I have a friend that I met when I was working to help the survivors from Katrina. She and I talk about weekly and she has continued to have struggle after struggle and they are mostly from self inflicted situations. I give her a little pep talk and help her see the positive in the situation or her options.
Well, she has a doozy of a decision now. She had a brief affair with her married neighbor. She is pregnant with a biracial child. She refuses to see any positive and after many conversation of encouragement she got a little angry at me. She refuses to consider parenting, she is too far along for an abortion, and she has stated many times before this pregnancy she will not have another child. She thinks I was not listening to her and she wants me to adopt the baby. She said, "I know you are trying to find a way to help me parent but I do NOT want to. Please quit trying to help and just tell me you will love my child and allow my children to know each other." The father is not "on board" but he does not want his wife to know and said he is willing to talk to us.
I have huge feelings of guilt for wanting to parent this child. I want to help her. I wanted to help Emma's Mom, too. Both seem confident in wanting to place no matter how much I offer to support them. I am worried she will change her mind after the fact and regret this the rest of her life. I have tied to discuss this with her and she claims to know and still wants this. I have told her things may change along the way and she is supposed to worry about herself and her children over my feelings or anyone elses. I have lined up counseling for her and she promised to go.
On the flip side, I am thrilled to have the possibility of a baby in the house! The new house has a nursery in the master bedroom that is way out of the way of the rest of the house and the baby could sleep w/o knowing we have a hundred kids running around. I did not think I wanted babies but after talking with the OT, she assured me all of Emma's issues were Sensory Issues and since this baby is drug/alcohol free it should not be an issue. Even my DH is a little excited but he claims if it is another girl he will not tell anyone and just dress her as a boy to even things out a bit here. 7 females to 2 males really just isn't fair.
All my kids will be in school by the time the baby is born and we could be alone all day to bond. The greatest thing about my kids are that they adore small children and babies. They are kind and gentle with my niece and try to mother her. I think it could be a real help in attachment for them with us as a family. They can help be a part of building this family and "taking care" of the baby and the family. The good part about this woman is she knows my kids and loves them, she feels she wants her child raised in a large family that loves all the kids with their faults.
Back to the kids, my son is learning to control his anger before he has a full blown meltdown. He had several starts yesterday and between he and I we have worked out a plan to get him to think first. The trick is, I have to catch him before he gets there and show him. Not always easy but big time success in a short period. He has not hit anyone this week and only threw his shoe once and then he cried and apologized.
P, asked what her evaluation said and I told her on her level that her heart and emotions were starting to heal and this doctor saw it like I do. I gave her multiple examples of how her behavior and emotions have changed since her last home and now. I swear it is getting harder to get that head in the door since has grown so big over the months. She has now decided she is going to help her siblings get better and show them how. Too cute.
B and I are playing a game we made up about when she is trying to maintain control over me. She gets points for giving up control (not having the last word, not checking up on me, anytime she lets me be the parent, etc). I get points for her trying to have control. I give her a point if she backs off when I get a point and I have had us come out equal a couple of times and plan on making her win a little more each week until she doesn't need the reminder. So far she likes to play and is pretty competitive so it seems to be working. She will get to choose something special to do every week when she wins. The special thing will increase as the difference between her score and mine do.
D is hanging in there. We have started to have her be more active and that seems to help with the crying. I have been telling her how smart she is and that has encouraged her to try harder when it gets hard with school work.