage to make those last all day and weren't in the first, second or even the third fit she had. At one point she came at me looking like a crazed maniac with her hands out to assault me again, I smacked her in the chaos. It wasn't hard, no mark was seen then or now but I immediately felt terrible. I have never hit any of my children. I knew I was too mad to help her anymore and I screamed at her and ran in the house. She knew I was over the edge and waited for me to come back to get her instead of slamming herself into the glass door like she had been. I am so ashamed. I should have been in more control. She goes to this place that is so hard to describe, she becomes murderous. She has no memory of the event. She knows that something happened b/c she is in trouble but the exact things are unclear to her.

17 comments:

Innocent Observer said...

I'm so sorry that you had such a horrible day. I think every mother has at some point past the line of what they consider helpful and appropriate.

You deal with things on a daily basis that would have me running for the hills after 15 minutes. How can you get a break?

Lisa said...

Give yourself a big hug. You are not perfect. Imperfect parents make mistakes. All you can do is model remorse, empathy and an apology. I'm sorry you had a bad day but I know these kids can push you to the brink of insanity.

amyAnne said...

Oh honey... we ALL have that moment. Don't feel like the world's worst Mom. You have patience like I cannot believe... but you are HUMAN.

Mongoose said...

Don't worry about it. Most of us got worse than that growing up and we're none the worse for it. Violence begets violence; sooner or later your kids are going to mess with someone who's not gonna put up with it and then they'll be sorry. It might as well be you as the police or a boyfriend.

((HUGS))

Yondalla said...

I'm sorry you had such a difficult day.

I hope you are as understanding and forgiving of yourself as you are of your kids. You deserve it.

Paula Perry said...

i am so sorry, what a horrible day. Don't be too hard on yourself as a mother you have put up with WAY more than most and you handled yourself well. We all have moments then our kids make us loss it but they are normally no were near as difficult as you have endured so please give yourself a break. All mothers feel for you and anyone that's read your blog will know that you are a wonderful mother.
by the way you should really make your blog into a book. I printed out all the old posts to read as i wanted to know how you got to the place you are in now, and its very compelling reading..you write very well and from the heart. Ps i haven't finished it yet but so far its pretty amazing.

Lindsay said...

I'm sorry you had such a bad day and that you are feeling so awful about it. Guilts a killer, but honestly, you're human and that does mean sometimes we snap. Hope you can forgive yourself and that you have a better day tomorrow.

My name is Andy. said...

{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ashley said...

Tudu- You forgive your children again and again. Turn those great forgiveness skills on yourself

skirbo said...

Cut yourself some slack. No one is perfect and from what you said, it did make an impact on her. I ditto what pretty much everybody else said.

Sarah

Alyssa's Mom said...

You are human and dealing with an enormous amount of pressure.

Forgive yourself and move on.

I think every one of us has lost it at one time or another - I know I have!

You really are an awesome Mom!

Nichole said...

We are all pushed to our limits sometimes. I've had children at the nursery where I volunteer try to kick me, bite me, headbutt me, spit at me, slap me, and scratch me and sometimes they try it all in one fit. I've endured those episodes with patience, but I've never had to experience an entire day full of it. That's an entirely different challenge. Don't be hard on yourself. Ruthie is lucky that she is with you. Others would not have been able to handle her as well as you did.

Torina said...

You are a good mom. Just pushed to the brink. But still a good mom. Crazy is contagious. Hope things get better soon!

Debbie said...

I'm so sorry you're having a particularly rotten spell, but try to treat yourself with the same kindness you'd feel if someone else were telling you the story. You do amazing things for and with these kids. You do your best, and your best is pretty darn awesome. Here's hoping things ease up a bit (or more than a bit!) for you.

Terri said...

I have three adopted children and they each have a laundry list of labels. The behaviors of your children all sound so similar I thought my kids had left home to live with you.

We also had three children of our own and one had severe multiple medical conditions that prevented him from doing even the most basic things. He never walked or talked and was tube fed for 19 years before going to heaven in 2001.

We cared for him at home and continue to care for three adult disabled children. We still struggle with their problems but do have many good days now.

Please let yourself off the hook.
Your children are blessed to have you and your husband. We have been caring for special needs children for 26 years and have made many mistakes that we had to learn from and let go or else we would have been destroyed by the guilt.`

People always say take life one day at at time but with children like ours we sometimes had to learn to take it one moment at a time. Trying to look ahead was too overwhelming.

I love this scripture: For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18 KJV

Donna said...

What Ruthie has learned is that Mama is human, and Mama knows when her behavior was unacceptable and takes the appropriate steps. Give yourself a pat on the back, lady. You done good.

Donna

Donna said...

Let all who read this blog and who have *never* done something like this raise their hand!

Okay! Those with their hands up -- LIARS! LIARS! PANTIES ON FIRE!

Donna