Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Taking Deep Breaths

Thanks so much for all your support. I know everything you say is true but I still feel like I should have known better. I don't have the luxury of acting with emotion or slipping, they need me to be strong and always do the right thing. I am just so darn tired and out of ideas. I am sick of being assaulted and having my other kids watch as their mother is attacked. Emma has been really freaking out lately when it happens and that does make me more anxious. I know I will be a better parent for having lost it. I know my limit now and will be extra careful to let things roll off me again.

We are going to my MIL for Linner on Thursday. That is the meal between Lunch and Dinner according to her. She makes the best dressing ever. I grew up on stuffing and was so impressed by her dressing that first Christmas that I believe it was the final straw and I married him for that wonderful dressing he promised twice a year for the rest of our lives. I didn't taste her white gravy and fried chicken until after the vows but it is was keeps me around when he really makes me mad.

Anyone ever postpone Christmas? Rosa and I were thinking if we postponed it for 2 days we could do all our shopping the day after the real holiday and not tell the kids so we could save a ton of money. We haven't figured out how to do that but it sure would be fun tricking them.

Cyr is helping my DH at work and and is earning money or a cell phone. She is exhausted and ready for bed every night.

Patches couldn't take her medicine for a few days while she had a virus. The voices returned.

You know Ruthie is a basket case right now. She did manage to do some of the chores I gave her but at a snail pace. Rosa is catching on, she told her not to clean the bathroom and to sit in the fetal position all day. You guessed it, it was clean in minutes.

Michael's frustration is building with Eddie. Eddie has an abrasive personality plus his own issues. Michael enjoyed being the only boy way more than he thought. We are having to separate their activities so Michael doesn't kill the kid.

Emma is whiny and obsessed about everything. The meds are helping but now that it was pointed out, I see it all the time. Her mother will be joining us for the holiday and I am so excited for her. She will be bringing Kiera's mother and I am nervous about that.

Ella is still pitiful. She is taking my comments better and making a tiny bit of effort.

Ava has not been caught stealing. I ended her consequences for my sake. I couldn't keep up and they were draining me way more than they were her. I told her it wasn't over but we were going to have to rethink it after the holiday. I am thinking she will have to give her cousins one of her gifts for stealing their things.

Kiera had her 12 month check up today at 13.5 months. She got 4 shots and screamed the entire time we were in the office. The nurse looked at me with a straight face ans asked if she knew what was going to happen. I swear it was almost if she did. The minute we stepped outside, she stopped. She is small for her age and they suggested she wean from the bottle. I assured them I wasn't going to do that b/c it was so important for her bonding, she just shrugged. She did tell me the screaming at night could be nightmares but took away any hope of helping me cope with them. Her lungs sounded great and she is down to 1 breathing treatment a day.


Abby & her happy things said...

I'm sure the screaming helps clear out her lungs just fine. ;-)

And it might also benefit your kids a little to see that even SuperMom makes mistakes and loses control sometimes. You're doing better than anybody could ever expect from ANYONE. I'm fairly certain Mother Theresa and Ghandi would have gone mad aaaaaaages ago. Ease up on yourself, it'll be okay....

Just think about 20 years from now, will you both survive?

Mongoose said...

Obviously I don't have your training but personally I don't think they need you to always be strong and do the right thing. Not that losing it and laying a beating on one of them would be the right thing either, but seriously, as long as you don't fight back they're just getting away with it. It doesn't matter if you give them a consequence later, they still got away with assaulting you.

When I was a teenager I used to punch the guy I was with. Often. I thought it was cute. He didn't. He started counting the times I hit him, and then when it got to about thirteen, he started giving it back. From time to time, completely out of the blue, he'd punch me, and take one off his count. I think I stopped punching him when he got to nine, and I haven't done it again. Give them back as good as they give you. I don't think they're learning a thing from your current method other than that they're always gonna get away with it.

Lorie said...


You ara and amazing mom. I think I would die doing one day of your job :-)

I have lost it before with Aria...during the time I had my mean little daycare kids and I think it did strengthen the bond between us cause she saw that she could push me to my limit, that I did in fact have one.

I am sending you good thoughtss and love :-)

quilted family said...

About the delayed Christmas idea, my brother and SIL used to celebrate Christmas according to the Orthodox Calendar which places the gift giving on 12th Night (which we have traditionally called Little Christmas). So they didn't decorate or get gifts or a tree until after Christmas. At first I was a little wierded out by my bro's description of getting a perfectly good tree from someone else's curb, but then I got over it. He says they usually already have tinsel on them :-) Anyway given the budget this year that is sounding really good at our house too, but I don't think I would get away with it.

Becky said...

We celebrate Christmas with family and dinner then exchange gifts for New Years. It works well, but took the kids a couple years to accept it because their friends would call on the 26th to find out what they got. The second year they decided it was cool to be different and were bragging about it. It resolved several issues for us and gave me time to do a better job of making it special because I typically have only an afternoon off before Christmas most years. An extra week makes a HUGE difference.

We also made up a family holiday that is unique to us and it is the only holiday that lacks the crazy emotions brought up by all the others.